How to handle relapse?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Kelowna BC
Posts: 8
How to handle relapse?
I have been in a relationship for 3.5 years with an addict . He went from pot and coke to pills and eventually heroin and meth . I was not included while he was in rehab - his parents had all the control . He finally called me 5 months later . I was scared to talk to him because I hated him for lying and hurting me but mostly for leaving me for months without a word . I didn't want to b responsible for his relapse and b blamed. His parents blamed me for a lot . Now here I am. I came to visit him last week .we fought and he relapsed . He blames me. He said he only did butter and Percocets. 10 per day for 3 days . So he says . I keep finding empty pens and tin foil Amd his lies continue. He has offered to do a drug test for me and he said he needs me to hold him accountable . But my anger for hurting me again is so strong I don't know what to do? Give this info to his parents who made me out of the picture ? Please help
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Is this relapse yours to handle?
Parents have a hard time with this, the helplessness and blame everyone close for their children using, no matter who it is, do not take it personal. I watched this happen with my son, my one sister, and my mother and my husband wanted to blame the gf … and she was using as well. But you know what no one forced him to use crack and in the end, none of the assignments were correct and would more so keep him trapped in his addiction. They just removed the focus off the fact that he was the one that got himself exactly in the situation he was in.
Addicts and codependents alike can’t survive without deflecting and everyone else being the blame as if they weren‘t there.
In terms of him blaming you, welcome to addiction, again you were there and an easy target. Addicts have this incredible knack of picking a fight and then running out to use. My husband did this, until I started working on me and would call him on it and tell him to find someone or something else to use as a reason why. That an argument didn‘t make a good enough excuse to use, that nothing did. You do not have to engage, and could always opt out at any time.
How to handle a relapse, again is it yours to handle?
What are your boundaries in terms of using? If you set the typical I will not live or be with anyone in active addiction, well there is your answer.
And there is a thing with relapse and recover as well, neither are about using or not using. Everyone, whether the accept it or not has to remove this using not using view.
Relapse can’t even take place without recovery.
Active addiction has nothing at all to do with using, drugs are just a symptom of the disease.
Just because one isn’t using that doesn’t mean they are in recovery. It just means that aren’t taking drugs at this time. Sure not using is a good start, but it is still only a start.
Are you so sure he actually relapsed, he could have been using all along … and for damn sure his thinking didn’t magically get better even if he wasn’t using. He had/has a long road ahead of him to find a healthy state of mind, body and spirit.
Your primary focus should be on you.
Oh and the parents … should you tell them…
Maybe look at it this way, do you need the pain, you already know how they feel about you, where they put you in the mix of it all. Do you need the chaos, to be blamed again. I sure hope not.
Take good care of you and work on you get yourself some support.
Parents have a hard time with this, the helplessness and blame everyone close for their children using, no matter who it is, do not take it personal. I watched this happen with my son, my one sister, and my mother and my husband wanted to blame the gf … and she was using as well. But you know what no one forced him to use crack and in the end, none of the assignments were correct and would more so keep him trapped in his addiction. They just removed the focus off the fact that he was the one that got himself exactly in the situation he was in.
Addicts and codependents alike can’t survive without deflecting and everyone else being the blame as if they weren‘t there.
In terms of him blaming you, welcome to addiction, again you were there and an easy target. Addicts have this incredible knack of picking a fight and then running out to use. My husband did this, until I started working on me and would call him on it and tell him to find someone or something else to use as a reason why. That an argument didn‘t make a good enough excuse to use, that nothing did. You do not have to engage, and could always opt out at any time.
How to handle a relapse, again is it yours to handle?
What are your boundaries in terms of using? If you set the typical I will not live or be with anyone in active addiction, well there is your answer.
And there is a thing with relapse and recover as well, neither are about using or not using. Everyone, whether the accept it or not has to remove this using not using view.
Relapse can’t even take place without recovery.
Active addiction has nothing at all to do with using, drugs are just a symptom of the disease.
Just because one isn’t using that doesn’t mean they are in recovery. It just means that aren’t taking drugs at this time. Sure not using is a good start, but it is still only a start.
