my3sonsnme

I seem to have lost the need for sleep in the last 2 years....my norm use to be sitting up all night drinking coffee obsessing on where I went wrong and what I should have done different, now its more of planning what Im going to do to get my son and I to a better place.
You've got to understand...its been years of this. April will be 19 to be exact. Its been 4 years September since we have lived in the same house and Im thinking I will be getting the divorce decree in the mail in the next few weeks. A long journey since I packed up and finally left and (Im sure a few of you will get a snicker out of this) not any where near how I imagined it to turn out.
If you would have told me 20 yrs ago that it would end up with my STBXAH living on the other side of town with someone else and having ZERO relationships with his son and my other 2 that he raised from very young ages, I would have laughed in your face.
We were the typical middle class family with the house and the boat and the dog...and the little secret in the closet. One that if I was honest..even when I left I had not really excepted. I mean, was he really an alcoholic?...don't a lot of guys sit in the garage every night and drink until everyone is asleep?..He was a farm boy who grew up in a small town, everyone drank, its what they did.
We did our dance and I called his bluff and moved out and when he finally got sober all hell blew up in our faces...because that's when the truth came out...that's when he had to face who he was...and I had to face who he was.
and it WAS NOT the fantasy I had lived on in my head.
Theres a song that has a line in it...
Falling from cloud 9...yeah...that describes my life for the past 2 years.
Life is moving on as it does...my sons are adapting. Im adapting...which makes me really sad sometimes, cus well..I didn't want to. I wanted my fantasy...It was a pretty cool fantasy...but a fantasy all the same. OUCH...

Tuffgirl

I can relate. But I have to point out...you say you packed up and finally left...somewhere inside your head is a voice of reason that doesn't want the fantasy. Let that voice be heard more often. It's the one you want to be listening to. Everything else is...well...just part of the fantasy.

It sounds as if things are going well, and when I get into this rut, I make a point of working extra hard on my gratitude. Sure, my fantasy was nice at first, too. But today, my reality is so much better!!

DreamsofSerenity

I really loved your post. It wasn't rambling, it was like stream of consciousness stuff.

Your exah doesn't sound sober, (in the sense of mind as well as body), because of the fact he isn't seeing the children. It's not healthy adult behavior. That said, at least he isn't using them as pawns in a war against you which I've read can often happen. At least they are away from his problems.

I can understand your devastation, especially if you stuck with him for so many years hoping he'd get sober, and when he finally did, it was nothing like you envisioned.

All I can really say is that you will feel better in time. You just have to get through this time. You have your kids and they are a blessing!

Hugs to you.

Seren

Well, no, most guys don't sit in their garages and drink all night until everyone else in the family is asleep--only alcoholics.

And having grown up in a small farm town myself, I can state that no, most people don't drink. At least not in the way you are describing--only the alcoholics.

I'm sorry for the loss of your dream. I know how much that must hurt. You can make your life better for you and for your beautiful children from here on out. So many of our members know exactly how you are feeling right now--you are among people who completely understand.

my3sonsnme

thanks guys..and just to be clear, I know that sitting in the garage drinking until everyone was asleep was not normal...LOL!
Im getting to a place where that life seems like so long ago, and believe me...not to long ago I thought that would never happen and that really, there was no way I was going to make it through this. I have never in my entire life felt that kind of pain..and to think that someone I loved so much was causing it and, I felt, purposely and personally trying to ruin me...just thinking now of where I was makes me tear up. Ive heard people say "I was in a really dark place" and thought, really?? that is sooo dramatic...now I can totally relate.
It doesn't feel so heavy now...I can think of that time and I don't get that shock to my system anymore. Its been 16 months since I caught him with this "woman" hes with now. It feels like 16 years. but I wonder sometimes if I will ever feel the same about myself again.
I was remembering the other day how I use to love to be driving on a really beautiful spring morning with my favorite song playing really loud and the windows down...how that use to make me feel so happy. I haven't felt that in so long..I hope I get there again some day.