mackie57

My fiance is a recovering alcoholic/addict and he has been in detox and also a halfway house and 3/4 house. This was the second time he went into detox. Well, he was clean for about 13 months and then started taking our dog's prescription, which is phenobarbital. He went to detox on 3/30 and came out and was staying at a shelter and his brother felt bad that he had to stay there and he asked if we could talk. I agreed and I told him that he could come back but he had to stay clean and had to do at least a meeting a day and join a group and get a sponsor. He has been going to meetings, but about 5 per week and has joined a group but still doesn't have a sponsor. I think as of yesterday he is using again, but I'm not sure what he is doing. He is acting differently and I know all the telltale signs. I want to approach him tonight but I just don't know what to say and I'm afraid if I say that I think he is using he will deny it. Can someone help me with advice on what to do?

Thanks,
Mackie57 (Carolyn)

LettingGo

Mackie....

Welcome. I am so glad you are here. You find all kinds of support and most of all find that you are not alone.

It really doesn't matter if he admits to using or not. You know inside what is going on. It is a divine gift that codependent spouses of addicts and alcoholics are given! Read around..... keep posting. Many will be here to welcome you.

Gabe

Hey Carolyn,
You're right, if you confront him, he will probably deny it. That seems to be the way the game is played. I always trust my gut feelings in situations like this.
It's such a big disappointment when this happens.
Stick around, there a people here who understand what you're going through.
Peace,
Gabe

kodfishy

Think about what your boundaries are. Are the parameters that you set when he returned your final boundaries? If not, what are?

If he violates your absolute boundaries, what are you willing to do in response? Are you willing to stay with him? Are you willing to let him stay in the house? Where do you draw the line to protect yourself?

You can't control what he does. If he's using, you can't change that. You can only control what you do.

Take care of yourself.

Daffodil

Hi welcome to Soberrecovery! We understand as few others can here on these threads.

I don't give advice but I do try to listen well, and suggest sometimes, Do you or have you been to any Al-Anon meeeting? Have you by chance read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie? Both of these things are what has helped me so very much.

Take a read around. The sticky Posts at the top of the foruum by smoke gets in my eyes is excellant. Do keep coming back so we can get to know each other.
Love and prayers from one who cares,
Daffodil

mackie57

I want to thank all who have responded. Just to update all of you, my fiance is now in the hospital. I called an ambulence on Friday morning and they took him to the hospital. He couldn't even stand up - I think he overdosed! He has been in the Mixed ICU since Friday. He still isn't himself. I told him that he could not come back home and that he had to go to a detox from there and then go through the whole process again and he asked what process? I told him he had to go back to a halfway house. He said "well, then I want my money back that I put into the house" and I told him "fine." He also said that he won't be able to go back to a halfway house because he has already been to one. I told him I knew he couldn't go back to the one he was at but he can go to another one. I'm sure there are many alcoholics/addicts out there that have been in and out of halfway houses, etc. Is this true? Any insight would be helpful and if someone can share their stories with me. I am so new at this and I have been to Al-Anon meetings, but noone seems to give me any answers.

Thanks,
Mackie57 (Carolyn)

mackie57

Just one more thing, Daffodil. Where do I find the sticky posts at the top of the forum?

Thanks,
Mackie57

boryad

Carolyn, I'm new at this "love an A" thing and fortunately, I love an extremely intelligent A who has the desire to become sober and clean and found his own way with a little nudging from me (after the fact, of course).

For ANYONE who is looking for recovery for their A (hopefully, the A is also searching for recovery), I've seen the Salvation Army referred to several times on this site. Another option (but, unfortunately not available to everyone on this planet) is the Veteran's Administration. They have a truly wonderful program for veterans of any branch of service.

Just an idea...I don't have much to offer in the way of support but if the suggestion helps just one person, then the Codie me has found a way to contribute.

mackie57

Hi SWC,

I have also read about the Salvation Army and will check into that or have him check it out. I guess now his doctor said that he needs to handle the depression first before anything and he is trying to get him into an inpatient facility.

Thanks for your response.

Mackie57