WalkAlone

Hi guys, first post here so it's nice to meet you all. Sorry if this is a bit long. I just need to get my feelings of frustration out, and maybe get some advice as nothing I've done so far seems to be working.

My dad is an alcoholic. He lives with me and my mother but they aren't in a relationship. I'm in my early twenties and I live at home. For years now my dad has been an alcoholic. He would NEVER admit this of course, he's in constant denial. But he is an alcoholic, he's always loved a drink.

Don't get me wrong, when he's sober he's the best dad I could ask for. But he isn't sober very often and I hate the person he is when he's drunk. He's mean, nasty and selfish and because he's constantly drunk, I'm starting to resent him even when he's sober. I find I don't want to talk to him or have any kind of relationship with him because of the resentment I feel towards him.

His problem is so bad he got banned from driving a few years ago for DUI. Over a year ago he got taken into hospital because he was vomiting blood in work. When I went to see him in the hospital with my mother he went into shock and he could of died. Turns out the problem was he had a tear in his windpipe and that's what was causing the vomiting. It was the scariest moment of my life and I never want to see him like that again. I thought I was numb to all this but I'm crying now as I'm typing, just remembering it. I don't suppose I'm used to getting it all out like this.

After he came out of the hospital, even though he insisted it had nothing to do with his drinking, he stayed sober for a whole month and it was great. We did things together and I just loved having him back to the person I thought I'd never see again. But despite all of this, he slowly started slipping back into his old ways and he's been the same ever since.

I'm slowly seeing him deteriorate and I can't do anything about it. As soon as he finishes work in the morning, he goes the pub. Before he goes into work of an evening, he goes the pub. He drinks in the house. And my mother told me that a few weeks ago she was looking in his pockets for some change and found a rolled up money note in there. Rolled up to sniff cocaine through.

Now I have suspected for a while now he might have been taking cocaine because of his behavior when he drinks and what my mother told me has just confirmed my suspicions and hers. I keep telling her to either kick him out or make him get help, but he won't even admit he has a problem so he's not going to get the help he needs. I think she's worried about money and that's why she won't kick him out as she can't afford all of the bills just on her salary alone and I'm out of work at the moment, trying my hardest to find a job.

So along with the drinking, I now have the possible drug taking to worry about too. I know he's not going to last long if he carries on like this and I feel like I'm just watching him kill himself and I don't want to lose my dad at this age.

He's out in the pub now as we speak, straight from work. He's not eating properly either. I just don't know why he's doing this. He hasn't got a bad life. He's got a job, a daughter and he's throwing it all away. When I try to tell him how I feel he's drunk anyway and I just end up getting so angry and screaming at him in frustration because nothing I say gets through to him. He'll be standing there completely roaring drunk and still protest he's sober, his denial runs so deep.

If I had money and a job I'd move out right now and get away from it all but I can't. I don't have any family I can stay with either.

Sorry for rambling, I just had to get it all out as it seems like it's never going to end. And if it does, it's going to end badly with a lot of hurt and pain.

Thanks to anyone for reading, and even more thanks to anybody who responds.

deeker

Hey I don't know where you live but have you heard of Al anon ? I would google it, It will help you detach. Prayers your way.

dollydo

I am the daughter of an alcoholic, it is my mother, she is 87 and has been drinking for over 66 years...non-stop...daily.

I would suggest Alanon, reading the stickeys st the top of all of the Family & Friends Forums and cynical one's blogs. Also, here are a few books that have helped me:

Adult Children of Alcoholics.....Janet Geringer Woittitz
The Adult Chrildren of Alcoholics Syndrome....Wayne Kritsberg

There is also a forum here for ACOA's.

I am sorry that you are having to face this, I feel your pain.

SparkleKitty

My mother is an alcoholic. It is a terribly painful disease for both the alcoholic and all who love them. It is confusing and frightening and I am so sorry it is such a significant part of your life. Know that you are not alone. There are so many people all over the world who have been where you are, and we understand what you're feeling.

