jzeb2008

I am SO missing my husband right now!I don't know why it's bothering me so bad the past few days, but it is.Today was the first time that I talked to him since Wednesday morning and he started off the conversation by telling me that he wanted to come by with a friend tomorrow to get a TV, stereo and a pair of speakers. (Not his clothes or smaller items) He said that he would get some furniture another time. I asked him why he felt like this had to be so final. He said that it didn't but he needed a TV at his mom's and that it was probably best if he continued to stay there for now until we were able to work on some things because he didn't wants to go back to the way things were before. Then he told me that he wanted to visit with our daughter and have a chance to talk to me privately while the older children were at school. Said that he didn't want to talk about anything in front of his mom or friend that was over because our problems and marriage was none of their business (they were sitting right there while he's saying this) I don't know if he finally figured out by her tag teaming with him when I last talked him that she is a gossip, feeds off of drama and loves playing both sides of the fence is contributions to our already broken marriage or what, but he was almost down right rude (for once) to her and not me.He said that he was starting to get upset and didn't want to talk about it any further over the phone and that he would see me tomorrow. I don't really want to see him.(I do but I don't.) I know that it's going to make things a million times worse and if I somehow don't cave, I will start bawling and make him mad.Then I'll just be a wreck when he leaves. I don't get it!There's nothing to get really. He's an addict. He's sick. So am I.

shinebright7

I can imagine myself in that situation also being nervous about seeing him and wondering how I'm going to react. Hugs. Whatever you feel is okay. He's going to do what he's going to do no matter what you say or do, so we may as well just be honest with ourselves about how we feel ya know?

Something that is really helping me the last few days is this quote from the book Paths to Recovery. It's an al anon book.

It says:

"Today I know I am powerless over all the nouns and pronouns in my life - other persons, places, and things."

I found it hilarious in the way it's worded - but wow, so profound!

It is part of the section on step 1 where we admit that we are powerless over alcohol and that our lives have become unmanageable.

Namely my life has become unmanageable because I have been trying to control my husband and his use of drugs and alcohol.

Doing this has made ME sick and caused me so much heartbreak and misery and fear. I've really let myself suffer -- all in the name of thinking I can control him or change him or make it better some way.

But I can't make it better. At all.

Being nice, being mean, being sad, being angry...it makes no difference. He uses because he sick with addiction. He can't help it any more than a diabetic can use their own will to regulate their blood sugar. His sickness is using substances and he can't will himself out of it either. This helps me stop getting mad at him and disappointed and instead see him as someone who is sick rather than someone who intentionally wants to hurt me. It's a BIG difference for me.

I don't know if any of this is helpful for you as you think about tomorrow, but I hope you can get a good nights sleep. Maybe you can wake up and repeat the serenity prayer?

I read posts here where people say they sometimes said it dozens and dozens of times in a row to keep making it from one moment to the next. Such a supportive message for us to bring into our lives.

Thinking of you...xo