chickady

I have logged onto this site multiple times since discovering that my exabf was using again and wow have all of you people helped me!! It has been a miracle to have people to relate to and not feel alone!

I am a week out of the relationship and feeling like my old self and so happy to be back!! Everyday there have been tears but I feel as though, maybe, tomorrow I will have my first day without crying! I'd like to start with how it all began and where my journey led me to:

I began writing this very late and it is now "tomorrow" and I have not cried today. On to my journey:

A little about me... I have NEVER in my life dealt with ANY type of addiction. I did not grow up with family that had addictions to any type of substance. So this is how naive I guess I was.

I first met the guy when I was out walking with my roommate around our apartment complex. He and his roommate stopped the car to say hi to my roommate whom they knew as she worked at the apartments we lived in. Two months pass and he had pursued me to such great lengths and I just was not interested. He always talked highly of money and how his friends had all this money, nice things, did drugs growing up, had so many girls, etc etc. I've always thought of money as the root of evil and for this reason remained as a friend as I was not interested in such a materialistic person. We went out drinking a few times and he would do Molly. I always thought he was annoying on it, as he would not give up on trying to "hook up with me." One night I drove out about thirty miles to hang out with him and his boss and a couple other guys for drinks. We ended up in the same bed but of course nothing happened as I had previously stood my ground on not sleeping with someone again until I got into a relationship.

Then one day after the two months of always hanging out with him, the two roommates and myself... He got me alone for dinner. We went out... He was broke and I paid. Our "first date" and I paid. Now this does not bother me as we would always go as groups to eat and he would pay for us all/cook, etc. We had a couple drinks then met up with some of his friends. Speed forward a bit...

My roommate texts me one night or morning asking if I had touched her liquid Hydrocodone in her bathroom. Of course I say no, as I had no need for it nor would take anyone else's rx if it were not properly prescribed to me. He had gone into her bathroom the night prior that I recalled but I brushed it off. I asked him about it and he denied it and I figured she was lying because she was jealous that he gave me the attention rather than to her. I get laid off of my job but make money by temping at jobs. Fast forward: we begin dating. One week in and I leave for Europe for two weeks. Everything is great. I miss him greatly and can't wait to be back! We go to my friends wedding the following weekend... I'm a bridesmaid so I go alone and he goes up to the wedding with a friend of mine. He gets pretty drunk and then says he wants to have a guys night and if thats okay with me. His friends are in town and I wanted to have a girls night after the wedding so I'm cool with it. I take him to his friends and off they go. About an hour later, he texts me that he misses me and wants me to come where they are. Me and my friend don't want to go out alone so we go meet with them. He's extremely intoxicated and I find out that his friend, whom I'll call P gave him a Xanax to mix with his alcohol. The next morning he is falling asleep driving us back and he is very agitated. We drop my friend off and head to his parents house. I meet his parents after THREE WEEKS of dating him. I felt slightly uncomfortable at the thought of this as I felt it was a bit too soon but nonetheless I meet them. He is not coherent the whole day and when his mom comes into the room to talk to him he falls asleep mid sentence. I knew we had had a long night and I was tired as well so I just figure we are all hungover from the night before.

The following week I have surgery. My mom is in town taking care of me and he comes to visit. He goes into my roommates room and I hear him open a rx bottle, unzip his jacket and come out into the living room. He wants to spend time with me so I go with him back to his apartment. He goes into the bathroom, comes out with his jacket pocket unzipped, doesn't say a word and takes a swig of his Gatorade. I watch it all happen before my eyes. I do not say anything but my thoughts are swirling. We spend a little time together and he passes out on the couch almost instantly. I just sit there watching him breathe somewhat scared. I knew what he had just done.

I was the one sitting here recovering from surgery, not taking my pain medication because I have a high tolerance for pain. Turns out later on he had taken about 6-10 Hydrocodones. I tell his roommate first and ask what I should do. I then confront the aexbf and he comes clean. He tells me he did it and is sorry and it will never happen again. I believe him and think... It was just a slip up.

