rcutch

While I haven't posted in a while, I read these boards almost every night. I have read every book that exists in regards to addiction and co dependency. I see a counselor. I have a strong faith and have put my life in God's hands. Why am I unable to walk away from my AH. I continually set myself up for destruction. I am good with boundaries when it comes to everyone but him. I know everything I am supposed to do - yet why do I continue failing to do it. I lay in bed while my AH walked out on us today, managed to take my MAC card, because I carelessly forgot to hide it, and has once again stolen my money. My only thought is that I hope he dies, because then I can grieve him and move on with my life. If he doesn't die - he'll walk right back into this house tomorrow and tell me that he's not going anywhere because this is his home. I know I am not stuck in this situation. I could find a way out if I really wanted it....so why don't I really want it. Who thinks this little of themselves to continue to be the doormat?

CrossFox

Hi rcutch.

Have you attended any support group such as Relationships Anonymous or Al Anon? I ask because the co dependency authors that I have read stress that gaining knowledge wisdom alone does not, itself, cause recovery, but supportive interactions with understanding people (not necessarily therapy, but support groups), does help recovery.

I too have faith in God, and my prayer for sobriety and a nice life was answered two years ago almost to the day; my desire for my drug of choice simply vanished, and I had the crazy idea to look up AA groups in my area. Instead, I went back to drinking and here I am now, ready two years after God, I believe, answered my prayer. It was still my choice to walk through that "door" though (I am learning that respect for anothers' free will choice is an act of love, and surely if there is a God, he loves us).

So, could seperating your finances and self form your husband, for the time being, be an act of love?

jzeb2008

I too have been dealing with these sorts of issues. I have wished that he would OD (and his enabling/addict/alcoholic mother).It feels like it would be easier sometimes to mourn the death of my husband than the destruction of our marriage. I FINALLY had enough 2 weeks ago of the lies, manipulation, name calling, blame, denial, lack of affection and finances and mind games.Now (2 weeks later) I am second guessing myself. I've also read every book on addiction, interventions, co-dependancy and have been involved in Al-Anon and working with a sponsor (off and on)for 4 years. I have been in counseling and am trying to get back in and do daily reading everyday.I should be stronger than this, but I'm not.

Kindeyes

The answer is simple.......just like the addict.......when we get sick and tired of being sick and tired, we are prompted into some kind of action. And it happens when it happens and not a moment sooner.

It doesn't mean that we leave them or kick them out necessarily, but we do something differently. We interact differently. We change something in the dynamic and when we do, the dynamic HAS to change in some way. It goes back to the saying "if we always do what we've always done, we'll always get what we've always got".

You have the tools. You have the knowledge. Now it's just a matter of strength, courage and faith to implement some changes in yourself and not be fearful of the outcome.

I've had two addicts in my life. My XAH whom I chose to divorce. And my son....whom I couldn't bring myself to "divorce". But I did eventually have the courage to take care of myself first. I did have the courage to let him be homeless, hungry, dirty. I had the courage to step away, let go and let God. And it was HARD.....really hard.

The dynamic changed because I changed. He began to understand that his safety net wasn't there anymore. And he and his HP are working together (without my help) to get clean and sober. I'm not claiming any responsibility for my son's decision to pursue recovery but I do believe that when we have the courage to change ourselves.....the dynamic.....the relationship.....has to change with the other person in some way.

Courage and faith......you have everything you need to take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

Yogagurl

So, all I know is that you ARE NOT ALONE regarding your lack of actions to move on and the feeling that you are being completely taken advantage of because I have been feeling that way for a very long time. I, too, am completely confused about my behavior. I have never in my life taken so much abuse - even at a collective perspective. And yet, I let my husband run over me day after day, lying, stealing, using, neglecting, and basically just co-existing in my home. He doesn't contribute financially, emotionally, physically or spiritually to my life. He is complete drain on my energy. And yet, I look for this sliver of who he used to be at the end of every day and choose NOT to leave. I choose to stay. My mother says I am sicker than he is. I believe her. I think that the people who are involved with a full fledge active addict have the potentional to become more engrossed with the disease than they do.

