Confused
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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Confused
Today will be 2 weeks that my AH hasn't drank anything. We had a great weekend, but I am not as loving and sweet to him, I have a more "i cant take it or leave it" attitude. I am curious to know what he is thinking! Is his problem not as severe as I thought? How do I talk to him to find out? This is where I fell like alcoholism is a third person in our marriage...I feel like I should be able to talk to my husband about anything, but like I have heard y'all say, he will defend his first love and not be honest with me! I feel like my life is forever
"on hold" because this happens and I think, everything is okay - he has gone months and not drank before and then all of a sudden - he's back to sneaking. What do I do???? It's like I get my mind made up to leave and be done with all of this and he stops, then when I relax and stop thinking about it, it starts again...how do I talk to him before it starts again to make sure it doesn't...I know he will lie and say, again, that I don't have to worry about it ever again, but deep down, I know this is a lie!! If he can stop - why does he start back?
"on hold" because this happens and I think, everything is okay - he has gone months and not drank before and then all of a sudden - he's back to sneaking. What do I do???? It's like I get my mind made up to leave and be done with all of this and he stops, then when I relax and stop thinking about it, it starts again...how do I talk to him before it starts again to make sure it doesn't...I know he will lie and say, again, that I don't have to worry about it ever again, but deep down, I know this is a lie!! If he can stop - why does he start back?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Dear unhappyspouse, I went through this same kind of roller-coaster ride with my alcoholics. First the "promise" that the drinking would stop--followed by a period of abstainence---followed by sneaking and hiding---followed by my despair and huge fights---then begin all over gain.
I had to learn that the alcoholic CANNOT promise us anything. The disease is lying to them--telling them that they can control the drinking. They believe this because it allows them to avoid giving up the thing the disease craves above all else. The alcoholic is in denial about the very nature of the disease itself. The only thing that controls the disease is total abstinence.
In my opinion, you can ask an alcoholic to seek a recovery program, but it is useless to ask them to promise to just "not drink". They are n ot drinking AT you--or to deliberately "lie" or hurt you. They are doing the only thing a non-recovering alcoholic can do---which is drink.
Asking for promises and believing those promises just exhausts us and further damages us. Many alcoholics can "whiteknuckle" it for periods of time---but the disease creeps back in, eventually.
sincerely, dandylion
I had to learn that the alcoholic CANNOT promise us anything. The disease is lying to them--telling them that they can control the drinking. They believe this because it allows them to avoid giving up the thing the disease craves above all else. The alcoholic is in denial about the very nature of the disease itself. The only thing that controls the disease is total abstinence.
In my opinion, you can ask an alcoholic to seek a recovery program, but it is useless to ask them to promise to just "not drink". They are n ot drinking AT you--or to deliberately "lie" or hurt you. They are doing the only thing a non-recovering alcoholic can do---which is drink.
Asking for promises and believing those promises just exhausts us and further damages us. Many alcoholics can "whiteknuckle" it for periods of time---but the disease creeps back in, eventually.
sincerely, dandylion
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
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Thank you! This is exactly my DH. It really is like a roller coaster. He does well and "controls" or limits it and then starts sneaking it again. he got drunk a little over a week ago and I was finally prepared to take the kids and leave and now he is better again and has been sober and wonderful the last week or so, only having 1 or 2 a night. Ugghh its so frustrating. I get my hopes up that things will change and they do for a while and then it happens all over again.
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Location: Chicago
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Originally Posted by unhappyspouse 
How do you tell someone you are going to leave and they don't understand why and when you tell them because of alcohol, they think you are crazy!
And it IS confusing, and scary. Change always is. But we are here for you!
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So what can I expect and how do I respond to leaving a man "for no reason". It is basically going to be like I am leaving him because I don't love him, which is hard and confusing because I do, but I am so tired of waiting for the next fall. What can I do to follow through once I tell him that I need some space? I don't want us to be through, but I know he is never going to go to AA, and if he does, then he needs to do that for himself with me not in his life...do yall agree?
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One thing that is very hard in learning to take care of yourself and do what you need to do in order to be healthy, is to learn to let go of outcomes. It has to be enough that you know why you are leaving him. If he needs more answers then it is up to him to seek them out. "No", as they say, is a complete sentence.
I agree that there is nothing you can do to make him go to AA or seek out any kind of recovery. Therefore all that is left is for you to take care of yourself. Whether you stay or go, you have to take care of yourself.
