Figuring out whats next
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 4
Figuring out whats next
I'm new on here but don't have any other places to ask this or talk about this.
Back in December I kicked out my husband. His drinking and drug use had gotten out of control again to the point he was never home...again. To describe the amount of time he spent around the house my 8 year old once asked where his dad lived and on another occasion called him "that one man that sleeps in your bed" Then after I kicked him out it took my kids till recently to even figure out that he has not been living here.
The back ground is that he has always been an alcoholic and switched up the other things he did in addition to the alcohol. We have been in an either dating or married for the last 13.5 years have 3 kids together. He has made attempts at getting sober and all failed. The most recent attempt he even check into a hospital, did an intensive out patent programs and started seeing a counselor. With all of that he made it a whole 2 months without drinking before he started back up and 4 months before he was back at it worse then ever. After I kicked him out he managed to drink away over $1,000 in 3 weeks. It was his choice to get sober and caught me by surprise I had given up on it.
After 2 and a half months out of the house I have an appointment with a lawyer in 2 days to start the divorce. He is in agreement that we will use his drunkenness for ground of the divorce, that I get sole custody, and I get the household goods and the van. He totaled out his car trying to take a pinch hit while driving on ice last January. Then bought a car he just had to have and tore it up by not remembering to put oil in it and running it dry.
He told me the other day that he wants to come home. That if I let him come home he will get sober. But he has made this promise before and it has always been empty. Over the last couple months I have been working on my self. I have also been doing lots of looking back on things and realized that our whole relationship has been him telling me he will do x,y or z if I first do something. But he always decided that I did not do my part to the extent he wants or will say the promise means nothing because he was stressed, sad, angry, or any other excuse to get him out of his part.
I told him that if he wanted to come home he had to get sober FIRST and not just a couple months not drinking. And that we would have to restart the relationship from the beginning so it would not be a quick way home but a very long one. He did not like that idea.
Tonight I meet up with him without the kids around so we can finish hammering out details of things before I go to the lawyer.
If he does decided tonight that he wants another chance and to work on things then I am only going forward with it under my terms not his anymore. We have been doing everything his way for to many years and it has left me and the kids in a rough spot.
Back in December I kicked out my husband. His drinking and drug use had gotten out of control again to the point he was never home...again. To describe the amount of time he spent around the house my 8 year old once asked where his dad lived and on another occasion called him "that one man that sleeps in your bed" Then after I kicked him out it took my kids till recently to even figure out that he has not been living here.
The back ground is that he has always been an alcoholic and switched up the other things he did in addition to the alcohol. We have been in an either dating or married for the last 13.5 years have 3 kids together. He has made attempts at getting sober and all failed. The most recent attempt he even check into a hospital, did an intensive out patent programs and started seeing a counselor. With all of that he made it a whole 2 months without drinking before he started back up and 4 months before he was back at it worse then ever. After I kicked him out he managed to drink away over $1,000 in 3 weeks. It was his choice to get sober and caught me by surprise I had given up on it.
After 2 and a half months out of the house I have an appointment with a lawyer in 2 days to start the divorce. He is in agreement that we will use his drunkenness for ground of the divorce, that I get sole custody, and I get the household goods and the van. He totaled out his car trying to take a pinch hit while driving on ice last January. Then bought a car he just had to have and tore it up by not remembering to put oil in it and running it dry.
He told me the other day that he wants to come home. That if I let him come home he will get sober. But he has made this promise before and it has always been empty. Over the last couple months I have been working on my self. I have also been doing lots of looking back on things and realized that our whole relationship has been him telling me he will do x,y or z if I first do something. But he always decided that I did not do my part to the extent he wants or will say the promise means nothing because he was stressed, sad, angry, or any other excuse to get him out of his part.
I told him that if he wanted to come home he had to get sober FIRST and not just a couple months not drinking. And that we would have to restart the relationship from the beginning so it would not be a quick way home but a very long one. He did not like that idea.
Tonight I meet up with him without the kids around so we can finish hammering out details of things before I go to the lawyer.
If he does decided tonight that he wants another chance and to work on things then I am only going forward with it under my terms not his anymore. We have been doing everything his way for to many years and it has left me and the kids in a rough spot.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
You are paying attention to his actions, and not listening to his words ~ Good on YOU!
My AXH (alcoholic X husband) asked me for one more chance to change once he found out I was filing for divorce. I told him that I had given him one more chance, again, and again. I encouraged him to make his changes. I assured him we could always remarry once he had achieved solid sobriety w/recovery.
He went along with that. He even got sober and had a sponsor. He had me convinced he had changed. We started dating (long distance as I had moved away). Lo and behold, 6 months after the divorce he hip dialed me (similar to pocket dialing with a cell phone but his phone was on a belt clip) and he was at a bar buying shots for some ladies.
"Patience, more will be revealed" I learned that lesson the hard way.
My AXH (alcoholic X husband) asked me for one more chance to change once he found out I was filing for divorce. I told him that I had given him one more chance, again, and again. I encouraged him to make his changes. I assured him we could always remarry once he had achieved solid sobriety w/recovery.
He went along with that. He even got sober and had a sponsor. He had me convinced he had changed. We started dating (long distance as I had moved away). Lo and behold, 6 months after the divorce he hip dialed me (similar to pocket dialing with a cell phone but his phone was on a belt clip) and he was at a bar buying shots for some ladies.
"Patience, more will be revealed" I learned that lesson the hard way.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
If it were me I would absolutely go with this.
I told him that if he wanted to come home he had to get sober FIRST and not just a couple months not drinking.
And perhaps add to that a dedication to a program for both of you.
AA, Al anon, maybe individual counseling for both of you, perhaps leading in the future, the distant future, couples counseling.
