How we change?

Old 03-03-2013, 12:00 AM
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How we change?

so... some of you may remember my story, im back and forward with it. Im with an active alcoholic, he works hard each day, doesn't drink during the week, and we made compromise over the weekends, now sat at 2 big bottles of beer sat/sun and working well.
im aware that i am ignoring the problem, but this worked for both of us and didn't cause anyone any pain, and i don't ever get to see him drunk, so this was fine, no lying or hiding drink etc.. and the acceptance that every once in a while he'll slip, get ridiculously drunk, for a day or 2, and then all will be good again.

so this weekend is slip up weekend, got a bit too drunk Friday, had a drink Saturday morning, said he was then going to the shops, came back drunk, woke up last night after this, went to the shops, bought wine, drank all, and is now laid on the settee in the front room making all kinds of alcoholic sleep kinda noises - im expecting when i go to the gym today that he will be drunk by the time i get back.

im more worried about me, yesterday was different, i knew what was going to happen when he said he was popping to the shops, but part of me didnt care, i watched him go not really bothered, when he got back in and was drunk, i wasnt bothered, and was so pleased when he fell asleep, u heard him wake in the early hours and get more drink, and i didnt care, and i looked at him this morning and before i used to feel the need to help, to worry about what he was doing to himself, but i didnt feel that, i didnt care, i only care about him not doing it in my space, about me not feeling any pain from it.

the change is dramatic, i used to want to control and cure, although im aware of the 3 c's, i used to feel his pain and want to take it away and make it right, but now i feel nothing, not even surprised.

in a way its great, no more of this ruling my life, no more of it upsetting me, no more of it controlling me, i guess i have truly detached, but what does that mean? where do i go from here?
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Old 03-03-2013, 02:09 AM
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So as you're experiencing that -- what are you feeling? Numbness? Love? Peace? Complacency? How do you describe it?

Curious because I am thinking about my reactions when my husband uses and how I withdraw -- and then after the binge, I wanna get reconnected and close again, but just like that I could be back there in the nightmare of another binge.

Gotta learn how I let him do what he's gonna do while taking care of myself and not feeling dissociated. I love my husband and he happens to be sick.

How do you reconcile that? Maybe you're wondering the same...?
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Old 03-03-2013, 03:22 AM
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Hi Shinebright

How i would describe it is a very good question. I used to feel love, worry, concern, hurt etc etc... but this time i looked at him and thought he was a selfish disgusting pig. I had no emotion, i just wanted him out of my environment, so when he collapsed on the floor and went into a drunken sleep 'type thing' smiled, and had a peaceful feeling.
It worries me that im not angry, hurt, that i don't want to stop him, i just felt detached. totally.
The overriding thought this morning.... that he's weak, so very weak, and if he doesn't care for himself why should I? I understand he's ill, and i used to wish i could take his pain away.... but now.... im just not sure.

As for how you reconcile that? ive no idea! if you find a way.. please share!
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Old 03-03-2013, 09:52 AM
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Originally Posted by scacra1 View Post
Hi Shinebright

How i would describe it is a very good question. I used to feel love, worry, concern, hurt etc etc... but this time i looked at him and thought he was a selfish disgusting pig. I had no emotion, i just wanted him out of my environment, so when he collapsed on the floor and went into a drunken sleep 'type thing' smiled, and had a peaceful feeling.
It worries me that im not angry, hurt, that i don't want to stop him, i just felt detached. totally.
The overriding thought this morning.... that he's weak, so very weak, and if he doesn't care for himself why should I? I understand he's ill, and i used to wish i could take his pain away.... but now.... im just not sure.

As for how you reconcile that? ive no idea! if you find a way.. please share!
I think this is a great question! It's hard to reconcile that state, especially in the context of a relationship. While I still loved and did lots of worrying when I saw XAH get drunk last, it wasn't as much worry for him and his life as it was for me and my life. I think keeping the focus on you is key. What do you want and deserve out of this situation?
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Old 03-03-2013, 10:21 AM
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Dear Scacra, I suspect that the hurt and pain that his alcoholic behaviors have cost you has triggered a lot of anger in you. Sometimes the anger can overide the other emotions we have and make detachment easier. If properly harnessed, this anger can protect us from the more crippling pain and help motivate us to take more protective action for our own self-interest. This can be a good thing.

The big problem that I see with this is that addicts instinctively know how to control us to keep us "in line". If he should suddenly start acting all sweet and saying the things you long to hear---the anger usually vanishes and we are, thus, signed up for yet another ride on the rollercoaster of *ell of trying to live with an active alcoholic.

While you are still motivated, I suggest to continue to LEARN, LEARN, LEARN all yoiu can about this destructive disease and co-dependency. (the truth shall set you free).

You, alone, are in charge of your own happiness. If you don't take this responsibility---no one else ever will!!

sincerely, dandylion
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Old 03-03-2013, 06:03 PM
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Never forget that it is a progressive disease. Whatever you are willing to accept now...it will get worse. What do you want for YOUR life?
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