effortjoy

Didn't want to go back to the drinking life that I had before but just thought it would be ok for one party...it was awful. I embarrassed myself in front of all my kids, I threw up all over the car on the way to the party...and even while I was way past my limit, I just wanted more to drink. Don't know why I did this but afterwards I realized that I am full of resentment. I feel like my husband doesn't respect my work or my time, and I am hating almost everyone right now (except for my kids who are literal lights in my life) it seems like someone is always asking me for a favor and I can't stand it- I feel like I really need time to recover and my life is overloaded as it is with work and young children. So I turn people down and then they get angry- but I really don't care anymore. Part of the relapse I think was just to escape from not being able to lead the life I really want to and now I have to figure out how to have the courage to do so bx escaping didn't and doesn't work. Is it selfish to want "me" time for my work and recovery? Is it ok that I don't want to be around other people except for family right now?

Dee74

I'm sorry you had to do 'the experiment' but you're in good company.

Part of my problem was never being able to say no, but at the same time resenting myself for feeling bad about saying no, and resenting people for asking.

I had to get ok with putting myself first when I needed to.
Counselling really helped me there, helped me with other healthier ways to deal with stress and helped me to speak my mind, not hold on to resentment and feel ok that I can't help people all the time.

If they don't like that, it's their issue, EJ.

You're no good to anyone least of all yourself if you're stressed and your only solution is to drink.

D

Purplecatlover

I'm not sure what advice to give but I understand feeling overwhelmed & resentful that weight always seems to fall on me.
It seems unfair that we can't relax & escape occasionally.

Life is hard. But drinking makes it 1,000 times harder, this I know from experience.
Find something that makes you happy & make time for you.
I'm sure after the dust settles, you will feel better.

I'm sorry you feel so angry. Is there anyone you can ask for help? Family? Friends?
I tend to be a perfectionist & martyr. Nobody helped me b/c I was too proud to ask. When I humbled myself, the resentments dissipated.
Be kind to yourself.

Coldfusion

Joy, I found that I didn't change until I took a major step in the direction of change. For me, it was seven days in detox. You might get by with therapy and being with your family, or maybe you need to do an extended rehab program.

My last drunk was a real winner too--I am making very sure that it stays my last drunk. I am taking definite steps daily to be sure of that. Please let us know what you will do to change--thinking it through and sharing it here at SR can help make it happen.

effortjoy

I really appreciate the support here; the strange thing is I am almost feeling some relief about the relapse; it felt like it was coming for so long and I almost wanted to get it over with so I could prove to myself again that there is no amount of alcohol that will solve my problems for me.
So today I took my first step in changing- my husband accepted a favor on my behalf and for the first time- I said no. Even though it made him angry, even though he implied I was being selfish and instead of feeling guilty...I felt great. I may finally be ready to take responsibility for creating the life I really want for myself and strangely enough, the relapse was the ticket to understanding that the resentment was toxic and I didn't realize it until I was willing to throw away 8 months of sobriety to just 'not be me' for a half hour

Anna

I think that being able to say 'No' and feeling good about it is SO important. I was a people-pleaser and would always go out of my way to as much as possible for my family and friends. It left me feeling empty and lost and I know when I started to recover that I had to make some firm boundaries and figure out what I wanted out of life. It was a slow process, and I really had to cut activities and some people out of my life so that I felt comfortable.

I'm glad you learned about resentment and I know you can move forward from here.

ivegotsunshine

Thanks for your honesty. I can certainly relate to what you are saying. The pressures of people needing you in every single direction. Feeling entirely used up at the end of the day. And the feeling of the one person who should support you the most seems like the worst critic with the highest expectations. Yup. I hear ya. I've been thinking about relapsing myself lately. Just to escape from the BS that I am constantly dealing with. It is tough.
I hope you start feeling better. Wish I had some stellar advice but I dont. Just wanted you to know, I hear ya. :/

YouRmySunshine

I hope not because other than AA, Treatment, My kids, Parents, and one brother, I have cut out just about everyone else right now. I have even had to make the hard decision to not talk to or hang out with my little sister, who is also my best friend, and unfortunately BIG TIME Drinking buddy & Co-Dependent in this addiction. Problem is she doesnt think she has a problem. And I am in no position to "fix" anyone elses crap right now but my own.

I wish you all the best, Please find the courage to get up & tackle this head on.
You have a family that loves you, be there for you & them now!
~Peace

ACT10Npack

I learn that you can't escape life. Your stuck with it until the day you die. Got learn how to deal with it and find joy. You will have your ups and downs. All you can do now is to learn from your night of heavy drinking and focus on moving on with life. The more you deal with it, the easier and more joyful you will have.

Were you craving alcohol and how long did you plan on drinking that night?

instant

EJ it sounds like you are making it work for you, being assertive in the right way is a skill I am working on- keep it up.