Please help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 119
Please help
Really thought I was starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel after my AP died and his family had disowned me and treated me as though I didn't count. Been trying to carry on with my life and keep busy and make him proud of me. But today the local vicar came round to see how I was as he knew I went to our local church instead of going to AP's funeral 10 days ago as the family said I wouldn't be welcome. I know it was caring and lovely of him but it has really upset me as it's brought my situation home to me and made me realise that I will never have the future I wanted - and finally thought I might get as the AP gave up drinking. I have been crying all day and don't know what to do. Still feel so guilty I didn't go to the funeral but I know it would have been the wrong thing to do.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
"It's brought my situation home to me and made me realise that I will never have the future I wanted."
You have a whole lot of living to do, there is always a new future around the corner, guilt is a self imposed emotion, it will keep you stuck. You were there in the hospital with him,
there is no reason to beat yourself over the head about this. He knew that you were there
for him, he didn't know that you weren't at the funeral.
I am sorry that you are still in pain, perhaps therapy is might be of help to you.
You have a whole lot of living to do, there is always a new future around the corner, guilt is a self imposed emotion, it will keep you stuck. You were there in the hospital with him,
there is no reason to beat yourself over the head about this. He knew that you were there
for him, he didn't know that you weren't at the funeral.
I am sorry that you are still in pain, perhaps therapy is might be of help to you.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
prayers & thoughts of comfort for you ~
you did what you could for him while he was with you ~ please let that bring you peace, like he is at peace now ~
try to let the healing process begin in you ~ you deserve it
gentle pink hugs
you did what you could for him while he was with you ~ please let that bring you peace, like he is at peace now ~
try to let the healing process begin in you ~ you deserve it
gentle pink hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 119
Thank you all, particularly Dollydo. It hadn't really registered with me that he knew I was there when he passed on but he did because he heard me tell the nurse that I would be ok and it was ok for him to let go - and he did. I know that it wasn't really him at his funeral and it wasn't really his funeral as his family didn't know him well, and it was such a long time after his death at New Year. I just feel bad that the people he talked about would be there and I would never meet them, but I suppose if they were such good friends they wouldn't have waited 9 years until he died to meet up anyway.
Am waiting for therapy but I can't afford to do it privately so it will be several weeks.
Am waiting for therapy but I can't afford to do it privately so it will be several weeks.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Patsy, I'm so sorry.
In many books on addiction often the subject of "scapegoating" is addressed. This is when the alcoholic's family decides to focus their anger and their pain on someone other than the alcoholic. They choose a scapegoat, a target, for their unmanageable feelings and they blame that person for, well, everything. It is such a common outcome of the insanity of addiction which runs throughout an entire family system.
Very often the scapegoat is the spouse of the alcoholic. The "outsider." The person who can safely be blamed for failing to "save" the alcoholic, because the family--consciously or unconsciously--cannot bear to go anywhere near the thought that they may have been to blame, could have done something more, that they made mistakes, failed him. So they attack a scapegoat instead, with their furies, and they shame her so they themselves do not have to face their own struggle with shame.
The reality is that no one could have changed his addiction or his choices or his obsession to drink or his destiny. This is the first step of AA and the first step of Al-Anon: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable."
You are the innocent victim of an alcoholic's anguished family who does not know what to do with their grief as well as their rage. They have both emotions, and they are coming apart because of those emotions.
It was not necessary for you to attend the funeral, for your relationship with your AP transcended anything in the material world, your destinies were intertwined and you lived your stories together as one story for a while, and that story involved the hearts of no one else, only yours and his. You did not need to attend the funeral to validate for yourself what once was between you and this man you loved, and you certainly do not need to validate that relationship's meaningfulness to anyone else on this earth.
Patsy, if there are Al-Anon meetings where you are, it would help you so much to go. There you will find people who have also lived the pain and the powerlessness of loving an alcoholic and who are striving to live with integrity, and that means blaming no one and holding no one responsible either for the alcoholic's life--or death--nor for their own trauma in dealing with what addiction has done to them emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically.
Have your own solemn memorial. Make a place, and a time, and a liturgy of your own and perform a ritual of love and farewell. Your service, for you and for him, in an intimate setting where you will be connected to his memory.
He has moved on to something new. He is free of the bonds of alcohol and his spirit has crossed through the gate, and found something new and beautiful to explore.
So it is all right for you, here and now, to take away meaning from this time in your life, from knowing him in your life, and here, to find something beautiful to explore. You are still on the earth. So you still have important things left to do. Open yourself to that promise and allow God to guide you toward your continuing purpose and unfolding.
And if the vicar is a kind soul who understands, give that person a call when times get rough. This is a very very sad time for you, there is much chaos within you right now, and if you can find someone who will provide you a sacred space to bring your pain, that will help your healing.
I am so sorry for your loss. Do take good care of yourself. You are important.
In many books on addiction often the subject of "scapegoating" is addressed. This is when the alcoholic's family decides to focus their anger and their pain on someone other than the alcoholic. They choose a scapegoat, a target, for their unmanageable feelings and they blame that person for, well, everything. It is such a common outcome of the insanity of addiction which runs throughout an entire family system.
Very often the scapegoat is the spouse of the alcoholic. The "outsider." The person who can safely be blamed for failing to "save" the alcoholic, because the family--consciously or unconsciously--cannot bear to go anywhere near the thought that they may have been to blame, could have done something more, that they made mistakes, failed him. So they attack a scapegoat instead, with their furies, and they shame her so they themselves do not have to face their own struggle with shame.
The reality is that no one could have changed his addiction or his choices or his obsession to drink or his destiny. This is the first step of AA and the first step of Al-Anon: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable."
