pianogirl1193

I know you are all urging me so badly to go completely NC. I will say I haven't done that yet really. I mean I surely haven't initiated any contact, and I ignored his 1 text this weekend and his email last night, but tonight he called me...I didn't answer but texted later to ask what he needed. He called me...said he stopped by my place to get some straws (he did technically buy them, but really? straws? you could buy those anywhere for a dollar...) I wasn't there. He said he knocked and then the door was open so he went in and just got them. seriously?! that makes me mad! I texted him and said "i think it's weird that you stopped by and went in my apartment without even asking me. You could've gotten straws anywhere. Please don't do it again." And then he responded saying "Well it was a good thing you weren't there. I didn't want to see you anyway." I said "why are you being such an *******? Do you really think I deserve this? Don't lie and tell me you came over just to get straws, that's crap" and he said "i just came to get f-cking straws. if you don't believe me, fine."

it's just stupid. I'm so mad. He's never really been mean to me like that before (as in saying he didn't want to see me.) I knew deep down the first time he called tonight that responding via text or phone would probably just end in me being hurt again. I was right. And you all keep telling me that! I guess I had hoped that he wanted to come over TO see me. Not to get f-cking straws. I guess I still think it was an excuse to come over and see me..but who knows. I'm just hurt. Maybe it is time to block him from my phone...... I'm just still having a lot of magical thinking about everything. I'm even being unrealistic in thinking we could get back together sooner rather than later (or never). I feel like I can't survive without him or our relationship. I just know that that's a bad idea (horrible actually.) My logical and emotional side are just at war.

I did see my therapist the other day and it did help to process things.. a lot of thinking about what my motivation is from doing these things (responding to him, calling him last week begging him to tell me if he's seeing another girl, etc.) I did see a couple books recommended here, Women Who Love Too Much and Facing Love Addiction. Has anybody read either of these? I think i will try to buy one of those tomorrow and get reading.

I will also say things have been getting a little better. I haven't been crying hardly at all! I've been really busy hanging out with my friends and family and things like that. Tonights event took me back a bit but definitely not nearly as bad as what happened last thursday. I'm hurt but not really surprised. Like you all say, he's an addict, and that's what addicts do. He doesn't respect me, and I shouldn't be in contact with someone like that. Thank you all for your posts too. I really get a lot out of just reading other's posts and responses. I feel like all of our situations are different in some ways and yet we are facing such similar things. It's good not to feel alone.

dollydo

I like both of the books, personally prefer Women Who Love Too Much.

In order to keep him out of your apartment, you need to change the locks and make sure that your door is locked behind you. Gotta wonder what he was going to use the straws for,
probably not for drinking a soda.

As long you let him in your life, you will have turmoil and unrest. Not my rules, just how it works. Your 20, you are too young for all this nonsense, you have alot of living to do, now is the time to have fun with your friends & family.

Make today a good one...for you.

pianogirl1193

Okay i think i will try to buy it today! Haha that's kinda funny what you said about the straws... true, but honestly he is just very addicted to marijuana and has never done any other drugs from what I know so I'm not sure about the straws...he just really likes to drink everything with a straw, lol. But i still think it was unneccesary for him to show up at my place to get them, even worse that he didn't ask. I want to send him an angry text saying how inappropriate that was, but I don't think it would help anything..would probably just make things worse.

I'm honestly just worried that I will never find anyone else who I can be totally comfortable with and who understands me. But after reading an sample of Women Who Love Too Much on my kindle, I'm realizing that the way I am feeling is not uncommon...not healthy, but not uncommon. He really was never emotionally available for me...i was always putting 90% of the effort into the relationship while he put in 10%. I guess that's not how it's supposed to be???