Keep coming back here, keep talking about it, and most of all, keep reading. There is a wealth of experience, strength, and hope here for you.

Recovering2

Hi WalkAlone, and welcome. I'm sorry you're in this situation, but glad you found this site. Alcoholism is a "contagious" disease, in that all of us who love the alcoholic become ill from the disease as well. We behave in ways "normies" don't. We feel stress, anxiety, anger, etc. As much as we want to talk sense into an A, they just aren't able to hear it. So all our talking, screaming, and ranting at them only effects us. We feel worse, and they carry on as usual. They may have a loving home, great family, good job, money, etc. It doesn't matter. When they are in the grips of the disease, it is the only thing their brain cares about. Nothing else matters.

The first thing I learned when I joined AlAnon is the 3 C's. I didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. If you're not in a position to move out of the house, then you will have to find ways to detach from your Dad's behaviors so your own life can be a little more peaceful. I would STRONGLY encourage you to seek out AlAnon. You will find you are not alone, and will gain so much from the experience, strength, and hope in those meetings.

Keep posting, it's a good way to release your feelings and gain wisdom.

WalkAlone

deeker: Thank you for the prayers. I have googled al anon, sounds like something that may help me. Thanks for recommending it.

Thanks for all of those suggestions and the welcome dollydo, I'm definitely going to check them all out. I'm sorry that your mother is an alcoholic too and you've had to go through it. I hope that you continue to grow strong and get through it ♥

Hi SparkleKitty. I'm sorry for what you've had to go through. You're right, it causes so much pain for the people who love the alcoholic too. I don't think I'm ever going to be able to understand why they do it. But I'm glad there are people here like yourself who understand and I can know that I'm not alone.

I hope you are coping well with your situation, and I hope that you too are able to find strength ♥

Thank you for the warm welcome and kind words, Recovering2. They have made me feel a bit better knowing that I can't control it as that's all I've been trying to do. I've been trying to make him stop but I know that's not possible. It's just so hard to detach, watching him go on this downward spiral. I feel like I should be doing more, like if something bad happens I'll feel like I could of done more.

I have checked out the al anon website. I've found a local one in my area so I'm going to try and build up the courage to go. I'll find it hard to talk about it so maybe I'll just sit and listen to other people's experiences. Hopefully I can find the strength to detach as I know it's what I have to do.

I'm glad I posted here, you're all so supportive. I thank you all ♥

Recovering2

Walking into an AlAnon meeting that first time isn't easy. It takes courage. But remember, every person in that room had their "first time" walking in as well. They know you, even if they don't know you yet. When someone welcomes you, they are sincerely welcoming you. You don't have to share anything, you can just sit quietly and listen. It is recommended that you attend at least 6 meetings before you decide if it's for you or not. Each meeting will be a little different, depending on what is shared. But you will find enormous support, and your load will feel a little lighter.

I went to my first AlAnon meeting totally pissed off. I was angry about the situation, and found myself crying through the whole meeting. By the 3rd meeting, I looked forward to going. I was still crying most of the meeting, but I was starting to feel a little better. That was only 3 months ago. Those meetings saved my sanity, and continue to keep me centered on me.

I hope you go to that first meeting. Deep breath, and walk through that door. You won't be sorry. What do you have to lose? ((( Big Hugs )))

WalkAlone

Thank you Recovering2. Very late reply I know but I haven't had the courage yet to go to an al anon meeting but I'm going to take a step to go to my very first one next week! I've found a local one and I'm going to do it. Since my last post things have only gotten worse. I didn't expect them to get any better but I don't know how much more I can take. My mum won't kick him out, despite him being a danger to us (a couple of weeks ago he came home so drunk that he left his key in the front door and the gas on). I'm at a loss, he's drunk again right now. Screaming and making noises in his sleep. Probably a combination of the drink and whatever other drugs he's taking. Just had to come back here for more support as there's nobody else I can turn to. Hopefully these meetings will start to help me.