JungleGirl

I've been separated from my ex boyfriend for a month tomorrow, the pain has gradually lessened but I still cry every day, sometimes I feel like I can't breathe and have this gut wrenching crushing pain. I just want to stop feeling sad for one day! I know he wants to get back together with me but he knows he can't stop drinking, knows he doesn't want to even if he could stop drinking. I know it's the right thing to do but its so so hard and sad. How long does this usually go on for, I just want to feel normal again

iamthird

I think you are strong for walking away. Keep being strong and using your support system! This site, Alanon, friends, etc....

Im separated from husband for 8 months and its not much easier today than day 1 but its better than being in the active chaos...

Be proud of yourself. Know your worth!

pianogirl1193

I am at 3 weeks of being broken up with my ABF and so I totally understand where you are coming from!!! It is a horrible feeling. In our heads, we know we are doing the right thing, but our hearts feel so different. Are you still talking to him at all? If so I would avoid that. I've been in very minimal contact with my ex, and the longer I don't talk to him the better i fel. Today I decided I need to go total NC. It will be a challenge, but hopefully good.
Keep posting here. Try some al-anon meetings. Also, maybe get some books to read on the subject if you haven't? I heard Women Who Love Too Much was good so I just bought that today. Seems really helpful already. Or just get into any book! Exercise. Go out with a friend. Do a puzzle. Watch a show you like on netflix. Anything (healthy) to distract yourself!!!!
I'm proud of you.

lizw

6 weeks and it starts to break. Heart ache not so bad, cravings etc.. But then comes back in waves. In hindsight it was my experience too

JungleGirl

pianogirl it is such a horrible feeling I agree, I had been in regular contact with him still up until last week, we have a dog together and I desperately miss him so I was still seeing him a little bit but I realised that is not helping anyone. We have not had any contact what-so-ever in a few days and I already feel better. We still share a lease and my name is on all the bills so we have to speak about that kind of thing eventually but for now I am putting all that stuff on hold until I feel stronger.

The funny thing is I found that book "Women who love too much" yesterday, I had brought it after my previous relationship broke down (not having much luck I never read it so I will give it a shot. I also have "it's called a breakup because it's broken" in the mail!

LizW - thank you, I hope it's only another two weeks of the crippling stuff, the waves I can deal with.

pianogirl1193

That would be hard when you have shared things such as property or animals...Kind of sucky! But yeah I guess for now like you said it would be good to keep your distance. I'm glad you haven't talked to him in a few days...that's a really good accomplishment! More than I can say! I have a feeling the longer you go, the easier it will get. The members here were right when they told me that being in communication just makes the healing process so much harder/longer...I definitely get that now.
I would definitely give the book a shot! I haven't read much yet but have heard great things about it.

JungleGirl

Yes it's sucky indeed but I'm just glad it's a dog and a rental instead of children and a mortgage!
I only stopped a couple of days ago, at 3 weeks I was still talking to him - and as I'm sure you know a week seems like a month in this situation so you will do what is best for you I'm sure. Communication definitely makes the process harder/longer but if you know deep down your doing the right thing it won't matter in the end.
I'll start reading tonight, hopefully it helps some.

bailey17

There's no specific time, and for everyone it's different. But when I was in the place you are in now, I was dying for someone to at least give me an idea of how long the pain would last. So I'll share how it went for myself- things for me improved after 3 months. Still hard, but, better. Like I was out the shock and the fog. Still had bad days here and there but things got better little by little each day. That was after I grieved the loss of the relationship, and started working on myself. You are doing great so far! Nothing is harder than that first month so good for you for pulling through please hang in there, and know it can and WILL get better, as long as you are away from the ex and working on you

DreamsofSerenity

At six weeks, I started to feel much better. Sometimes I still feel sad that I lost him to such a devastating disease, but I never fanatisize about "what if" anymore. I think the difference is that I have finally accepted he is sick, that I can't fix him, and that it is over. I have also accepted I didn't cause it. NC allowed me to reclaim some of the self esteem I had lost while literally being swallowed up by his disease. I spoke to him a couple of times briefly during this period which actually helped to remind me he had not changed, but I don't think I could have really started to heal without the NC. I was too enmeshed.

skella99

It took me about 4 months before I stopped crying and thinking about him all the time. It took me about 8 months before I felt "free" and back to normal. I still think about him all the time, but the pain is gone and I know in my heart of hearts he was not good for me and I am much better off now than I was when I was with him.

