Redheadsusie

I am a mess.....................I am taking some steps but AH making it so awful for me.so awfullllll... He is still actively drinking never stopped but I have realized he is just a mean person- I am ashamed I spent 13 years with someone who trulyhas zero regard for me and never really did I guess. I politely asked him to pay me back money he owed me - told him he needed to do the right thing- he said no flat out. I have since spoken to phone company to see how to cancel his phone without being charge a huge cancellation fee....... His arrogance his mean words - I can't take it - I asked him to not contact me- he wants to fight about the house - the little equity we have and I truly will just have to walk away as this is killing me - he will leave me broke and broken and he does not care. I can't get past the hurt - the anger - the sadness- all of it. He is already seeing someone after 2 months - 2 fargin months - and throwing it in my face - I need help- I need therapy- I am broke trying to get by and make sure I can move -today I will check into the County to see if they have some reduced price therapy. I am at a loss...................... **** it....................

TakingCharge999

I see leaving an active addict as surviving an hurricane... the hurricane will keep in its path of destruction and if you are still alive, you are already very lucky!

Its fine to feel the feelings, perhaps keep a journal? anyone else in your situation would feel the same way. This too shall pass.

I forgot if you already have a lawyer or someone in the middle to deal with his BS...

((Hugs))

TakingCharge999

Perhaps attend meetings would help, and they are free...

I used to go to AA groups as well as a respectful listener. It was very helpful to me. The main understanding was that alcoholism is way too powerful, I was never going to struggle with it and win. AA meetings helped me not to take it personal.

Of course this is not easy but the meetings helped me 'understand' its dimensions


About house, money, objects.. it hurts to lose them but all those might be recovered.

Your mental sanity, your health, your life is what has no price.


((More hugs)) We are here for you Redheadsusie.

Jazzman

Red my 2nd marriage turned out to be a $75,000 mistake. To this day I would still say you can't put a price on sanity. The hurt will heal, the house is just a house, it's not a home. Walk away with your sanity and call it quits. End all contact as soon as possible. Pull all financial plugs like ripping off a band aid, the sooner the better.

lillamy

Red my friend, breathe. You don't have to fix it all this instant.

I found that focusing on a to do list drained energy from the fear and panic I was feeling. One foot in front of the other. You will survive and live and thrive. You will. Hugs.

MamaKit

You can do this Red! You really can. Here's how I see it.
When you have created enough distance from him and you've begun to heal you will see that the stuff never really mattered. You will be grateful for your new life without him and all his venom, hurt and cruelty. I know this is hard and completely unfair that you have had to pay such a price for his addiction. Imagine it is like leaving a burning building. You would grab the things you could to preserve those material possessions - but you would save yourself and let those things go if it meant your life. Sweetie, this is your life!!!!! It's the only one you've got!!! Get to a place where you can live it and live it happily.
I completely started over financially. I lost EVERYTHING except some furniture. It is what it is....but I no longer have a pit in my stomach about coming home to a mean drunk. That alone is such a good thing.

I'm sending you all the support I can Red. Take care of yourself. Stay strong.
You can do this.

Hugs (((((((((Red))))))))
MamaKit

Tuffgirl

Why are you still talking to him? STOP talking to people when it makes you feel like sh*t afterwards! It really is that simple.

And secondly - why aren't you ANGRY that he treats you this way? Why let someone devastate you without putting up a damn good fight first? And by fight - I mean fight for yourself.

Susie, you strike me as an intelligent woman. A strong woman. And you've made it this far in life, regardless of this train-wreck of a marriage with an active A. You've been successful so far. Why let this ruin you as a person, as a woman?

So you made a mistake. We have all made them. But hon, you need to reconsider how you are framing all this in your head. I think you have been pretty courageous for staying so long and trying so hard to have a marriage, facing impossible odds. That shows your level of integrity and honor to your commitments. These are all traits to be proud of!

"As we think, so we are". Stop your stinkin thinkin! It makes you just as sick as he is. And I see nothing in your posts telling me you think it is worth it, being as sick as he is. This isn't something that is going to pass over time. This is something you decide right now to stop doing. And then take action to prevent it from ever happening again.

You can do this. Trust me. I did. Others have done it. You can too. But you have to choose it and get up everyday and make yourself do it.

Kind of like staying sober for the A. One day at a time, one step at a time. Let him go.

