something's broken.
Crazy Cat Lady
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
something's broken.
I'm at my Grandpa's wake. I'm afraid there's something broken in me. I have no real emotion right now. I am not sad. I feel no loss. I am just numb. My last drink was Wednesday. My therapist has talked about me being emotionally closed off. I guess this is part of it. If i'd had a drink, i could cry some. I mustered up a few tears for show so i could fit in. I'm mostly worried about my family members and how they will cope with the loss but i have no true emotion on the matter. I could be watching TV or knitting and have just as much emotional involvement as i have in this wake and funeral. I love my Papa. He's a special person to me and i'll miss him. But my heart is just shut down and i'm worried that there's something deep inside of me that is very, very broken.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE and then South some more
Posts: 2,648
DG, you're not broken. I don't think you are. You know, I cried so much when I first got sober that now when things are down, nothing comes out of me. I feel like I should be crying, but nothing.
I don't know what you've been through, but for me I had been through so much and had enough pain that other things, once I got past it all, just didn't seem to move me like they did for other people.
It's not that I care any less, but I think that all I went through just made me that much stronger emotionally. I don't know if that is how it is for you, but in any case, I don't think you're broken.
Maybe you're even just still in shock of it all too, you know? Give yourself a break, there are no rules on how you're supposed to feel, and we're all different. Hope you're okay, hang in there and thanks for sharing with us.
I don't know what you've been through, but for me I had been through so much and had enough pain that other things, once I got past it all, just didn't seem to move me like they did for other people.
It's not that I care any less, but I think that all I went through just made me that much stronger emotionally. I don't know if that is how it is for you, but in any case, I don't think you're broken.
Maybe you're even just still in shock of it all too, you know? Give yourself a break, there are no rules on how you're supposed to feel, and we're all different. Hope you're okay, hang in there and thanks for sharing with us.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 70
This sounds like shock to me, DG. You're not obligated to grieve in any particular way on any particular schedule, and you're certainly not obligated to cry on cue to fit in. Give yourself a few days, even a few weeks, to allow your feelings to surface in their own time. (((hugs)))
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,492
DG, I'm sorry for your loss.
I think you will find that when you stopped drinking for awhile, your emotions will work again. Alcohol is a depressant and I know it messed with my mind in many ways. Give yourself a little time in recovery.
I think you will find that when you stopped drinking for awhile, your emotions will work again. Alcohol is a depressant and I know it messed with my mind in many ways. Give yourself a little time in recovery.
Crazy Cat Lady
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
I don't think it's shock. I just have a hard time feeling things. My smiles are forced and my tears are fake. The only thing that i really seem to feel anymore is fear and worry.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 457
I feel like that sometimes too. Other times I feel emotion overload.
I have to really work on caring about other people. I know I have it in me to be the thoughtful, kind, loving person that I admire in others.
Things will improve with time if you work on it, like everything else, it takes practice.
I have to really work on caring about other people. I know I have it in me to be the thoughtful, kind, loving person that I admire in others.
Things will improve with time if you work on it, like everything else, it takes practice.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 328
DisplacedGRITS, your posted resonated very strongly with me. I don't think you're broken, and I don't think it's alcohol-related either.
My grandfather on the mother's side died when I was 20-21. I was unable to attend the funeral because I had mid-terms and the funeral was back in the old country.
Of my relatives, he was without a doubt the one I was closest to, sixty years apart and we were like two peas in a pod... but I felt nothing. It's not just that I didn't cry, I don't cry unless I'm super-hammered, but I was honestly feeling nothing. I knew I should be sad, I pretended to be sad, I even felt guilty for not being sad... but deep down I felt the same as if nothing had happened.
A few months later, I was hanging out with a friend and he said it was nice to see me back to normal. I asked him why and he replied that I had been visibly upset for awhile. Looking back on it now, I realize I had been upset over his death, very much so in fact, I just didn't realize it on a concious level.
I'm not saying it's the same deal for you, but maybe it is.
Condoleances for your loss.
