Frustration

My sister became an alcoholic while her marriage was in its death throws. Her now ex-husband is/was a drug addict. Anyway, I had detached as much as possible over the years (about 4 or 5 now) because she just wasn’t my sister anymore. I don’t know this woman. However last year she met a really nice man and would always be sober with him and drunk when she was home… anyway, they got pregnant. They moved in together and she stopped drinking (I think…she may have just cut back). But it was like I had my sister back. We talked like we used to, laughed together… Now that the child is born (healthy, and I’m so thankful) and she nursed for a few weeks (7) she has now quit nursing basically to start drinking again with a clean conscience. My family thought she was going to be okay… I didn’t…. I have always felt she needed rehab and AA, and she will not humble herself for it… so I knew the other shoe would drop… but I thought she’d try harder for her baby.

My sisters’ partner has been in contact saying she’s acting strangely and he doesn’t know what to do and he needs my help. It seems he’s not familiar with how alcoholics behave when they relapse. Missing work… passing out… not being able to make any kind of conversation…

I’ve been so happy to have my sister back and even though I knew it couldn’t last, I’m still mourning it. I love my nephew and her new partner is a wonderful man that treats her like gold. Strong, responsible, would do anything for her… and she’s passed out on the sofa leaving him to look after a baby and a drunk. He’s totally out of his depth. I’m feeling myself being sucked back in. Adding an innocent child to the mix changes everything. Part of me feels like it’s not my responsibility and I know that to be true. Also part of me feels like her partner is totally unprepared and that I should have warned him… but who ever was told to walk away from someone that was bad for them and actually did it? Usually it just makes them fight harder for the relationship, so I felt it made sense for him to figure it out on his own. I feel like I need to help him.

Anyway, I live far enough away that I can’t really help in any other way than listening. Which honestly is probably a saving grace for my mental health, but I am so angry. My nephew deserves better. I just want to shake her. She has everything going for her… love and support everywhere she turns and she just constantly works against it. I have no idea what to say to him or how to help him.

Recovering2

You didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. This truth applies to your sister's husband as well. If you want to support him, encourage him to get help for himself. Encourage him to find an AlAnon group and to learn everything he can about this disease. Unless she decides to get help and find serious recovery, this progressive disease will get worse. That's the sad fact. Your BIL is going to have to decide what he needs to do to protect his child. It's good that your BIL is able to talk with you since you have some knowledge of this disease, just be careful to keep your own boundaries in this situation. Hugs....

marie1960

if the boyfriend is really as ignorant as you are saying he is, you probably need to have a discussion with him regarding the safety and wellbeing of his infant. Your sister is not capable of keeping the child safe. And the helpless infant's safety MUST come first.

Suggest he educate himself about addiction, and find an Al-Anon meeting ASAP.

What a horrific example of what this disease truly is, she CANNOT stop drinking to love and nuture her precious baby.

Just do whatever has to be done to make sure the baby continues to thrive, and that includes reporting both of them to the authorities if he doesn't get a responsible person to look after the infant while he is working.

Sending you support. I am sorry you are in this position.

Frustration

He is actually on parental leave and he is already looking for daycare for when he's back to work. Both he and I are on the same page that the baby comes before anything else. I have faith in him, and i don't think he'd leave the baby with her at this point. If he felt there was danger he would put the baby first. My parents live about an hour away from them and came today so that he could get some sleep while they looked after the baby. I'll find out later tonight how that went over with my sister.

I'm going to look up times in his area for al-anon meetings. In the past I've looked for them here, but they seem to be mostly when I'm at work... but i need to try them myself. I can't tell him to go if I won't.

skella99

Al-Anon meetings really are helpful. I have only gone to a few of them and they will help him and you too if you go.

Hanna

Hi Frustration,
Glad you found the SR forums.

You also can't make him go, anyway. You have to focus on you.

Hope you will read around the forum and keep posting.

Peace,
Hanna

Frustration

:-) I'm not trying to make him go. Honest. He's reached out for support. So it's the best thing I can suggest to him since I don't live in the same city... and even if i did, al-anon would still be his best choice.

He understand its serious. They had just gotten together and they had just found out she was pregnant the last time she was hospitalized for pancreatitis. (2nd time) They told her drinking again could lead to dialysis. Her pancreas is already severely scared. She also had a seizure last night. She is epileptic, and drinking dehydrates and messes with her electrolytes. Her health has never been good, but she's still managed to take what she does have and drive it into the ground.

MsPINKAcres

prayers and good thoughts for all in this horrid situation ~ for me it always shows the true insanity of the disease ~

I know my alcoholic/addict daughter truly loves her 3 children but that love of her children definitely didn't not keep her from relapsing many times nor did it keep her from going to jail shortly after her last child was born ~ she spent is his first Christmas in jail, sadly that wasn't her bottom either.

But things are looking better for her today ~ so there is hope for our loved ones!!

pink hugs

marie1960

"I'll find out later tonight how that went over with my sister. "
(frustrated)

With sincere gentleness ^^^^^^ this right here, is how we get sucked in. The awful details, that we really don't need to know, as they upset us and cause us so much pain. And it leaves us feeling sooooooo helpless. And often in a state of shock and disbelief. and nothing productive comes of it.

She's an active alkie doing what active alkies do...... As long as the baby remains the top priority for the family, the day to day actions of the addict do not need to be repeated and shared. The BF is an adult, he is going to have to get proactive and decide what is best for himself and the baby.

I know it has to be taking a toll on the whole family, but I can't help think you are giving her unacceptable behavior too much control. I really feel empathy for you and your situation. ((((hugs))))

Frustration

Marie1960... I hear you. I find it hard when it comes to my mom. I know she will get the worst of it today.