Thank you dollydo! I will try to do something nice for myself today. Definitely no contact!!!

brokenrose

Hi pianogirl.....I don't know much about your story bc I usually post on the f and f of alcoholics forum....but I could post here as well since I found out xabf was also doing coke, who knew ha ha. I'm not trying to be mean but when I was clueless about addiction and he and I were still together, he was looking in my utensils drawer for a spatula and saw my son's mickey mouse straw and made a comment like that oh that would be fun....and I was like huh? Then he said you wouldn't be able to find any straws at his place.....I let it go and then of course found out later that was his preferred method of snorting coke.....I am 40 years old, I had no clue!!! Anyways the real point here is we broke up 4 months ago, he just dumped me out of the blue and broke all contact, like completely...I was shattered. Yesterday, finally I called my cell provider and blocked him from calling or texting and me from texting.....not bc he was reaching out to me pianogirl (he found himself a new gf pretty quickly) but bc in my rage and anger, I was texting him!!! I did no contact for me.....you will get to that point, I'm assuming it is still fresh for you, you need to listen to your heart, these wise people say go no contact bc they have lived it.....but you will do what is right for you when you are ready.....Up until the beginning of February, I swear to you I would have taken him back had he contacted me, but not anymore. Day by day, that's all you can do.....and please for your safety and sanity, don\t let him into your apartment anymore. He has no buisness being there if you are broken up...just some advice. Take care of you...hugs.

lightseeker

Hi Piano Girl.....I definitely understand how hard this is. I left my husband 21 months ago and it took me almost 18 months to go NC and mean it. I readily admit that I had become addicted to the chaos - let alone him. I had to white knuckle it quite a bit and just sit with some very uncomfortable feelings. In hindsight, I've seen that every time that I was inclined to be in contact with him it was when I was avoiding my own unwanted emotions. In fact, even as I write this I feel this low level desire to call him to "catch up"....there is also an awareness that somehow we will end up sparring with each other and my emotions will be totally ensconced with that turmoil. So...playing the tape out, I won't be in contact with him but I'll sit here with what's REALLY bothering me and work through it. Interesting, what is really bothering me has NOTHING to do with him. I had the 1st of 2 eye surgeries last Friday and am waiting for the next one on Monday. In the meantime, my vision is like lookin g at a 3d movie without the glasses...and I'm worried about my near vision in the corrected eye.

So....all that is to say that I definitely get it and have been/am where you are with this. I've also seen that time and time again I've proved to myself that there is no successful way to stay in touch with him. It ALWAYS (or almost always) ends badly. So, none of it is worth the risk. Does that a little like someone "jonesing" for a fix or a hit? Yep. I get it. He was/is my DOC and I have to watch out for interactions with others to take my mind off of the unpleasant things in my own life that are troubling me.

I've read every book I can find on this subject and the two that you mentioned are excellent. There were also parts of Women, Sex, and Addiction (Charlotte Kasl) that I really found enlightening and helpful.

You are not alone in the difficulties of going NC. It really is much like an addict that is seeking recovery and sobriety. For me, it's been 7/8th of a cup of recovery work and 1/8th of a cup of white knuckling. I've also adopted a quote from the movie War Games.....the only winning move is not to play. War Games? Maybe. End Game? Definitely.

pianogirl1193

Wow, thank you both so much for your responses! I've been beating myself up a lot for not being "strong enough" to go NC, because I know in my heart it is what's best and that you all are right; you know from experience. I really should be kinder to myself though. I am doing much better than I would've ever expected myeslf to do. I need to give myself SOME credit!

brokenrose, it's true, you never know. Up until 3 weeks ago when we broke up (2 year relationship) I am 99.9% sure he had never done any hard drugs. But, now that we are not togeter and have not been in much contact, who really knows! I am sorry for your struggles. It is good to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way. Similarly to what you said, honestly today I wish I could take him back! I mean I'm the one who broke up with him, and I just can't let myself go back to him (even though I want to more than anything). I just know it would be the worst thing I could possibly do for myself. But it's so hard. I hope I have the courage to go NC soon. He is just confusing me with all his texts/emails. One night he is acting like we are still together (thru email) and the next he is saying "i didn't want to see you anyway." I think he's probably just playing games with me (consciously or unconsciously)...but they aren't funny to me. Thank you so much for your response.

lightseeker, okay, I'm only 3 weeks in so maybe i'm not doing that bad? It feels better for someone to validate that it IS hard. It seems like everyone here just tells me i need to do it! Like they make it sound easy. It's probably just bc they KNOW it's what is best. But it makes me feel badly about myself because I don't feel ready. I feel like a failure. I think i'm getting very close though. I'm realizing very quickly that every interaction I have with him ends badly (or at least gets me thinking about him more..not good.)Next time I am having an urge to contact him I will definitely look at what is really going on inside me...Maybe some feelings I am trying to avoid. I'm assuming that does have something to do with it... wow, that quote is awesome. I'm definitely going to write that down!!! So true. And i will check out that book also. Thank you for the support and sharing your experience!!!!

