For better or for worse,in sickness(addiction?)and in health,'til death due us part.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Indiana
Posts: 147
For better or for worse,in sickness(addiction?)and in health,'til death due us part.
I'm starting to doubt myself. I made a decision to have my husband leave the home until he makes the decision to get into treatment. I still love him and since my recent falling out with?his mother(and the fact that his cellphone is shut off)I haven't heard anything from him.Even though he has never been a cheater,I have alot of trust issues from my previous marriage that I'm still working on and sometimes I let my mind wander and worry that he's moved on to find someone else to take care of him.I know that I'm probably being crazy here but I don't want to lose him. I already lost him emotionally several months ago. I really hoped that he would come around at some point a
nd realize what he is doing to this family.
nd realize what he is doing to this family.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
I have been re-reading my wedding vows in the last week myself too. My husband and I got married in the summer and I did not know of his addiction issues. It has hit me like a ton of bricks, but thanks to Al Anon and support groups online, I'm finding my way back to sanity.
It's a big deal to draw that line in the sand that you did with your husband about not living with you until he gets into recovery. I have heard stories of that kind of ultimatum waking a spouse up and scaring them into going to recovery and I have heard of it not leading to them taking up a recovery program.
That seems to be the theme I keep hearing -- they our loved ones (the addicts) are going to keep doing what they do no matter what we do -- so the best thing is for us to make sure that we take action in our own best interest because we can't control them. And trying to control them just makes us sick!
Maybe during this time while he is not in the house, you can start sharing here more often and focusing on you. I know it can be so hard when the mind is worrying about what he is doing and why is hasn't called and who he is spending time with, etc.
That's all the more reason to get refocused on you and take care of yourself as best you can. I'm so sorry this is happening and it's so painful for you and your family. You're doing the right thing by reaching out. Hang in there. This too shall pass. xo
It's a big deal to draw that line in the sand that you did with your husband about not living with you until he gets into recovery. I have heard stories of that kind of ultimatum waking a spouse up and scaring them into going to recovery and I have heard of it not leading to them taking up a recovery program.
That seems to be the theme I keep hearing -- they our loved ones (the addicts) are going to keep doing what they do no matter what we do -- so the best thing is for us to make sure that we take action in our own best interest because we can't control them. And trying to control them just makes us sick!
Maybe during this time while he is not in the house, you can start sharing here more often and focusing on you. I know it can be so hard when the mind is worrying about what he is doing and why is hasn't called and who he is spending time with, etc.
That's all the more reason to get refocused on you and take care of yourself as best you can. I'm so sorry this is happening and it's so painful for you and your family. You're doing the right thing by reaching out. Hang in there. This too shall pass. xo
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Breathe......
In the heat of the problem, we sometimes do things for the wrong reasons.....I certainly have done it my share of times. If you asked him to move out until/unless he gets into treatment to force him to do it.......it could backfire. If you asked him to move out until/unless he gets into treatment because you don't want to live with an active addict and you needed space and time so that you could work on getting your life and emotions more manageable, your motivations were right on track.
You can't control your husband. None of us can control another human being. Marriage vows are only as valid as the two people who make them.
You've got some space and time right now....I hope you'll use it wisely. He's going to do what he's going to do. The important thing right now is to use this time to get some perspective and take care of you. It is possible to find peace whether the addict continues to use or not. And that is within your control.
gentle hugs
ke
In the heat of the problem, we sometimes do things for the wrong reasons.....I certainly have done it my share of times. If you asked him to move out until/unless he gets into treatment to force him to do it.......it could backfire. If you asked him to move out until/unless he gets into treatment because you don't want to live with an active addict and you needed space and time so that you could work on getting your life and emotions more manageable, your motivations were right on track.
You can't control your husband. None of us can control another human being. Marriage vows are only as valid as the two people who make them.
You've got some space and time right now....I hope you'll use it wisely. He's going to do what he's going to do. The important thing right now is to use this time to get some perspective and take care of you. It is possible to find peace whether the addict continues to use or not. And that is within your control.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 165
i learned about boundaries on this site when i discovered my husband was cheating AND had a coke addiction...all at the same time. i put him out. in order to reconcile, i had some clear boundaries in place, and was ready to walk away if he would not comply. the first one was that i was not going to live with an active addict not in recovery. and i meant it. it could have gone either way...but he chose to get help.
i had to think about what was best for me. he was going to do what he wanted regardless, you know? i mean, he had been right? i just had to make up in my mind that he could do whatever he wanted to do...but he just couldnt do whatever he wanted and still be with me.
i had to think about what was best for me. he was going to do what he wanted regardless, you know? i mean, he had been right? i just had to make up in my mind that he could do whatever he wanted to do...but he just couldnt do whatever he wanted and still be with me.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I see marriage as a car - one party is the gas and the other the tires.
doesn't matter how FULL the gas tank is (how much that party is putting IN to the relationship) without TIRES the car isn't going anywhere. conversely full inflated tires do no good if the other party has drained the gas out of the tank. at best the car could be rolled a few feet. but it's not GOING anywhere.
doesn't matter how FULL the gas tank is (how much that party is putting IN to the relationship) without TIRES the car isn't going anywhere. conversely full inflated tires do no good if the other party has drained the gas out of the tank. at best the car could be rolled a few feet. but it's not GOING anywhere.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 398
Originally Posted by shinebright7 
they our loved ones (the addicts) are going to keep doing what they do no matter what we do -- so the best thing is for us to make sure that we take action in our own best interest because we can't control them. And trying to control them just makes us sick!
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
While its true we marry for better or for worse and in sickness and in health, I found that I didn't marry for lies, instability, lack of partnership in a marriage and an addiction that just didn't go away.. My worse became my hell and I finally had to respect me enough to walk away..
Walking away from my marriage was hard though and it took me over two years to finally just rip the bandaid off...
Work on you and the rest will fall into place at its appropriate time
Walking away from my marriage was hard though and it took me over two years to finally just rip the bandaid off...
Work on you and the rest will fall into place at its appropriate time
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
Originally Posted by jerect
While its true we marry for better or for worse and in sickness and in health, I found that I didn't marry for lies, instability, lack of partnership in a marriage and an addiction that just didn't go away..
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