Give yourself time and allow yourself to go through this process. *hugs*

Patsy22

Keep busy and NC. I lost my partner to alcoholism at the beginning of this year and I still cry every day. Even though he died so there can be no hope of us getting back together. We were together at his death which was a blessing so I know logically he is dead and it was made too difficult for me to go to his funeral so at least I had closure. I thjnk about him virtually all the time. My home is still full of his things which are memories and I expect at least your XAB has taken his stuff. At first I couldn't eat or sleep but after about a month that improved. My concentration and memory is shot and I talk to his photograph still. I found Melody Beattie's 'The Grief Club' helpful and I think it can be applied to the death of a relationship as well as a physical death. One word of warning, be careful what you keep busy doing though. I have just come back from testing a new choir as I find singing uplifting. Everyone was very nice but most of the songs were romanticised songs of dying so perhaps not such a good choice. You are doing really well, just know in your heart it is final and soon you will be able to move on and rebuild your life. Exercise helps. Just don't start self-medicating yourself. Remember, you managed before you met him so you will do again. Take each day at a time. Hugs.

marie1960

When will it get easier?

It got easier for me when i was able to accept the facts of the situation. I had to stay in my today. Everytime I would feel the heartache, I would have to remind myself that he was not the person I thought he was. I had to let go of what I had envisioned for us because there was no US !

I no longer wanted to play second fiddle to the booze. I decided I was worthy of a committed partner, someone who could and would be mutually invested. The bottom line, he had nothing to offer me. He was and is an addict.

Of course it hurt, and I will remember it as a very dark time in my life. I've come to the conclusion that for me the reason it was so painful is because I chose to spend 5 years in denial. I lied to myself every stinking day. I had to get brutally honest with myself, and acknowledge the situation for what it truly was. I was not in a relationship at all, I was living in shame and disgust. Addiction was ruling my life. Each and every aspect of my life was being controlled by alcohol. We could never be on time for anything, because he had to stop and have a beer. Sometimes, we would not even get to where we were going, as he was too drunk to be seen in public. Never knew who would be walking thru the door, Jeykel or Hyde, it was complete insanity.

The countless, endless LIES, it was easier to avoid any and all conversation versus being hurt and betrayed by his drunken cruel words. He would wake up the next day and act like nothing ever happened, (well it didn't for him as he was so black out drunk)This is not my definition of a relationship, it truly is a hostage situation.

Please know you are not alone. We understand your pain. But you can lift yourself up and recover. You deserve better. Believe in yourself. Write it off as a life lesson and go forward and live a healthy life. I would end ALL contact with him. You are only pouring salt on open wounds. Be well.

pattyG

Jungle girl,

Congrats on 1 month! I too am 37 days in to the same situation...my XAGF and I separated when I found out she filed for joint custody/visitation of MY kids. That was a shocker. I few things that I do that seems to help. I remind myself of all the other times we broke it off and I went back: did it get better? No actually it got worse each time. I made myself a list i called "How to deal with depression" I put it in my phone and I read it daily. It has:
1. Celebrate what your good at.
2. Recognize all change is hard, you can't escape the daily pain unless you make the choice to be done.
3. Experience the hurt...it will get better day by day. Contact only reopens the wound. Don't go backwards!
4. When the urge to call/text strikes...STOP you HAVE CONTROL over this! take a few deep breathes, imagine what you want in a partner. Recognize people don't change. Are you willing to give up everything to be with that person? It never feels better (that contact) You think it will help but it doesn't, it sets you back.
5. You were never happy even when things were good, something was missing.
6. Do 1 thing for YOU.
7. Count your blessings, list them.
8. God gives you the strength for this battle, He is by your side.
9. Imagine the alternative, what you will risk being with this person.
10. You are strong, healthy, successful, beautiful. You know how to love with your heart, you need to pick someone worthy to love.

I give myself a set time, like 15 mins, to cry and feel the hurt...then I pick myslef up and find something better to spend my time on. It is hard. But by and far...most people who leave an alcoholic are happier in the end.

