patmamma

So my husband and I are separated, (only 2 weeks), because he has had a series of relapses and is now living in a sober living house. The trouble was bound to happen as he has been working here everyday, and I have been seeing him every day. Well, today, I happened to text him at around noon about a question. I didnt hear back. No biggie. But when I came home, he wasnt here as he usually is. He seemed really odd this morning. I finally panicked and called and called, and called. He called me right back saying he went back to his sober living house today because he was feeling weird today and needed to be with people. It sounded like he was slurring his words a little and I think he is lying about what he did today. My codependant side is panicking, trying to hear him say more so I can see if his words are slurring, etc, and worrying that he is okay. Obviously i shouldnt do that, I know. I am just not even close to strong right now. If he isnt doing anything like he says, then I feel crazy! Im so new to this. I know its easy to read this and say I should detach, but I am having a very hard time not panicking. I just need help calming down and being smart. Help!

Manmust

Hang in there. It will pass. Consume yourself in you, as its the only one you can control.

LexieCat

I understand you are worried for him, but you will find out soon enough if he has been drinking.

See, this is why having him continue to use your home for the studio is a bad, bad idea. If he weren't coming over you would not have even been aware of this. You wouldn't have noticed whether he was there or not, would not have had reason to contact him.

You do not need a ringside seat for this performance. I suggest that you give him a deadline to find some other place for his studio so you can live in peace while he sorts himself out (or not).

dollydo

He may have relapsed, he just got out of rehab and he should be in a structured enviornment like a SLH. Working and seeing you everyday may be too much stress for him.
His focus needs to be totally on his recovery.

Have you been to any meetings? Read Codependent No More? The stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs? If not, I would suggest that you do all of the above.

Freaking out isn't healthy for you or him. Give him some space, let him work on his recovery, he is an adult, he is responsible for his recovery, you cannot do it for him. The last thing he needs right now is alot of stress from you. Take this time to work on you, get yourself healthy.

patmamma

Great advice LexieCat. I tried to bring that idea of me needing him to not come over, and I don't know if it was his condition, or what, but he felt like I was punishing him because he was"doing the right thing" by going to his sober living house. It's like he can't understand why I'm so stressed. I don't care if he likes it or not, I hate this crazy side of myself and I need to get well. I like the idea of the deadline! It will help him and it will more importantly help me! I agree, a ringside seat is not good. I'm too raw! I also am prioritizing the counseling I so desperately need!

patmamma

I have attended two al anon meetings, am reading from courage to change, and am working hard to get counseling. I also agree that it's not good for either of us.

dollydo

Right now staying in the SLH is the very best place he can be.

I am glad that you are going to meetings, and therapy might be of great help to you.

Sending support your way.

bless5

I had a light bulb moment and it made all the difference. I could not help my AH recover because IM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC!!!! He needed to develop relationships with other recovered alcoholics because they had walked in his shoes. Step away and work on you, and let him own his recovery.

Seren

Someone here once said: "Rarely have I seen a situation improved by the application of shear panic."

It reminds me that allowing myself to spin completely out of control because of something over which I have no control will do absolutely nothing to change the situation.

I do hope you are feeling a bit better! Try and get some rest tonight--sleep always helps me.