Idk, I find that I can avoid initiating contact but when he contacts me, after a few times I am powerless and feel like I must respond. It's like I don't want him to know how desperate and sad I am so I avoid that. But if he texts or emails me, I usually expect (or want) it to be some apology, something begging for me back, saying he misses me, etc. Maybe it's an ego thing..i don't have much self-esteem and that's where I usually got it. I need to find my worth outside of him...

pianogirl1193

my friend just told me he posted some new pics on FB (i can still see it even tho we aren't friends...)with 2 girls, vodka, partying. First it hurt my heart a lot. It still does. So sad. But 1) That tells me he isn't sober. I didn't want to be with him that way. and 2) neither of those girls were that pretty. I think I'm way cuter. I MUST THINK POSITIVE THOUGHTS!!!! I will be okay without him. Actually, I am better off without him. He never put me first. I deserve to be a priority in someone's life. He only ever hurt me.

I'm tempted to email him, saying "not so sober, huh?" I feel like it would make me feel good. I shouldn't do that, right??? AHHH i'm going crazy.

tallgirl77

Been where you are, had friends contacting me telling me what the exabf was doing or posting on facebook also. You need to block him from your facebook and tell your friends that you don't want or need to know what he is doing, he is no longer a part of your life or your problem. Once you get to complete NC you will feel so much more at peace, I know I did. Hang in there, you deserve to be treated with respect and love and that's not something someone in active addiction can give you ((((hugs))))

pianogirl1193

okay i did figure out how to block him! didn't know that was possible...well I thought it meant that they just couldn't see your stuff, but now i can't even find him on FB. So maybe that will help. I really need to leave him and any hope of us ever getting back together behind. It is hard to accept the finality of the ending of a relationship. That's what I was struggling with most before. I think even last night i was still in denial! Like, this isn't really real....It is still hard, but now that he's being so stupid I'm a little less hessitant to let go. I don't want someone like that in my life.

How long does it take to feel better after going NC? I feel like I'm really serious about it now. Contact only ever leads to me being hurt again and again. I don't need that. It's hard because I know I will wonder what he's doing and stuff...it's weird being so out of touch with someone you talked to about everything with. But it will be better....

stucna

pianogirl1193 converastion with addict always looks the same. they say one thing on and on and on till or you believe it or they will got frustrated that you didnt believe. then theres another strategy: YOU are not listening and YOU are not getting it...

jerect

Block his number, mark his email as spam, block him from any social media and walk away..

After about a week of no contact you will feel so much better...

pianogirl1193

stucna, i don't really understand your post haha could you explain it a little more?

Okay jerect, I think i'm really ready to do this!!!

Lily1918

well... you don't smoke Mary Jane with straws my friend...

lizwig

Hello Pianogirl...I'm sorry for what you are going through.

A very wise woman once told me a relationship is like a bank account. She said I needed to start thinking like the bank manager. If a person held an account, but never made any deposits, only wrote checks against it, never worried about the zero balance....as a manager what would I do? Well close the account obviously! She said a relationship is exactly the same. There needs to be a balance of deposits v. withdrawls. If you are making ALL the deposits (emotionally and otherwise) and he is making ALL the withdrawls....you need to close the account. You need to protect yourself and your assets (your heart!). He'll take his business to another branch...and leave that account with a zero balance as well.

Not to make any light of the situation, I promise. But those words have stuck with me for years and really helped me assess relationships early on. I've been married to my wonderful husband for almost 20 years and he has always maintained our joint account and given it just as much attention as I have. (My son is the reason I'm a participant on this site). Stay strong....be patient with yourself....and keep coming back here. It has been a life saver for me!