MsPINKAcres

I hate so much that you are going thru this ~ it is heartbreaking & painful to know that after many many years of doing all that you possibly can and more to provide, care and love someone that they would turn on you like a thief in the night to try to steal everything that you have worked for ~ That you will lose all material possessions, but guess what ~ there is something that can not be taken from you . . .

Your dignity, self-love and self-worth ~

No matter what - You & Your HP will be ok- in fact - YOU already are!!

So many of us have walked this path ~ we have lost almost everything except for the clothes on our backs, but we got out alive, as we know many of people don't that are affected by this disease ~

Please try to turn off the phone, there is nothing more than can be said that hasn't already been said in the 13 yrs you have been together ~ no more magic words that can change his mind, make him stop, make him be fair . . .
After all "Hurting people, hurt people"
He can only see his hurt and strike back with that pain ~ You my friend, are living life a different way ~
Release that, go and be free from all that ~ it's not easy to walk thru, but there is hope, joy, peace, laughter and freedom on this side ~

One Day at a time - you can do this - we have faith in you!!!

PINK HUGS!

nfijules

For me I had to walk away....you can NOT put a price on sanity! I could not be a productive member of society, a good mom, friend, employer, hanging on to my exhusband and trying to fix everything. I did go to counseling and it helped me tremendously. I moved out of my home and left everything. Long story short, it was the best thing for both of us. Granted, we are divorced, but are like best friends in a way. He found positive things in his life, while I found recovery. We were not able to do this being together, but separtated, and calmed down, we found a peaceful life. Let God be in control of this - step out of your way and see what neat things can happen!

AnvilheadII

susie, first i want to acknowledge that right now things are just plain mucked up. i get that. good news is they won't stay that way forever. better news is YOU have the power to change it!

i'd like you to really think about the words you use and the things you tell yourself:

I truly will just have to walk away as this is killing me - he will leave me broke and broken and he does not care.

it's not KILLING you, just very painful right now. ultimately it's JUST a house, a structure.

i prefer "temporarily underfunded" to BROKE...again it's all in the mental imagery.

you are not broken, you are still a whole unit, just a bit banged up and bruised.

here is where it STOPS being about HIM...that is over and done. he's a jerk, i think we can ALL agree on that! he's BEEN a jerk and will continue to be a jerk, it's what he does. your life will be greatly improved with him out of the picture!!!

if you haven't done so already, i urge you to get an attorney and let them deal with the legalities. you are no longer required to be nice or polite. cut all contact with him, for your sanity. it comes to no good. he is no longer relevant to the good life waiting for you just around the bend.

Redheadsusie

I sit here with tears streaming down my cheeks at the love and support you send me. I don't feel so alone and I am so grateful I can't tell you. You are all so smart and wonderful - words can't express by gratitude. I will work on everything you all said- I am worth it I know that deep down and need to bring that back to the surface. I know that and am reminded by my sons and my sisters and friends how strong and kind and wonderful I am. (blush blush) I did all I can- it is done - I am working on just having positivity in my life and without him I have a blessed life and am getting help for the legal stuff - I know if my Mom and Daddy were still here they would say - pick yourself up and get on with your life as you all have. I just am scared and I need to figure out why- I am capable - I am smart - I am healthy- I am a great person. I am blessed. I need to change the voices in m head to only speak love................ With love and kisses and I wish I could hug you all.......You are my lifeline............

outonalimb

((((((((((Red)))))))))))

Don't beat yourself up with a bunch of would of, could of, should ofs. You did the best you could with the tools you had available to you at the time. Without a doubt, you've given and given and given of yourself financially, emotionally, physically in an effort to help him and to save the relationship you thought you had. You've given enough already! Now, it's time to give to yourself. If you don't attend al anon, please go. It's the most loving thing you can do for yourself. If you can go no contact, do it. This is another very loving thing you can do for yourself. We can't heal when we keep opening ourselves up to their venom. If you can have an attorney deal with the logistics of the split, please do so. Focus all your love and attention on YOU. You can recover. You WILL recover. Change your focus from what he's doing...to what you're doing. Things WILL get better.

Hugs...
Mary

Tuffgirl

Write this down on a piece of paper and carry it in your pocket or purse. Whenever those voices of doubt start yapping in your head, read your words above. Train your brain to redirect to reality, instead of focusing on the negative. Become self aware of your own thoughts and the power you have to control them.

Keep your chin up. This too shall pass.