December (a month and a half into the relationship) then comes and I get on a new birth control. That week I begin to get pretty snappy. We begin to argue a bit more and I blame it on the birth control and apologize time and time again. I get upset because he always abuses and gives his roommate Ambiens and they are out of his rx within a week every time. He begins to become very agitated towards me, we go to his parents house again. He tells me.. I could see us in a house together like this one day and that he loves me so much. I notice he always goes to his parents bathroom first to get some of his dad's Ambiens and who knows what else is in there. He always opens the car door for me. He takes me to nice places to eat once a week. He holds me. He loves me for me and with no makeup on and everything feels uncomfortably right. There's a time when he takes $300 out of his bank account because he owes a friend money and I ask him for what and he becomes defensive. He says "Don't look into things you shouldn't." I kind of wonder why he gets so defensive but brush it off. He only makes about $14 an hour so maybe he just borrowed money. Oh well, right?

As we begin discussing Christmas gifts, he asks me how much I spent on him... I tell him it doesn't matter and he says because he wants to make sure he spends more on me. I tell him money is not the issue and to not get me anything if he does not buy it himself as he is usually always broke. We had gone looking for Christmas trees and he had promised we would get a REAL Christmas tree. I was so excited and couldn't wait to go shopping together for one and decorate it together. That weekend comes and he says the real ones are too expensive.. We go to the stores and even those are too expensive. I tell him it is okay. We can buy a tiny one for five dollars and I will be happy. He gets agitated and I can tell he feels like he's not "living up to the ideal boyfriend because he can not afford it." I assure him it's okay and that I'm happy just spending the weekend with him. Of course after gift exchanging... that he never wrapped for me but just gave to me in the store bags.. I realize his mom bought the gifts for me. I never say anything and love my gifts. I worked hard for his gifts and wrapped them up with love. (At this point I have been temping at an office that has now hired me -- I'm employed again! ) It's the end of the year, his friend comes into town. He does cocaine and gets really drunk. I feel inside a little upset but ignore it because he's only done it once since with me -- I was upset because he had told me that he hated cocaine because it gave him anxiety so I wondered... well why would you do something you don't like? He kind of ignores me during that night and I go off to meet other friends. He had promised to go with me the next morning to meet my dad for brunch. The next morning comes and he bails. He's "too hungover." I'm mad because the first time he wanted me to meet his parents and I had said maybe next time he says I will be really sad if you don't.

January comes and I take him home to meet my parents. He drives us there and is falling asleep at the wheel. The first time he is going to meet my dad and he asks what should I wear? I tell him anything is fine and he puts on some jeans, his boxers hanging out and a ripped up sweater. He's exhausted and very set on leaving at 3 after my brother's birthday because he needs to get back -- (for what? We had no plans... ) My dad is kinda iffy about him but says it was only a few hours of meeting him and he likes him better than my ex.

Ambien abuse remains, more agitation and he's hanging out with a certain group of guys that I just don't really like but hey they are his friends, not mine. I get an interview at a school a few hours away and he is so happy for me and wants to come with me to my interview. I tell him I need to be focused and no but that he can come pick me up if he'd like as I will fly there. He agrees. He complains and is agitated the whole drive back. The night before, his friend P had called him at 4 AM because "he was lonely." I point out that is kind of odd for a 28 year old man to be calling another man that late because he "was lonely..." Whatever, I brush it off.

Stress from school and a new job and a boyfriend who is always agitated and it begins to wear me thin. He is always broke, he never pays his bills on time and his parents even pay his rent! He is 26! I figure it's ok.. He just went to rehab a little over a year ago.. They have money and they are helping him out. His room is a MESS. No one is allowed to enter his closet or he gets so angry. I looked in one time and there were clothes EVERYWHERE. No walking space whatsoever just a MESS. His bathroom is gross, I'm very clean. I brush it off.. He's a guy. I'm a girl. I just like to be tidy. A lot of hanging out with P and his roommate. I don't suspect anything. Why should I? It's his friend... We go out to play golf one day and as we walk out we run into them. Every time we see him, I hear about how his car is a quarter of a million dollars... I don't care.................. Well P is kind of stand offish towards him as he has been previously.

Then comes my first break down.

