First time proof of my husband using cocaine
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: New York, NY
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First time proof of my husband using cocaine
Hello everyone,
After 6 years of marriage, I finally discovered proof of my husband's cocaine use and I am devastated and feel lost, and to be frank--stupid. I don't even know where to begin. Our life together has been so complicated and as I type this post, I finally understand why it has been so complicated. Forgive me if this post is all over the place--that's the way our marriage has been, all of the place, chaotic and filled with drama.
Although married for 6 years, we have been separated on and off for 3 of those 6 years and currently live 1 mile apart but talk and text daily and see each other almost daily. The complications began 6 months into our marriage when he attended an event with his family and didn't return home until 5 am. He claimed that he was just hanging out with his cousins. A married person staying out all night is not acceptable to me under any circumstances. There was much arguing and he promised to never do it again. That promise was broken quickly and after the third episode, I moved out. I actually quit my great job and moved out of state, back home to my family.
I take marriage seriously and I do love him, so even though I was out of state, we were still married and he visited me every other week or I visited him in NY. After 14 months of a long distance marriage he begged me to move back to NY. I agreed, but only after he promised and swore that he would never stay out all night. I honestly thought it was only alcohol. I have never known or been involved with a drug user so had absolutely no idea of the signs.
Anyway, as fate would have it, one day after I made the decision to move back to NY my former manager sent me an email. She just wanted to say "hello" and ask how I was doing and let me know that she missed my professionalism and positive attitude. I let her know that I was moving back to NY and she offered me my old job back. I returned to NY on Oct. 31 and went back to work 2 days later. Two weeks later, my husband stayed out all night. In spite of all the promises, he stayed out until 7 am. I told him there was no way I was putting up with him staying out all night and again, he promised never to do it again. He did it again 2 weeks later, and again, and again. All of the talks, all of the promises, meant nothing. The 3rd time it happened, one week before our February anniversary, I told him I would be moving by the end of March. It was only then that he confessed to having a drug problem. I asked what drug and he said cocaine. He promised to get help, but he didn't.
I moved out on April 1, 2010 and during that time he has claimed to be clean. Tonight, I invited him and my stepchildren over to watch a 3-d movie on my new tv. After the movie ended he went in the bathroom to smoke a cigarette. When they left to go home, I noticed he had left his pack of cigarettes. For some reason, I opened the lid on the carton and there was a little plastic baggy with white powder residue and 3 cigarettes. I was in shock and my first reaction was denial. I've never even seen cocaine/residue and for a few minutes tried to convince myself that it was something else. That only lasted about 60 seconds and I started googling "how do you know when someone is using cocaine." I finally found this site, which is the most informative and realistic because he doesn't really have the other symptoms that a lot of the other websites and blogs list. His only symptom is the constant runny nose and he claimed it was allergies. With this baggy, there is no more denying.
I didn't call him on the phone to confront him. He called me and I told him he left his cigarettes. I asked him about the green baggy and he started mumbling. I then told him I would talk to him about it tomorrow, face to face, not over the phone.
Apparently, my husband has been using cocaine for at least 6 years, the entire time of our marriage. I thought his moodiness was because he's a Gemini (seriously, my 15 year old daughter is a Gemini and she's just as moody) but his cockiness, moodiness, restlessness mixed with sleeping long hours and runny nose point to cocaine addiction. The really amazing thing is before he left, his eyes were really red and I commented that he looked sleepy.
I'm sad and angry. Sad because I love him. Angry because he obviously used at some point tonight but was driving with his children in the car. When I asked about the green baggy over the phone he asked if I'm leaving him now. I again told him that I don't want to discuss this over the phone and will talk to him face to face tomorrow.
If anyone is reading this tonight and has advice, please reply. I really love this man, but I have always wondered why he never has money and he always says it's because he pays child support. I am constantly giving him money and just gave him a check for $1,000 TONIGHT to help pay his rent.
Many thanks!
Taj
After 6 years of marriage, I finally discovered proof of my husband's cocaine use and I am devastated and feel lost, and to be frank--stupid. I don't even know where to begin. Our life together has been so complicated and as I type this post, I finally understand why it has been so complicated. Forgive me if this post is all over the place--that's the way our marriage has been, all of the place, chaotic and filled with drama.
