Reflecting...

Old 03-01-2013, 10:18 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
 
LoveMeNow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Reflecting...

I am still away and having a great time. I still have not booked my ticket home and do not know when I will be returning yet.

I have never been away from home this long, well not in years. I had become way too controlling, would have anxiety about leaving and even more anxious about returning home. I dreaded coming home to a mess even though I had a cleaning lady and have never came home to one. Talk about controlling and OCD. I wasn't always this way. It happened slowly without me even realizing it. I always just thought and have been told by many that I was the glue that held my family together. I had to be home to make sure every one was doing what they were suppose to do....home work, projects, activities, sports, right down to brushing their teeth, eating healthy and taking vitamins.

I share this because if you are doing this too....please stop! Instead of making sure things got done like homework, I should have allowed the natural consequences of choices. Looking back, my kids getting good grades, looking nice, clean house, etc was all about me and my ego! Somewhere along the way, I had lost sight of what was truly important.

I can't undo the mistakes I made but I can share them in hopes some of you don't make the same ones! If your kids get a few bad grades, it's not the end of the world. If the laundry piles up, it can wait! If the kitchen floor isn't spotless, who cares! I couldn't wait until everyone went to sleep, so I could clean and do laundry. I considered it my time and felt "better" when everything was in order.

As my life was spinning out of control, I became more obsessed because it was something that I could control. I had lost me, but damn, my house was spotless, my kids wore and looked the best, my yard was always immaculate and my dogs were well groomed. But I was dying inside and had no idea how to fix it. I knew my marriage had changed for the worse but I didn't understand why! My denial ran deep. At one time, I had it all.....and I was going to keep it...if it killed me. I was at the end of my rope but hung on for dear life. Dropping the rope was not an option. I wouldn't even have considered it because I was not a quitter, I was strong....I could fix it all. I was the glue!! Yet I was becoming unglued but still felt stuck in a situation (addiction/codependenct) that I had no experience with, no education on, and no power over! I couldn't admit that I was powerless until I knew I was no match for addiction and I was officially hitting my rock bottom.

I blamed my husband for it all too. In some ways, I really started to hate him. But i really hated myself for not being stronger, for being in denial for too long, and for allowing my fears to paralyze me! I hated myself for not being able to "fix" it or him. I was even mad at God for not answering my prayers the way I wanted! But I do know now that HE has a plan and I just need to let myself be lead!

Lastly, my husband got the Vivitrol shot today and is really sick from it. (vomiting, diarrhea, stomache pains) I have to be honest, although I am worried about him, I am glad I am not there. I know he has people to call, this was his choice and it is his journey! I have my own to live! I am enjoying being free from him and his problems for a change.

Thank you letting me share!
LoveMeNow is offline  
Old 03-01-2013, 11:33 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Lily1918's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
this made me cry :,( I've always been taught "cleanliness is next to godliness" but you're right! its about control. wow. what a beautiful post. thank you. I have no words.
Lily1918 is offline  
Old 03-02-2013, 01:04 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
 
laurie6781's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Oh my goodness!!!!!

Look how far you have come! Wow your recovery is showing!!!!

Good job!!!

Remember this is an ongoing journey so sending healing thoughts and prayers that you
continue this beautiful road you are one.

Thank you, you gave my heart a smile!

Love and hugs,
laurie6781 is offline  
Old 03-02-2013, 04:01 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
That is an awesome share, LMN, and indeed your recovery is shining.

Even though my addicted loved one is my son, I see myself as it was in what you post here. At one time I was dealing with a dying elderly mother, a husband who was running a 24/7 business, a son who was spinning out of control in his addiction, and my own business that required time and energy and lots of hours just to keep things afloat. To people outside, I looked like Superwoman, because I could do it all and keep a clean house as well. I too was the glue that held it all together....or so I thought.

What I discovered is that the glue was in my brain...I simply did not have the power over anyone's life or choices. When I tried to control them, I really gave them ALL the power because if they did what I thought they should do, I was happy...and if they did not, I was sad/mad/frustrated/scared/emotional/neurotic. I had given them the power over my emotions and lost myself in the process somewhere. I had become my mother's daughter, my son's mother, my husband's wife...and the only person who had put me in these roles was ME.

Once I gave up the illusion of power, I was free to get to know "that stranger called me" and this was the first step to my recovery. This is when the healing began.

"We admitted we were powerless over others and our lives had become unmanageable"

My name is Ann and I am a codependent.