Patsy22

pattyG - like the idea of giving yourself 15 mins to cry. Good advice.

stronger12879

I am facing a similar situation... I just broke up with my ex a few days ago after he got very drunk and assaulted me. My situation is a little different because I got an order of protection to keep him away from me since he made me feel unsafe. So legally he cannot contact me, and neither can I contact him. In the past, when I ended a relationship, it always hurt like hell, but the window of opportunity was always open for me to contact them either by phone, email or in person. Now I cannot contact him at all, because if I do, I'll be getting myself into legal trouble. While I feel l had good reason to get the protection order (I don't want to take ANY chances as far as my safety and my life are concerned), I still love him and am mourning the good parts of our relationship. And of course there were many good things we shared; otherwise I never would have fallen in love with him in the first place... I know that this is going to hurt like hell for a while.... After my last relationship ended, I was single for 2 whole years before getting involved with someone new in a serious relationship. It took that long to heal from the pain and feel capable of trusting and loving again... There is no way to tell how long it will take for you to start feeling better because everyone is different, but I can tell you that with my last relationship (not this ex), things definitely got easier after I made the decision to cut off all contact completely. The few times I did see him or talk to him after our breakup just reopened old wounds and made me miss him more. It sounds like because you share a dog and household bills, you can't cut him out of your life completely just yet, but I would try to minimize contact if I were in your position to whatever is absolutely necessary for the care of the dog and the payment of the bills...
If I were in your shoes, I would look into getting a new place or having the lease changed to just your name when the current lease expires... Regarding the dog, that's tough because it's a living breathing creature who is like part of your family. When my previous ex and I broke up, he left me with the cat we had adopted together (I also had another cat who I had adopted myself before we got together). Eventually I gave up the cat I had adopted with my ex because the poor thing was just a constant reminder of my ex and seeing him everyday hurt me a lot. I never abused that cat, but I definitely did not give him the affection I gave to my own cat, and the animal deserved a home where he would be loved unconditionally.
For your own emotional wellbeing, I think a decision will have to be made one way or another about the dog eventually. Either you keep him as solely yours, or relinquish him to your ex... A dog is not a child that needs 2 parents. And if you are 100% sure you don't want to be with your ex, sharing custody of the dog will not help you move on...

LadySage

Thank you for sharing, I'm a week separated from AH and appreciate knowing that others are going through this and it's just a sad painful situation even if leaving was the right thing. I know I already feel better than last week, each day I'm hoping the fog will lift little by little.

stronger12879

LadySage it will get better!!! Have faith! I was visiting a girlfriend recently who is aware of my situation, and I was telling her how I want to get back into photography, which I studied years ago in high school and really enjoyed. Today when I was out getting a chain for my door at home depot to keep my ex out, I spotted a beautiful mural painted on a wall and snapped photos with my iphone. Did the same when I went to the police station today to give them a copy of my order of protection... I saw really cool murals painted on a school and in a park on my walk home and took pics. The past week has been hard and I've shed many tears, but I also feel more peaceful and free... I'm on my way to hang out with one of my neighbors who owns a music studio... I need to get out of the house more and keep myself busy doing fun stuff so that I'm not sitting at home crying my eyes out... Just take it one day at a time and make a conscious effort to do things you enjoy

LexieCat

Not that I think it would EVER be a good idea to contact someone when you have a restraining order in place, but that is not true--you can NOT get in legal trouble for contacting him. The order pertains to what HE cannot do. Only the person to whom the order is directed can get in "legal trouble"--I just think it's important to note that, because I would never want someone who made the mistake of allowing contact to be afraid to call the police because of fear she, herself, would be arrested. That isn't how it works.

It would be foolish and dangerous, though, to contact someone when you have a restraining order in place. You would be communicating to him that the order isn't important, and that he can disregard it. If you ever, for any reason, want to resume contact, you should dismiss the order FIRST. You are never prevented from applying for a new one if you need it.

It sounds to me, though, like you want to keep that order in place for a good, long time. He is clearly out of control.

brokenrose

I agree with many of the posters, the first 2 months were the absolute worst, however I was in such denial that it was over that I actually did better with no contact bc I still really believed he was coming running back....by the third month I started to fear he was not coming back and that's when I went a little cuckoo and texted him probably once a week usually with no response....now finally I have gone no contact (I can't bc I blocked him from calling and me from texting!) and I can honestly say finally I don't want him back, too much pain....do I still think of him yes, but instead of 100x a day like in the beginning ( I was very much in a fog of trauma and depression) to now maybe 5 -10x a day...it does get better but let me be honest here....he went no contact, had he not I probably would have run back.....its a blessing, here is one of my favourite sayings from the experienced users on this forum-Rejection is God's Protection!!!! I totally agree. Stay strong all of you and Hugs from Canada

JungleGirl

Thank you all so much for your responses. It is comforting to know that I am not alone in this struggle but I also feel for all of you going through similar things. I started reading "women who love too much this morning" and am finding similarities, hopefully this will give me some guidance