Although married for 6 years, we have been separated on and off for 3 of those 6 years and currently live 1 mile apart but talk and text daily and see each other almost daily. The complications began 6 months into our marriage when he attended an event with his family and didn't return home until 5 am. He claimed that he was just hanging out with his cousins. A married person staying out all night is not acceptable to me under any circumstances. There was much arguing and he promised to never do it again. That promise was broken quickly and after the third episode, I moved out. I actually quit my great job and moved out of state, back home to my family.
I take marriage seriously and I do love him, so even though I was out of state, we were still married and he visited me every other week or I visited him in NY. After 14 months of a long distance marriage he begged me to move back to NY. I agreed, but only after he promised and swore that he would never stay out all night. I honestly thought it was only alcohol. I have never known or been involved with a drug user so had absolutely no idea of the signs.
Anyway, as fate would have it, one day after I made the decision to move back to NY my former manager sent me an email. She just wanted to say "hello" and ask how I was doing and let me know that she missed my professionalism and positive attitude. I let her know that I was moving back to NY and she offered me my old job back. I returned to NY on Oct. 31 and went back to work 2 days later. Two weeks later, my husband stayed out all night. In spite of all the promises, he stayed out until 7 am. I told him there was no way I was putting up with him staying out all night and again, he promised never to do it again. He did it again 2 weeks later, and again, and again. All of the talks, all of the promises, meant nothing. The 3rd time it happened, one week before our February anniversary, I told him I would be moving by the end of March. It was only then that he confessed to having a drug problem. I asked what drug and he said cocaine. He promised to get help, but he didn't.
I moved out on April 1, 2010 and during that time he has claimed to be clean. Tonight, I invited him and my stepchildren over to watch a 3-d movie on my new tv. After the movie ended he went in the bathroom to smoke a cigarette. When they left to go home, I noticed he had left his pack of cigarettes. For some reason, I opened the lid on the carton and there was a little plastic baggy with white powder residue and 3 cigarettes. I was in shock and my first reaction was denial. I've never even seen cocaine/residue and for a few minutes tried to convince myself that it was something else. That only lasted about 60 seconds and I started googling "how do you know when someone is using cocaine." I finally found this site, which is the most informative and realistic because he doesn't really have the other symptoms that a lot of the other websites and blogs list. His only symptom is the constant runny nose and he claimed it was allergies. With this baggy, there is no more denying.
I didn't call him on the phone to confront him. He called me and I told him he left his cigarettes. I asked him about the green baggy and he started mumbling. I then told him I would talk to him about it tomorrow, face to face, not over the phone.
Apparently, my husband has been using cocaine for at least 6 years, the entire time of our marriage. I thought his moodiness was because he's a Gemini (seriously, my 15 year old daughter is a Gemini and she's just as moody) but his cockiness, moodiness, restlessness mixed with sleeping long hours and runny nose point to cocaine addiction. The really amazing thing is before he left, his eyes were really red and I commented that he looked sleepy.
I'm sad and angry. Sad because I love him. Angry because he obviously used at some point tonight but was driving with his children in the car. When I asked about the green baggy over the phone he asked if I'm leaving him now. I again told him that I don't want to discuss this over the phone and will talk to him face to face tomorrow.
If anyone is reading this tonight and has advice, please reply. I really love this man, but I have always wondered why he never has money and he always says it's because he pays child support. I am constantly giving him money and just gave him a check for $1,000 TONIGHT to help pay his rent.
Many thanks!
Taj
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: My city of ruins...
Posts: 593
He needs an ultimatum. Either get help or you leave. But you have to mean it. For real. And be willing to let him go battle his demons on his own if he chooses drugs over himself.
That's the short version of a 3000 word post I'm sure I could write. He sounds to me like rehab is a good option. Or NA/AA.
Good luck to you...either he cleans up or you get up. And go.
That's the short version of a 3000 word post I'm sure I could write. He sounds to me like rehab is a good option. Or NA/AA.