Hugs
Ann is offline  
Old 03-02-2013, 04:16 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Vale's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
LMN,
Glad you are sorting things out.It is only natural to try and control the things we
actually CAN control when things are veering the wrong way.
I have learned alot on this journey.It's easy to think (based on the outcome)
that it was all for naught.But no learning is valueless.
I still would like to believe that God heard all of my prayers....even if the answer
was "no".
Vale is offline  
Old 03-02-2013, 04:51 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
 
laurie6781's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Ann and LMN I can so relate!

I was 21 1/2 years old with a new baby and my husband's exwife was dying from
alcoholism and we went into court (she signed her rights away) and I adopted his
four children ranging in age from 6 to 13, so now I had 5 kids a job, a husband away
in the military. Talk about trying to be Superwoman, sheesh

I remember he came home on leave one time and made a comment about there
being fingerprints on the kitchen cabinets (with 5 kids, of course there are finger
prints, lol) I just looked at him, then handed him a cleaning cloth and said "have
at it." Well, you would have thought I had asked him to go out and buy me a
Rolls Royce. OMG Yes this was my 1st hubby the alcoholic. I wasn't quite
'stepped over that line yet' but was close.

I look back now, with all the information I have garnered over the years including
finding out I am Bi Polar, and I am amazed at how I did hold it together for so long,
through the divorce really. Then from age 31 to 36 is when I really hit the booze,
ending up on the streets of Hollyweird. Sheeesh

You think I would have learned my lesson, but damn if I didn't try to do 'it' again
(without the booze). Married to my 2nd husband (the sober alkie that turned into
the gambler). Again house had to be spotless (pretty hard to do when he would
leave his dirty coffee cups and full ashtrays all over the house (they were too heavy
to carry to the kitchen), holding a full time plus over time job, had AA meetings to
go to, and had a sponsee living with us.

Oh, even before I got married to Kenn, in my own apartment my sponsor would call
me in the morning about 7:20am and tell me to go unmake my bed, put my coffee
cup back in the sink, fill it with water and leave it, roflmao I could make the bed and
wash out the cup and bowl when I got home from work.

She did this to get me to 'relax' my perfectionism, lol It was only once I got to Alanon
that I started to learn how NOT to control everything and everyone in my life, lol Even
gave away my Superwoman cape that I had 'stashed' in the back of my closet/mind. It
took some work on my part, but oh it WAS SO WORTH IT.

I finally believed I had actually done it, when my half sister came to live with me for 2
years, it was great. Now she is coming back to stay for good this time!!!!!! We stay
out of each others lives unless invited in. And even sharing a house it was amazing how
quickly we built a routine and the house stayed neat (even with the 4 dogs) but not
'Better Home and Gardens' neat, rofmao Oh and in recovery I was able to figure out
where a lot of this 'superwoman, better homes and garden house came from'. My
mother, sheesh every house we lived in she had to put in White Wool Carpeting, and
I was the one who got the cleaning chores, and woe was me if the job I did wasn't up
to her standards.

So, I just know you can do this (((((LoveMeNow))))), others before you have and you
are doing this changing and working on you and SHARING it with all of us, and
especially the ones that have come after you!!!!!


Love and hugs,
laurie6781 is offline  
Old 03-02-2013, 07:33 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
YearForMe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
Hugs LMN
YearForMe is offline  
Old 03-02-2013, 07:47 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Kindeyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
LMN
I think you did a really good job of describing the lives of many of us. Insanity. Control. Unmanagable. Exhausting. Joyless.

You've come a long way baby!

Glad to hear that you are still enjoying your time away!

gentle hugs
ke
Kindeyes is offline  
Old 03-02-2013, 10:22 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
 
LoveMeNow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I have to smile, my Godchild has a plaque that says "Please excuse the mess, but we are making memories." Her home is not messy but it definitely child centered, filled with love and happiness. My sister raised her 3 girls the same way so she had a great teacher.
LoveMeNow is offline  
Old 03-02-2013, 12:02 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I love this thread.

I'm making a new Step...the Step 1 of Recovering Codies who have seen the light...

Instead of....

"We admitted we were powerless over others and our lives had become unmanageable"

we can now say....

"We are too busy doing wonderful things for ourselves to try to fix others and that our homes had become untidy was the proof."

My name is Ann and my home is untidy and I have 2 loads of laundry collecting dust in the hamper because I'm visiting my friends on SR
and then heading out for dinner because I have no intention of cooking.
Ann is offline  
Old 03-02-2013, 12:49 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
 
laurie6781's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
"We are too busy doing wonderful things for ourselves to try to fix others and that our homes had become untidy was the proof."
Love it!! Absolutely love it!!!!