All week he promises to take me out to dinner just me and him on Saturday. After work he goes to play golf with P and other friends.. we get into an argument because he says how about we just do dinner tomorrow because I'm drunk................. WTF. I was looking forward to this ALL week. Another broken promise. I'm done. I won't be able to trust him when I go to school. So I get his things together... do not hear from him until late. I tell him to come over right quick when he gets home and he does. I hand him his stuff and tell him this was a joke to the both of us and I won't trust him when I leave for school. He just stares at me with a blank stare and takes off. I freak out, I panic. This is how he described his ex breaking up with him. I feel horrible. I'm upset. What have I done? But I feel a bit of freedom. I go to his place to return a book to him that I also had at my place and he says he's disgusted with the way I handled everything, etc. etc. I walk back home and feel like something is taken off my chest. I feel free. Then I cry and freak out again. I go back because he has pictures of me on his phone and I don't want those getting around. He "deletes them for me" and I sit there sad.

My world is gone. His friends were mine. My life was slim in this new city. I tell myself he knew friends where I would be going to school.. I could have easily had a group of friends. What have I done?? I'm so sad. I regret it. I tell him. He needs time to think. This is mid January at this point. Three days later we get back together. We cry two of the nights together. I ask why did you do cocaine... Why didn't you tell me when you went to your shoulder doctor did you tell him that you got Hydrocodone? Did you abuse it? He says he feels so much shame and guilt and didn't want to tell me because he was embarrassed. He didn't know he had a refill.... Neither did I. I thought it was only one script.. Now I know he had two bottles of it.. He says he did not even finish one of the bottles. I tell him to just be open with me and I will do the same if something is bothering me. We will address it. I am here to help and if he needs me to give him one pill at a time... I will.

I never told him that I loved him until then. I was so upset with myself. I thought what I was doing was right but then felt so empty without him. But we are back together and I am so happy! We both agree we need to not stay together every night and need to start doing things together -- cooking classes, dance class anything.

The weekend comes, we stop at P's for "some Adderall" and head off to see his dad - few hours drive. Ambiens later and I just sit there and observe. His dad is very old school and traditional and "knows he deserves the best of things quality wise." We go to eat at a sort of beat up place... Greasy food, waitresses aren't top notch.. but hey who cares it's a cool place. He mentions that it's his kind of place and his dad says he realized that when he started making a lot of money he could do better than places like this. I find that kind of offensive as his son/my boyfriend likes it there. I'm okay with it too. I'm comfortable. Sure the food isn't the best but that's okay. The next morning we go to brunch and the dad is texting his daughter and laughing and I notice that his relationship with his dad seems a little empty at that moment. His dad mentions how between his two kids they went to eight different universities and then my boyfriend says well can I mention that we moved eight times because you couldn't settle down in one place when I started high school. "God I'm sick of you" he says to his dad... I see the hurt in his dads eyes.

It reminds me of times when he would tell me he used to get bullied in private school and he got kicked out for beating kids up. How his sister was always jealous of him because he was cool and she had no friends growing up. How she is always out to get him and rat on him. How he hates his job but needs to be there for now and could make good money down the road. I would tell him money doesn't matter if you aren't happy doing what you're doing.

We return back home after the weekend and that week in my head I'm thinking "Why did I get back with him? I'm miserable." He's still always agitated. Always itching his nose. I give him allergy medicine.. It doesn't seem to help. I begin researching Opiate Use symptoms... I start feeling a bit nauseous. He's always broke. He asks me for money one day I never have cash and would never give him cash. I tell him he can take one of my lunches with him to work to eat. It's pay week and he promises to buy groceries for us. Friday comes. We go out with P and his friends. It's a better time than usual but I'm still not comfortable with that group of friends. Then Saturday we go drink at a friend's house and it's a MESS of a night. He is beyond drunk... we smoke weed. He smokes a million cigarettes. (May I mention that the night we started dating... we were both really drunk and somehow I said yes if he quit smoking because I do not date smokers... for the smell and the taste of their mouth.. It's just a thing of mine. ----> broken promise... but he will smoke and shower and brush his teeth before coming around me every time. How ridiculous is that.) So I get upset... Argument.

