Starbaby928

Many of you here have partners or spouses that are alcoholics/addicts.

I'm a binge drinker... I hurt my partner physically on separate occasions. She asked for space... I got black-out and reached out to her. It wasn't pretty...

My question is how do I build trust with her again? I'm serious about staying sober. She means the world to me. When we last spoke I broke down. She changed her number but she called me from a blocked number. She said when she feels like talking, she will email or call me again.

I was NEVER even slightly abusive if I wasn't drinking.

Is there hope? Have some of y'all worked together to rebuild trust and move toward a relationship again? I know I have to let her have all the space she needs. But I'm just curious if this can be salvaged.

SparkleKitty

I think the first thing you can do is respect her request for space and allow her to be the one to reach out when she is ready.

Next, you can focus completely on your own recovery and let your concern for this outcome go. Only actions can work towards rebuilding trust. None of us can say what will happen. If you focus and you and on now, you give yourself the best shot for a fulfilling future.

I wish you strength in sobriety and recovery.

m1k3

StarBaby, welcome to the Friends and Family side of the house.

I can't answer your question directly because there never was any physical abuse from my AW. I can tell you there was plenty of verbal and emotional abuse. I separated from her 2 years ago. For me at least there is no way to rebuild the trust. We are friendly when we need to talk about things like taxes or see each other a family functions but if I never heard from her again that would be fine.

I do realize that I played a major role in this drama and I am working my own recovery. I have even forgiven her and myself for what happened.

I have changed too much to be even slightly interested in a relationship with her, recovered or not. Our marriage and a piece of me died during her last binge. I have moved on. I wish her no ill will but that relationship is simply part of my past and will stay there.

I can't speak for your partner but that is my feelings on the subject.

I wish you the best in your recovery and congratulations on your commitment to stay sober.

Your friend,

Starbaby928

I know that she deserves her space and I don't intend to contact her. I guess my question was more around how to successfully rebuild if she does reach out. Counseling, AA seem the best routes... I was just curious if any of you had this experience and came out on the other side... So to speak.

I know I don't deserve for her to do so... But I want to be prepared if she does.

SparkleKitty

I know this is an unsatisfactory answer (and I'm sorry!) but it's all I've got: Focus solely on being the best You you can be. Then no matter what happens, you cannot go wrong.

Best of luck.

MsPINKAcres

Wishing you the best in recovery & sobriety ~

I agree with the others - focus on you and if the relationship is meant to be restored, your HP will provide a way ~

Pink hugs

thislonelygirl

I agree with sparkle kitty. Give her space.
Abuse in any form impacts the victim regardless if you werent when not drinking.
Abuse can cause ptsd depression etc not to mention on top of it you being an alcoholic.
She needs time because she knows what addiction is and she knows first hand what its done between yall.
If your serious about sobreiry continue on the path andbshe may warm up but right nowvfor the both of you. Yall need a to heal first

thislonelygirl

If she does she does if she doesnt she doesnt.
What you can do is work your program and stay sober. That is how you handle it just as you would without her. For her she can reach out to be healthy as well.

FireSprite

Agreed with the others - work your program, say what you mean/mean what you say, do not contact her if she's asked you not to, follow through on the things you say you'll do (walk your talk!). Your program is most important.... you have to find & fix your own problems first & become a healthy person before you can even begin to worry about fixing things between the two of you. You can talk until you're blue in the face, but it's what you DO that matters.

Even then she may never be willing to try again - physical abuse is not something that you easily forget or get over, especially if it isn't just one isolated incident.

Good luck in your sobriety!

MeetJohnDoe

My ex and I took in many a woman who had been hit by man. (She worked for a shelter for battered women before I met her.) That is Rubicon that you crossed. You have to look deep within yourself, and fix yourself, without concern for you. Figure out why you did it. Words are cheap. You have to act as if you will never be with her again, and figure out the man you want to be. If you were truly meant to be together, some day maybe. But she has found her self-respect, and now thinks her happiness is elsewhere.

I have a younger sister who was beaten by husband. We tried to help her divorce him. He gave her all this sweet talk, then used the legal system to keep her children in the State. Now she has 3 young daughters in therapy, who hate to see Daddy, and are considering pressing charges because he doesn't know how to show affection

Learn from your mistakes, get sober, start afresh with no baggage. The memory of being hit never leaves. It scars the heart and the emotion and shapes all future thought. Now that you know this, you'll fix yourself and not repeat the same mistake.

Starbaby928

I am "walking the walk" right now by not drinking & building a support system to ensure that I live a sober life.

I come from abusive relationships so I understand the fall-out. I'm working through this one day at a time because this isn't who I am and I won't allow myself to continue.

There isn't any entitlement in what I'm asking... I was simply asking. I don't minimize what happened and what this must be like for her.

Not that it matters... But I'm a woman, like my partner.

Thanks to all for the encouragement regarding my sobriety.

CentralOhioDad

I pray for your continued success in your recovery - don't ever let your guard down.