I hope that you continue to read and post here. I hope that you get to a point in your life when the switch goes off and you can walk away without even a second thought of turning around. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

YG

Yogagurl

And the worst part about it is that I KNOW my worth. I know how hard I have worked for what I have in life right now. I am financially independent, have put myself through school, and I have a heart of pure gold. And I KNOW that I am underselling my worth by a long shot. And there are many people like this who are in the same boat. Who choose to stay. It's a phenomenon I will never understand either.

Whatsit

The words I put in bold, Yogagurl, explain why you are so willing to stay with him. Like you, I am wired to believe what others tell me, even if they have lied to me over and over. I am wired to overlook it, give the benefit of the doubt, to hope for the best. That's my comfort zone.

However, when we do those things for addicts, we are not letting them experience the full consequences of their poor choices. We don't make it necessary for them to grow up and take responsibility for themselves. We're caving in to our own comfort zone, which is, actually, not a loving thing to do. Shielding the addict is the opposite of loving the addict.

Tough love is not my comfort zone, so I struggle with it, but I am learning to do it, one day at a time. If I can do it, I'd bet you can, too.

rcutch

I have told my counselor many times that I too suffer from addiction. I am addicted to my addict. I turn 40 in just 2 months and I have been taking a long hard look at myself. I know that God has made a lot of changes in me. Yet, I still believe that there is hope. My AH is so good that he is able to see me close to being done and has the ability to just pull me back in. He has taken every ounce of strength I have - I am so beat down, tired and exhausted I struggle to make it thru each day. I used to be a happy, care free, giving person. I don't know what happen to her or where she went, but I miss her.

Whatsit

I hope you find that person again, rcutch. It is not easy to reclaim our real selves.

shinebright7

Wow, this is so well put. My first week going to Al Anon meetings and going to open AA meetings, all I could do was think about my husband and talk about his problem.

But the thing that got me there was that I realized that I (me! me! me!) was also in serious trouble and was afraid of going down with what appeared to be his sinking ship.

HELP!

I ran to the meetings and complained about him and told my sad, scary story through tears...still with the focus on him and my fear of the unknown...

And then I finally started shifting the focus away from him and back to me.

It was like WOW...THIS is something different.

Something refreshing.

I had been thinking so much about when is he going to hit HIS bottom and get into recovery so that our marriage doesn't fall apart...

And finally I got that it was more about ME and how I had just hit MY bottom and that's what propelled me to go to 9 meetings in 7 days.

I was desperate for solutions, for understanding, for insight, for guidance, and hope.

And I started finding those things!

I am not so quick to think that everything is better just because I am in meetings now and my husband is off his bender and feeling remorse for how he behaved recently with his addiction...

But I am getting stronger in myself and my understanding of how I am powerless over alcohol/substances and that I am powerless over my dear sick husband and his using too.

Just in the same way that I am powerless over the weather...

My husband, his using, and the substances are on their own trajectory that only God knows...

So I am learning to let go and let God...and to live and let live.

Thank you for writing what you did so clearly, Kind Eyes.

My husband is sick, yes. But I am also sick, and I will continue to be until I get myself into recovery. I'm grateful to be in that recovery now. <3

blueholly

To all of you who have posted on here. I to am struggling to leave. I just posted earlier that I feel like I AM the crazy one. He gives me ONE good hour and I am back to square one. Back to thinking twice about leaving.... knowing that the situation is totally MESSED up! I to have a strong faith in GOD and know that he is working in my life. I think how could this happen. We had dreams of building a new house, own business, and retiring early. Now my world has crashed down around me and, I think like all of us here, that is very hard to accept. This is not the dreams we had for ourselves.
I read once that GOD HAS GOOD THINGS IN STORE FOR YOU! And, now my dreams have changed. I know that myself, and my kids will be safe and restored. It just may not be the way I HAD IN MIND! It will be the way GOD had in mind... HE knows best. We will get that new house.... maybe not just with my husband...
So this may not be much help for you, but KNOW you are not the only one...KNOW that you are not alone.
I just discovered this board last week. I live in a very small town. No therapy here... So I have spent many a night crying ALONE. My family is not much help. They don't know what to do to help me... And this board and ALL OF YOU, RCUTCH, have done so much for me. Just to know YOU UNDERSTAND.
Hang in there, It will come to you
HUGS

blueholly

WOW Shinebright,
Great insight...

Your right...

THANKYOU!