cam76

Hi everyone
It's been a few weeks since I last posted. I ended my 3.5 year relationship with xabf in early january. It was very difficult but I couldn't take the lies and drinking anymore.
Since then It's been tough, but I'm surviving I finally felt upbeat enough last week to go out with my friends. We had such a good time but it was weird not being there with xabf.
Then the following day he turned up at my door. He was sober and stayed for 3 hours begging me to reconsider the relationship. He said that he accepts 100% responsibility, accepted that he was a "lousy boyfriend" and that he has "made the worst decision of his life" by choosing a party lifestyle over me.
I stayed calm and because I had a good night the previous night I was feeling quite optimistic about moving on.
But he literally begged me to reconsider. He promised to attend AA and walk away from the friends he parties with. I told him that in a hypothetical situation of me taking him back I would not allow him to move back in with me and told him I needed to think about things. After he left I broke down and cried. He phoned yesterday and restated all he had the previous day. Then today on my drive home from work I had to pull in as I was crying so much. I haven't cried in weeks and now all the emotions are resurfacing. Of course I love and miss him but can I really trust that he could change. Also, if he is not living with me how can I be sure that he is making the changes?? I work in another city so for 10 nights a month I am away from home. He could literally be doing anything on those nights. But I would like to think that he could change. I don't know what to do. I honestly have no clear thoughts. I'm scared of getting hurt again by him but I'm also scared of moving on in case he really could change. I know time is important but I don't want this back and forth and wondering

doggonecarl

Promises, promises.

You could tell him that you want to see him in AA and recovered for ONE YEAR before you will consider a relationship with him.

If he means what he said, his actions will prove it. Otherwise, he's just quacking.

Ann

I agree, dear. Actions speak louder than words and I would look for the actions that back what he says...over a long period of time.

He may make promises sincerely intending to keep them, but for most active addicts it is impossible without some kind of supportive meeting or program or counseling. Some just quit....but time will tell if they stay quit and if the underlying causes of addiction have been addressed.

Whatever you choose to do, I hope you find your own balance and healing. Meetings have helped many of us here find our sanity and peace again. Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that you may want to try and see if they don't help you too.

Hugs

Vale

Saying the word "Marathon" is a hell of a lot easier than running one.

Words.Actions.

Not even related,not even close!

zoso77

I highlighted this because I think that all of us have had that fear to one degree or another. When we love someone, whether it's a friend, a lover, a parent, a child, a sibling, our first inclination is to give that someone the benefit of the doubt.

The problem, though, is when you factor addiction into the mix, giving someone the benefit of the doubt goes unrewarded more often than not.

This is when your faith and trust in God (or your HP) has to come into play, because if you really want to do the right thing, you let go of that fear you have and place trust in whatever plan God's got for you. You allow yourself to heal, and you allow you AXBF the chance to do the work he needs to do to get healthy. This is the essence of detaching with love.

There are no guarantees in this life other than it will end. But I (and I imagine others) can predict with a high degree of certainty that if you reopen that door with your AXBF, you're not going to like what happens when you do. And hopefully, you can use the ES&H you gained here and make the best decision for you.

Best,
ZoSo

cam76

Gosh, thank you all for the clarity and straight talking. I have been attending al anon for a few weeks now and I do find it incredible support. I guess I just wanted the views of people who do not know me.
I will try to meet him a few days and explain that I need some time and need to see some changes. I will say that he needs to change for himself and not for me. It is difficult as we don't live together anymore so I am getting used to living alone for the first time ever!! Also I will be unable to monitor his actions. But maybe that's a good thing?? Ok, time for me to take control of my own life.
Thank you all so so much xx

Natsy

One thing I learned is that we spend way too much worrying about them. I also learned that trust is something that is earned. I wish I could practice what I preach, but it's easier to offer advice. You make him understand that he needs to submit to periodic drug tests. He must always be honest (we always know when they are lieing), he must attend meetings and he must never ever ever go back down that path. When you start to worry about him, change your thoughts. Don't be there when he needs you unless it's to talk about his addiction. Make it harder for him to have access to you. If he denies a drug test, stand stong and say "get out"

Reed30

I understand how you feel, just remain strong. You will have those bad days..many tears, second guessing, guilt etc. but remember why you made the decision you did, as hard as it was. You do know what you want in a relationship and you weren't finding it in this one. Be proud of yourself for sticking to your beliefs. I had same thoughts about my ExABF..what if he changes? What you know is that he is an addict, and will always have tendencies to get addicted to something else or go back. He will have to work very hard each day to remain 'sober'. Your life will be about him. You will never be #1, its going to be recovery (or drugs). And I agree with the others, its about their actions.

I broke up with my Ex 6 months ago, he sent me an email recently how he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, loves me so much, that he won't lie to me again, he's changed ..has no desire to be like he was before, that the feeling he has with me he can't describe, give him another chance.
He is doing out patient rehab and going to meetings/therapy. But you know what ...he still drinks..hangs out with a dude that he used to get high with. I care about him deeply, its been hard for me but at same time I know in my heart that this relationship would have been miserable if I stayed. I don't trust him ( he lied to me the entire time we were together, i had no idea he had an addiction problem or was even using drugs!). I would prob worry constantly. Its not worth it...so many ppl out there that will always respect you and not put you in situations like these boys have...You deserve the best.

Just try to keep busy, hang out with your family and friends and take it one day at a time.
You will be ok!!!!