My grandfather on the mother's side died when I was 20-21. I was unable to attend the funeral because I had mid-terms and the funeral was back in the old country.
Of my relatives, he was without a doubt the one I was closest to, sixty years apart and we were like two peas in a pod... but I felt nothing. It's not just that I didn't cry, I don't cry unless I'm super-hammered, but I was honestly feeling nothing. I knew I should be sad, I pretended to be sad, I even felt guilty for not being sad... but deep down I felt the same as if nothing had happened.
A few months later, I was hanging out with a friend and he said it was nice to see me back to normal. I asked him why and he replied that I had been visibly upset for awhile. Looking back on it now, I realize I had been upset over his death, very much so in fact, I just didn't realize it on a concious level.
I'm not saying it's the same deal for you, but maybe it is.
Condoleances for your loss.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
displacedGRITS,
you just stopped drinking. someone just died. two huge events, both involving incredible amounts of "processing.
when i first got sober, it took me well over a year to cry again. and i'd had no problem crying when i drank. i didn't get numb when drinking, but sure did when i quit.
this worried me, needless to say. what the hell was wrong with me??? had i turned into an unfeeling cement block? seemed like anger, hurt and loneliness were feelings i could feel/access, though not too deeply, either.
a very wise person told me that emotions come in their own time.
sounds obvious, i know, but i hadn't believed it til it happened. i could cry again.
in retrospect i can come up with all kinds of theories why this took so long, theories such as: it was just too too scary and dangerous to let anything that big come up and touch me; the terror of being grabbed by overwhelm was masked by rock; the whole thing was too unsafe; heck, everything was unsafe, i was unsafe to myself when i first got sober; encased in rock but naked at the same time...
never mind. often, i think, there is a mechanism of "denial" that's a positive; something to protect us from stuff we're really not capable of looking at/feeling/handling at the moment.
the feelings will come in their own sweet time.
if you were a cold stone person, you'd not be here worried about it and posting.
you just stopped drinking. someone just died. two huge events, both involving incredible amounts of "processing.
when i first got sober, it took me well over a year to cry again. and i'd had no problem crying when i drank. i didn't get numb when drinking, but sure did when i quit.
this worried me, needless to say. what the hell was wrong with me??? had i turned into an unfeeling cement block? seemed like anger, hurt and loneliness were feelings i could feel/access, though not too deeply, either.
a very wise person told me that emotions come in their own time.
sounds obvious, i know, but i hadn't believed it til it happened. i could cry again.
in retrospect i can come up with all kinds of theories why this took so long, theories such as: it was just too too scary and dangerous to let anything that big come up and touch me; the terror of being grabbed by overwhelm was masked by rock; the whole thing was too unsafe; heck, everything was unsafe, i was unsafe to myself when i first got sober; encased in rock but naked at the same time...
never mind. often, i think, there is a mechanism of "denial" that's a positive; something to protect us from stuff we're really not capable of looking at/feeling/handling at the moment.
the feelings will come in their own sweet time.
if you were a cold stone person, you'd not be here worried about it and posting.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
One of the big reasons I drank was to change the way I felt, and I still have to work at accepting my emotions and allowing myself to feel whatever I'm feelings at the time.
I hope you don't judge yourself too harshly, DG..... It sounds to me like you cared very much for your Grandpa and he'll always have a special place in your heart. More than emotions, it's what he meant to you that counts.
I hope you don't judge yourself too harshly, DG..... It sounds to me like you cared very much for your Grandpa and he'll always have a special place in your heart. More than emotions, it's what he meant to you that counts.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
maybe this is relevant maybe not DG.
I've suffered 3 deaths in the last 6 months - the first I could not grieve at all until later. on..the second I grieved a little but again not right away...the third time I had a fairly normal reaction.
6 years on in this recovery rodeo and I'm still getting thrown occasionally
Don't be too hard on yourself DG - your reaction is your reaction - it's noone elses, and more to the point, it's noone else' s business
D
I've suffered 3 deaths in the last 6 months - the first I could not grieve at all until later. on..the second I grieved a little but again not right away...the third time I had a fairly normal reaction.