You are the innocent victim of an alcoholic's anguished family who does not know what to do with their grief as well as their rage. They have both emotions, and they are coming apart because of those emotions.
It was not necessary for you to attend the funeral, for your relationship with your AP transcended anything in the material world, your destinies were intertwined and you lived your stories together as one story for a while, and that story involved the hearts of no one else, only yours and his. You did not need to attend the funeral to validate for yourself what once was between you and this man you loved, and you certainly do not need to validate that relationship's meaningfulness to anyone else on this earth.
Patsy, if there are Al-Anon meetings where you are, it would help you so much to go. There you will find people who have also lived the pain and the powerlessness of loving an alcoholic and who are striving to live with integrity, and that means blaming no one and holding no one responsible either for the alcoholic's life--or death--nor for their own trauma in dealing with what addiction has done to them emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically.
Have your own solemn memorial. Make a place, and a time, and a liturgy of your own and perform a ritual of love and farewell. Your service, for you and for him, in an intimate setting where you will be connected to his memory.
He has moved on to something new. He is free of the bonds of alcohol and his spirit has crossed through the gate, and found something new and beautiful to explore.
So it is all right for you, here and now, to take away meaning from this time in your life, from knowing him in your life, and here, to find something beautiful to explore. You are still on the earth. So you still have important things left to do. Open yourself to that promise and allow God to guide you toward your continuing purpose and unfolding.
And if the vicar is a kind soul who understands, give that person a call when times get rough. This is a very very sad time for you, there is much chaos within you right now, and if you can find someone who will provide you a sacred space to bring your pain, that will help your healing.
I am so sorry for your loss. Do take good care of yourself. You are important.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 119
Thank you English Garden. Your post made me cry again. I think I can understand a little more about their behaviour now and how they are making an already terribly painful situation so much worse. I had always been welcomed by them but then suddenly I really did feel like an 'outsider'. I know, myself I was not responsible for his drinking, although I know it was just him who was, as they have said in the past he was drinking for at least 30 years which was way before I met him. I will look into Al Anon as I didn't realise they were there to help when the AP is no longer here with us. I'm not a terribly religious person but I have been surprised to find that God does seem to be helping. I am trying to do my bit too, I'm volunteering at the local charity shop and doing street collections for cancer charities which all helps by keeping me busy too. I just miss him so much and regret I can't be accepted as his grieving partner. It helps to know this is common though. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Funerals are really not for the deceased, they're for the surviving. It's not important that you weren't there, you were there at his side when it counted. Whether you attended the funeral or not doesn't change that one bit.
My father is elderly, and doesn't travel well. We live on the west coast, his sister was on the east coast and dying. He had to make a decision. Travel now and spend time at her side while she was still with us, or wait and travel back for her funeral. He elected to travel with my Mom and spend time with his sister before she passed. We agreed I would then attend the funeral. It was a difficult decision for him, and the right one. My Aunt was very ill, but knew my Dad was there. They spent 3 days together, my Dad at her bedside. They said their good byes and shared their love for each other. That wouldn't have happened if he had elected to attend the funeral instead.
You were with him when he needed it most. His soul is at peace. Those 2 things are what matter. And, yes, there are alot of people in AlAnon who no longer have an A in their life. But those meetings continue to help them move forward. I hope you consider going to a meeting. Hugs to you.
My father is elderly, and doesn't travel well. We live on the west coast, his sister was on the east coast and dying. He had to make a decision. Travel now and spend time at her side while she was still with us, or wait and travel back for her funeral. He elected to travel with my Mom and spend time with his sister before she passed. We agreed I would then attend the funeral. It was a difficult decision for him, and the right one. My Aunt was very ill, but knew my Dad was there. They spent 3 days together, my Dad at her bedside. They said their good byes and shared their love for each other. That wouldn't have happened if he had elected to attend the funeral instead.
You were with him when he needed it most. His soul is at peace. Those 2 things are what matter. And, yes, there are alot of people in AlAnon who no longer have an A in their life. But those meetings continue to help them move forward. I hope you consider going to a meeting. Hugs to you.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
My father died 3 years ago, I was with him for 5 or so days before he died. I asked him, "Do you want a funeral and all that goes with it?" He said "No, my wife is dead, all but 2 of my old friends are dead and the 2 are unable to travel, there is no reason to, you are here with me, that's all I want."
After he died I advised my step mothers family, some were really upset, they too said that funerals are for the living. I was torn, I continued to explain my decision...it was my fathers wish...well, my step mothers brother called me and said "I support your decision, you are doing what your father wanted, and keep in mind we could have visited him when he was alive...we didn't."
And, he was right, he gave me the permission to move forward and not feel guilty. There was no service, he was cremated and his ashes were placed in his crypt, next to his wife.
I keep his memory close, however, I live my life...that is what he would want for me, to live in today, not yesterday.
After he died I advised my step mothers family, some were really upset, they too said that funerals are for the living. I was torn, I continued to explain my decision...it was my fathers wish...well, my step mothers brother called me and said "I support your decision, you are doing what your father wanted, and keep in mind we could have visited him when he was alive...we didn't."
And, he was right, he gave me the permission to move forward and not feel guilty. There was no service, he was cremated and his ashes were placed in his crypt, next to his wife.
I keep his memory close, however, I live my life...that is what he would want for me, to live in today, not yesterday.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 119
Thank you again Dollydo, I just wish his family could give me their blessings. But I know it won't happen and I have to be strong. I'm really happy about going to 'our special place' which is where he would have wanted to be because it will be somewhere I can go when funds permit to remember him - instead of a grotty crematorium somewhere miles away. I realise I am starting to idolise him and he had been a drunken pig who messed up my life, but I did love him and I genuinely didn't wish this for him. Thank you though and everyone else who has cared amongst their own problems.
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