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Just Call Me the Great Avoider

Old 03-03-2013, 07:15 AM
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Just Call Me the Great Avoider

In retrospect, I've probably been an avoider of things all of my life.

When I was a teenager I bought my niece a fluffy white bunny (complete with pink eyes) from the neighbor across the street. My sister, disgusted at the sight of the little albino, told me that she couldn't have it. Instead of returning the animal to the neighbor, the poor thing sat in a computer box in a spare bedroom with barely any interaction for weeks until I finally built it a hutch. By then the damage was already done and it was not a happy bunny.

I can't pinpoint when I began turning to alcohol and weed to avoid life, but it was probably not long after I turned the legal drinking age. I was a pretty good kid in high school. Didn't party all that much. Didn't care about grades that much either, but was smart enough to get into university. Working at a fast food restaurant with other people who liked to drink led me to my first parties where I'd get wasted.

Cut to now, I'm 27 years old. I'm a writer. I used to be a digital marketer, writing copy for a prestigious theatre company, but my drinking habit got too hard to handle with a 9-5 job. More than once I found a quiet nook in the building to take a thirty minute nap.

Admitting this makes me want to do this:

And truthfully, I have cried for the first time in a long while over the last few days. I left my apartment and boyfriend and fled to my parents' home out in the country. It was the only place I knew to turn to to deal with the pain in a calm environment. My father picked up the phone at 7 a.m. on Saturday morning, surprised to hear my voice on the other line. I usually don't get up until 11 or 12 and he's well aware of this. Before I could tell him what was wrong, I began to cry. I've been crying intermittently since then.

Now I'm working on facing my emotions and dealing with my boyfriend. While he wasn't there when my problems began, the lifestyle that I've adopted with him has certainly not helped matters at all. He too drinks far too much. On top of that, he drinks to avoid his depression and anxiety. I know a person will only seek help when they're ready for it, but I want him to get help, too. He doesn't think he has a problem. I was expecting him to say that, but it's no less devastating to hear it.

Yes, I ran away from Toronto to avoid dealing with this on my own. But I knew that if i stayed, he would convince me that I don't need the help. His first reaction when I said I think I had a problem was "You're overreacting." Two words no woman wants to ever hear.

This all feels like the makings of a bad story, but there it is. I don't know what the conclusion is. I like it here in the country for now. I'm seeking professional help this Wednesday. Now that I'm out of the city, it feels easier to think about everything clearly, but I know that my habit of avoiding conflict and hard work is a lifelong problem and it needs to be addressed along with the binge drinking before I run out of good luck charms.
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Old 03-03-2013, 07:34 AM
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So let me get this straight - your at your parents home staying with them for a bit to get some things straight in your head?

I think you need to forget about the rabbit for now.....I have lots of examples like that in my head that jump out to torture me about my perceived failings at anyone random time of the day.

I don't think it sounds like you have run away.
I don't think you are avoiding conflict either.

You have made a sound decision to go be with people who love you unconditionally and probably want to help.
You seem to be unwilling to be railroaded by your boyfriend into believing your habits are okay, nothing to worry about.
And you are going for professional help.

To me thats facing this hard on, head on!!

Many of us here, me included left it a lot longer in life and wasted lots more opportunities than you. A lot of us hid what we did too from loved one's.

Feel proud of what you have done so far.
Stay with your folks and let them look after you.
Give yourself a bit of room to think.

You can really turn this around if you want to and there can be really happy chapters in your story from now on.
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Old 03-03-2013, 07:46 AM
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Sasha4, thank you. You just made me cry my first tears of happiness.

I hope I can keep this up. It's early stages, but I want to change things. I'm glad I found this community, too. I've always been an online person and for the first time in a long time I feel like I've found a place I can talk to people about my troubles.

It's when I stop talking about it that I know it will sneak back up on me. Thank you for your feedback.
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Old 03-03-2013, 08:03 AM
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I think it sounds like you have lots of good things in your life that perhaps you are blind too at the moment because drink and weed are clouding your judgement.

I think a bit of respite away from your social circle is probably best.

I had no clue about alcoholism and problem drinking before I found SR.
I was so unhappy all the time.
Life seemed like pure torture and there were things I did I was totally not proud of.
I am a big believer that you don't need to label yourself as a binge drinker, alcoholic, problem drinker or whatever other definitions there are. If drink makes you unhappy, thats enough to say enough is enough.

Read and learn as much as you can here.
There are some good books recommended in some of the stickies.
There are some documentaries on you tube too, like 'rain in my heart' which made me sit up and think this is serious stuff I have got myself into.

It's great to have you here. xx
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Old 03-03-2013, 08:11 AM
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Hi Mistlechild and welcome! So glad you found us and posted.

I agree with everything Sasha4 said. I also think that whether you're pre-destined or not, becoming an "avoider" is almost an inevitable part of being a drunk. It doesn't matter when or where it started.

But being an avoider can also help you as I think you might have proven here. You got to some place safe where you could start working on YOU. That's the important part.

I also had a BF who was a alcoholic too and reacted the same way when I told him I wanted to get help. People tend to not like mirrors held up to them whether that is the intention or not.