6 years on in this recovery rodeo and I'm still getting thrown occasionally
Don't be too hard on yourself DG - your reaction is your reaction - it's noone elses, and more to the point, it's noone else' s business
D
Crazy Cat Lady
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
Thanks for all the helpful replies, everyone. I'd been sober from March 8, 2012 until early January this year. I've been in a mild to medium one month bender. I haven't slipped back into round the clock drinking again but one is too many. I can't have one...i can't have enough. The only reason i haven't slipped farther is because i refuse to drink hard liquor and i won't drink early in the day....for now. I know i've gotta quit. I'm hitting meetings daily. I'm not drinking tonight.
So, we prayed the rosary tonight. Part way through, i started to get choked up. I wasn't sure what was going on but part of me thought "hey, i don't care where this is coming from. This is good." Then i shut down. Like icewater had been poured on me. I don't know what's wrong with me but that's what seems to happen. I start to "feel" or whatever that is and then this crazy icewater hits and shuts it all down. I'm really fed up with myself.
So, we prayed the rosary tonight. Part way through, i started to get choked up. I wasn't sure what was going on but part of me thought "hey, i don't care where this is coming from. This is good." Then i shut down. Like icewater had been poured on me. I don't know what's wrong with me but that's what seems to happen. I start to "feel" or whatever that is and then this crazy icewater hits and shuts it all down. I'm really fed up with myself.
Crazy Cat Lady
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
Originally Posted by Dee74 
PS
I hope you'll see your P-doc when you get back too DG - it's always possible at least some of this emotional disconnect is illness based as well?
D
I hope you'll see your P-doc when you get back too DG - it's always possible at least some of this emotional disconnect is illness based as well?
D
Clear Eyes Full Heart
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,272
DG, I don't think you're broken, you're just healing. Many of us used booze to deal with all kinds of emotions and it takes a long time to balance out years of that strategy. When my dad passed I was in my early 30's and was living a heavily drinking lifestyle. I felt numb for at least 6 months. I felt like you described-almost frozen. That was 20 years ago, and now, after 7 months sobriety I find myself mourning him and even being able to cry once in awhile. I haven't cried for years. Sometimes when we're overwhelmed we need to just get through each day and see what the future brings. I'm very sorry for your loss.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: VA
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by DisplacedGRITS
I'm at my Grandpa's wake. I'm afraid there's something broken in me. I have no real emotion right now. I am not sad. I feel no loss. I am just numb. My last drink was Wednesday. My therapist has talked about me being emotionally closed off. I guess this is part of it. If i'd had a drink, i could cry some. I mustered up a few tears for show so i could fit in. I'm mostly worried about my family members and how they will cope with the loss but i have no true emotion on the matter. I could be watching TV or knitting and have just as much emotional involvement as i have in this wake and funeral. I love my Papa. He's a special person to me and i'll miss him. But my heart is just shut down and i'm worried that there's something deep inside of me that is very, very broken.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,040
First, sorry for your loss. I think we all grieve in different ways. There are times when a thought, memory, or even a song/tv show will make me cry and times when something terrible happens and I seem to hold it together.
I know you are having a tough time right now, and just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you.
I know you are having a tough time right now, and just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 603
I cry at the the drop of a hat. Any hat. It's not sadness per se. I'm just an emotional mofo. I just tear up for no reason. But surely there is a reason. I don't specifically feel bad, just succumbed to emotion, beauty, etc.
Why does God make so much beauty only to take it away? I'm speaking in a general sense, and I don't even believe in God, so it's a rhetorical question.
Rather than intelligent design, it seems like indifferent design.
God's game of hide and seek is so masterful that no matter how much I squint, I can't see where he's hiding.
Why does God make so much beauty only to take it away? I'm speaking in a general sense, and I don't even believe in God, so it's a rhetorical question.
Rather than intelligent design, it seems like indifferent design.
God's game of hide and seek is so masterful that no matter how much I squint, I can't see where he's hiding.
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