Love and hugs,
laurie6781 is offline  
Old 03-02-2013, 01:02 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
LMN, you are very eloquent and this post is ME to a TEE! Thank you so much for sharing this enlightened perspective. I feel very free in realizing that I can put down the rope and take a little break from saving the world
Ilovemysonjj is offline  
Old 03-02-2013, 02:06 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
 
LoveMeNow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Love the new step Ann!! Although I must admit, my husband did call the cleaning lady and I am making my travel plans around what day she comes! Progress not perfection, lol!

Like Ann and Laurie, I took on way too much thinking I was superwoman! At the age of 38, I became a wife (which did change my thinking), a full time mother to my kids who were 8 and 10. They had poor hygiene, had never been to a dentist, poor study or no study skills, especially my daughter who was behind in school. Yes, I became as smart as my 5th grader in a hurry by relearning what I had forgotten. Oh, those words problems still give me a headache, lol.

My terminally ill mother had moved to be near me and that alone was a full time "job" too. I continued to work part time and had 4-5 high maintenance dogs to care for. I did the fish tanks, hermit crabs, hamsters and we even tried a rag doll kitten for a while but one of my employees was too allergic.

I got the kids involved in youth group, sports, music lessons, and counseling. The legal battle was still not over and she (bio mom) continued to play her sick games at the expense of her own children.

I took on all this in the first year! The year we had 3 hurricanes too. My husband was a great partner then and I did have hired help so I thought I could do it all. But the more i took on, the more i micromanaged and became overwhelmed and controlling over time. I just didn't see it.

My son started to really act out around 10 but I was great at making excuses for him. Both my husband and I were in denial. It wasn't until he made a bomb threat at school at 12, a felony, and started to run away, we both knew we had big problems. We had been working with a great child psychologist who helped us a lot to co-parent effectively but my son continued to up the anti, so to speak. We were in over our heads but didn't know what to do....any more then we were already doing.

Then my mother passed away and in hind sight, I became depressed but refused to admit it. I believe it was around this time, my husband started taking pain killers (first legitimately) but liked the feeling of not feeling the stress as a coping mechanism. I actually took a couple here and there too...to unwind. By the grace of God, I didn't like them but he did. The door was open and the devil (addiction) walked in.

But never during this time did I see that I too had problems until I joined SR. I had become my own worst enemy and didn't know it. Like KE says, I didn't have problems....just solutions I didn't like.

This has all been hard and painful but so enlightening too. I could not change what I could not acknowledge. Most of the time, not all but most, I am learning to love to my new journey. I thank you all more then i can express who have helped me see what I couldn't or refused to.

God is good...all of the time!


Oh and my worst night mare came true twice after my kids visited her.....lice! . We had to have the judge court order her to address it. Thankfully, all her visits were suspended, she didn't fight it and the lice problem was over! She then signed over her parental rights and disappeared for a long time!
LoveMeNow is offline  
Old 03-02-2013, 02:46 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Lily1918's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
oh I can relate to headlice!!!! it felt like I had them all the time as a child I have the greatest fear of my kids bringing them home from school. Its most definately one of my OCD traits
Lily1918 is offline  
Old 03-03-2013, 04:05 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
I would like to say that I ALWAYS enjoy your posts. You are very inquisitive and intelligent. It is really inspiring to see you go through your recovery. You are amazing.

I read this post and have thought about it all day.

I love my xah , and I kinda think he will always have my heart. I really thought we were soul mates. And yes, at one time I believed in that. I think about him daily. Not in a crying pathetic way, but in an analyzing, healing ok this is what happened and what does this mean kind of way. We haven't heard from him since Nov. 5. He hasn't seen his son but 5 times in 1 year. He moved, and didn't tell me. I am dealing with an addict. I have accepted that and see that now.