The next day -- time to go to pharmacy for Ambiens. That night he takes a few. He passes out. I then find out that night was looking for pain killers from a guy who lives at the same apt complex. Apparently that is P's division.... I can't sleep and he is passed out. I tell him the next day that I have a dream that he has relapsed. He gets quiet. I tell him just tell me if that's true and he says no. He questions me about my dream for a couple hours that morning and that's that. That night, I know he is high. He takes A LOT of Ambien and I stare him straight in the eye and ask if he has relapsed. He begins to cry and tells me "everything. I saved his life." I tell him he can't do this alone. He needs help. He says he can do it alone. He's done it before and gone through withdrawal alone. I say no. You can not do this alone. We fall asleep. He asks if I will call into work and stay with him. I say no. I just got this new job. I've only been there a month. The following day we cry a lot more. I ask him Why... he says he has no answer. I ask again Why... He says for that moment of happiness. He says he's so sorry. So much pain in his eyes. So much pain in him. He says he has 6 dollars in his account and he just got paid two days prior. Where did $1000 dollars go in two days? I can only account for about 300. I'm devastated. I go home and he calls that night to tell me he called his drug counselor and if I would go with him to his meeting. I agree. We attend the meeting together. He says he had been snorting about 3 Roxy's/Oxy's a day. He says that SuperBowl sunday when I went to my own Superbowl party and he went to P's... He did it there too. He had been doing it only on the weekends and it had gotten bad the past month and a half. I had found checks in his room written to "his best friend" for $100 to P. I never knew why until then. He tells me that when he went to rehab, the first time his dad visited him... He looked at his son disgusted like ..."What? Did your shoulder hurt...? You couldn't just stop taking a pill"

Three days of crying, a drug counselor meeting and then 3-4 days of withdrawal. He goes home with me for the weekend. He is a completely changed man. He is not "full of energy." He is chill and relaxed and nice and tells me when he gets paid that weekend he will give me all the money and I can give him a daily allowance or however I choose. I tell him I am going to become "that psycho girlfriend" and he says its okay he doesnt expect me to trust him but with time I will. He says he won't drink for awhile either. He scrambles up twenty dollars for the weekend going back to my hometown. He says he is only going to spend ten dollars and then will spend the other ten when we get back for gas. When he gets paid, he will pay his bills first and we will grocery shop and because that week is Valentines he will take me to eat. He has plans and the week prior I had noticed certain signs of maturity.

That week he sells some of his Adderall. I ask how much he got.. He says 75. His gas tank that week is never full... He gets me a Valentines card. Nothing else to show his appreciation. (I tell him for Valentines all I want is his sobriety so I'm ok that I receive nothing..) I get groceries for the week and cook for him and roommate all week. I make lasagna for them for Valentines and all week I'm wondering if he's high. I'm wondering he should be home by now from work. What did he do with that 75 dollars. He has so much energy. He finally cleans his whole closet, empties out everything, reorganizes room. It looks great. But every night... in my mind... Is he high? The week before he had "dump and chucked the remaining 10-12 Ambien..." they went through 20 Ambiens in two days. I tell him no more Ambien.. you don't need it.. As I've noticed that he never has trouble falling asleep unless he "has things on his mind.. anxiety..." But when he does not have Ambien for the remainder three weeks he always gets better sleep and I see him fall asleep quickly.

Then it's Wednesday before payday. I cry because I think he's high. He promises he's not and he will "give me every penny of his paycheck Friday."

Friday comes.... he goes to drink with his boss and roommate. All week my Valentines dinner he had promised...and he says "I'm really tired from this whole week. Don't wait up for me if you get hungry. Just eat or I'll pick something up on the way home." I'm upset..... WTF.... AGAIN????????

We end up going to dinner at 9-10 PM. I'm miserable. He's not the same. He's falling asleep at dinner. I tell him. He says it's been a long week. ITS BEEN A LONG WEEK FOR ME TOO. I'm here, I'm alert. That whole weekend.. No paycheck given to me. He sleeps the whole weekend. I'm bored... I'm depressed. I'm miserable. This is not me. I watch FireProof Saturday night and he says... "Are you trying to put the lord in our relationship and laughes...." That upsets me as I'm going to start going back to church that weekend and he promises me he will go with me the next day. I brush it off. Sunday now... and I wake up to go get ready for church... He says he is just going to stay at home. Broken promise.... Groceries... Broken promise...... I'm going to get you gas for your car... Broken promise.... He was going to pay his bills...... Didn't happen. He was going to buy a chain for the saints I bought him since he had given his away to a younger drug addict.... I spent my LAST PENNY on him that week. I lived with $0 for six days. Now my money is strict as I pay my own rent/my own bills/I was buying groceries/my gas and I am headed to Ireland in a couple weeks so was saving up spending money....

