Beginning to doubt myself
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Indiana
Posts: 147
Beginning to doubt myself
When I asked my addict /alcoholic husband to leave 2 weeks ago, I was pretty confident and proud in my decision. I was left with 4 young children (for another woman and her 3 children) by my first husband so I NEVER, EVER imagined putting someone that I love so dearly like I do my husband, through that kind of pain (especially when he went through it 12 years ago when his older daughter's mother moved herself and their daughter out of the house for another man without any warning.) After all,we are dealing with an illness here, (addiction) and when I dealt in the past with misdiagnosed depression and anxiety issues and was put on several different medications that only made me worse (suicidal, no ambition, more depressed and emotional and sometimes outright crazy between switching medications)he was right there by my side. I sometimes wonder if that's part of why he is so hurt/angry about the situation. Feeling abandoned. But,I too have felt abandoned in the past several months since we moved and we were in walking distance (my husband doesn't drink) of the places that he usually scores pills and drinks. He was hardly home in the evenings eating dinner or spending time with the family. He would only come home to pass out.His addiction had gotten so bad that he stopped being affectionate almost all together and he went from having excellent hygiene to hardly caring anymore. I know I'm going back and forth here, but I'm being to miss him.The old him.Someone said something yesterday on here about missing the way her husband smelled and that REALLY hit home with me.I decided to try to call him(even though the last time that I did,he said the cruellest things that I've ever heard in my life and he hasn't made one attempt to call or apologize since his wrath on Wednesday morning. I left him a message to call me yesterday afternoon, but he never called back. I know that talking to him is only going to hurt my feelings and if I even thought about seeing him,I would probably cave and let him back in without him changing a thing and it would go right back to where we were. Probably worse. My boundaries wouldn't mean a thing. Just need some support and kind words. My sponsor is at church and I trying to talk myself out of calling again. 
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
The back-and-forth thoughts are so common.....at least it was for me.
When I am feeling that overwhelming urge to call or do something and feeling very ambiguous and emotional about it, it usually means that I am hoping (anticipating-expecting) for the call to work out a certain way. And unfortunately, when dealing with addiction, it usually backfires......and I am left angry and disappointed.
I eventually got to the point that I would not initiate phone calls because they always seemed to turn out bad.....but that was primarily because of my own expectations. My phone call seemed to spur the addicts manipulations into high gear.....he sensed my vunerability and used it to his advantage.
I am so sorry that you are feeling lonely right now......it's so hard to deal with the fallout of addiction.
One of the sayings that helps me has to do with the definition of insanity but worded slightly differently. It applies to everything (I use it in my business as well).
"If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got."
When my hurting heart needs soothing, I try to find alternative ways to sooth it rather than turning to the addict.
You, your children and your husband are in my prayers today.
gentle hugs
ke
When I am feeling that overwhelming urge to call or do something and feeling very ambiguous and emotional about it, it usually means that I am hoping (anticipating-expecting) for the call to work out a certain way. And unfortunately, when dealing with addiction, it usually backfires......and I am left angry and disappointed.
I eventually got to the point that I would not initiate phone calls because they always seemed to turn out bad.....but that was primarily because of my own expectations. My phone call seemed to spur the addicts manipulations into high gear.....he sensed my vunerability and used it to his advantage.
I am so sorry that you are feeling lonely right now......it's so hard to deal with the fallout of addiction.
One of the sayings that helps me has to do with the definition of insanity but worded slightly differently. It applies to everything (I use it in my business as well).
"If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got."
When my hurting heart needs soothing, I try to find alternative ways to sooth it rather than turning to the addict.
You, your children and your husband are in my prayers today.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: SouthEast
Posts: 159
I went through the same with my EXAH, I so desperately wanted back the man I had married. It can't happen!
He left me for women he met at bars, one he picked up hitching. He always came back and I didn't have the confidence to break away. I truly thought he was the love of my life. I talked to another lady at the gym and she had been married to an addict. She had tears in her eyes when she told me how much she loved him, and how she could not live like that any more. How he loved drugs more than her and I felt her pain, I knew exactly what she meant.
When my EXAH left for 2 years and I didn't know where he was during that time, I finally had the confidence and courage to move on.
No one can tell you what to do (and should not!) but there is one thing that needs pointing out. You can't go back, things have happened that have changed both of you. If he comes back the chances are very high that you will slip back into the same patterns.
(((huggs)))
He left me for women he met at bars, one he picked up hitching. He always came back and I didn't have the confidence to break away. I truly thought he was the love of my life. I talked to another lady at the gym and she had been married to an addict. She had tears in her eyes when she told me how much she loved him, and how she could not live like that any more. How he loved drugs more than her and I felt her pain, I knew exactly what she meant.
When my EXAH left for 2 years and I didn't know where he was during that time, I finally had the confidence and courage to move on.
No one can tell you what to do (and should not!) but there is one thing that needs pointing out. You can't go back, things have happened that have changed both of you. If he comes back the chances are very high that you will slip back into the same patterns.
(((huggs)))
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Like an addict, codependents commonly deny, rationalize, minimize and compare out.
I used to try and figure out why my husband acted a certain way. What I have come to learn, addiction is not logical. I also learned that the more I tried to come between him and his addiction, the angrier he became with me!
I once told him "I am not your enemy, I am just your addictions." The look on his face was of complete shock. It didn't change him, but he knew what I meant.
IMO, when an addict is active, we either need to put up and shut up or step away. If not, we become their nemesis and will feel their wrath. For me, putting up and shutting up was always and simply impossible.
I used to try and figure out why my husband acted a certain way. What I have come to learn, addiction is not logical. I also learned that the more I tried to come between him and his addiction, the angrier he became with me!
I once told him "I am not your enemy, I am just your addictions." The look on his face was of complete shock. It didn't change him, but he knew what I meant.
IMO, when an addict is active, we either need to put up and shut up or step away. If not, we become their nemesis and will feel their wrath. For me, putting up and shutting up was always and simply impossible.
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