Point is, don't worry about him right now. Worry about YOU. Get yourself straight and then, I promise and I am sure many other here will testify, facing what you have to face, whether you're an avoider or not, will be a hell of a lot easier.

Good luck to you and please keep posting.

(Sasha4: I LOVE your posts and look for them all the time. You seem to always be able to strike the balance between empowerment and empathy and that is so awesome. Thank you for your posts and your guidance---you are an amazing writer and obviously an amazing person as well!)
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Old 03-03-2013, 08:21 AM
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I don't think you are as flawed as you believe you are.

I wish you well on your sober journey!!!
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Old 03-03-2013, 08:39 AM
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Originally Posted by Ptcapote View Post
People tend to not like mirrors held up to them whether that is the intention or not.

Point is, don't worry about him right now. Worry about YOU. Get yourself straight and then, I promise and I am sure many other here will testify, facing what you have to face, whether you're an avoider or not, will be a hell of a lot easier.
Thanks, Ptcapote. I can see that he doesn't like this mirror being held up either and it's painful to see him struggling. I'm trying to focus on myself, but he's in contact and I don't want to cut it off because I worry about his safety. When he gets really upset, he tends to overreact. Still, I know that I have to work on myself first and foremost. It's a weird balance--trying to maintain my own sanity while trying to give him some perspective, too. I love him and worry that if he doesn't get help he'll be too far gone. He has one friend who really sticks by him when the going gets tough. He was the only one on his side who reached out to me to ask my opinion. Unfortunately, he tends to surround himself with yes-men, though. "Yes, she's overreacting." "Yes, you should have a drink."

I'm going to keep posting because it's helping me. You guys are amazing. Thank you.
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Old 03-03-2013, 02:45 PM
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Welcome from me too, mistlechild - all the way over in Australia! This is a fabulous community. I agree with all that the others have said, to encourage you that you've done absolutely the right thing for you, by going to your parents' in the country.

Blessings,
Vic
xx
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Old 03-03-2013, 03:08 PM
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I'm sure you already know this but just be careful---alcoholics tend to use things like extreme reactions (even if they are genuine) and unsafe behavior to also keep people from leaving them or changing. I know this because not only did my BF do it, I did it too.

Also, it's really, really hard to get yourself better and watch out for someone else too, especially if that person doesn't want to stop drinking themselves. Try to maintain that balance but don't get discouraged or upset if you can't---it's very difficult.

There's also several posts on here (one just recently; today I think) about how trying to recover, help another recover or moderate, and stay in the relationship sometimes ends up with the person who is trying to recover drinking again just to deal with it or feel like the relationship is "normal" again.

Again, I am not expert but I have tried to stop several times with partners who were alcoholics and it was a tough slog. I ended up drinking again.

So just be easy on yourself and take care of you first. Also check around some of the other threads and forums and I think you'll see a lot of similar situations there and useful advice. I definitely did.

Best of luck to you and keep us updated!!


Originally Posted by mistlechild View Post
Thanks, Ptcapote. I can see that he doesn't like this mirror being held up either and it's painful to see him struggling. I'm trying to focus on myself, but he's in contact and I don't want to cut it off because I worry about his safety. When he gets really upset, he tends to overreact. Still, I know that I have to work on myself first and foremost. It's a weird balance--trying to maintain my own sanity while trying to give him some perspective, too. I love him and worry that if he doesn't get help he'll be too far gone. He has one friend who really sticks by him when the going gets tough. He was the only one on his side who reached out to me to ask my opinion. Unfortunately, he tends to surround himself with yes-men, though. "Yes, she's overreacting." "Yes, you should have a drink."

I'm going to keep posting because it's helping me. You guys are amazing. Thank you.
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Old 03-03-2013, 03:13 PM
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Welcome to SR mistlechild. I was instantly relieved when I found this place. Suffering alone with the anxiety I was feeling was hell. I never dreamed there were so many people just like me, with many of the same thoughts. I'm glad you've reached out for help.
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Old 03-04-2013, 11:22 AM
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Also, it's really, really hard to get yourself better and watch out for someone else too, especially if that person doesn't want to stop drinking themselves. Try to maintain that balance but don't get discouraged or upset if you can't---it's very difficult.

There's also several posts on here (one just recently; today I think) about how trying to recover, help another recover or moderate, and stay in the relationship sometimes ends up with the person who is trying to recover drinking again just to deal with it or feel like the relationship is "normal" again.

Again, I am not expert but I have tried to stop several times with partners who were alcoholics and it was a tough slog. I ended up drinking again.
My best friend D drove an hour to say to me yesterday that it's like trying to save yourself from sinking when someone else is pulling me down.

I've had some good conversations with P today, but he's suffering, too. We're talking about counseling. He wants to talk again, though. And his first message was: "I'm reconsidering what I said." I don't know what it is that he's reconsidering, but I'm so anxious to talk to him that I'm shaking.

Yes, it's hard for both of us. And I'm searching for ways out of my situation. I know that it may mean I will lose him. Although it hurts to think of it, I know it's a reality I will have to face.

Thank you for your kind words, everyone. I'm going to look up those resources you mentioned, Sasha4.
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