Back in uk
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 95
Back in uk
So i am back in town and its... Awefull! I still feel depressed and now lonely as well. I walked out the airport and I started to cry. Just wanted to turn back and take a flight anywhere else. I called some friends that I'm back and they took me out for dinner, same today. Its actually pretty funny as they really trying, so one of them trying to take me go out to a club (tho i hate clubs.) and other looking for a job for me in her town and make me to move there... over the weekend!!! I just got a text that her bf agree for me living with them
i havent say even yes or no for that proposition yet!
I'm trying to keep myself busy to not think about reality. I've decided to quite my job as well, they haven't paid me some money that they should (never too many problem, aye?).
Lots of people that knows both of us, but don't really knows situation, are trying to encourage me to... Call or text him as we "were such an awesome couple". I know we were. My parents told me to help him as well as he was so great. Not helpfull... So far I've been NC for another week after last week fail.
And from positives: I've never read so many books in my life!
i havent say even yes or no for that proposition yet!I'm trying to keep myself busy to not think about reality. I've decided to quite my job as well, they haven't paid me some money that they should (never too many problem, aye?).
Lots of people that knows both of us, but don't really knows situation, are trying to encourage me to... Call or text him as we "were such an awesome couple". I know we were. My parents told me to help him as well as he was so great. Not helpfull... So far I've been NC for another week after last week fail.
And from positives: I've never read so many books in my life!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
It's lovely you are safe, stucna, safe with friends who--apparently--are not in active addiction.
Anyone who encourages you to continue a relationship with someone in active addiction is in denial or in ignorance about what happens to people who live with addicts. So those people who are encouraging you to "text him" or "help him" do not understand they are essentially suggesting you seek out an abuser for a relationship. Because men who are active drug addicts abuse their partners, stucna.
When we feel lost, as you are feeling now, we are very vulnerable to being manipulated and dominated by someone. Please be cautious about that. You are highly suggestible right now, because you are feeling lost. And you could lose your way.
So stick with old friends whom you know to be rock solid, don't wander back to the addict who hurt you, and whoever new comes into your life while you're back there in the uk, let any new person earn your trust over time. Do not instantly trust. You are too vulnerable right now, and it is not a good time for being objective about people.
For now, get some rest, find places which are peaceful and allow you to reflect about all that has happened. And when you find yourself wishing a drug addict would call you up, well, read SR for a month and then see how you feel about that!
Anyone who encourages you to continue a relationship with someone in active addiction is in denial or in ignorance about what happens to people who live with addicts. So those people who are encouraging you to "text him" or "help him" do not understand they are essentially suggesting you seek out an abuser for a relationship. Because men who are active drug addicts abuse their partners, stucna.
When we feel lost, as you are feeling now, we are very vulnerable to being manipulated and dominated by someone. Please be cautious about that. You are highly suggestible right now, because you are feeling lost. And you could lose your way.
So stick with old friends whom you know to be rock solid, don't wander back to the addict who hurt you, and whoever new comes into your life while you're back there in the uk, let any new person earn your trust over time. Do not instantly trust. You are too vulnerable right now, and it is not a good time for being objective about people.
For now, get some rest, find places which are peaceful and allow you to reflect about all that has happened. And when you find yourself wishing a drug addict would call you up, well, read SR for a month and then see how you feel about that!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 129
And when you find yourself wishing a drug addict would call you up, well, read SR for a month and then see how you feel about that!
Stucna, I am sorry you are feeling so bad. Hang in there and trust that things will get better. I know that's cliche but...so true! I totally believe it with all my heart. You are doing great. Keep reading, hanging out with the friends, and know that you are not alone.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 95
Thank you guys for your support! You are amazing!
It's hard to lost my way, I don't really think I've got any at the moment. I don't think about tomorrow, only how to survive today.
I lost my love, my best friend, our dreams and our plans. It's really hard not to be sad, when you feel empty.
Lost trust is the worst. It's like a knife in my back. Made me doubt in myself, I feel like an idiot.
Most of my friends never took drugs. People that I know they doing coke are mostly from his side. On the other hand coke is as popular in London as vodka in Eastern Europe.
I'm really boring if its about anything like that. I even never tried a cigaret in my entire life, im obsessed with being healthy. I've got nutritionist taking care of my diet, 5 meals per day, everything scaled with keeping perfect proportions. Once my ex told me he stopped taking me out as he didn't wanted to ruin my diet. Ofcourse I believed it...
Yesterday one of my friends was talking about him and trying to made me call him "before I will drink some wine". She told me she doesn't think things are over and crap like that. Is that giving false hope? Im not calling him, but it's never ending war in my head. After last week when he ignored me I just thinking if I done sth wrong, if he hates me, if i failed as a partner and billion thought like this. It made me feel bad about myself.