I agree that there is nothing you can do to make him go to AA or seek out any kind of recovery. Therefore all that is left is for you to take care of yourself. Whether you stay or go, you have to take care of yourself.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
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Originally Posted by unhappyspouse
So what can I expect and how do I respond to leaving a man "for no reason". It is basically going to be like I am leaving him because I don't love him, which is hard and confusing because I do, but I am so tired of waiting for the next fall. What can I do to follow through once I tell him that I need some space? I don't want us to be through, but I know he is never going to go to AA, and if he does, then he needs to do that for himself with me not in his life...do yall agree?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Dear unhappyspouse and unsureoffuture, I think that the thought of leaving our alcoholic strikes us right in the middle of our guilt button. So many of us come from an upbringing where survival depended on being "good" and willing to "fix" anything that troubles our loved-ones. We took this responsibility to the limits of our ability--many of us got our approval and our very identity from being the self-sacrificing, "helpful one". It is second nature to help others before we even think about ourselves. This good nature of ours---which is a beautiful thing (when we know how to protect our own needs)---attracts needy and self-centered people to us like moths to a flame!!
Given this background---being called the "bad one" is worse than having the marrow sucked from our bones. We are filled with guilt and shame and fearful of what others are thinking of us.
The alcoholic knows this--maybe not consciously--but their self-centered orientation instinctively know that this is our hottest button. This knowledge keeps them in control and us in fear. They also blame us for everything, because this keeps the spotlight off of them and their drinking. It is the perfect set-up for the disease of alcoholism to thrive in.
When carrying out a boundry for ourselves (like leaving, in this case), I think it is very important to use "I" sentences. "I can't live like this", "I've had all I can take", "I am not going to raise my child in an alcoholic home", "My recovery is going to come first", etc..... You don't need to say it is because of the drinking--trust me they already KNOW this (they pretend that they don't). By the way, cutting back and talking about it is not good enough---recovery means working a PROGRAM of recovery---it has to be their first priority and it doesn't happen overnight. A period of abstainence doesn't "prove" anything. The relapse is still only one drink away.
One does not necessarily need to state their boundrys to others--or explain, or defend. One simply needs to act. Boundrys can also be changed as we need to protect ourselves. Above all, do not state a boundry that one has no intention--or ability--to act on. That sends the message that our words are hollow.
I hope these thoughts help in knowing how to approach the alcoholic.
sincerely, dandylion
Given this background---being called the "bad one" is worse than having the marrow sucked from our bones. We are filled with guilt and shame and fearful of what others are thinking of us.
The alcoholic knows this--maybe not consciously--but their self-centered orientation instinctively know that this is our hottest button. This knowledge keeps them in control and us in fear. They also blame us for everything, because this keeps the spotlight off of them and their drinking. It is the perfect set-up for the disease of alcoholism to thrive in.
When carrying out a boundry for ourselves (like leaving, in this case), I think it is very important to use "I" sentences. "I can't live like this", "I've had all I can take", "I am not going to raise my child in an alcoholic home", "My recovery is going to come first", etc..... You don't need to say it is because of the drinking--trust me they already KNOW this (they pretend that they don't). By the way, cutting back and talking about it is not good enough---recovery means working a PROGRAM of recovery---it has to be their first priority and it doesn't happen overnight. A period of abstainence doesn't "prove" anything. The relapse is still only one drink away.
One does not necessarily need to state their boundrys to others--or explain, or defend. One simply needs to act. Boundrys can also be changed as we need to protect ourselves. Above all, do not state a boundry that one has no intention--or ability--to act on. That sends the message that our words are hollow.
I hope these thoughts help in knowing how to approach the alcoholic.
sincerely, dandylion
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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So what can I expect and how do I respond to leaving a man "for no reason".
you are free to leave when YOU decide, without needing anyone else's permission. if you're done, you're done. people change, outlooks change, goals change and not every marriage or partnership is going to last 100 years. not as long as two faulty humans are involved!!!
my 2nd ex-husband was (is) a good man, nice man, good provider, partner, funny, all that. and i was quite fond of him, admired him greatly, but over the years it became more and more apparent to me that i didn't BELONG there. that wherever my happy place was, that wasn't it.
and so after much planning (years of it) it was finally time to go. wasn't much to be said by then. kept it short sweet and to the point, no need to drag sh*t out. that's what worked for me.
you are free to leave when YOU decide, without needing anyone else's permission. if you're done, you're done. people change, outlooks change, goals change and not every marriage or partnership is going to last 100 years. not as long as two faulty humans are involved!!!
my 2nd ex-husband was (is) a good man, nice man, good provider, partner, funny, all that. and i was quite fond of him, admired him greatly, but over the years it became more and more apparent to me that i didn't BELONG there. that wherever my happy place was, that wasn't it.
and so after much planning (years of it) it was finally time to go. wasn't much to be said by then. kept it short sweet and to the point, no need to drag sh*t out. that's what worked for me.
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