Riel

Today my business partner told me that he was concerned about me. He didn't say anything about my drinking - but he did mention other people who drank, hint hint - and he said that he thought I was going downhill fast.

Here's the thing: I only drink at work. I never drink on weekends or holidays. The only reason I drink now (and I get that I'm an alcoholic - I can't stop drinking once I start) is to get some fake courage up to face work.

I told him that I appreciated his candour - and I really do - and that I was sure I could turn things around.

He suggested I take a long holiday. That seems reasonable. But I'd like to redeem myself a bit before I do that. Anyone have any thoughts?

LadyinBC

Sometimes the only way to redeem ourselves is by showing people that we are serious about our problem and actually trying to fix it. If work is a trigger for you, maybe it is a good idea to take some time off? Things can't stay the same if you want to change.

ABIDEBYLAW

Here's the thing: I only drink at work.

That is unbelievable to me since if any worker at my job even came in smelling of liquor they would be fired on the spot.

He suggested I take a long holiday. That seems reasonable.

Extremely reasonable and probably a good idea to get yourself back on track Return with a new sober attitude and never drink at work again.Sounds like a good plan to me. Good luck!

Dee74

what have you tried to help you in the past Riel?

D

Riel

I used RR/AVRT and was sober for 4 years. But then I had a slip, and then another...

My only trigger now is work. I don't have any craving for alcohol - I only need it to perform. Sure, once I have a drink, it's hard to stop, and I want to have one when I have a hangover to get my head on, but if I have three days off, or four or five, I won't have any desire to drink during that time.

But even if I quit my job, I'm not sure I'd be OK. Anything comes up that's hard for me, and I'll be looking to drink again.

Dee74

The trouble with using alcohol to perform - and I've done this - is you find you need more and more, more and more often - it's pretty easy to lose control of things by that stage.

I lost not one but two careers that way....the workaholic morphed pretty seamlessly into the hopeless alcoholic - and everyone knew.

I was a mess.

Whatever you can do to stop that, Riel - do it.

Is Rehab an option?

D

hypochondriac

If you read RR again you'll see that your sobriety isn't dependent on having a stress free life. What is it about your work that makes you want to drink? No one should have to need to drink to function. Have you looked into coping strategies to help you deal with stress better, maybe some counselling or CBT? Maybe instead of taking an extended holiday you could ask your partner to limit your responsibilities while you get sober? I can't relate to your post exactly because I only ever drank at home, but there were reasons and associations around that too. It's all the same thing and it isn't something you need to do x

Riel

Thanks for the responses.

When I don't have to face work I have no desire to drink. So, for the last 3 days I've been sober, and have started to feel better.

But, I had to go into work this a.m. and couldn't face it. I just couldn't . So I finally had a drink. Got in after noon, drunk, but made some important calls and arguably did some work. A sad effort but infinitely better than if I hadn't gone in at all.

The funny thing is that when I'm a bit drunk I don't mind my work so much. I actually like talking to people. When I'm sober though, I dread it. I'd rather stick pins in my eyes.

It's like I'm two people: drunk Riel, and sober Riel. Sober Riel, for example, couldn't open this thread - even to look at it - while drunk Riel is happy to respond.

Drunk Riel likes to talk to people and is pretty helpful; sober Riel never wants to talk to anyone. It's funny - when I'm sober, nobody can get me on the phone; when I'm drunk, people can't get me off it.

Staying drunk isn't an option because I can't accomplish much drunk - other than being outgoing - and I have liver and other health problems.

I think the answer must be to not do anything I need to be drunk to do, no matter how important it may seem to me. Much much much much easier said than done.

applecake

Riel, it sounds to me like you might have an underlying anxiety disorder that could probably benefit from treatment. Have you thought about seeing a therapist or working through any cognitive behavior therapies? Conquering your fear of interacting with others could be very freeing for you.

Anna

Riel, it sounds as if therapy might help you to deal with some of those issues.

And, have you considered changing the line of work that you're in? Maybe you could find something that would be more in tune with your personality.

Zebra1275

If going to work triggers you to drink, you are likely to have this problem fixed for you.

Not in a good way however, since you will be unemployed.

Just a thought. You could go on a holiday for 28 days in a treatment center. That might be the best gift you could give yourself.

FreeFall

It sounds to me like a new job is in order. If your job responsibilities require you to do something that makes you completely uncomfortable, so much so that you have to drink to get through the work day, you're in the wrong business (in my opinion). On the other hand, if any job you can imagine will make you have the same reaction, counseling would probably help you a lot.

You're going to have to find a way for the two Riels to come together to create one sober functioning and happy person. Keep posting on SR-that will help in many ways. See if you can take some time off so you can make getting sober a priority.

Riel

Thanks everyone.

I'm drunk now, and have contacted some people that I'd been putting off - they're so happy to hear from me it's like talking to dear old friends. You'd think they'd be mad, but they're not.

I should get down on my knees and thank God that I don't have criminal charges - DUI - or professional malfeasance or lawsuits hanging over my head.

All I have is a never-ending ennui, and a disinclination to get my life back on track.

It's also a very wonderful thing that I don't feel like drinking on the weekends, or when I take a day off. That's a true gift. Somewhere sobriety is waiting for me.

Thanks again.

Riel

AcceptingChange

dam dude, you are falling, falling, falling to rock bottom. In a year or two, you'll be wishing you read these signals differently. You'll be wishing you stopped acting on feelings, feelings like "I don't feel like drinking on weekends". Forget how you feel, because that's how insects and monkeys make decisions. You need to set a goal, and struggle through it. You need to accept and deal and fight pain, and act in a way that is acceptable to the others in your life who are cutting you some slack. Because you're using up your allocation of slack , and their charity has limits.
You're in a vaporous cloud of alcohol, the drug that makes everything ok, until it stops working, and you wake up with nothing, saying 'wtf did i do?' It's happened to millions before you, and it sucks when the vapors fade into pain.

Riel

and Applecake - yes I probably have an anxiety disorder. I pretty sure I have PTSD. And who knows what else?

When I start to think about medication or talking therapy somehow fixing me - because I've tried all that - I start to think about blowing my brains out. But I wouldn't, because who would take care of my cat?

Rational Recovery is, I think, perhaps the best answer. Take responsibility and shape up!

Riel

That's the kind of kick in the ass I need! We cross-posted but you were right on the money.

Seriously, thanks.

applecake

Oh, Riel...I know that feeling so well, and I am so sorry that you are feeling that way.

If you are willing to give CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) a whirl but aren't too excited about talk therapy, you might pick up a copy of David D. Burns' book Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. I think it is about $15, which is much less expensive than talk therapy. He has several exercises in the book dealing with various aspects of depression and anxiety, which you can work through at your own pace. I found these exercises to be a nice compliment to Rational Recovery and AVRT. He also has a nice book an anxiety called When Panic Attacks.