I hope things will get better, I'm really exhausted physically and emotional. I can't sleep, I've developed pretty good insomnia (sleeping 3-4h per night, with waking up 5 times ish), I have nightmares, all makes me dead in the morning.
I don't want my life to be like that
It's hard to lost my way, I don't really think I've got any at the moment. I don't think about tomorrow, only how to survive today.
I lost my love, my best friend, our dreams and our plans. It's really hard not to be sad, when you feel empty.
Lost trust is the worst. It's like a knife in my back. Made me doubt in myself, I feel like an idiot.
Most of my friends never took drugs. People that I know they doing coke are mostly from his side. On the other hand coke is as popular in London as vodka in Eastern Europe.
I'm really boring if its about anything like that. I even never tried a cigaret in my entire life, im obsessed with being healthy. I've got nutritionist taking care of my diet, 5 meals per day, everything scaled with keeping perfect proportions. Once my ex told me he stopped taking me out as he didn't wanted to ruin my diet. Ofcourse I believed it...
Yesterday one of my friends was talking about him and trying to made me call him "before I will drink some wine". She told me she doesn't think things are over and crap like that. Is that giving false hope? Im not calling him, but it's never ending war in my head. After last week when he ignored me I just thinking if I done sth wrong, if he hates me, if i failed as a partner and billion thought like this. It made me feel bad about myself.
I hope things will get better, I'm really exhausted physically and emotional. I can't sleep, I've developed pretty good insomnia (sleeping 3-4h per night, with waking up 5 times ish), I have nightmares, all makes me dead in the morning.
I don't want my life to be like that
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Hi Stucna,
I've read alot of your posts but just now went back and read all of the threads you started since you joined.
I am so sorry you are going through this. You sound alot like I felt when I was in a very unhealthy relationship (no drugs, but he had severe anxiety, probably ADHD and was the child of an addict).
I was frantic when we broke up, which we did many times. I could explain what made me finally leave, but what is more interesting is why I stayed as long as I did.
My thinking was all messed up, that's why. I didn't have a clear head or a clear understanding of life or relationships.
We have been given a great gift that many in this world do not have and that gift is freedom. Not every single woman in the world has the options that you and I have. Obviously you are intelligent, you speak multiple languages, have traveled, lived in multiple countries. But yet we get confused about love and happiness.
You are meant to be happy. This is not a happy situation. It's like ramming ourselves into a brick wall and then asking "why does it hurt?" And honestly, I think it is very much like alcoholism or drug addiction. They felt good drinking once, today they don't, but they keep doing it.
One day I quit trying. It was over many small things. He was building a house, wanted my help, said we would live in it together but then one day told me I should really be buying a house. As if he'd never mentioned us living together. As if I should put all this energy into something that he would not share. It made me angry. So I listened. I quit my job for one in another. Moved to a State over 300 miles away. Left my apartment and bought a house. Got a shiny new boyfriend (too soon, but it was good for me.).
I found a letter yesterday from my Mom that came during that time. (I keep all of her letters). From what she wrote, I was in agony. But today it is just something in my past. Now I spend time with people that make me happy! If someone makes me not happy, I get away. I lost patience for any meanness or ********. I even walked out of a dinner once because I realized it just was unpleasant and that is no fun!. Said my goodbyes politely, got up and left when someone was bullying me. That was something that I would have just tolerated before.
In some weird way I think those of us that have this great freedom owe it to those women that do not to just live and be as happy as possible. There are women in this world that aren't allowed to wear what they want, work where they like, drive a car, travel without permission, or say what they think. Recently an Afghani girl was killed by her family for looking at a guy. I don't have those constraints. The only thing that can hold us back is ourselves.
This is my long winded way of asking you, why let this situation take one more day from you? I know you love him, but if any part of him loves you, when he gets himself clean he will experience much guilt and shame for every minute that you focused on this painful situation rather than living your life and experiencing the joy you deserve.
Peace,
Hanna
I've read alot of your posts but just now went back and read all of the threads you started since you joined.
I am so sorry you are going through this. You sound alot like I felt when I was in a very unhealthy relationship (no drugs, but he had severe anxiety, probably ADHD and was the child of an addict).
I was frantic when we broke up, which we did many times. I could explain what made me finally leave, but what is more interesting is why I stayed as long as I did.
My thinking was all messed up, that's why. I didn't have a clear head or a clear understanding of life or relationships.
