mp123

I am just coming to terms with the fact that I am abusing the prescription medication I take for chronic pain and for anxiety. I have always liked opiates a little too much, and at this time the drug I have started abusing is Tramadol. I am planning to taper off of it. I have a therapist I see twice a week, and another nurse practitioner that prescribes my anxiety medication, but they don't see that I have a problem or understand why I want to stop my medications.

I started having medical problems last year, and have not been able to figure out what is wrong with me. When the problems started, I started to think that I was going to die and leave my children. I am still thinking that way most of the time. I believe I have cancer, or some other medical issue that just hasn't been diagnosed yet. My symptoms were abdominal pain, inflammation in my colon (which has subsided), but the worst problme is pain in my mid-back that will not go away. I was taking the Tramadol as prescribed for a long time, but just recently started adding an extra pill here or there, and I can feel it slipping out of control. It also impacts my appetite, and I have not been eating. I have been taking my anxiety medication as prescribed, but I still aspire to stop taking all medications. I know that I am taking my medications for the wrong reasons most of the time, and I know that I am an addict. I used a lot of recreational drugs when I was younger, and I feel that over time, I have just replaced them with prescription drugs. I became pregnant in December and stopped everything then, but had a miscarriage. We are trying to conceive again, and I would love to be off the meds before the pregnancy occurs. I feel extremely weak and unhealthy. I am finding it hard to become committed to stopping the medications or to engage in other healthy behaviors when I have the belief that I am terminally ill, or have a serious medical problem, and that I will end up back on medications for that eventually. I recognize that it seems irrational to everyone except me.

I have ordered several books to read, in an effort to do this without going to face to face meetings. I also hope to get some support here. I would love to hear from other moms who are struggling with similar issues, especially prescription medications. I am going to work on a plan today to taper off of my Tramadol, over the next month or so. My husband knows what is going on, and is supportive (and also very much wanting me to stop this med so my appetite returns and I gain some weight). So that is me!

Impurrfect

((mp123)) - Welcome to SR! Though I'm not a mom and my DOC (drug of choice) was different, I am a recovering addict and a huge part of my recovery has been from the support I got here.

I read around here, quite a while, when I was new and discovered that I could get something from a lot of people's posts, no matter what their DOC is.

Addiction is a club no one wants to belong to, but we can reclaim our lives. Glad you're here!

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

thisisforellie

I have dealt with these types of future anxieties all my life. I started mindfulness meditation, and through this practice, have started to realize that the only thing that is REAL is the present. When I start having panicky thoughts about the future, I try to say to myself "Wait. What is happening right now?" If I can focus on right now, right this moment, then I can calm down a bit. I can see that right now is real -- all the other thoughts are just thoughts. It takes practice, doing this over and over, but it has really helped me. Another way to do it is: when you start to have panicky thoughts about the future, try to bring your attention to your body. Say "What am I feeling in my body right now?" Bring the attention back to you physical body. This way you bring your attention back to now. And you will notice that it passes. The panic passes. I hope this helps.

thisisforellie

There is also a forum specifically for drug abuse here:
Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

And one specifically for women, here:
Women In Recovery - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Also, one for anxiety disorders:
Anxiety Disorders - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

All of these would also be caring places to find support.

mp123

Thank you so much for the welcome and other ideas. I am trying to use some mindfulness type skills to work through some of this. I will check out the other forums mentioned. It is very hard when you have actual anxiety to begin with, and actual pain/medical issues, but lost control of the medications that you should be using to treat those things. Because my mom has been on tons of psych meds all of her life, and is not a very functional person at all, I have never wanted to take medication regularly. Getting to the point where I now realize I am an addict is a new thing for me though- while it has crossed my mind a few times, now I am sure that until I solve my addiction issues for good I will just keep substituting one thing for another. Looking forward to posting and getting to know some people.