Good luck to you...either he cleans up or you get up. And go.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: pa
Posts: 297
my advice right now is to call him and tell him you're putting a stop payment on the check and then call your bank and do so. if not, you're basically just putting 1000 bucks worth of cocaine up his nose for him. cocaine causes people to be dishonest, manipulative and just overall bad. allowing yourself to be involved with him unless he totally cleans up will only cause you pain and stress. I agree with IWillWin about the ultimatum, though due to the nature of the drug it will be hard for you to know if he's really cleaning up or not. Also FYI habitual cocaine use more often than not also means he's smoking crack.
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Sincere thanks to all of you for replying. I am going to ask him for the check back and of he doesn't return it I will put a stop payment on it. I keep looking at the little baggy, still trying to reconcile myself to the fact that I've loved and lived with this man for all these years and don't really know him at all. This is painful, but I am grateful to God for revealing this situation to me. I have a new compassion for families struggling with a loved one in the grips of addiction and know that I can't help him. I have to let go and move on and the letting go is the hardest part. I've moved on from many things in my life but letting go of the only man I've ever loved is absolutely devastating. I can't be his support person, I no longer trust him. Even if he attends rehab, I know that the possibility of him using again will always be there and I refuse to live my life in fear.
Thank you all so much for your support. I thank God for directing me to this website. I have been on the fence about getting involved in some type of charitable organization and this is it. My heart goes out to each and every person dealing with substance abuse and their families. I have never understood why anyone would use an addictive substance and realize it doesn't matter why, it just is. Heck, I just kicked a caffeine habit and spent 3 days with a horrible withdrawal headache and crankiness. I can't even imagine how bad it is to withdraw from a drug as powerful as cocaine but I do know that he will never do it with me in his life. I have been his crutch and enabler for 6 years and he would just continue manipulating my heart.
May God bless each of you and your families.
With love,
Taj
Thank you all so much for your support. I thank God for directing me to this website. I have been on the fence about getting involved in some type of charitable organization and this is it. My heart goes out to each and every person dealing with substance abuse and their families. I have never understood why anyone would use an addictive substance and realize it doesn't matter why, it just is. Heck, I just kicked a caffeine habit and spent 3 days with a horrible withdrawal headache and crankiness. I can't even imagine how bad it is to withdraw from a drug as powerful as cocaine but I do know that he will never do it with me in his life. I have been his crutch and enabler for 6 years and he would just continue manipulating my heart.
May God bless each of you and your families.
With love,
Taj
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 81
.hm this doesn't make sense. 6 years of use and none notices. We all have moodswings . That's normal but the amount of damage the cocaine leaves will have a toll on the body within months. I would dig in for more info.
Something is not right.
Something is not right.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 3,062
As a former cocaine addict myself, I would suggest you find support/information through Naranon. It is the "partner" support to Narcotics Anonymous. I respect the choices that you are making and I'm glad you are taking care of yourself!
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I hope that you find support for yourself at AlAnon or NarAnon where you will find people in similar situations.
We also have a forum on this message board for Friends & Families of Substance Abusers. Just scroll down the main page.
We also have a forum on this message board for Friends & Families of Substance Abusers. Just scroll down the main page.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
I'd put the stop on the check immediately, not wait for him to give you the check back because he's probably "lost" (cashed) it.
It is a terrible shock to have to confront the evidence of someone with an addiction, and I am sorry that you are in that situation.
You sound very levelheaded, and you're making wise choices for yourself. There is so much support here on Sober Recovery, and I encourage you to join us as we sort out what it is about us that let us ignore the red flags for so long. That's the recovery process for partners of addicts.
ShootingStar1
It is a terrible shock to have to confront the evidence of someone with an addiction, and I am sorry that you are in that situation.
You sound very levelheaded, and you're making wise choices for yourself. There is so much support here on Sober Recovery, and I encourage you to join us as we sort out what it is about us that let us ignore the red flags for so long. That's the recovery process for partners of addicts.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Jan 2013
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Originally Posted by Taj 
Sincere thanks to all of you for replying. I am going to ask him for the check back and of he doesn't return it I will put a stop payment on it. I keep looking at the little baggy, still trying to reconcile myself to the fact that I've loved and lived with this man for all these years and don't really know him at all. This is painful, but I am grateful to God for revealing this situation to me. I have a new compassion for families struggling with a loved one in the grips of addiction and know that I can't help him. I have to let go and move on and the letting go is the hardest part. I've moved on from many things in my life but letting go of the only man I've ever loved is absolutely devastating. I can't be his support person, I no longer trust him. Even if he attends rehab, I know that the possibility of him using again will always be there and I refuse to live my life in fear.