Are you so sure he actually relapsed, he could have been using all along … and for damn sure his thinking didn’t magically get better even if he wasn’t using. He had/has a long road ahead of him to find a healthy state of mind, body and spirit.
Your primary focus should be on you.
Oh and the parents … should you tell them…
Maybe look at it this way, do you need the pain, you already know how they feel about you, where they put you in the mix of it all. Do you need the chaos, to be blamed again. I sure hope not.
Take good care of you and work on you get yourself some support.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Being in a relationship with an addict is like living in a boxing ring. Bob and weave. Block. But whatever you do, don't lean in face first.
What should you do about his relapse? Absolutely nothing. It isn't yours to deal with. Should you tell his parents? That's a good example of leaning in face first.......you'll catch a good punch.
The real question here is........what can you control and what is out of your control?
gentle hugs
ke
What should you do about his relapse? Absolutely nothing. It isn't yours to deal with. Should you tell his parents? That's a good example of leaning in face first.......you'll catch a good punch.
The real question here is........what can you control and what is out of your control?
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 59
Originally Posted by Sto86 
I have been in a relationship for 3.5 years with an addict . He went from pot and coke to pills and eventually heroin and meth . I was not included while he was in rehab - his parents had all the control . He finally called me 5 months later . I was scared to talk to him because I hated him for lying and hurting me but mostly for leaving me for months without a word . I didn't want to b responsible for his relapse and b blamed. His parents blamed me for a lot . Now here I am. I came to visit him last week .we fought and he relapsed . He blames me. He said he only did butter and Percocets. 10 per day for 3 days . So he says . I keep finding empty pens and tin foil Amd his lies continue. He has offered to do a drug test for me and he said he needs me to hold him accountable . But my anger for hurting me again is so strong I don't know what to do? Give this info to his parents who made me out of the picture ? Please help
Of course he blames you, and so do his codependent parents. You need to "get the hell out of Dodge." Yesterday. You run the risk of getting sued if you don't.
Their behavior will never make sense to you, because addicts and codepents do not behave rationally, nor do they accept responsibility for their own behavior.
Please take care of yourself, because no one else is going to do that for you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
I lived with your same questions for almost 3 years. And I tried everything to deal with him and that left no room for me whatsoever. I lost me. Well, I almost lost me. And then I stopped asking questions. I realized I was just as sick as he was in the love triangle of addiction. Him, Me, and Addiction. I realized that it only gets worse and it NEVER gets better when you try to take responsibility for someone else's responsibilities. We don't have that kind of power over any one else. Truth is, you will only stop when and if you are ready. And good news is that you do have that power, with a little help and guidance, over yourself. Keep in mind, I did not want to let go of him but after enough stabs in the back, knives to the gut, sucker punches below the belt, etc. I was ready. And now that I have had a lot of time, distance, and space between us- I am realizing I don't want the life I had with him. He never respected me. His version of love is being dictated by a force that will take me down with it if ever go back to him. I don't trust him and I never will. Best to let him face the bed he made. I hope whatever happens that you can see that you are holding on to a rope that is dragging you over a cliff. Keep posting here. Go to meetings. Find a sponsor, counselor, healthy friends. Take care of you cause no one else will do it for you. I am much better off now without him. Blessings your way.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
doesn't sound like much a relationship to me. he's been on a downward spiral of multiple drugs and is an ACTIVE user right now. maybe it's time to raise the bar and set a new boundaries:
I will not be involved with active addicts.
I will not be responsible for another adults actions.
I will not engage with those who intend to do me harm.
just go, fast, and leave him where you found him.
I will not be involved with active addicts.
I will not be responsible for another adults actions.