Dee74

welcome to SR mp123

D

Oz11

We are not alone. I have also had prescription drugs for real medical pain. Never took more than I should have, tramadol 50mg max dose 6-8 day, Vicodin when the other did not work. But for me the drugs were causing me withdraws for at leases the past 1-1 1/2, years , crazy restless legs, not sleeping well at night. Started meds for restless legs just went and got it increased not long ago. Did not ever connect the dots, I thought my back was getting worse. And it may have been, but the drugs were screaming take more this it is not working anymore. My kidneys were acting up. I was a sit around depressed lady. Having heart Palpitation, racing heart. When I realized that these drugs were going to kill me if I continued. Not that people shouldn't take drugs, but I was sick and tried of being sick and tried. So I quit, my advise to you is go to your Dr. Tell them you want help to go off them and let them sit you up a program. I didn't do mine that right way today is day 8 and it has been hell, I went cold turkey. I am still sick I know the drugs are gone but my body still is calling my name for some more. Good luck, if I can do this after 15 plus years use you an too.keep posting it helps.Please go to your Dr. For help.

mp123

I have a pain management doctor who knows I am trying to conceive, most recently she prescribed me a TENS machine. The machine has taken care of 90% of my pain. So there is no reason to keep taking the tramadol, really, except I admit I enjoy the opiate effect (very mild, but it is there) since it isn't even addressing my pain. The biggest problem with the tramadol otherwise, and what has my husband and my therapist most worried (I see a psychologist twice a week that specializes in chronic pain and is addressing my belief that I have a terminal illness) is that it completely takes away my appetite. I have lost a lot of weight, and find it difficult to eat anything at all when I am taking it. I have an appointment with my pain management doctor on March 18th, but I feel like I don't want to wait that long to try to start tapering.

As I mentioned in another thread, I have tapered off this drug once before, due to pregnancy. And I ended up not having any withdrawals, because at the time of the taper I got a horrible virus and took 20 Tylenol #3's that were prescribed. I think that must have masked the Tramadol withdrawal? I am not sure. I had no problem at all with any withdrawal once I finsihed the Tylenol #3. I wonder if I should talk to my pain management doctor about doing that again, or if she would think I was just med seeking. I lost that pregnancy at 11 weeks. I stopped the tramadol a week after I found out I was pregnant, but still blame myself for being so unhealthy I can't even seem to have a healthy pregnancy again. I feel so unhealthy, weak, and just totally yuck. I want to be med free, but I am afraid I don't have the conviction I need to get there- being pregnant, at least for me, made it simple. Had to just stop it all, period.

Oz11

I am so sorry about you losing the baby, I am sure it had nothing to do with the tramadol. Just when you go in tell your Dr about wanting to quiet and let them work out the plan. If you find there plan is not working call them for a new plan. Good luck.

Anna

I'm sorry about the loss of your baby and I applaud you wanting to work on getting stronger and healthier.

I have had to deal with irrational thoughts too. In my case, not necessarily about physical illness, but very negative thoughts. I have found that "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle is an amazing book about how to live in the moment and to let go of irrational thoughts.

mp123

Thank you Anna, and thanks for the book recommendation. I just ordered EIGHT books from Amazon to try to start reading my way out of this, in addition to ordering the Living Clean book from NA, and the SMART Recovery Handbook. Some of the Amazon books are Help, Thanks, Wow (Anne Lamott), The Road Less Traveled, Living Beautifully With Uncertainty and Change (Pema Chodron), Full Catastrophe Living (Jon Kabat-Zinn), Hope and Help For Your Nerves (Claire Weeks), and a few other health anxiety and general anxiety books. I am a Christian, and go to a weekly bible study in addition to weekly services, so I am also trying to use some of those resources. The funny thing is, I have never felt so disconnected and far away from God as I have in the past few months.

I have already read a thread on books here, but I would love to hear any book recommendations anyone has. Another thing I would love to find that I can't find are personal blogs of people who have issues with addiction. I can't find anything very personal, just sort of corporate, treatment center generated, etc. I would really love any thing specific to moms and pills. Not that I only want to hear those stories, at all, but it is just what I can relate to most right now, and I am feeling sort of alone. Maybe I should start a new thread to see if anyone knows about personal recovery blogs?