Thank you all so much for your support. I thank God for directing me to this website. I have been on the fence about getting involved in some type of charitable organization and this is it. My heart goes out to each and every person dealing with substance abuse and their families. I have never understood why anyone would use an addictive substance and realize it doesn't matter why, it just is. Heck, I just kicked a caffeine habit and spent 3 days with a horrible withdrawal headache and crankiness. I can't even imagine how bad it is to withdraw from a drug as powerful as cocaine but I do know that he will never do it with me in his life. I have been his crutch and enabler for 6 years and he would just continue manipulating my heart.
May God bless each of you and your families.
With love,
Taj
Thank you all so much for your support. I thank God for directing me to this website. I have been on the fence about getting involved in some type of charitable organization and this is it. My heart goes out to each and every person dealing with substance abuse and their families. I have never understood why anyone would use an addictive substance and realize it doesn't matter why, it just is. Heck, I just kicked a caffeine habit and spent 3 days with a horrible withdrawal headache and crankiness. I can't even imagine how bad it is to withdraw from a drug as powerful as cocaine but I do know that he will never do it with me in his life. I have been his crutch and enabler for 6 years and he would just continue manipulating my heart.
May God bless each of you and your families.
With love,
Taj
You DO know him, but you know two people. Within the addict there is, I believe, always a good person trying to be free. But addiction is very powerful. I speak as an addict (alcohol) who is sober now, and has been sober about 90% of the last 40 years. BUT, as soon as I pick up a drink, Mr. Hyde appears, and the more of this I do the nastier Mr. Hyde becomes.
Yet, I am talented, love people, attractive, smart, have many friends, am married... and I know all this. Why do I relapse???? I am not sure there is any answer to that question, but I do know that when I am not around other sober people on a regular basis I am in danger. Your husband probably needs serious rehab, and then a strong association with NA (or any other program). You cannot "fix" him, certainly not with money unless he is clean. All you can do is make these suggestions and say that you are willing to reconsider after he has chosen to do something about his problem. He will have to choose.
I am so sorry for you; I was sober for a long time married to husband #2, an alcoholic, so I have been on both sides of the fence. I HATE what we do to those we love, and ourselves just for an immediate high.
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Bigaquagirl, one thing I know is that as beautiful as love is, it allows us to be blind to many things that aren't right. I'm 47 years old, never used drugs and never knowingly even interacted with a drug user. Other than television, I had never even seen cocaine or any other illegal drugs. I work hard and live a simple life. I didn't "party" as a teenager so drugs and alcohol were never an issue in my life. Growing up, my father was larger than life, enigmatic, prone to moodiness and controlling, but his family was everything to him. So my husband's behavior never raised any red flags. He's definitely not thin, if anything he could stand to lose 20 pounds. The constant runny nose just started in the last six months. He sleeps soundly at night, never misses work and just doesn't exhibit the other signs I've read about.
At any rate, I stopped payment on my check and refuse to get into any discussion with him. My only comment to him was that he needs to get help and I will not disciss the issue because I don't know him and don't trust him. He's in denial, insisting that he doesn't have a problem and saying he can't afford a habit and still pay his rent. His denial is so deep that he said I haven't been supporting his habit, the money I give him goes toward rent and other expenses. This is an intelligent, professional, yet he has convinced himself to believe that my giving him money and paying for his gas and auto insurance doesn't support his habit.
Pamel, yes--I have read Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. Sad thing is I often joked with him that he was like the character.
I have no regrets. Every experience in life is a lesson to me and painful experiences help me to be more compassionate. The $1000 that I was going to give to him I am donating to various charities. Life is for living and loving. I do know that he will not stop trying to pull me back in as he's done so many times before. But this time is different--I have seen the proof with my own eyes.
Thank you all again. I sincerely appreciate the support. I did take a picture of the baggy--I never want to forget.
Warm regards,
Taj
At any rate, I stopped payment on my check and refuse to get into any discussion with him. My only comment to him was that he needs to get help and I will not disciss the issue because I don't know him and don't trust him. He's in denial, insisting that he doesn't have a problem and saying he can't afford a habit and still pay his rent. His denial is so deep that he said I haven't been supporting his habit, the money I give him goes toward rent and other expenses. This is an intelligent, professional, yet he has convinced himself to believe that my giving him money and paying for his gas and auto insurance doesn't support his habit.