I will not engage with those who intend to do me harm.
just go, fast, and leave him where you found him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Kelowna BC
Posts: 8
Thank you all very much for responding . I think this is exactly what I needed . I haven't talked to anyone about it . The parent thing . They chose to take control over the situation , how ever they handled it - i was not involved . If I run away then what ? Or is it hurting the family more to know? Your right I have no idea how much he has done all I know is there are many lies i catch him in . He is willing to Do a drug test for me tomorrow and every week so he can stop . His parents paid 25 g for rehab . He doesn't want to hurt them and make them sick . I am so distraught . Does ne one believe a relationship can last after this? The trust? Is there any hope even after he is in long term recovery and I get the help I need. I have never done drugs so being with a heroin pill user is devastating . Especially because I have been so naive and have only trusted the word of an addict . Isn't it a good thing he is wanting to give me drug tests? Do i still run? Is there hope for him being sober and us fixing what's broken ?
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
" He is willing to Do a drug test for me tomorrow and every week so he can stop ."
This isn't going to stop him, nothing will until he decides to get clean and work a strong recovery program...for life. The only drug test that is worth a darn is a hair folical test, they are expensive and take a few days for results. They are as many ways to beat the over the counter tests as there are to find drugs themselves.
Read the stickeys at the top of this forum, read others posts, learn all you can about drug addiction, right now I do not believe that you really understand what you are dealing with.
Let him go, let his parents deal with him, it won't take them long to figure out that he is using.:codiepolice
This isn't going to stop him, nothing will until he decides to get clean and work a strong recovery program...for life. The only drug test that is worth a darn is a hair folical test, they are expensive and take a few days for results. They are as many ways to beat the over the counter tests as there are to find drugs themselves.
Read the stickeys at the top of this forum, read others posts, learn all you can about drug addiction, right now I do not believe that you really understand what you are dealing with.
Let him go, let his parents deal with him, it won't take them long to figure out that he is using.:codiepolice
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 2,284
Crack that is reprocessed to make it even more pure. Or very pure powder with a yellow tint.[/QUOTE]
Wow. Crack is one of the most addictive drugs there is. If there is a way to make it even more pure than that is scary.
Wow. Crack is one of the most addictive drugs there is. If there is a way to make it even more pure than that is scary.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by Sto86
Thank you all very much for responding . I think this is exactly what I needed . I haven't talked to anyone about it . The parent thing . They chose to take control over the situation , how ever they handled it - i was not involved . If I run away then what ? Or is it hurting the family more to know? Your right I have no idea how much he has done all I know is there are many lies i catch him in . He is willing to Do a drug test for me tomorrow and every week so he can stop . His parents paid 25 g for rehab . He doesn't want to hurt them and make them sick . I am so distraught . Does ne one believe a relationship can last after this? The trust? Is there any hope even after he is in long term recovery and I get the help I need. I have never done drugs so being with a heroin pill user is devastating . Especially because I have been so naive and have only trusted the word of an addict . Isn't it a good thing he is wanting to give me drug tests? Do i still run? Is there hope for him being sober and us fixing what's broken ?
you didn't cause this, you can't control it, can't change it. The only way to handle drugs is to not allow them in your life. I learned that the hard way.
of course there is hope... for you. you aren't addicted to drugs, and have a whole world of possibilities for you. I haven't run yet, and Im not telling you to. But... for me if my guy relapses even once I am going to take a break. Not talk to him. for awhile... the drug test doesn't mean anything unfortunately. They can pass them so easily
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Kelowna BC
Posts: 8
Your right I don't know what I'm dealing wigh in the slightest ! For the drug test he has an appointment tomorrow for a blood test one . Isn't that good ? That he wants to do that? I feel like this is all my fault - he was doing fine when he wasn't talking to me. He was on top of his meetings or so he said . I am guessing the best thing for both of us is to walk away from this and move on .
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I feel like this is all my fault - he was doing fine when he wasn't talking to me.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 59
Originally Posted by Sto86
Your right I don't know what I'm dealing wigh in the slightest ! For the drug test he has an appointment tomorrow for a blood test one . Isn't that good ? That he wants to do that? I feel like this is all my fault - he was doing fine when he wasn't talking to me. He was on top of his meetings or so he said . I am guessing the best thing for both of us is to walk away from this and move on .
He needs to grow up, which is a scary proposition for him. Having a codependent, a surrogate mommy, is a way for him to avoid growing up and dealing with this by himself, for himself.
