sadstate

Arrrhrr!! I do so much for my AH. He goes to AA ( I think ) but continues to drink behind my back. Tomorrow morning I really dont want to cook his breakfast, I dont want to iron his shirts, I dont want to run errands for him. Alanon says detach. Ok , I no longer take care of him or make excuses when he drinks. I am trying to keep my mouth shut and take care of 'my ' business. But what do you all do?? I dont feel like being nice........

Pelican

I'm confused about why you cook him His breakfast, iron His shirts, and run His errands?

I don't understand why he can't go through the drive through at McDonald's in the morning and get His McCafe and McMuffin on His way to dropping His shirts at the dry cleaners and then proceeding with the rest of His errands.

Is your frustration because you do all this things for him and you expected a different response from him? If so, stop doing the things that are making you resentful, because he is the only one in control of his outcomes.

CeciliaV

I stopped doing many "nice things" for my husband quite a few months ago. He has figured out how to iron his own shirts. I stopped caring about whether his poorly ironed shirts "reflected poorly" on me. He even started doing most of his own laundry because I insisted upon doing my own (since he kept messing it up when he was not following washing/drying instructions on labels). One thing I learned is that he can do things for himself just fine. They may not be done the way *I* would do them or want them done, but they're things for him, not me. I'm learning not to care so much. I'm learning to let go. I'm not his mommy nor his personal assistant. This is not the 1950's and I'm certainly not June Cleaver. It's not my job to take care of him and do everything for him.

laurie6781

Nope I sure didn't. I stopped waiting on him. I am not a big breakfast eater, so he
had to learn to make his own breakfast, and lunch to take to work so he didn't have
to buy his lunch (that would have taken money away from his gambling, which he
switched to after being sober for 4 years. I stopped doing his laundry. I did put
all his things into the second bedroom and the 'guest bathroom' and told him that
is where he would be sleeping. I don't if and when he washed his sheets or towels
let alone his clothes, but it was NOT my problem.

I was not his slave, and certainly I was not his mommy. After I got the divorce and
he had to move out, he got a 'friend of ours' to be his sponsor/mommy and that
lasted all of 2 months and Ernie finally saw what I had been putting up with and he
quit also, lol

You are a human being, not a slave. Allow him the dignity of doing for himself or
not, his choice. He is a big boy now, so it is time for him to put on his big boy pants
and get busy, or not.

Please read the 'stickys' (at the top of this forum, with locks on the threads) and read
some of the other threads. You are not alone and we are here for you.

You might also want to check out about 6 different meetings of Alanon to see if that
Association might be of help. Certainly many of us have found great help and comfort
from those face to face meetings.

Please continue to post and let us know how you are doing as we care so very much.

Love and hugs,

sadstate

Why do I do these things? Isnt that what people do who love each other? I do not work, so I have time for all these things. He WAS more of a binge drinker. So 5 yrs ago when we married, it was only about every other month that I was angry at him. But you all know this is progressive..... Now he 'goes' to AA but I'm not sure if he really goes. I do go to alanon every week and I'm learning a lot. I have thought about leaving because I only have 5 years invested. ( I'm 56) But you know the ....security....! I'm looking for a job but they are hard to find. He provides well for me and I love our home and small town where we live. Right now I'm thinking of going to stay with a friend in another state for a while and see if it shocks him into changing. The alanon girls say it wont change him, but I have heard that sometimes a life changing event has spurred them into making a real comitment. Thanks for the encouraging words.....some days are great and some are not.

CeciliaV

In some sense, I agree with you - people who love each other do nice things for each other. I guess "doing nice things" means different things to different people, but in my mind, that doesn't mean taking care of everything for a loved one though. Believe me, I'm such a caretaker. NOT doing everything is foreign to me. I see something that I think needs to be done, I get it done. But I'm also realizing that me doing everything builds resentment (on my side) and enables my husband to just do whatever he wants while I do all the things I am "supposed to" do. Giving up some of those "supposed to" do things allows me time and focus to do things for me, and it lets him learn how to do things for himself. I'm giving myself the gift of freedom from my artificially long "have to" list, and I'm giving him the gift of being a grown up and an individual who can stand on his own two feet.

My husband is very new to the recovery process. He just came home from a month-long stint at rehab last night. We're both learning how to cope moving forward - supporting each other while allowing each other to work our own recovery. For me, learning to not hover over him and let him do things on his own is going to be the hardest lesson. I have to learn what to hold on to and what to let go.

I do somewhat have to agree with the "alanon girls" here. Would you find peace in staying elsewhere? If you want to do it for you, then I say go for it. If you're doing it for him, and if you're doing something different in order to spur a change in him, it may set you up for disappointment. What if you leave for a bit and he doesn't change? Would you just go back home and be okay with the status quo?