Pamel, yes--I have read Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. Sad thing is I often joked with him that he was like the character.
I have no regrets. Every experience in life is a lesson to me and painful experiences help me to be more compassionate. The $1000 that I was going to give to him I am donating to various charities. Life is for living and loving. I do know that he will not stop trying to pull me back in as he's done so many times before. But this time is different--I have seen the proof with my own eyes.
Thank you all again. I sincerely appreciate the support. I did take a picture of the baggy--I never want to forget.
Warm regards,
Taj
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 7
been there..still doing it
[QUOTE=Taj;3843763]Hello everyone,
After 6 years of marriage, I finally discovered proof of my husband's cocaine use and I am devastated and feel lost, and to be frank--stupid. I don't even know where to begin.
Hello
I am a newcomer to this website but not a newcomer to the same plight you are in. I posted my story in the newcomers site on Friday hoping for some feedback. Seven years ago, I found my live in boyfriend's cocaine and had a similar experience as you. I immediately went into a panic attack in my body, something I had never felt before..my mind went into denial..trying to make it be anything but what it was...maybe it was laundry detergent, maybe it was sheet rock dust from his work...anything but what it was...after about 5 minutes of denial whirlwind in my brain, I forced myself to face the reality..this is cocaine..this is why we had been having so many problems..this now makes so much sense why I could not figure out why he disappeared all the time, why he would not answer his phone, why his answers to my questions did not make any sense. My first reaction also was to feel soooo soooo STUPID! In fact, that was my toughest struggle...getting over being duped. But that is what addicts do, they lie..they will always lie to you and lie about not lying.
I can also relate to the Dr. Jeckyl, Mr. Hyde syndrome. I live with two distinctly different personalities in one person...the love of my life and soul mate and an intruder who is like a demon doing everything possible to destroy us both.
So, here I am 7 years after I found his cocaine. Mostly taking care of myself..I have learned not to take his lying personally..not to say, "how can you do that to me/us?" But I do not know who I live with now..more and more it is the bad one and I wrote on this website last Friday because I am working up the nerve to evict him from my house and call it quits for good. I have given him many ultimatums over the years and some progress has been made each time..but he keeps settling for managing a "small addiction"..not wanting to give it up entirely.
I am sorry for your pain and confusion. Yes, take care of yourself. You did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.
After 6 years of marriage, I finally discovered proof of my husband's cocaine use and I am devastated and feel lost, and to be frank--stupid. I don't even know where to begin.
Hello
I am a newcomer to this website but not a newcomer to the same plight you are in. I posted my story in the newcomers site on Friday hoping for some feedback. Seven years ago, I found my live in boyfriend's cocaine and had a similar experience as you. I immediately went into a panic attack in my body, something I had never felt before..my mind went into denial..trying to make it be anything but what it was...maybe it was laundry detergent, maybe it was sheet rock dust from his work...anything but what it was...after about 5 minutes of denial whirlwind in my brain, I forced myself to face the reality..this is cocaine..this is why we had been having so many problems..this now makes so much sense why I could not figure out why he disappeared all the time, why he would not answer his phone, why his answers to my questions did not make any sense. My first reaction also was to feel soooo soooo STUPID! In fact, that was my toughest struggle...getting over being duped. But that is what addicts do, they lie..they will always lie to you and lie about not lying.
I can also relate to the Dr. Jeckyl, Mr. Hyde syndrome. I live with two distinctly different personalities in one person...the love of my life and soul mate and an intruder who is like a demon doing everything possible to destroy us both.
So, here I am 7 years after I found his cocaine. Mostly taking care of myself..I have learned not to take his lying personally..not to say, "how can you do that to me/us?" But I do not know who I live with now..more and more it is the bad one and I wrote on this website last Friday because I am working up the nerve to evict him from my house and call it quits for good. I have given him many ultimatums over the years and some progress has been made each time..but he keeps settling for managing a "small addiction"..not wanting to give it up entirely.
I am sorry for your pain and confusion. Yes, take care of yourself. You did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.
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