I have taken all of my pills as usual today, and haven't really settled on a time to start the taper. I think that time is supposed to be now. I am irritable with my family, and tired, and I know there is no time like the present.

Oz11

Mp123, well, I can tell you my story, but I have only been clean for 8 days. I am a mom of 3 boys. I have a form of arthritis my back is fussing, I also have fibromyalgia. So my Dr gave me medications to assist with the problem. I took tramadol and later added Vicodin. Over 15 yrs Have had many muscle relaxers. Was taking arthritis IV injections. The list of stuff I took over the years has been crazy. But the medication for real pain or not will caught up with you sooner or later. It maybe when the drugs don't work anymore. It maybe when your spouse is sick of you being sick. My boys hated me taking all the medications, they did not want me to die from complications from all the drugs. I did not think they understood how much I hurt. Over the years I went from a "a" personality, house spotless,yard looking perfect. Active in my boys sports,school,all the things one does and more. Worked outside the home,active in my church. But for me the drugs started to drain me, I became a couch potato ,no energy. Withdraw symptoms from the drugs,did not connect the two, just felt like I had the flu all the time. Developed restless legs,side effect to the medication. Insomnia over the years,worst now that I am clean. Heat palpitations, racing heart rate, problems with my kidneys. All from the yrs. of drug use. My kids have lost out over the past few years due to my fatigue. Activity missed on outings because of the pain. I woke up and said i am sick and tried of feeling sick and tried. so i went cold turkey,i repeat this is so stupid, you need to work with your dr. The withdraws are not something you want to do without a Dr. help. trust me on that one. I have pain right now,without the pills and I am going to have to figure something else out on what to do with the pain. I do have tens unit and love it. But it has never taken it all away. I am in my mid 50's. so exercise is harder for me to do ,but this is going to be added. I can not go back any fix any loss I caused my family due to the drugs, being in bed often,did not join in the family fun. But I have a new saying Don't let yesterday use up too much of today. Today is a new day, I am clean 8 days and counting. Hope this helps u in some way. It is about connection that lifts another into action.

mp123

Thank you for sharing your story, Oz11. I love my tens machine, it honestly does take care of almost all often pain. I will be happy to get pregnant again- it doesn't fix my addict mind, but it does result in almost immediately no longer using drugs. I am not going crazy taking pills now- I am supposed to take 6 tramadol a day, I am taking 9. And I am supposed to take three Ativan a day, but I have never taken it regularly during the day- just during actual panic attacks, and one to sleep. But lately I have been taking a half pill every day, a few times a day. My therapist doesn't understand what the issue is, as I am mostly taking medications as prescribed. But it is the thought process behind taking them, the need to feel a little high, a little numb, taking them when my tens machine is already controlling my pain- all of that is a problem. And I am never eating, basically. I am just a shell of a person, and all I want is to be a great mom to my little girls and to get healthy enough to have another baby. I just feel like I am ruined, that I have a fatal disease, and that there is no point in trying to solve my health issues. That is why I am having trouble just starting to taper.

