UPDATE and a QUESTION
Karma Amputee
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Among The Living
Posts: 769
UPDATE and a QUESTION
Hello old friends, I have not been on the forums in some time. I was very grateful to have found this website back in October of 2008 when I quit drinking. It's been an amazing 4 years and I am fast approaching my 5 year anniversary. My sobriety has opened many doors for me, my best friend (alcoholic) followed me into sobriety, and I have seen the fruits of my sobriety bloom in many ways.
That said, I have an issue I need help with. My mother has been diagnosed (for the second time in 20 years) with breast cancer. She has been a hardcore smoker/addict her whole life and it's more than likely her smoking has put her in this situation.
She needs treatment for cancer of course and she doesn't have all the money she needs. She has asked her 4 kids to split the approximately $200 extra she needs a month. That is also about how much she spends on cigarettes a month. There is no plan or desire on her part to ever quit and she has long since convinced her kids and everyone else that she is terminally unique in her addiction. We are afraid to even tell her how we feel. Three of my siblings have agreed to give her the money while she continues to kill herself.
My feeling is that it's wrong to pay for her cigarettes.
I want my mother to get well and help herself first. I want her to divert the money she does have away from poisoning herself and into healing herself. I want my mother to find recovery from addiction and more than anything I don't want my mother to die an addict, I want her to finally RECOVER from lifelong addiction and be able to feel life and cope with life as a healthy HUMAN BEING and not an addict.
To me it would be like asking people for extra money from my family to treat my HCV while I continued to spend money on drinking. Please help, what should I do? What is the RIGHT thing to do?
That said, I have an issue I need help with. My mother has been diagnosed (for the second time in 20 years) with breast cancer. She has been a hardcore smoker/addict her whole life and it's more than likely her smoking has put her in this situation.
She needs treatment for cancer of course and she doesn't have all the money she needs. She has asked her 4 kids to split the approximately $200 extra she needs a month. That is also about how much she spends on cigarettes a month. There is no plan or desire on her part to ever quit and she has long since convinced her kids and everyone else that she is terminally unique in her addiction. We are afraid to even tell her how we feel. Three of my siblings have agreed to give her the money while she continues to kill herself.
My feeling is that it's wrong to pay for her cigarettes.
I want my mother to get well and help herself first. I want her to divert the money she does have away from poisoning herself and into healing herself. I want my mother to find recovery from addiction and more than anything I don't want my mother to die an addict, I want her to finally RECOVER from lifelong addiction and be able to feel life and cope with life as a healthy HUMAN BEING and not an addict.
To me it would be like asking people for extra money from my family to treat my HCV while I continued to spend money on drinking. Please help, what should I do? What is the RIGHT thing to do?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,145
Congrats on your 5 years. Good for you!
If it were my mother, I'd pay the money with no problems. Yes, she's addicted to cigarettes and maybe it contributed to her getting cancer, but the most important thing I would think is ensuring she is able to recover. I recently quit smoking (7 months ago) and it was tough. In an ideal world, she'd quit too. But maybe she just doesn't have the strength to do so right now. I really feel like considering the fact that she has breast cancer, it would probably be good for you to be as on her side as you possibly can be right now.
If it were my mother, I'd pay the money with no problems. Yes, she's addicted to cigarettes and maybe it contributed to her getting cancer, but the most important thing I would think is ensuring she is able to recover. I recently quit smoking (7 months ago) and it was tough. In an ideal world, she'd quit too. But maybe she just doesn't have the strength to do so right now. I really feel like considering the fact that she has breast cancer, it would probably be good for you to be as on her side as you possibly can be right now.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by MrsKing 
Congrats on your 5 years. Good for you!
If it were my mother, I'd pay the money with no problems. Yes, she's addicted to cigarettes and maybe it contributed to her getting cancer, but the most important thing I would think is ensuring she is able to recover. I recently quit smoking (7 months ago) and it was tough. In an ideal world, she'd quit too. But maybe she just doesn't have the strength to do so right now. I really feel like considering the fact that she has breast cancer, it would probably be good for you to be as on her side as you possibly can be right now.
If it were my mother, I'd pay the money with no problems. Yes, she's addicted to cigarettes and maybe it contributed to her getting cancer, but the most important thing I would think is ensuring she is able to recover. I recently quit smoking (7 months ago) and it was tough. In an ideal world, she'd quit too. But maybe she just doesn't have the strength to do so right now. I really feel like considering the fact that she has breast cancer, it would probably be good for you to be as on her side as you possibly can be right now.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 626
If it were my mom, i would give her the 200 a month if i could afford it but not for cigarettes.
I would buy her the nicotine patch, groceries, anything to make her life easier but i have personally seen too many pass away due to cancer or copd and i just wouldn't be able to buy what is probably the cause of her cancer.....