Our actions have the most effect when we do them for ourselves - we can't control someone else's actions with our own. Can changing the environment maybe spur a change in someone else in the environment? Yes, but the only change you can truly control is a change within you. It's up to him as to whether he wants to change. We have to give our little birdies a chance to fly and a chance to learn how to pick themselves up when they fall.

akalacha

I agree that people who love each other take care of each other. But when my partner fell into the bottle full time he did nothing for me except make messes I had to clean up. That's when I stopped cooking for him, doing his laundry, mending his clothes, etc. I figured I wouldn't do anything for him that he could do for himself. Unfortunately he didn't do those things for himself. He wore the same clothes for a week or more at a time, ate only yogurt, cheese and crackers, fruit, etc. Things that didn't require cooking. I did draw the line at helping him medically. When he fell down and hit his head on a rock and nicked an artery - I figured he would bleed to death if I left him there so I did take him to the clinic to get stitched up. But everyday things that he could have done for himself I got to the point that I refused to do for him. Hes an adult, not a child and I refused to treat him as a child by doing things for him, especially when he did nothing for me except make my life miserable.

MsPINKAcres

What I learned in my journey in recovery is when I can do something for a loved one without any expectation of a thanks, a returned favor, an acknowledgement or any token of appreciation ~ then I am truly giving freely to them (not enabling behaviors just loving acts of kindness)

IF I am doing anything for them and expecting something in return ~ then I might want to exam my motives for I might be using a form of manipulation to try to accomplish my own self-made plan even I believe it would be for the good of all

This was a hard lesson for me ~ I truly thought I was doing what was "best" for everyone ~ Couldn't they see how wonderful I was????
As I grew in recovery, I had to learn only a person's HP knows what is best.

The suggestion was to do something for a loved one and NOT get found out, not take credit and not accept the praise.

Then I could see if my heart was in the right place.

For me I learned to ask myself before I do a kind act for someone - can I do this without expectation or resentment if it is never acknowledged? if I can't then maybe I better rethink my action - maybe I'm not suppose to do this ~

Just throwing out some e, s, & h on some lessons I am walking thru ~ please take what you like and leave the rest ~

pink hugs

LexieCat

Great post, Pink, and right on. Most of us do have that unconscious "quid pro quo" in our minds--we do something and then we are "owed".

You can think about it sort of the same way you might about lending money to a friend. The conventional wisdom is that you shouldn't loan money you can't afford to lose.

I once sent a friend money for rent because she was about to be evicted. Although she tearfully promised to pay me back, I didn't count on it. Sure enough, it was never paid back. But because I wasn't counting on it, I let it go. The friendship eventually ended as we drifted our separate ways, but I never asked her for the money. And I don't feel angry about it. She has a lot of emotional issues and I knew she was a bad risk when I loaned her the money.

So I agree that if you feel like doing something nice, do it. If not, don't. Just don't count on being appreciated for it.

KittenBoo

I'm sorry, but I am about to say something harsh and I am not sure if I will get in trouble for it, but you said something that stuck into me like a knife right in the middle of my forehead...

You said you had only 5 years invested and didn't want to leave because of 'security'.

Any grown, capable adult without child obligations who stays in a messed up situation for some half-baked reason of 'security' gets what they deserve. I mean it's one thing to have other issues going on, but when you logically know that you walked into a steaming pile of poo and just hang out because you're not invested in supporting yourself as an adult and creating your own security, there is a major problem.

I'm sorry, but this is the truth (as I see it).
Is this really security?
I had no idea worrying about someone going on benders or binge drinking or lying about drinking or having to be their 'slave/mommy/caretaker' was the new 'security' in life?

I learned something new today...

CeciliaV

KittenBoo...I understand the gutteral reaction, but um, yeah, a little harsh! No one deserves a miserable life. I think it's entirely understandable to be afraid to break away & move on. Part of the healing process is learning to move moving past these feelings OR learning to move on despite these feelings.

ColetteTocca

I'm so thankful to SR because it has been an integral part of my recovering both for my alcoholism and my long standing issues with codependency. I have benefitted greatly from those with longstanding sobriety who at one point may have sounded and felt very much like the OP. We don't get better unless we speak our truth and ask for help.. And hopefully we aren't shamed or judged when we reach out. Recovery is not an event as so much as it is a process, some of us new on our journey, some of us not so new.
I know that in my personal experience when I read a post that brings out my own anger or judgement I need to take a closer look at not the other person, but myself and where I am in my recovery. Just my 2 cents.

Sungrl

KittenBoo, I do agree with you. It may take awhile, but my XAB and I had no children together and I most certainly did not need him for financial reasons. I know exactly what you are saying. Before I went NC for what will be forever, my codependency kept me in the situation. The more I learned here at SR and after doing my own research on addiction. I realized that everytime I let him suck me back in I had nobody to blame but myself. Every lie he told every promise he broke. I was setting myself up for heartache because I am a grown women who made the decision to see him and put myself in his path. It took some time to figure that out, but I did.

FireSprite

I do 'these things' out of love & respect, not obligation, regardless of the amount of time I have to do them or how well I get them done.

choublak

I've never done much of these things for my boyfriend, whether he was drinking or not. But I remember back when he was drinking and working, he would tell his coworkers how I didn't work and never did anything around the house.

Cyranoak

It sounds to me like you take care of his business too. Not uncommon for those of us that love alcoholics. I USED to do this too until I realized that by doing so I was contributing to the disease. Now I don't do anything for her she's capable of doing for herself. Whether she's drunk or sober makes no difference, even if she can't do it because she's drunk-- it'll just have to wait until she's sober. I don't do her work anymore.

Take care,

Cyranoak