Yogagurl

I have made living arrangements to get out of my house. My addict husband came home last night using and I left. I went to a bar and stayed gone all night. I figure, what's the point of me being home? He isn't present and his paranoia is quite frankly annoying. When I got home this morning, he was upset because I didn't call or come home. He insinuated that I slept with someone else. That I was a bad wife.

I called a friend and she said I could stay with her till I found a place. There is nothing for me here anymore. I don't have a husband.

shinebright7

Ugh that is so hard. (((((hugs)))))

It's so good that you have a loving friend who will let you come stay with her. Definitely go there and try to rest and recover from the recent upset. Sometimes we need a soft place to land.

I too recently went to a friend's house when I needed that and it was really helpful to be in a loving environment and have a change of pace. Take care of yourself and try to get some good sleep. I know that's something that really helps me be more resourceful and able to take care of myself better.

The husband you know and love is not there when he is using - that's for sure. But we still have ourselves and that's who we need to focus on in times like this - as hard as it is. I am learning this too. When they are using they are irrational, mean, untruthful, all sorts of things...and sometimes even when they're not using they can be like that because they are still thinking about getting what they need. It's a sickness and I'm sorry it's affecting you too.

Keep coming back to the group here to share and vent and get support. I'm new to this forum in particular, but have realized from other forums and through going to Al Anon that we're all in this together and you're not the only one going through stuff like this. xo

Ann

I'm glad you have a friend who will help you. Remaining in a toxic relationship is dangerous and will steal your soul away.

Taking some space and a breather will help you plan your next right step.

I wish you better days ahead. You are stronger than you think and will be just fine.

Hugs

Fandy

Please think of consulting an attorney to separate and save youself financially too.

lightseeker

I'm glad that you have a place to go..... it will help to take a time out to step back and figure out what is best for you.

I agree that protecting yourself financially is key....whether you are living with him or not. There is nothing that you can do to stop/halt/change the course of this runaway train. The only thing that can be done is to jump out of the way of it.

My prayers are with you - and your husband. I know that this is so difficult. I also know that you will be under a lot of pressure from him. You have been a big crutch for him and the "addict" side of him is going to do and say whatever it takes to try and guilt you/manipulate you into keeping the status quo going. He has known that you were there to pick up the pieces for him and that really has worked for him. I hope that you will keep posting here because you will need support to withstand this.

Let us know how you are doing.

Kindeyes

I'm sorry that you're having to deal with the fallout of addiction but very glad to hear that you have a supportive place to go.

I remember the pain (yet at the same time relief) of making the decision that my marriage to my XAH was over. It took me five years to get to that point (back and forth and back and forth unable to make a decision). But it still hurt deeply. I felt as though I had failed when nothing could have been further from the truth.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

Sasha4

Good for you.

I hope life is happier, less eventful, peaceful and drama free with your friend.

I agree with you, you don't have a husband. Husbands should not behave like that. A husband should not be out using so that you feel like their is no point being home. A husband should not accuse you of sleeping with someone else when you have been out all night - what a piece of work he is?!! How dare he inflict his low standards on you?

Be strong and please know I care about you. XXXX

Yogagurl

Hello friends,

Thank you all so much for your responses. What the hardest thing for me to deal with is the guilt. Somehow, no matter what he does or how badly he hurts me or screws things up, I always end up feeling guilty. Like, I feel guilty for staying out all night and making him worry, even though he will tell me lie after lie after lie about where he is going. And when I say that I'm leaving, he says "I thought you said that you would never leave me..." which makes me feel that I am going back on my word. I know that no matter what I said, I shouldn't remain a part of his life. He truly doesn't have a life. He uses every moment he isn't at work. Every weekend. All weekend. And he doesn't respect the fact that I don't want it on our property either.

I already recognize the subtle ways that he uses my actions against me. It's like nothing that I do is ENOUGH. "You are my rock, you are my best friend, I can't imagine my life without you, I'm going to change, I'm going to start taking you out, I'm going to be a better man, This isn't really who I am, etc, etc" All these are things that come out of his mouth at the end of every weekend. And then every pay day, without fail, he has made his way to a crack house on the way home. And if anyone has ever known a crack addict, they won't stop until the entire paycheck is gone and every item they can pawn is at the closest shop.


The whole day, he has claimed to be angry with me because I didn't come home Friday night. And yes, I think it's AUDACIOUS for him to incinuate that I would sleep with someone else. He is borderline psychotic from the drug use. Literally. When he's high, he goes through the computer, my phone, my email, whatever, trying to sift through and see if I'm doing something with another man behind his back.

I should be out of the house by next weekend. I have frankly been too depressed to move forward. I haven't gotten out of bed the past couple of days because of the emotional toll this has taken on me.

Thank you everyone for replying to my posts and for offering me support at a time that is so crucial. This website has truly given me a nudge in the right direction. God knows, I need more than a nudge. I need someone to relocate my dysfunctional butt and change all of my contact information so I am out of touch with him all together!!

lightseeker

I think that you are doing fine under the circumstances....when I left my husband (who had been a previous crack addict but got sober while we were together) I struggled with the guilt too. Even though I had nothing to feel guilty about. I'll repeat again the advice that helped me the most when I felt guilty....make a list of what you feel guilty about. Then go back and look at his part in it. I quickly realized that everything that I felt guilty about were actions that I chose in order to take care of myself.

I'm sure that thiere is a part of him that means those things he says about wanting to be different. But crack hijacks the mind and unless someone is really willing to do whatever it takes they are going to struggle.

It's so hard to realize that the only possible thing to do is to get out of the way. I had to remind myself that my feelings/love could continue all that they wanted but there wasn't any reason to expose myself to active addiction (even if someone doesn't want to be addicted).

Remember what they say about oxygen masks on airplanes....put it on yourself first. If you don't save yourself there is nothing else you can do for anyone else.

The only thing tougher than leaving is choosing to stay. Sending you lots of support and hugs.

LoveMeNow

This was originally posted by Cynical One. It is in her blog with a warning that it is graphic and can have triggers. After reading this, I finally understood addiction and its power. Very scary!!

http://www.janushead.org/7-1/Trujillo2.pdf

AnvilheadII

quit listening to the raving lunatic. he IS psychotic....his brain is hijacked. he is not sane.

make your exit safe sane and swift. not be an alarmist, but you are in dangerous situation with a crazy man. act accordingly.

Fandy

I assure you that HE does not feel guilty for all he has taken from you....he's got an excuse that he exercises constantly.

please stay safe...this might escalate.

Lily1918

:,l