Johno1967

Has anyone found that your relationship changes with those you have come clean with?
I've found that friends and associates I've got in touch with to make amends have been gracious but have seemed embarrassed and uncomfortable to hear I'm a recovering alcoholic and to receive a confession. I get the feeling that they have a perception or image of my personality which is now challenged or they didn't realize I had a problem and they feel confused because they did not know or betrayed because I covered it for so long.
In any case I go half way and no further and not heard from any of these people again. The idea that step 9 is a bad idea has crossed my mind but the the feeling I get afterwards makes it worth it.
Anyone had the same experience?

paul99

I haven't had that experience yet. Most of my amends are employers and other co-workers. They were nothing but gracious and accepting. Now, I haven't had contact with most of them since, but I know that I am welcome in their places of work or I will receive a hearty handshake if I run into them on the street, rather than me ducking and hiding in the bushes.

I can't control their reactions or how they perceive me afterwards. Step 9 is about cleaning my side of the street, and however the other person reacts - kicking me out of their office, calling me names, slamming the door on me - that doesn't change the fact I have made the approach and have done what I can. I don't hound or hunt people over and over again -we don't grovel.

But you are correct in saying the feeling afterwards is worth it. Every time I make an amend, I feel that much freer. I am curious to hear more responses - I could hear amends stories all day.

UncleMeat69

My sponsor suggested that I run amends by him first to ensure that my motives are
proper and that I would not cause additional harm to the person I previously hurt.

More importantly, he advised that "An amend is an implied promise to change the
behavior that caused the damage !" Lets say I make an amend to my wife and
tell her I am sorry for all the nasty things I said when I drank. I am implying that, even
in sobriety, I will not act that way again. We may still have differences, but I no longer
will dredge up the past or attack her personally.
That is a tall order to fill because it means I must change my old habits.
Until I am ready to make my amend and change myself, it will be meaningless to the person I hurt.
I must ask HP to be a better person so that I may
better accomplish His will for me.

Finally, regular earth people do not understand alcoholism and sometimes they may get
"wierded out" when we approach them. Our job is to clean up our side of the street,
not theirs. Never say "I'm sorry, but if you had just done this or that, I wouldn't have
acted that way." Its none of my business how they react.

Johno1967

Ain't that true! Even drop a vague hint of a spiritual element or religious overtone to your amend making and you can see / hear the "weirdo alert" going off with the person you are making amends with. I almost burst out laughing after a former colleague cut me off when I said the word "spiritual" and quickly said his Goodbye's before hanging up. I thought we were having a great chat! Oh well as you say, we are cleaning our side of the street, not there's. Since I started on this journey the world seems like a place that is largely oblivious to a spiritual reality I'm increasingly becoming more conscious of. World politics, gossip and the daily news don't seem to have the same hold on me as before. I will never be ashamed to admit my new found spirituality and faith, though I probably won't go as far as yelling it out from the roof top. Affirming my faith to others helps solidify it. What a gift. The steps do indeed work if you try.

UncleMeat69

The term I like to use is Secular Totalitarianism. Your instincts are correct.