Rosiepetal

Dear Susie
I remember feeling just like you & all the BS that you face.
Go no contact with him.
If there is to be any correspondence then let a lawyer handle it.
Don't give in, fight for what is rightfully yours & your entitlements but do it through lawyers.
Try to focus on yourself & turn it around so that instead of thinking about him & all the BS he's caused you instead think of yourself & all your good qualities & the new things you can experience in your wonderful new future.
Look for what good is in your life & try to acknowledge all the little things in life that you can be thankful for. eg. a bird singing that made you feel good, any little things like that.
Big hugs to you, I know its hard but I know you can do this. xx

ShootingStar1

You are so brave! This is a terrible situation, and I think the measure is not that you sometimes feel overwhelmed, it is that you keep on rising back to the surface and seeing that, yes, you are worth it, and yes, you do have a future. And you WILL be totally free from him, soon.

For me, it's now almost 8 months that I've been gone from my abusive alcoholic intrusive husband. Today I was thinking that I have an internal and an external landscape, and today, his thoughts are NOT inside my head. He's done some outrageous things now with the required legal financial documentation, and said some things that are so hurtful in writing, but it is making me laugh. He wrote, under oath, that I (a woman) was impotent and had not ever consummated our almost 20 year marriage.

For the first time, I just don't care. It's a relief, it's freedom; I know I may slip back again, but I've been here and I'll come again. I've been laughing all day since I got his Court paperwork.

There is hope, this shall pass, and you're not alone.

ShootingStar1

dollydo

"I am capable - I am smart - I am healthy- I am a great person. I am blessed."

Yes, you are, every night, right before you go to sleep, feed your subconcious mind that thought, your subconcious mind is the controller of your mind and body and your concious mind only believes what it is fed by your subconcious. One day soon you will wake up with an entire new attitude and strength.

Your "stuff" is just that stuff. If you feel that you need more $$ to make it, look for a part time job, do whatever it takes.

I would go no contact, let your attorney deal with him, if your current attorney isn't agressive enough, hire a different one.

You are allowing him to take up too much of your brain space, he is controlling you, take back your power, tell him to stuff it, time to get mad and do what it takes to protect yourself.

LexieCat

I was SOOO happy to have a lawyer as a buffer when I split up with the last SO (not an alcoholic, but a major jerk). We owned property together. I drafted a generous settlement that was very fair--and more generous than the lawyer said I had to be but it was what felt fair to ME. The SOB still was complaining about not getting ENOUGH. BUT he was complaining to my LAWYER, not to me. It was so, so worth it not to have to deal with him directly.

Ultimately, as everyone has pointed out, "stuff" is replaceable. Your sanity and peace of mind are worth more than equity in a house.

I've gone through periods of time post-divorce when I was living paycheck to paycheck and holding my breath. Currently I am making what feels like an embarrassing amount of money--I'm getting my accumulated debt paid off. Fortunes shift. Being financially strapped for a little while isn't the end of the world. I have no regrets about walking away from what could have meant a little more in my pocket.

EnglishGarden

Alcoholics are so dangerous because addiction is fueled by resentments, so it seems the alcoholic sets up situations again and again which will serve to fuel his feeling of being taken advantage of, cheated, disregarded and disrespected! It's NUTS! HE IS THE PROBLEM! But as long as he's drinking, he will hoard his resentments the way Midas hoarded his gold.

So step away and keep away, Susie, as much as you possibly can. And start from scratch, as so many of us here have done. It can be a bit amazing when we decide we will walk away from money for a happier life--things start showing up, like old electric bill refunds and odd bits of help here and there we never expected. As if life is telling us we are doing the right thing--no one should be an alcoholic's emotional punching bag.

Patsy22

It is not personal how he is behaving to you. He is an alcoholic and has to blame someone else. Please step away, block his number on your phone and you will move on. It is difficult, I know that as I am currently trying to rebuild my life, but people will help and you will find you are happier, I am sure I will be. When it comes down to it material things do not matter. Hugs and good luck. You deserve it.

LadySage

Maybe you can re frame and just view it as "the alcohol has zero regard for you". I struggle with the disease theory of alcoholism and especially with people who refuse to treat a disease but in my early days of leaving have found it helpful to view it as such. I've been choosing to believe that we are both victims of a terrible disease and I am the one who is choosing treatment (being in a safe environment with safe people and support away from him). Maybe he's trying to be a vindictive asshat but take it with a grain of salt just like you would any other sage advice that might come from his mouth at this time.