So, why this post attracted me. What was I going through at the time before he abandoned us? I was a stay at home mother. He lost a really good paying job due to drug use, and I suggested I go back to work and he stayed home, but he refused. I was smart enough at the time not to trust him, and continued to stay at home. We were financially stressed, but I didn't trust him. He opened up a new "business", but had no clue how to run it. I hate to say this, but he was idiot. I was left to do the bills and he just gave me the money. When I told him to write a business plan, he laughed at me. He was clueless. I see that loud and clear now. He wanted me to go back to work, and I honestly tried to sub. Everytime I got a sub job he told me to cancel. Then, he would complain because I didn't work. I started not to trust him. I had to beg him to be home on Thanksgiving. The night before he had to go out and party, and didn't come home until 7 am. I found him drunk and passed out to porn with his hand down his pants at the computer. Happy Thanksgivng! He couldn't understand why I was mad. That was the first night I caught him in a lie, and lost all trust. I didn't know what to do. He was my husband and we were married. I was a stay at home mother. We were just going through something. He was just stressed. It soon turned into he was never home. The house was never clean enough. The house was never organized enough...which by the way...we moved out in 2 days. I would say our 1500 sq ft home was organzied. The laundry was never done. There was nothing in the fridge. I actually stopped buying groceries for him bc he was never at home and hated healthy food. What was the point? The bedroom was never clean. I never worked, and I never gave him sex. Well, everytime he and I were suppose to have a "date" night he would cancel an hour before. I finally gave up. I finally stopped fighting him on everything and everything (except staying home with my son). He won. I tried to get him to stop his "business",but to no avail. I remember thinking that there was a strong pull to this busines unlike anything I had ever seen. He never brought home nearly enough money for the amount of hours he worked...but I was greedy. Now, I see it was the drugs. He would be gone for 4 days and have no money for me, and blame me for being greedy. All I wanted was to pay the bills and enjoy being a family. Pretty simple. I didn't care about anything else. I shared his deoderant to save money. I never bought anything for myself. Then, he started getting really funny about money. He would be pissed if I spent it on anything. I felt it. It was weird. I still didn't have a clue. I was in DENIAL. I didn't trust him, he was never home and I felt so lonely. I wondered if it was all my fault for staying at home with my son. But, I thought it was just a phaze. And then BOOM. His girlfriend of 6 months clarified everything to me by leaving multiple voicemails on my phone. He left me on mother's day weekend. That same weekend I was entertaining HIS mother while he was ******* some ***** down in NYC. He just left. For no good reason. Just stopped taking phone calls and texts. Devistaing. 3 months later we were divorced. And I begged him back. CRAZY!

I was lonely with him. Unhappy! He wasn't giving me anything I needed. I needed a responsible, educated, family man. He was always critical, always tired, running to his "business" and basically a horrible husband and father. But, I was demonized. That is what upsets me. I don't even talk to his family anymore bceause they are unwilling to accept he has a drug problem, and just blame me. How could I divorce him? I could I say only supervised visits? Meanwhile, he defaulted on the divorce!!!!! He left town to coke it up!!!! After a year of dealing with his inconsistency and just total disrespect...his mother had enough nerve to say "well, I don't think he is on drugs". REALLY? He abandoned his family emotionally and financially. She actually heard my son cry "I miss my daddy". If it wasn't for MY family I wouldn't be where I am now. But, I am ther bad person. Angry? Still a little. Getting through it.

He has been gone since Nov. 5. We have seen him maybe 5 times in a year. Never called on birthdays or holidays. As much as I think about him, I am SOOOOOO much happier without him. I watched a video the other night when my son was 2, and I saw his anger for the first time. It is weird seeing it, when not in it. He was just a dick. For no reason. I think he ultimately is mad at himself and is taking it out on me? Who knows and really who cares. Because I don't have to deal with his failure after failure anymore. I don't have to deal with his immaturity anymore. AAAAAhhhhh...it really is a sigh of relief. This really is the best thing.

At one point he will call me a ****, and in another breath he will tell me that I am a fantastic mother, wife and person. He makes no sense. I see that now. When I was in it...it was PURE DENIAL!

When you are in the middle of it, it is completely different than when you take a step back, I am happier now than I have been in years. I have more self esttem than I had the entire time I was with him. I feel really good about life and am super happy. Still working on some anger and trust issues. But, I am happy. I like being bymyself. I like raising my son alone. I don't need him. I got this! And, so do you.
story74 is offline  
Old 03-03-2013, 04:58 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
 
LoveMeNow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Thank you Story for your kind words. Thank you too for sharing your ESH as well. I remember when I first joined SR, I read all your posts and cried my eyes out. Your posts hit home for me. Today, I look forward to reading the inspiration in them. You have come a long way....it wasn't easy but you have found yourself again and are happier then ever. It has been so wonderful to follow your journey and growth. I know it gives so many of us hope and strength. Thank you again. (((Hugs))))
LoveMeNow is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:16 AM.