When I was young and clueless, in a state of ignorant bliss, I married a workaholic. Not long after we were married, I knew that was what he was, but I did not realize that all addictions are chemical and powerful. By staying with him, thinking it was my moral obligation, I enabled him to not have to grow up and deal with the consequences. I had over two decades of misery with him, and our children suffered greatly.
IMO, anyone who has a chance to get out of a relationship with an addict needs to do it. He will take you "down the rabbit-hole." Do you really want to live there?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I feel like this is all my fault - he was doing fine when he wasn't talking to me. He was on top of his meetings or so he said . I am guessing the best thing for both of us is to walk away from this and move on .
NOT YOUR FAULT. not one bit. if you were oh so powerful as to MAKE him use then you could also cross your arms, blink your eyes and make him STOP. HE is the one that uses drugs. HE is the one with a drug problem. HE is the one with empty pens and tin foil all over the place.
chances are good he was never CLEAN. while he admitted to "only" doing butter and percs for 3 days....you can add in a few more drugs and multiple it all by a factor of oh about 5 or 10. even when addicts appear to tell the TRUTH about their drug use, they LIE. attributes of addiction are
Rationalization
Justification
Minimize
Defend
Deflect
Deny
yeah for you, i think moving on would be a real good healthy CHOICE. you don't need this. do ya?
NOT YOUR FAULT. not one bit. if you were oh so powerful as to MAKE him use then you could also cross your arms, blink your eyes and make him STOP. HE is the one that uses drugs. HE is the one with a drug problem. HE is the one with empty pens and tin foil all over the place.
chances are good he was never CLEAN. while he admitted to "only" doing butter and percs for 3 days....you can add in a few more drugs and multiple it all by a factor of oh about 5 or 10. even when addicts appear to tell the TRUTH about their drug use, they LIE. attributes of addiction are
Rationalization
Justification
Minimize
Defend
Deflect
Deny
yeah for you, i think moving on would be a real good healthy CHOICE. you don't need this. do ya?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
I would try to take a big step back from this relationship so you could look at it without all the emotional ties that come alone with being with an addict. The best advice anyone ever gave me was "If a friend was going through this and came to you for help what would you say" and that helps me get out of my head and actually see what is going on right in front of me.
As for the drug test, I think that is just another way to make people think he is trying or that he is serious. I am a recovered heroin addict and I used to love when people would only want a drug test in order to trust me. Guess what, If I knew the drug test was on monday then I knew I could use drugs until Sat morning and still be able to pass the drug test and get a pat on the back for passing.
Concentrate on your needs and getting to a point where you can look at your life and be truely happy with it. He is at an expensive rehab and getting nothing out of it. He is in full blown active addiction and that is why he is blaming you and trying to manipulate you with the drug testing and the "oh I need you to keep me in line" blah blah blah. He wants you to feel responsible for keeping him in line this way you start to feel like his recovery is on your shoulders and it will also guarentee that you will stick around.
Have you thought about getting some counseling for yourself to work through all the things that have happened in this relationship and also the reasons why you haven't walked away yet?
As for the parents, I wouldn't tell them anything. Look at it this way, would they come inform you about him? Prob not since when he went to rehab they took control and just blamed you and didn't keep you informed. Besides that reason I wouldn't tell them becuase well, it isn't your job to.
Try to find some peace today and just love yourself. All we can control in this world is how we treat ourselves.
As for the drug test, I think that is just another way to make people think he is trying or that he is serious. I am a recovered heroin addict and I used to love when people would only want a drug test in order to trust me. Guess what, If I knew the drug test was on monday then I knew I could use drugs until Sat morning and still be able to pass the drug test and get a pat on the back for passing.
Concentrate on your needs and getting to a point where you can look at your life and be truely happy with it. He is at an expensive rehab and getting nothing out of it. He is in full blown active addiction and that is why he is blaming you and trying to manipulate you with the drug testing and the "oh I need you to keep me in line" blah blah blah. He wants you to feel responsible for keeping him in line this way you start to feel like his recovery is on your shoulders and it will also guarentee that you will stick around.
Have you thought about getting some counseling for yourself to work through all the things that have happened in this relationship and also the reasons why you haven't walked away yet?
