Change4Better

I just keep drinking. Hung over today, badly, but if I wasn't I'm not sure that I'd be sober right now. I just drink until my body can't take it anymore, recover, feel better, then drink again. I don't know why. I can't seem to *want* to stop. I mean...it's like two ppl inside of me. One wants desperately never to feel like this again, and the other is just biding time til the next cycle. That side of me is at its strongest when I feel good again. I feel like such a waste.

Sasha4

Don't talk like that.

You are not a lost cause. If you were you would not be here posting.

Maybe its a bit like being on the starting block, your ready to go, waiting for the gun to fire, but you never actually get to start.

Whats holding you back?
Is it fear?
Confidence?
Are you scared of something?

I understand I had many false starts. Its not perfection, it starts with progress
But don't give up. Its only over when you give up. And by coming here, I don't think you have given up.

Bigndfan175

C4B - totally get it - I knew I was a drunk, no question, ask me I'll admit it, the issue was acceptance that I can't drink like a normal person. It took me 12 years, yes 12 years, to FINALLY get a grasp on my sobriety. I rationalized the heck out of my drinking but when I was finally confronted and understood that I was not only killing myself but hurting those who loved me I had no choice but to give up my selfish ways.

KEEP HOPE ALIVE!

I am going to steal Dee's thunder - what's the plan to stay sober? Like most things in life that you or anyone else wants to be successful in - you have to have a plan/strategy.

Message me if you need more support and I'll tell you all about my experiences feeling the way you feel now.

Change4Better

I think it's selective memory. And fear. Before I go off the binge deep end, drinking feels good and makes things more fun. In that sweet spot, which doesn't last long enough because I keep drinking to feel better/more buzzed when it doesn't work like that, I have a blast. Thinking I won't be able to be that content, happy, relaxed, open to the world again if I stop forever? That is terrifying, and I can feel the drinking side of me stomping feet and tantrum-ing about not getting to feel like that again. Remind that side of days like today, and it's like they never existed! Hangovers? What's that? Gimme gimme!

The scariest part is where my mind goes. I think, hmm...no more alcohol. What else could I imbibe to feel good then? Why can't I just be normal-feeling and not so f$cking hedonistic???

Change4Better

Hubby is back on the wagon and invited me to go to another AA meeting. I used to think collecting those chips was all AA was about. Silly, huh? But I still don't understand the 'working the steps' part.

YoungAndClean

It's because of that cycle that I decided to just stop drinking entirely. Sometimes I really miss it but I know that I drank for all the wrong reasons and my quality of life will be so much better without it. But sometimes it feel too overwhelming at 27 so I just take it a day at a time and try not to drink. But I doubt I will never drink again. I just enjoy it too much.

doggonecarl

Perhaps you need to detox in a safe and alcohol-free environment and at least get a couple of sober days under your belt. Seems your access to alcohol over rides whatever committment you make about not drinking.

Is that a possibility?

lizw

My sponsor told me, that they only thin that makes u a lost cause is when u stop trying

Change4Better

It's definitely everywhere I go. Heck, it's even at work! I think I last about 4 days at a time before I capitulate. I need to change my day-to-day routine. I can't go to a doctor for this, but I am due for a complete physical. My urge to drink subsides when I work out, but I am worried all this binge drinking has my heart going crazy. I get 'holiday heart' all the time, now. So next week I am going to get a full workup, and cross my fingers it isn't too late for me.

Sasha4

Just try and remember that holiday heart and all the other bad stuff drinking brings rather than the feelings you described earlier - the feeling of being happy and relaxed.

You know deep down that that it is one of the biggest cons about alcohol. You might feel happy and relaxed for a couple of hours but then you have to put up with hours and hours of the bad stuff.

I prefer my life now.
Everything is a straight line.
No massive highs and absolutely no huge lows that make me think I am loosing my mind.
I can't cope with those lows. They were killing me.

I really hope things get better for you. No-one deserves to feel like that. You deserve to feel so much better.

Dee74

c4b

I kept drinking for a long time because my life was set up for drinking.

The keys for me were making some changes - some of them big ones - and finding more sober support.

If I can do it, anyone can...noone's ever a lost cause...it's all about looking hard enough and expending enough effort to find your way out

D

kizzie

C4b, have you had a look at the AVRT discussion in the secular connections sub forum? Your above description of your struggle gives me the feeling you might find it useful.

2granddaughters

AA saved my life.

I wish you the best.

Bob R

Ananda

Change4Better,

I really do get how hopeless it can seem at times. But that thinking that I'm a worthless cause never helped me overcome/deal with my alchoholism. It actually fed it...even though it wasn't like I was wanting to feel that way.

A woman who means a lot to me once said (and she heard it from someone else) ... "A winner is a looser who never stops trying" and I absolutely believe that...

Today I stay away from those who feel the need to tell me I'm a looser and never gonna make it (even if they word it a bit nicer). I do make sure I'm in contact with people who believe that I can suceed in not drinking. It isn't that they like...mindlessly accept everything I do and say no problem you can do it...but they have a core belief in me.

One big change you can make is in who you listen to and who you hang out with....especially if you are in that part where everything hits you hard in the heart. I've messed up in staying sober a number of times....I get back up and get going again as quickly as I can.

Someone told me stop thinking about the reasons you drink and start thinking about the reasons you stay sober...I try to find one thing each day that I can say "this is a good thing" "maybe it's gonna be ok to be sober".

Just some random thoughts

Hang in there (hugs)

hypochondriac

What have you done so far to try and stay stopped Change4better? Before I came to SR I thought it just happened somehow, like one day it would click and I wouldn't want to drink anymore. I actually stopped wanting to drink years before I stopped and it didn't make any difference. But I didn't really realise that you had to do stuff. Maybe write a list of all the recovery programs you could look into, books you could read, routine changes you could make, alternatives to drinking, counselling, new hobbies... just keep working through the list til you find something that helps. I found that the stopping drinking part, although really difficult, was nothing compared to the work that has to go into staying sober. Keep trying and you'll get there x

Anna

I'm glad you're here and posting.

I really understand your fear of wondering how you will ever feel good again. But, I found that when I accepted that alcohol was no longer an option, my mind began to work to develop new and healthy ways to live. You can do this.