Audrey1

When I met my partner, he was the sweetest person in the world. We met in a country foreign to both of us, where we were both working.

He struck me as the sort of person I could talk to about anything and everything... someone I could trust and who could never dream of hurting me. He was humble and would do anything for me. We didn't technically live together, but saw each other almost every day and night.

I noticed a slight unpleasant change in his personality when he befriended someone from his country who was married to a local woman and treated her like a slave, and was quite shocked when I heard about a three-day booze bender they had had together. I had not really seen evidence that he had a problem until that point and thought it was just a crazy once off.

We separately left this country and reunited in a second country where he had lived before. His alcoholic brother also lives there and is a seriously nasty person with a bad temper, and who took an instant dislike to me (as he has to all of my partner's GFs or anyone he gets close to). Again, I saw a huge change in my partner's personality. Every time he spent time with this brother, strong elements of nastiness and belittlement started to marr his usual gentle personality. This would ease off after a couple of days of not seeing his brother, but would flare up when they would meet. This came to a head one night when he was out drinking with said brother who had had a blazing row with his GF (who in retrospect is most likely an alcoholic also), imagined some wrong I had apparently done to him, and I woke up to him coming home early in the morning completely plastered and screaming at me for being the "Queen of the Liars" and telling me to "F*ck off" and "F*ck you". It was a horrible, horrible shock, and I never imagined that sweet man I met could turn into this horrible, ugly monster.

I was glad when we left that country and moved to his home country, away from the brother. His other brother here is very sweet and gentle, and has no problem with alcohol. I encourage my partner to spend time with him as he always comes back nicer. However, although we have several nice, "normal" friends, most of his friends and family here are huge binge drinkers (like said other friend and brother), with unpleasant personalities to boot. There seems to be a common theme among them - complete lack of respect for their wives, GFs, or women in particular, lying, cheating, archaic attitudes about homosexuality and people of other races... along with a plethora of horrific self-induced problems with their work (if they have any) and personal lives. Last year, his drinking and general attitude towards life, me, and our relationship reached breaking point for me, and, prompted by me leaving him, he finally decided to quit drinking. He is in therapy and has not had a drink since November. I moved back in on the proviso I will leave for good if he drinks.

The problem is, he lacks confidence and thinks these awful people are the only friends he has, while neglecting the good friends he has. I suspect this neglect is based on his feelings of self-worth, and that he feels these friends are somehow better than him, even though they have never given him any reason to think this and are always very welcoming. Although being sober has opened his eyes to the true nature of his "bad" friends, this is happening very slowly, with lots of backward steps, and he seems to get continually drawn back into the dysfunction of their lives, without even realising how truly dysfunctional their lives are. It is then their awful personality traits start to appear in him.

We just had an awful couple come and stay with us for five days who (although thankfully didn't drink heavily) honestly made me want to run away and not come back until they, and any trace of them and their dark cloud of negativity, had long gone. Within an hour or two of their visit, the man was immediately complaining about how inadequate his wife was and consistently telling her to shut up until I had a word with him about it (later my partner did too). The negativity surrounding them was palpable. By the time they left I was completely drained and in tears. Again, although he pulled them up on their behaviour, my partner had again started to take on some of the belittling, chauvinism his friend has.

When they finally left, he b*tched about these friends and their general unpleasantness and lack of respect for us (they essentially treated us as an all-expense paid bed and breakfast among other things and complained about everything). I very rationally and reasonably asked him what it was he liked about these people, if he felt he identified with them, and if so, on what level. There was no accusation, I said nothing bad about him or his friends, just asked what he thought he had in common with them (in my mind I believe it's crazy to waste time around people who contribute nothing positive to my life and vice versa).

Unfortunately, as seems to be the norm unless I talk about something as mundane as the weather or what we will eat for dinner, he immediately got defensive and accused me of having a problem with everyone (the usual grand sweeping statements which are based on nothing), "Do you see what you're doing? What's wrong with you?" (this kind of thing), and kept trying to change the subject to something else he thought he might have a stronger point to argue about. Although this hit a nerve with me because I have doubted myself at times, and wondered if I was being too harsh in my perspectives on these people, I remind myself that this is not about my judgement, it is about about his judgement and choice of friendships.

