searching4mysel

He currently has one night a week and every other weekend overnight as well as one weekday dinner. We came to this agreement after much thought and negotiation. It's been one week since he moved out and he is now demanding another overnight. He claims that he will not drink when the kids are there, which obviously I cannot trust. Our separation agreement has not been filed with the court so I guess he can just take me to court for the additional day. I was as OK as I could be with custody the way it was but he is already demanding more time. We also had a blow up on Wednesday when he told the oldest child it wasn't fair that he didn't have more time with them and that she should "ask Mommy to let him have more time with them." I've been pretty calm and motivated through all of this but it's been downhill since Wednesday. I know my last post you guys suggested an alcohol evaluation but I'm scared. What if they don't believe me? What if he makes me look like the bad guy? He's SO good at that. People, even my own family, thought I was "so lucky" to have this nice easy going man. He saved the bad stuff for behind closed doors. I'm just scared and overhwelmed.

searching4mysel

And I just want to add that I don't miss him at all, not one little bit. I miss my kids, I'm scared for my kids, but this separation is so RIGHT for me.

AnvilheadII

it's been ONE week?

LexieCat

If the judge doesn't believe you (and you have no reason to think that he or she won't), then you are no worse off than you are now. If you have any witnesses or other evidence of his drinking, then you can present it. You need to outline a clear statement of what has occurred and why you believe an evaluation is important. You need to practice explaining it so you can say it in a calm and reasonable fashion. You want to stress that you are not trying to keep him from seeing the kids, but that they are very young and you are concerned that his drinking may jeopardize their safety and security. You want to avoid, at all costs, coming off as angry or resentful. You can explain that you have been getting support for dealing with the effects of his drinking, that you have learned a lot about alcoholism, that you realize he wants to be a good father, but that because of his problem, you are simply concerned that he may not be up to the task of caring for them properly.

Keep it simple, but if you have specific incidents in mind that illustrate WHY you think he is not trustworthy in this area, tell the judge, in as much detail as you can. If your husband gets angry or puts you down in court (e.g., calls you crazy or paranoid), you simply remain calm, do not respond to him, but when it is your turn again, talk to the judge, not to him.

There, I just gave you a witness-prep 101 course. You can do it. If the judge decides against you, then you will have to figure out your next move. If you can afford a lawyer to file the motion and to argue it, that would be your best course. The lawyer can give you better advice than any of us can from here.

searching4mysel

Yes, it's been one week. The reason I am scared is because what if he ends up with even more than the extra day- what he really wants is 50/50 but he says he will "settle" for an extra overnight. I know he is manipulating me but no one is aware of his drinking but me, the kids, and our family counselor. And I've shielded the kids from it as much as possible.

I spoke to the counselor about it and calmly told him that we had come to this agreement after much thought and negotiation and that changing it now without giving it a chance was a bad idea. Let's give it a month and then talk. He argued and attacked until I stopped responding.

laurie6781

I would also suggest that you contact your nearest Domestic Violence center for some
help, they also have counseling, can help with legal, and other things. I say the Domestic
Violence center because verbal and emotional abuse is also considered ABUSE and some
times it can be worse than physical abuse.

They can help, please tell them your story and see what they can offer you.

As Lexie said, recite to the Judge as many instances as you can to show why your are so
concerned for your children being alone with him over night. You never know, the judge
in the best interest of the children may even order 'supervised' visitation until such time
as your AH an find recovery.

Also, please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

Hopeworks

How did he purchase alcohol? Credit/debit? Where did he drink? BArtenders have knowledge. Liquor stores have knowledge. Even your sanitation worker heard the clunking bottles and cans.

Get sworn affidavits and "shampoo" him with them at a hearing

LexieCat

Affidavits are not admissible in court. They might be enough to get a hearing on a motion, but the judge can't decide the case based on affidavits.

dandylion

Dear searching, for what it is worth, active alcoholics (and many non-alcoholics) often sing one tune at time of seperation---different from what actually pans out later, down the road of reality. My children's father, included.

As the responsibilities of single parenthood actually set in---and interfere with drinking time---the time spent with the children tends to drop off. I think the battles are often to punish the other partner. ***I'm not saying that every one is like this, but this is the most common pattern that I have seen.

sincerely, dandylion

Recovering2

You're making yourself crazy with the "what if's". Try to stay focused on what you have control over. You have an agreement right now about time with the children, so nothing changes unless he takes you to court. IF that happens, then you deal with it then. If he's mad about the agreement right now...oh well. You can't control what he tells the kids, but you can make sure that Mom is always calm and supportive in their presence.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Be gentle with yourself and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

searching4mysel

You are so right. I'm reverting right back to my old patterns and trying to control 8 steps ahead of where I'm at. We have an agreement. He could take me to court. He could refuse to return the kids to me and then I will have to deal with that because the police won't enforce an agreement in my state. But trying to stay 8 steps ahead of that doesn't do any good.

searching4mysel

This is also a good point. This is the first week and the reality of him living in an apartment by himself has set in. He blames me for the separation and doesn't acknowledge his choice to drink as a factor- he blames my perception of the drinking. So he could very well be trying to punish me.

Recovering2

Be good to yourself, you deserve it. Find support in AlAnon, and take it one day at a time. Things will work themselves out.