AnvilheadII

straws???? missing any tin foil too? that's just plain nutso.

it's a very good growth experience to learn how to GET OUT of a relationship. how to exit and be done. helps us learn how to keep perspective and balance and not get too overly attached or enmeshed in another.

lightseeker

I agree that it takes about a week or so. The first time I really began to break away was the fall before last. It took about 1 week to 10 days. I've had a number of "relapses" since then but the detox time was a lot less each time.

Blocking him from FB helped a lot too. It's too tempting to look and see what is going on in his life. When I've done that, I ended up making up stories about his current life and it ALWAYS has made me feel worse.

It helps me to just believe that he has been vaporized by the aliens.....as in just gone. Poof.

I thought that NC would be easier too and that I would be a whole lot happier than I turned out to be when I finally did it. I began to realize that happiness really is an inside job and not all of my loneliness and happiness was due to him. But those were some of the issues that got me involved with him in the first place.

Every one is different...one thing that helped me was to read my daily meditation books until I started feeling better. Not as in 1 reading a day, but all the readings that it took me until I felt better each time I faltered. I still do that. I know that there is something somewhere that will break me out of my crazy trance!

I think that you are doing fine. If it was easy to do it would mean that you were probably substituting something else unhealthy so in a way - appreciate the struggles. Reading Huffington Post tweets about divorce (apply the perspective to even a dating relationship) and Life Advice tweets helped me too. It just takes what it takes.

Hang in there. Any time you get the urge to connect with him then come here and reach out to someone else on this forum that is struggling and needs support. That helps me a ton!

pianogirl1193

Lily1918... I know!!! haha but I just cannot picutre him doing hard drugs. you never know though. All i do know is that he is clearly not clean/sober!

lizwig, Thank you so much for that. That is a very good analogy, and so true for our relationship. I felt like I was always putting in so much more effort than he was..and I probably was! I was feeling down tonight and that really helped me to look at the situation more clearly, so thank you.

AnvilheadII, that is very true. Since it is my first real breakup, this is all new to me. And I am realizing more and more that I am a love addict, and a codependent. I am probably going to have to work on that before getting into a new relationship... or else who knows, I may make the same mistakes again. I do realize that i stayed in this relationship way longer than I should have. I was really just scared of being alone.

lightseeker, SO true! When I saw those pics I started just going crazy in my brain...who are those girls, where did he meet them, has he slept with either of them, does he like them, is he missing me, etc. It's all just really pointless. All it does is make me upset. I am glad I blocked him. I have asked most of my close friends to please not tell me anything they may see on FB about him, as I don't want to know. What are some of your favorite meditation (or any other kind) of books that help you get through the day when you are struggling with thoughts? I have a couple al-anon books...one day at a time... i've seen a lot of people there also have "courage to change." I wonder if that's a good one? Thank you so much for the support. Coming on here and supporting others really does seem to help.

I went to the verizon store and i guess we have a pending change on our account so i can't block any number until march 3rd....so 3 days, that's not so bad. Hopefully he just won't contact me...

jerect

If you have Verizon you can go online and block up to five numbers on your line for free whether you have a pending charge or not.. The block last for 90 days then you can go back in and block him again... I love that feature and I have used it multiple times.. Don't wait till march 3rd.. Do it feb 28th :-)

pianogirl1193

It is an awesome feature. when I tried to do it online it told me "your phone is not compatable with this feature" or something so I went in to actually ask the people and he said my phone can definitely let me do it but I can't until this "change" is made or something. I believe my mom switched to a new plan and so for some reason their system won't let me do it until then. Odd, I know......

lizwig

Good Morning Piano Girl. I'm glad the bank account analogy helped you. In regards to reading material.... I really like "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie. She also wrote 'Codependent no More". "The Language of Letting Go" is a daily meditation on co-dependency. I've found it really uplifting and have had many "lightbulb" moments while reading it. Stay strong...be kind and patient with yourself.