I understand its hard to quit as i was a smoker for 18 years but there comes a time when you have to make a choice.
Just my opinion....
Prayers for you and her...
I would buy her the nicotine patch, groceries, anything to make her life easier but i have personally seen too many pass away due to cancer or copd and i just wouldn't be able to buy what is probably the cause of her cancer.....
I understand its hard to quit as i was a smoker for 18 years but there comes a time when you have to make a choice.
Just my opinion....
Prayers for you and her...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: South
Posts: 226
This is tough. You love her, you are recovered and you know what is killing her. I think it is times like this where you have to reconcile that you are not in control. Your money will neither save her nor kill her - thankfully we as humans are not gifted with that power. I think the decision for me would be about would it make her "mental" life better and is that important to me. If yes, then give and don't think twice. If no, then don't and have no regrets. But in no way should you take the burden of believing that you are in control of her destiny. We are just not that powerful.
Last edited by DrunkTx; 03-03-2013 at 12:38 PM. Reason: Hit post too quick
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
I agree with the others.
I think, if you can afford it, you should help your mother. In my opinion, there should be no strings attached. It's not up to you to control her smoking. It would be great if the decided to stop smoking, but she might not. So, if you give her the money, then I think you have to accept that.
I think, if you can afford it, you should help your mother. In my opinion, there should be no strings attached. It's not up to you to control her smoking. It would be great if the decided to stop smoking, but she might not. So, if you give her the money, then I think you have to accept that.
Karma Amputee
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Among The Living
Posts: 769
Reposting my Grateful For post here also:
Hello old friends!!
When I stopped drinking in 2008 I came to this forum for help and support. I found it and I remain grateful for it. It’s been a long time since I have posted. Much has taken place.
A relative congratulated me today on 14 years no drinking (it’s true) but the truth is, I long ago stopped identifying with my “quitting drinking” as a “thing” to be commemorated annually.
Or as a thing I did myself.
What really happened back then is that Jesus Christ was starting the process of cleaning me up for my spiritual awakening. When my mother passed away in 2015 that was a “test” of my sobriety and I went through the pain of that without drinking. That spiritual awakening of mine turned into something more, something amazing, and I’m proud to say that today, I’m a Bible believing Christian whose remaining vices are being taken away by God in real time.
My living example led two other men in my life to put down the bottle. And never look back. Soon I will be baptized. Soon I will be made ready to testify to, to witness to, and to minister to lost souls just like the one I was when I came here with an idea I couldn’t yet articulate.
With God, nothing is impossible and the more I read the Bible with understanding, the more I learn just how frowned upon drunkenness is by God. It’s an insult to his holy temple, my body.
Thanks for reading.
All is well. 🙏
Hello old friends!!
When I stopped drinking in 2008 I came to this forum for help and support. I found it and I remain grateful for it. It’s been a long time since I have posted. Much has taken place.
A relative congratulated me today on 14 years no drinking (it’s true) but the truth is, I long ago stopped identifying with my “quitting drinking” as a “thing” to be commemorated annually.
Or as a thing I did myself.
What really happened back then is that Jesus Christ was starting the process of cleaning me up for my spiritual awakening. When my mother passed away in 2015 that was a “test” of my sobriety and I went through the pain of that without drinking. That spiritual awakening of mine turned into something more, something amazing, and I’m proud to say that today, I’m a Bible believing Christian whose remaining vices are being taken away by God in real time.
My living example led two other men in my life to put down the bottle. And never look back. Soon I will be baptized. Soon I will be made ready to testify to, to witness to, and to minister to lost souls just like the one I was when I came here with an idea I couldn’t yet articulate.
With God, nothing is impossible and the more I read the Bible with understanding, the more I learn just how frowned upon drunkenness is by God. It’s an insult to his holy temple, my body.
Thanks for reading.
All is well. 🙏
Karma Amputee
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Among The Living
Posts: 769
Originally Posted by Dee74
I’m sorry to hear your mother passed getr.
D
D
Karma Amputee
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Among The Living
Posts: 769
Originally Posted by Dee74
Very kind - could not wish for better, getr 
D
D
Many doors opened when my drinking stopped.
I started a new career in writing.
I got treatment and cleared the HCV.
I put down the cigarettes and pills for good.
And and of course I found God. 🙏
Karma Amputee
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Among The Living
Posts: 769
Music was important to me then and it’s still important to me now but my taste in lyrics and musical tone have changed a lot! I still like Metallica and heavy metal in general (got into Black Sabbath heavily in 2020) but now I really LOVE what’s called contemporary Christian music and it’s pretty much all I play and try to share with others. My Sirius radio is on 63 “The Message” now 24/7! So many great catchy songs and this stuff is just so inspiring. I absolutely love it! 🎶
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