As for the parents, I wouldn't tell them anything. Look at it this way, would they come inform you about him? Prob not since when he went to rehab they took control and just blamed you and didn't keep you informed. Besides that reason I wouldn't tell them becuase well, it isn't your job to.
Try to find some peace today and just love yourself. All we can control in this world is how we treat ourselves.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Kelowna BC
Posts: 8
Why am i so naive. i only want to trust the person i love..... YOU WERE ALL RIGHT.
He kept putting off the drug test, missed 2 appointments. i found more drug bags in his pocket (said it was from ativan) i cried and cried..which i know does not help . i am SO DESTROYEd. i just spent 2 weeks trying to find answers, trying to get him to come clean, catching him in many lies and found drugs. all he knew how to do was sit there yell and blame me for it. My parents came out to see us on friday. We had still not got a drug test and i still "knew" he was using. dinner was ok he looked normal. then we got back to his place he left for an hour to "use the phone" . came back and looked wired. my last night with him was sad. i have been conflicted with taking this on myself or telling his paretns. i think he is slowing going back to how he was and i feel the responsibility to atleast say something. i would have been able to handle this differnt if i could trust him , but even after he came clean about relapsing i still found more and more lies. the morning i was going to leave. my parents had brought a drug test from home that i had bought a year ago. (**** test online) ....he put the test off all weekend saying he didnt have to pee....then in the morning he took a shower...brought a cup in with him ,,,got out of the shower...turned it back on..then magically had an inch of "his ****" in a cup....obviously he got it from somewhere....i didnt even use it for my test. at this point i dont believe a word from him. not to mention i saw he looked up mary janes and has faked a **** test with his parents before. ugh this is killing me , after this week i feel so defeated and not sure wht to do about it. so he still hasnt done a drug test and i came back home. debating whether or not to call his mom (who will probably blame me and not believe what im saying ) and that will lead to a whole other sort of hurt. they already hate me , i was the culprit in all of this.... so they feel.....telling them ... i know exactly what will happen. he will say all the lies in teh world to blame me, which he is so good at turning this around. his parents will tell him not to contact me prob to the point of changing his number. tehy will say talking to me is what brought on his relapse. and then they not only will hate me but my "bf" will hate me forever because he told me not to tell them. then i will be left with this pain again......
He kept putting off the drug test, missed 2 appointments. i found more drug bags in his pocket (said it was from ativan) i cried and cried..which i know does not help . i am SO DESTROYEd. i just spent 2 weeks trying to find answers, trying to get him to come clean, catching him in many lies and found drugs. all he knew how to do was sit there yell and blame me for it. My parents came out to see us on friday. We had still not got a drug test and i still "knew" he was using. dinner was ok he looked normal. then we got back to his place he left for an hour to "use the phone" . came back and looked wired. my last night with him was sad. i have been conflicted with taking this on myself or telling his paretns. i think he is slowing going back to how he was and i feel the responsibility to atleast say something. i would have been able to handle this differnt if i could trust him , but even after he came clean about relapsing i still found more and more lies. the morning i was going to leave. my parents had brought a drug test from home that i had bought a year ago. (**** test online) ....he put the test off all weekend saying he didnt have to pee....then in the morning he took a shower...brought a cup in with him ,,,got out of the shower...turned it back on..then magically had an inch of "his ****" in a cup....obviously he got it from somewhere....i didnt even use it for my test. at this point i dont believe a word from him. not to mention i saw he looked up mary janes and has faked a **** test with his parents before. ugh this is killing me , after this week i feel so defeated and not sure wht to do about it. so he still hasnt done a drug test and i came back home. debating whether or not to call his mom (who will probably blame me and not believe what im saying ) and that will lead to a whole other sort of hurt. they already hate me , i was the culprit in all of this.... so they feel.....telling them ... i know exactly what will happen. he will say all the lies in teh world to blame me, which he is so good at turning this around. his parents will tell him not to contact me prob to the point of changing his number. tehy will say talking to me is what brought on his relapse. and then they not only will hate me but my "bf" will hate me forever because he told me not to tell them. then i will be left with this pain again......
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