We have been given a great gift that many in this world do not have and that gift is freedom. Not every single woman in the world has the options that you and I have. Obviously you are intelligent, you speak multiple languages, have traveled, lived in multiple countries. But yet we get confused about love and happiness.
You are meant to be happy. This is not a happy situation. It's like ramming ourselves into a brick wall and then asking "why does it hurt?" And honestly, I think it is very much like alcoholism or drug addiction. They felt good drinking once, today they don't, but they keep doing it.
One day I quit trying. It was over many small things. He was building a house, wanted my help, said we would live in it together but then one day told me I should really be buying a house. As if he'd never mentioned us living together. As if I should put all this energy into something that he would not share. It made me angry. So I listened. I quit my job for one in another. Moved to a State over 300 miles away. Left my apartment and bought a house. Got a shiny new boyfriend (too soon, but it was good for me.).
I found a letter yesterday from my Mom that came during that time. (I keep all of her letters). From what she wrote, I was in agony. But today it is just something in my past. Now I spend time with people that make me happy! If someone makes me not happy, I get away. I lost patience for any meanness or ********. I even walked out of a dinner once because I realized it just was unpleasant and that is no fun!. Said my goodbyes politely, got up and left when someone was bullying me. That was something that I would have just tolerated before.
In some weird way I think those of us that have this great freedom owe it to those women that do not to just live and be as happy as possible. There are women in this world that aren't allowed to wear what they want, work where they like, drive a car, travel without permission, or say what they think. Recently an Afghani girl was killed by her family for looking at a guy. I don't have those constraints. The only thing that can hold us back is ourselves.
This is my long winded way of asking you, why let this situation take one more day from you? I know you love him, but if any part of him loves you, when he gets himself clean he will experience much guilt and shame for every minute that you focused on this painful situation rather than living your life and experiencing the joy you deserve.
Peace,
Hanna
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 95
thank you Hannah, that is such an amazing post. you make me feel way better and made me feel stronger!
yes, that is true: we can do whatever we want. Ive got so many plans and dreams, i want to do all of them. my xabf said that he worry that i will move abroad. well i will cos theres so many countries and cultures i want to experience!
I know the situation is pretty ironic. yesterday i just kept crying all day lond and i called for my friend, she invited me for tea. then i was just telling her how bad i feel and at some point i just listened to what i said and i thought that i dont even know why i miss him! he treated me really bad in past couple months. ignoring me, calling me names, lying on daily basic. he break my trust! i dont know why but i do feel like i havent done enought to save the relationship tho i know i did! theres so many opposit thoughts at same time in my head its unbelievable. but lately i just started to think theres really nothing i should miss...
yes, that is true: we can do whatever we want. Ive got so many plans and dreams, i want to do all of them. my xabf said that he worry that i will move abroad. well i will cos theres so many countries and cultures i want to experience!
I know the situation is pretty ironic. yesterday i just kept crying all day lond and i called for my friend, she invited me for tea. then i was just telling her how bad i feel and at some point i just listened to what i said and i thought that i dont even know why i miss him! he treated me really bad in past couple months. ignoring me, calling me names, lying on daily basic. he break my trust! i dont know why but i do feel like i havent done enought to save the relationship tho i know i did! theres so many opposit thoughts at same time in my head its unbelievable. but lately i just started to think theres really nothing i should miss...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Originally Posted by stucna 
he break my trust! i dont know why but i do feel like i havent done enought to save the relationship tho i know i did! theres so many opposit thoughts at same time in my head its unbelievable.
Do you know what? One YEAR after I left him he called me to say happy birthday. Then he said "You just left. You didn't even try to make it work. You got a new job, bought a house, moved 3 states away and just gave up without even trying."
I was floored. This was the guy that broke up with me at least 10 times in 6 months. I'd never done that to him, not once, until I left for real. And we were miserable!! Miserable, I tell you. But he tried to convince me that I threw away a great relationship. It was really insane. I can't begin to tell you how hard I had tried to make it work.
It was weird once I decided to leave. I loved this man with all my heart, but once I left, I never looked back. Only can think of one time that I even missed him at all. That still shocks me today. I'm a very emotional and loving person. Sentimental, too. But I guess I did my grieving and moved on.
You will be okay, I promise! You are going through the normal process of grieving and already seeing getting glimpses of the amazing things out there for you.
Peace,
Hanna
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 95
I put my guts out to make everything works, forgive more than I should, accept more than ever. You won't believe how many times I gave "second chance". And At the end ive heard the same. That i havent try enough for him... It break my heart when he said that! It really crashed me!
Doesn't that give you the feeling that he is not sober yet?
Doesn't that give you the feeling that he is not sober yet?
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