Alcoholics that are convicted in sobriety quit because they want to, not because we let them come back.
I told him that if he wanted to come home he had to get sober FIRST and not just a couple months not drinking.
And perhaps add to that a dedication to a program for both of you.
AA, Al anon, maybe individual counseling for both of you, perhaps leading in the future, the distant future, couples counseling.
Alcoholics that are convicted in sobriety quit because they want to, not because we let them come back.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 4
He did AA for a few months. Those months were hell. Normally when he is not drunk he was an all around good guy (he had a 2 year stretch of being sober and the man he was an amazing man...Then his family and friends got back in his life and he went down hill fast) While in AA he became the most self centered jack ass I had ever seen him be. There has to be another way then that.
We are to poor to afford counseling. I am using my old standby's of journaling and meditations and reflective thinking to work through this. It would be so much easier if his family would leave me be and my family would leave me be as well.
We are to poor to afford counseling. I am using my old standby's of journaling and meditations and reflective thinking to work through this. It would be so much easier if his family would leave me be and my family would leave me be as well.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
"That if I let him come home he will get sober." RED FLAG Glad you recognized it for what it is.
His decision to get sober can't be based on conditions he sets. Likewise, it can't be based on conditions you set. If he is serious about sobriety, he will do it with or without you. Actions...not Words.
His decision to get sober can't be based on conditions he sets. Likewise, it can't be based on conditions you set. If he is serious about sobriety, he will do it with or without you. Actions...not Words.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 4
My conditions have more to do with the fact I have boundaries in place now that I am not going to waiver on.
When he finds bottom he will get help. Bottom will be a long way from now since his family and friends are helping him drink and get high thinking there is nothing wrong with the actions. Even though at one point he shoved a loaded shot gun to my head because I needed help with something and it got in the way of his drinking. (This is what prompted his last attempt at getting sober.)
When he finds bottom he will get help. Bottom will be a long way from now since his family and friends are helping him drink and get high thinking there is nothing wrong with the actions. Even though at one point he shoved a loaded shot gun to my head because I needed help with something and it got in the way of his drinking. (This is what prompted his last attempt at getting sober.)
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
He pointed a loaded SHOTGUN at your head? Be very careful dealing with this man--he has already proved to be potentially deadly. People who are simply drunks do not do things like that. His issues go far beyond alcoholism or addiction. I would insist on a batterers' intervention program as well. I don't suggest you tell him that--it is likely to set him off. Just keep it in the back of your mind. You've seen him "dry" (I wouldn't call it "sober") and he was miserable then (I doubt he was working a program--AA is more than just going to meetings).
Al-Anon is free. I suggest you avail yourself of it. And in terms of the divorce, since you have decided to do it, I suggest you keep marching forward with that, and not hold off to see what he does. It will take months to become final, and as Pelican points out, if he ever does recover in the future you can revisit the idea of a relationship with him again. He is simply stalling things at this point, IMO.
Al-Anon is free. I suggest you avail yourself of it. And in terms of the divorce, since you have decided to do it, I suggest you keep marching forward with that, and not hold off to see what he does. It will take months to become final, and as Pelican points out, if he ever does recover in the future you can revisit the idea of a relationship with him again. He is simply stalling things at this point, IMO.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
OMG I remember when my muddled A husband wrecked his company car because he didn't put oil in it. Didn't go down well.
You are right by telling him he can only come home when he is sober & not before.
His actions will speak louder than words so just wait & see what he does.
Put yourself & your children first, you deserve it.
Welcome to SR, theres loads of support here for you.
Good luck with your meeting.
You are right by telling him he can only come home when he is sober & not before.
His actions will speak louder than words so just wait & see what he does.
Put yourself & your children first, you deserve it.
Welcome to SR, theres loads of support here for you.
Good luck with your meeting.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
A shotgun to your head? Now, that's what I call a deal breaker. He has deeper issues than just being an alcoholic, IMO he needs some serious mental help. I hope that you called the police and had him arrested. Be careful, he is dangerous.
I too would suggest that you go to Alanon meetings, and if you have any teens that they attend Alateen.
Take some time to read the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs, lots of helpful information at your fingertips.
I too would suggest that you go to Alanon meetings, and if you have any teens that they attend Alateen.
Take some time to read the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs, lots of helpful information at your fingertips.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 119
Get away from him fast. A loaded shotgun? My ex AP hit me when he was drunk but this is another level and you need to protect yourself and your children. He needs help but you are not the one to give it and you mustn't throw away all your good and obviously painful work that you have done to get this far. Look forward, not back and let him go. If he wants to stay sober he will have to do it for himself but he has serious issues that go far beyond this.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Bookblockbear, anyone who is capable of pointing a shotgun at your head is capable of killing you. This man is very dangerous.
Just going to AA meetings is not being in recovery. One must be actively working the 12-steps with a sponsor. This takes a long time and requires that sobriety is the first priority. It doesn't sound like he is even close to seeking true solid recovery.
Stick to your boundry and go through with the divorce. Put your happiness and your life first. Find out all you can about the "CYCLE of ABUSE". There are many good domestic violence websites that you can visit.
Please listen to every word that LexieCat posted. She has a wealth of experience and knows what she is talking about.
We are on your side.
sincerely, dandylion
Just going to AA meetings is not being in recovery. One must be actively working the 12-steps with a sponsor. This takes a long time and requires that sobriety is the first priority. It doesn't sound like he is even close to seeking true solid recovery.
Stick to your boundry and go through with the divorce. Put your happiness and your life first. Find out all you can about the "CYCLE of ABUSE". There are many good domestic violence websites that you can visit.
Please listen to every word that LexieCat posted. She has a wealth of experience and knows what she is talking about.
We are on your side.
sincerely, dandylion
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
