mfox

It's amazing how, over time....weeks, days, months, years.....of living with an addict, we forget what life is meant to be. We slowly, daily become so accustomed and acclimated to the turmoil, drama, guilt, fear unhappiness and uncertainty that our addict brings to our life that we forget who we once were. We forget what being happy and carefree is all about. Instead we are shackled by this new lifestyle that we have slipped into so quietly and easily that we are eventually completely immersed in it and, when you finally realize where you are, you feel immobilized and helpless. This has become YOUR 'normal'. THIS seems routine.... Searching for clues, watching their behavior and waiting for the next binge. We all know it's coming. Sure, we can try to deny it, we can try to rationalize and we can try to say "this time it will be different...this time they can't possibly go through it again." But we KNOW it WILL happen. We KNOW. And we are so accustomed to living with a knot in the pit of our stomachs waiting for the next time, the time they don't come home from work, the day they "forget" to pick the kids up from school, the time they take off in the middle of the night. We wait for the phone calls from the police, we wait for them to hit THEIR bottom and we never question where our OWN bottom is or when WE will reach it. And we do this because we love them. We want them better. We want them whole. But they are destroying US. Actually, WE are ALLOWING ourselves to be destroyed. And that is so sad. Addicts destroy everything they touch - especially those who love them the most.

I have gone no contact with my AH finally. He's been gone for 5 months but I now haven't heard anything from him for over 2 weeks. And as much as I thought it would hurt, surprisingly it doesn't. There is NO drama, no unhappiness. There is laughing with the kids in the kitchen while we make dinner and singing in the car with them. There is fun. There are real PLANS that aren't contingent upon whether he is in a bad mood or has taken off again. There is no knot in the pit of my stomach. And I like this feeling. I like who I am - who I WAS before I met him. I'm still that person. I just have to spend some time finding her again. I am finding 'happy and carefree' again and it feels so good!

Thank you to all my friends here. I honestly couldn't do this without you!

dollydo

Wonderful post...thank you!

KLM

Amazing post! You just put into words everything I've been thinking and feeling but am too whipped up to organize in my head.
Thank you.

havehope

You are so right, MFOX! I sometimes refer to it as my "new normal". My new normal is life without my oldest daughter. I discovered that it was OK to have fun and laugh again although she was not in my life. My new normal has given me permission to still have fun and hope for better things down the road for my daughter. But now, I can not put my life on hold. I deserve to laugh