Oz11

mp123, LISTEN, I know in my heart you are a good mom , that's why you so want another baby. My boys would tell you I was a good mom. My baby is 30 . I was like u noone said you need to go off your meds. But it was right for me. And I tell you it caughts up with you sooner or later. The pills do make us numb, so work with your counsler to help you deal with your feelings. If your counsler does not hear you find another. Life is too short to be sorry for a life you did not plan because you missed the details of the moment in the journey . That's what I was trying to say, the drugs slowly became more of my life than I had planned. My husband had cancer last year and i am a nurse, I made him take the drugs for his pain. If I can't do this because of the pain I am going to try first to get in the best shape of my life. Then if I need something I will go back on something buttttt never tramodal . At the end of today it will be 10 days, I loss count, it's been more than I thought!!!! But that is because my Brain is still in a deep fog. I post two different things 20 minutes apart on Facebook they were the some subject. But so far today I have not had to take a pill for my restless legs, I may have to, but I was doing it 3 x every day. Soo I have felt a little better today. 1/2 Cleaned and rearranged my living room. Have not done something like that in 5 years. So ticked I had some energy . But now I am worn out. I have to take a nap because I work on call from 4:30pm to 8:00am and sleeping at night has been a nightmare because of those restless legs. I was also sick to my stomach yesterday too. Who knows why, spouse was too so we may have picked something up. And if I get sick with cancer I would take drugs. It is just not on my plan right now if I can help it. I want to live without them if I can, I lived with them for awhile now I want to live without them, good luck I will see your post to see how your doing.

labeledbass

I've just registered myself to this site but am no stranger to the FDA approved maddness out there. Also I fear of having un-diagnosed health problems, one of the reasons I've used/drank in the past but I can't stress this enough, the mixing of the medicines is one thing but tramadol/Ultram can been a dangerous one by its self, I'm normally not one to preach Rx lessons but I've had/currently have family bassically living on the medicine. My good friend up north and my mother-in-law both suffered grand mal seizures from just one, literally, one too many tramadols, one second your fine, next your looking up at the paramedic asking why? what? how? It is a very strange drug that's over-looked by both using/recovering communities as a weak drug but PLEASE be careful which ever route you decide to take, do not discontinue nor up the dose, I know you may want to just stop, or you may want to just take more but research into it and you will see that you can comfortably come down from where you are. There is a ceiling to that nasty substance, and its lower than the doctors are aware of - just please be careful.

Oz11

Why is that , why has it become a verrrrry popular drug Dr. Hand out.. I never knew, they told me it is non addicting. So I never worried until years and years later. Now I know....... Better.

Oz11

Why is that , why has it become a verrrrry popular drug Dr. Hand out.. I never knew, they told me it is non addicting. So I never worried until years and years later. Now I know....... Better.

labeledbass

It has both opioid and SSRI(antidepressant) properties, so when coming off, your dealing with the hell of both worlds, true, compared to opiates higher up the food chain the detox isn't as bad but I've personally seen people go from their normal 200mg/day to 600mg/at once straight into a seizer, it bassically lowers the seizer threshold. I've come across a few that can handle hand fulls but most stay away, and these are people that are truely familiar with substances like oxy, morphine, and heroin. Doctors are very quick to prescribe this "newer" medicine over safer alternatives like codeine, or better yet Ibprophen, or ever a holistic approach. Instant fix with a quickness we want.... But seriously be safe with it, and I'm not sure what other anti-anxiety medications you mention but the same goes for most of them too, I've put myself straight into a seizer quiting klonopin cold turkey - most benzos are like that.

mp123

I just left a message with the nurse at my pain management doctor's office, telling them I want to stop the tramadol and asking them how they would recommend I do it. I did mention that the last time I stopped it was by substituting Tylenol #3 for a week, which made it painless. I am hoping they will allow me to do that. SO much easier than a slow taper. I am moving towards feeling more like I want to stop. Your messages are really helping me, and thanks to everyone who has commented. Even if I am dying, I want to be the best mom and person I can be until I am incapacitated. At least in theory.

mp123

The pain management nurse called back super fast, said tramadol is not a narcotic, and there won't be any withdrawal symptoms if I just stop. I thought by calling them, rather than the GP that prescribed the pills, they would have a better understanding of the reality of tramadol and be better able to help me. I guess I just need to prepare to wean on my own with no other help. I am surprised they don't believe tramadol withdrawal exists. On the other hand, I need to make sure I am not making it out in my head to be worse than it will be. In any case, I did call my doctor to tell them what I am doing, tried to get help or advice, and will just go ahead and do it on my own. Soon. Soonish.