Give her the gift of freedom to think, grow, repair herself physically and emotionally from all that's happened. As she grows and you grow, you may realize that you really aren't compatible at all as partners, and that's okay too.

As others have said - focus on you and what you need to do, and from there you'll become a better person all-around.

Best of luck to you.

C-OH Dad

CeciliaV

Hi starbaby - glad you hear you're taking action for your sobriety & recovery. I didn't experience physical abuse with my AH while he was drinking, so I can only try to imagine what kind of impact that had on your partner.

Rebuilding trust takes time and patience. Respecting her request to give her space and working on your sobriety/recovery are a good starting point. AA & individual therapy/counseling for you could be great for your recovery...if you're doing them for you and not for the hope of getting back together with her. It only works if you really want it for yourself.

If she does reach out to you, and if she's open to it, you can ask her if she is up for therapy, but given the complexity of the relationship, a couples counselor that is experienced with abuse & addiction would be a smart choice. I would also say that working on you is step one. Give her time to work on her. When you're both working your own recovery separately, only then can you work on you as a couple. Trying to fix the whole while the parts are still broken just doesn't work.

I wish you luck & strength in your sobriety & recovery!

heathersweeds

This is the thinking pattern thats keeps us sick. I am also a recovering alcoholic. Just because we make a decission to walk the right way, doesn't mean the people we have hurt will have a parade....for us. Do you see what I am trying to say? We still want good outcome. I thought the same way also. I had to dive in to my recovery program and learn how to change EVERYTHING. Learn why you chose to numb your pain, ask yourself if you are seflcentered, do you feel entitled? These are all key traits we alcoholics have to work on before we can be of any good to another human being. The pay off is huge, trust me!

Starbaby928

I by no means think she should celebrate that I've made a decision to stop drinking.

My question was about the WORK that others have done to rebuild these relationships when the time was right for them to engage their alcoholic/addict partners again.

She may engage with me again, she may not. Again, I don't believe I'm entitled to anything from her. I expect nothing from her. And I know if she does, it's not an overnight process. It will be a new challenge... And we will have to relearn roles in our relationship & set new boundaries.

I don't feel that she should praise me for making a decision I should have made before now. As I said, there is no entitlement...

Recovering2

My BF is 3 months into his sobriety and recovery. There was a lot of verbal and emotional abuse when he was actively drinking, it was devastating. I have been hurt to my core by him.

He is working hard at his recovery, and I witness that every day. I heard the "talk" in past relapse/recovery episodes, but this is the first time I've seen him do the "walk". He is focused on him, as it should be. I am focused on me. AlAnon, working with my sponsor and healing myself.

Do I trust him? Unequivocally...No. That will take a lot more time. Am I still hurt? Yes. But I'm getting better thanks to AlAnon, my counselor, and SR. He knows the only way back to us is to continue on his sober path. I guess the best advice I have for you is to stay focused on you and building a sober healthy life. Don't look to the future and the what if's. All you have is today. Show her that you are committed by your actions over time, hopefully she's working on herself. I wish you the best.

LexieCat

Star,

I don't know if you are familiar with this organization, but I thought I would throw it out there: Montrose Center. I've worked in the domestic violence field for many years, and I know that traditional "batterers' intervention programs" are usually not appropriate for abuse in lesbian relationships. Montrose Center offers counseling and resources for DV in the LGBT community. If you were to call them and get involved in some counseling to address the violence issue, along with your alcohol problem, that would potentially benefit you greatly, as well as demonstrating your commitment to changing ALL of the behavior that harmed your partner.

Just a thought. Don't use it as a tool to get her back, but if you are really concerned about addressing that issue, it might be a good place to do it.

Starbaby928

Recovery2- thank you. I wish you both well on that journey.

LexieCat- thank you so much! I'm in therapy now but she doesn't specialize in either addiction or GLBT relationships so I've been struggling... She means well but there are times when her observations don't resonate with me.

I truly appreciate the reference.

I will say that the great thing about Houston is that we do have many GLBT resources available... I'd rather never have needed them but I'm glad they're available to me now.

Shadydeal

Wishing you the best! I know for me words began to mean nothing but actions !!!!! So working on your recovery and changing your life! This will not only help you but improve your chances at any successful relationship.

Starbaby928

Thanks Sassydog... There are times where I still wonder how I let my drinking get so out of control... But you're right- words are cheap. We've parted ways for the foreseeable future. But I am working with a new counselor, thanks to LexieCat, going to AA everyday and creating a support system. I feel more like myself each morning I wake up sober. Not having my partner has been tough. But- she's also quit drinking & is working through some of her "stuff" in counseling. We had to tie up loose ends and finished that yesterday. I wished her well, told her I loved her and that I'm committed to changing... But only time will prove that true. I tell folks who asked why I got sober that I got sober for her BUT I stay sober for myself. I have to do this for me, which feels counterintuitive but I know it's true... External influences will come & go.

If God is willing, she & I will work things out... I have to do the right thing & let her go. Hurts like hell but clamoring for her would only exacerbate things... I want her to be happy & healthy.