Again, I kept bringing him back to the original point by listing all the mutual friends we have who treat each other with respect and have positive attitudes, who I regularly speak positively about. I then pointed out how we had run into some other friends while skiing with the couple who dramatically lifted the mood. It was seriously like the sky had opened up and sun had shone through the gloom of this couple's visit for the first time since they arrived. My partner had even visibly brightened up and was laughing and chatting with the "good" friends while the "bad" friends sulked to themselves about something or other. After a pause, he finally answered that he didn't identify with the couple, that he couldn't stand them, and that he had suffered throughout their stay. But I can be sure that, like his other friends, he will still see them as he truly feels he doesn't have many friends.

This post has turned out to be longer than I intended, but I guess my question is "are all alcoholics impressionable"? Is this an alcoholic trait? It seems ridiculous to me that he can change so much in the presence of someone else. I always know when he has spoken with the bad brother on the phone without even having to guess as the way he speaks to me takes on a cold, mocking tone. He is always shocked I seem to have this "sixth sense" about when he has spoken to his brother, but it's really very clear. I cut him off when I recognise this change in him now and he reverts back to normal, but I am tired of being an endlessly regulating factor, and trying to be overly positive all the time to balance out the negatitivity he surrounds himself with. I'm exhausted. I do realise this is not my job and I am working hard on being positive and unaffected for myself. His therapist says he will struggle with confidence for a while after he quit, so I am hoping as his confidence builds he will learn to be more solid and more himself, whatever good and bad aspects come with it so I know exactly what I'm dealing with. Clearly I want the always sweet man I met back, but at the moment I don't know how much of that man really exists.

laurie6781

I don't believe alcoholics are impressionable, however, in early recovery, well at least mine and others that I know, the feelings of being worthless are still very strong, probably stronger than when I was 'numbing' them with alcohol. Recovery from addiction is an ongoing journey, wherein the A slowly grows and changes old patterns, old friends etc. As the A starts to get better and feels better about ones self the friends that an A has will change.

Also, the A will learn how NOT to be affected by negative people. Your ABF is still very raw and probably doesn't really know what to do with some of his feelings including not even knowing what he is feeling. I remember well how I would go to my sponsor and explain what was going on, and she would put a 'name' to the feeling. And they were all very INTENSE, especially when I would get around toxic and/or negative people. I believe it is because we are extremely sensitive which for me and others I know part of the reason I/they drank to keep the sensitivity to others NUMB.

Is your A doing anything about is recovery? ie an addiction counselor, AA, SMART, AVRT, etc Just quitting drinking is just the first small step in recovery. I hope and pray that he is working some type of program to help him.

You sound fairly stable in your boundaries, but if there is any Alanon where you live it wouldn't hurt to go to a few meetings and meet some other folks face to face that are in the same or similar situation that you are.

Know that we are walking with you in spirit!

Love and hugs,

choublak

Codependents are impressionable too. At least until we heal enough.

LifeRecovery

Hmmm this is not fully formed for me.

My loved one that struggled with alcohol looking back on it also struggled with codependency. I also suspect he was very sensitive and in part this is why he turned to drinking.

There was also a sense of "I don't have a problem," though if others were also behaving poorly and/or drinking. At times he would say "I am not that bad like...."

Finally I don't truly know that he understood my concerns....he was drinking and often did not remember the bad behavior of himself and or others around him. For him the behavior was not as raw. Also I believe that he was drinking to fit in and "feel" normal. This was not something he felt internally. As a result he was more likely to accept unacceptable behavior.

I had to learn that I did not have control over the family and friends he let into his life, but I did have a say about who I did. He did get defensive about who he let in....looking back I suspect he felt like when I said something to him about it that I was commenting on him and his behavior. In some ways I was.

Audrey1

Thanks, Laurie. I always find your's and Lexie's advice and insight really helpful as no matter how much reading I do about the point of view of the alcoholic, I really find myself more and more confused.