For Christmas I had asked for windshield wipers.... I didnt get that. Instead I got brand name crap... Things that I loved and appreciated by all means but $200 dollars worth of things and no windshield wipers.... That sounds greedy of me I KNOW... I'm just trying to make a point. I did not need these "fancy things." Broken promise. Broken promise. Broken promises.

I go to church and off to see a friend. He knows something is wrong because I am being short. I finally bring up the paycheck thing and he says "I did not think it was necessary. I just meant to make sure I don't impulse buy like at a store." BROKEN PROMISE........ WTF..... I say This is one way you can PROVE to me..... This week too he had told him mom because he needed a new Iphone due to shattering his last one... he would pay $100 when he got paid and she could pay $100. She also paid for his dry cleaning..... I wondered WHY CANT YOU JUST WAIT FOR THESE THINGS.......... UNTIL YOU GET PAID....... The $100 dollars he owed his mom for the phone ... HE DIDNT PAY HER....... The $100 dollar speeding ticket his dad kept on him for... it was $75 at one time but since he did not pay it late fee $25... ---> $100..... WHO PAID THAT..... His mom...... He had called that week saying I took care of the ticket....... HE HAD JUST MADE 75 bucks off the Adderall TAKE CARE OF IT YOURSELF........Saturday night I had had a dream that he took one pill.. because he thought he could control it.... I also had a dream that night he broke up with me.....

I'm angry. It's all lies. This is not right. We do not sleep together that night. Then Monday after I tell him that I wish I didn't care and that I was changing into someone I was not.... I went to meet a friend for a drink but instead talked to many friends on the phone about what I was going through...He says it's in your best interest to come home now and not go see your friend... We need to talk... blah blah blah..... He comes to my place that night. Brings me all my things and takes all his. He says we should not date... Because I am on his case.. He feels as if he is always walking on egg shells with me. That I am hot and cold. I AM MISERABLE. I feel a little weight off my shoulders, though. I do not argue that we shouldn't be together. We hug for a long time, cry and he leaves. I cry all week. He says he is starting to rethink things. He is miserable. He is alone. The only place he feels safe is with me and at the drug counselor meeting. It is Monday, then Tuesday, Wednesday (did he go to his drug counselor meeting.. I wonder... but I doubt it which tells me he went for me and not for himself even though he said it was for himself and that it felt good to be back there).... Thursday, a friend of mine who was a drug addict and is 7 months sober (I am proud of him) comes over and he gives me his take on things and tells me all the lies he used to tell his exgf. That he would do anything to have the girl and the drugs... All he had to do was put up with a little bitchin here and there .. and she wouldn't leave. She finally did and he thought "Now I can enjoy my drugs without feeling guilty"... That night he goes with me to leave all his things in his car (I had a car key of his... and I feel his car key in his gas tank) I let him know.... Then its Friday...

I'm still crying EVERYDAY... Hard... I am empty without him. I need him, I tell myself. I love him. I go out of town for the weekend and I receive an email from him that night A VERY LONG EMAIL... I forward it to my exa friend and he says it sounds like manipulation and that they are very good liars and how he loved the drugs more than his family more than anything so to keep being strong and I was doing the right thing...

I cry Saturday, hard Sunday on my drive back home. I go to church, I finally come clean to everyone about what I've been going through, my family, my friends... EVERYONE. My support that weekend is AMAZING. But I still cry. He says he deleted my number so he won't bother me and how he can't see his future without me. I am sad. But after church, and attempting to attend a Nar-Anon meeting that night (did not go in because it was VERY DARK OUT and it was in the ghetto so I'll have to go to one during day time!!) because I do realize I have a codependency problem on him and his addiction. I tell my roommate everything and she begins telling me things... We talk for awhile and hear a knock on the door or as if something fell. We ignore it. As we leave for the meeting... he had left a shirt that was his that "he had given me" on our apartment door handle... WTF AM I GOING TO DO WITH THIS ****.... I got rid of EVERYTHING... cards, dried pressed flowers, clothing, everything. I even threw away the Christmas gift he gave me. It smelled of smoke and as if he had sprayed a LOT OF COLOGNE too. Me and my roommate went and left it on his apartment handle as I wanted to send the message of NO.

