Kookwater

My wife has had two failed attempts at out patient rehab and had just exited in patient and drank again afterwords we were separated the kids of 8 and 10 with me then she said she wanted to move in with us as she was battling to stay off the booze I got scared to put the children through the verbal abuse again and was hesitant she now wants a divorce because she says I am her trigger I am devastated by this please help me understand
The year before has been pure hell she gets agressive when drunk mostly vebally but physically when i threatened to leave a year ago for the sake of the children she laid false domestic violence charges against me i too hvae reacted to her angry outbursts and now am labelled abusive by her.

Can i cause her to become an alcoholic have i not loved her enough

CeciliaV

Hi kookwater - first, welcome, and so sorry for the pain you're going through. Second, no, you did not cause her to become an alcoholic. The three c's are a good mantra around here - you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. It's not your fault that she's an alcoholic, and you can't love alcoholism away. Trust me, I think all of us here have tried.

You can try to be supportive of her as she struggles with alcoholism, but all you really can do is what's in your control: decide what you want to do for yourself and for your children. It sounds like the home with her in it is not healthy for you or the kids.

My AH is coming out of rehab in just a couple days after two failed outpatient programs himself. I understand the frustration and pain you must be feeling right now. If I have learned just one thing during his time at rehab it is that he must work his own recovery and I must work mine. I encourage you to reach out for help and support. This forum is a great first step. Read the stickies & other posts, there's a wealth of support and wisdom. You may also want to reach out to other in-person or online support groups as well. Al Anon and Smart Recovery are two that I know of - different approaches, but both offer support and guidance for family & friends of alcoholics.

I think the most important thing is for you to remember to find time to take care of you. I lost sight of that for a very long time.

Hugs and strength to you.

Kookwater

Thanks Cecilia I will do so good luck I hope he sticks to it and you find him again

CeciliaV

It's funny that you say it that way - I swear, I hadn't seen my husband in years. Even though his body was occupying our home, he was not - the alcohol was. Alcohol makes a terrible roommate.

Recovering2

You are not the reason she drinks. A's will blame blame blame until they are ready to accept that the disease is their problem. As mentioned, remember the 3C's when you are hearing that it's your fault. Didn't Cause it, can't Control it, can't Cure it. If she feels stressed, she can go to a meeting or call her sponsor. She doesn't have to drink, that's her choice. Don't get caught up in the blame game (easier said than done).

You are right to set boundaries for you and your children. It doesn't sound like she is in true recovery yet if she continues to fail rehab attempts. There is nothing you can do about that. You are powerless over her drinking and her choices, but you are not powerless in choosing how you want to live. And you have to protect your children.

Are you in AlAnon? If not, please consider attending a meeting. It will help you gain clarity about this disease and how to take care of you. Keep posting, we're here for you. Hugs.

dollydo

"Can i cause her to become an alcoholic have i not loved her enough "

No, if you haven't done so, read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, also the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs.

I was raised in an alcoholic home, children carry their childhood into adulthood and hear and see everything, I would google...Adult Children of Alcoholics, you are their future their voice, they should not be raised in a home where addiction and abuse are present.

Keep posting, it will help. I am so sorry that your children have been exposed to her toxic behavior.

Kookwater

It's funny kids sometimes say things that really bring clarity the other day my ten year old out of the blue says "I miss the old mom" at that moment I realized how much I miss her too not the person currently inhabiting her body