My partner has very strong feelings of worthlessless, but he switches back between feeling low at one end of the spectrum, and trying to prop himself up by belittling me on the other. I'm not entirely sure he knows he is doing this, but it's really not a nice thing to have to deal with for either of us. It's very painful for me to see him regard himself so badly, but then I get very angry when he turns it around on me and uses me to big himself up. By spending time with the people who share such negative characteristics, his feelings of worthlessness are magnified because he allows himself to be belittled, disrespected, and taken advantage of by them. I can see it clearly, but he somehow can't, or just tries to justify it. This is particularly the case with his family, who I think he is struggling with denial about the most. They are extremely dysfunctional people and every time we see them he seems to go several steps back (not all... one brother and his grandmother are good influences).

This is why I gently, gently try to encourage him to spend time with people who don't treat him badly and who don't want anything other than friendship from him. But, as I said, I don't think he feels like he is on their "level", so he always reverts back to these "bad" friends... and I ultimately suffer when his personality adjusts to adapt. It is at these times I am glad I have cats to cuddle as I feel like I'm surrounded by a**holes. Sigh. I really want to help him see that he is better than this and to stand up for himself, but my attempts to talk with him about it are met with defensiveness as I mentioned in my first post. What to do.... Do you have any thoughts based on your experience, or do you suggest just working on myself?

He is in therapy, but I am relatively in the dark about it due to the language barrier. From what I can see online, the clinic has a good reputation, and his therapist is 19 (I think) years sober. My partner says he gives him practical tips on how to deal with triggers and people, as well as daily exercises.

As for me, there is no chance of Al Anon where I live, but I have decided to move back to my home country in a few months where I will have much greater access. My partner's visa application to my country is currently being processed. This means we will be apart for some time which he is very upset about this (though this is his fault as he kept delaying and delaying the application for over a year), but I can't continue to put my life on hold on account of his procrastination, and suffer these people he continues to invite into our home. I am becoming much stronger than I was, and have set up some boundaries, but it seems both he and I are moving at snails pace! I suspect the time apart will be very telling in terms of our respective recovery.

DreamsofSerenity

The alcoholic in my life wasn't particularly impressionable either. That seems more like a personality trait unrelated to alcohol to me.

I can see how frustrating your situation must be for you, but the one positive thing is that he quit drinking, and so easily (compared to some alcoholics). Unfortunately, I don't think you can change how his brother or friends make him act. All you can do is set a boundary that you won't be around him when he is acting like them.

He could have more going on inside of him than you are aware of. IMHO, screaming at you to F*** off, was a big red flag that he is surpressing anger.( In my experience, negativity, sexism, and racism, are all forms of anger.) There are differing opinions on here about this, but I happen to believe that a "Drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts". I find it hard to accept that alcoholic outbursts are purely about the alcohol.

Unfortunately, it's common for people to allow negativity into their lives, whether it comes in the form of people, substances, or behaviors--I did it by dealing with an alcoholic for four years. I do think it is a sign though, that someone isn't all together well. I know I certainly was not.

I'd try to get very clear about what you can control in this situation and what you can not. And if you really love this guy, you might try couple's therapy. Take care of yourself.

dollydo

Well, if he is still smoking pot all day, he will continue to stay stuck. His drinking is only one part of his addiction issue, he is not in recovery. He is still riding on the emotional roller coaster from h#ll, when and if he actually does get into recovery and is clean from all substances, after a year or so, he should become more mentally balanced. Hopefully, you have the patience to sit around and wait for all this to happen. In the meantime, I would suggest that you work on you.

Audrey1

He has never smoked pot all day. I posted some time back about the fact I was concerned he was smoking more pot (but not "all day"), but he now smokes maybe once a week or once a fortnight.

LexieCat

I don't know that being "impressionable" is so much an alcoholic characteristic, but one of the reason many alcoholics drink in the first place is that they feel uncomfortable in their own skin--they feel like when things like social skills and a feeling of "OK-ness" were handed out, they got skipped over. Alcohol diminishes those feelings of apartness, or not fitting in.

So I think alcoholics ALWAYS want to feel OK, and accepted by other people. Part of the growth they need to go through in recovery is to find a place where they feel OK and good enough WITHOUT the booze to take off the sharp edges. That's a slow process. In the end, the goal is to be able to behave in a way that is true to oneself.