Today is finally Monday -- my one week sober of him. I did not cry today. I do not feel the need to cry. I feel the love of God, my family and so many of my friends. My sadness was very minor. Writing this all brought it back some... But I know this is all for the best. I do not want to be codependent.

Through this all, he tried to get me to take Ambien because I would sleep better.. when I've never had a problem with sleeping. I always said no. He said I should move in with him because I didn't like living with my "miserable roommate." When his friends were using back home he would get so angry at them. One time he yelled at his friend and called multiple rehab centers to get him help. I remember mentioning this when he came clean about relapsing and he said he cared about others but not about himself.. He did not love himself.

I also did not end up getting into school... but life goes on for me and that was not my calling for now.

I pray for the day he decides to become clean. I pray he gets rid of all of his pain. I wish I could be there to help him through his recovery but I know that I have to work on me. I am more important than him for he did not truly love me and he is in a selfish mindset.

I can say that just being with him for 4.5 months though turned my life upside down. I hated my job.. I was miserable and my mom could see all these things. Today I did not hate my job. I see life with different eyes. I have always viewed nature as something beautiful and serene and God given and I truly can't wait till the day I am over him completely. I do not feel the pull from his demon anymore today and I feel peace.

EnglishGarden

I'm glad you are on a better path and I think many readers who are dating addicts will appreciate your story.

Your description of his criticism of you "being on his case", his accusation that you made him "walk on eggshells" and his pronouncement that, therefore, the two of you should not date. . . made me sad. Sad for all the vulnerable people out there in love with addicts, vulnerable people who believe the addict when he says that he is not the one with the problem.

He will probably show up again, maybe more than once or twice. It is part of the script, it seems. I hope you continue to choose a healthy life. All the best to you.

chickady

Thank You EnglishGarden for reading my VERY long story and responding... I wanted to write it to show the details of what it was like... and hopefully someday it will help someone realize those same things are happening to them. I do not EVER want to go back down the path that I created with an addict. I have to remind myself every day that superficially he may be a good person and so many people believe that he is... But he is NOT a good person because he is NOT healthy. I have come to realize that his "feeling as if he was walking on eggshells" was due to HIS knowledge of the WRONG things that HE was DOING. My every "complaint" was due to me being correct and following my gut instinct.

lesliej

hi chicklady,
in answer to your question on another post...no, nar-anon and al anon do not cost money! they may ask for you to put a dollar in the basket to help pay rent, etc., but you are never turned away if you can't afford the dollar! I highly recommend you try a few meetings!

often when we codependents separate from the addict we go through our own withdrawal

getting the support you need will help you, and the support you need is from people who have walked your path. people who have not often have a hard time understanding and can even trigger your codependency...

have fun finding a great meeting for yourself!!

pianogirl1193

I'm glad you did what you thought was best for you (and I agree that it was!) It can be so tough. I broke up with my long term ABF (ex now) almost 3 weeks ago. It is literally the hardest thing I've ever done! So i totally get where you are coming from... It is so good that you are being honest with yourself about what it was really like (depressing) rather than to glorify it (remember the good parts and leave out the bad parts). Keep going to meetings! I really think they will help you. Thanks for sharing your story. hang in there!

Lily1918

this is so true. we do go through withdrawl, and for each one of us the withdrawl is different. al anon and nar anon are great places for support

chickady

EnglishGarden, may I add that the night we broke up he told me that I had handled and was handling his "recovery" in the worst way possible. That I!!!!! Considering there was no recovery.... !!!!

Lily, it's sad that this disease grabs hold of us as well and so true we go on our own type of withdrawal. I am 4 days in of NC and 7 days out of hell. Keeping track of my own progress helps me too.

dollydo

Welcome...you are correct, he is not your Mr. Right. One heck of rollercoaster ride, I am glad that you had the sense to jump off the ride from h#ll.

If you haven't done so, read the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs.

lonelygirl24

Bless your heart :/ I was tricked/lied to and ended up pregnant by my aexbf.......Its a terrible thing to be part of.........we have been seperated for 10 months now. I left cause I wanted a better life for my daughter which has made it much easier..........the only downside is we are now in custody battle. But I am proud you realized he was bringing you down and changing you. You deserve better!!!