fallingtogether

Am I just going to be a chronic relapser? This weekend was a nightmare. Now I'm laying in bed, I can't sleep. My anxiety is in full throttle, I'm snuggling my 6 yr old. And I'm beating myself up. Bad. I've been trying to take my will back for a month or so. Nothing bad happened until yesterday. I'm ashamed and embarrassed and extremely depressed. I made it almost 4 months. Wth! It's a slippery slope peeps. We can't do it alone. Without help it's too much for us. Defeated, and disgusted.

Dee74

hey FT

some of us get it right off...and some of us (*cough*) take 15 years or more...

I reckon you're a lot smarter than I was, though, and you have a lot more resources available to you too.

Reach out and find support - have a plan for what to do when temptation calls...get a network up and running of people to call, email or text, chat here...whatever.

You've had 4 months - you just need to work out what you need to do to make the temporary sobriety permanent

When I finally got sober I had to commit to trying twice as hard to staying sober as I did getting drunk...and I put a *lot* of effort into getting drunk.

I did the sober effort thing tho - I know you can too, FT

awuh1

I’m a firm believer that there is a lesson in every mistake. Identify what went wrong and develop a plan to cope with it in the future. IMO there are many lessons to be learned in sobriety.

Sometimes what seems bad turns out to be a blessing in hind sight. I hope this experience turns out to have that quality for you.

fallingtogether

Thanks. I can see the lesson loud and clear. I can't drink. I can't control it. I could
Have lost my job. I look like a fool. I feel like a worthless pos. I know where I went wrong; I wasn't honest with myself. My ego got in the way. My addiction allowed me to manipulate my husband into enabling me. And I ran with it. My coffee pot quit working sat morning, so I substituted with wine and went to work pretending to be hungover. I took it too far. And I did all of that because I am an alcoholic. My fears took over. I know the feeling all to well. It's a comfort zone thing. I think. Funny, we look for comfort in extremely uncomfortable situations. I am not going to drink today. I don't want to be this person. I don't want to be me. I want to hide for the next 6 months. I know I'm not going to drink again, and I need to get back in the saddle, but it's hard to do with your tail between your legs

Dee74

Beating yourself up is futile FT - no matter how good you are at beating yourself up, you can't live the weekend over.

Put all that energy into making sure you never have to feel this way again

D

awuh1

Yes you cannot drink and you cannot control it but didn’t you know that the day before you drank? For me the lessons were more subtle. Things like being around people who were bad influences or trying to escape from some sort of feeling/emotion. Lots of times the slope became slippery way before I slid….I just was not paying attention. Ya, you drank because you are an alcoholic, but why that day and not the day before?

I guess I just felt like if I knew I was making progress, (by having a plan in the event the same situation would come up) then something good could come of the whole thing.

fallingtogether

I didn't feel like I was making progress anymore. I was making excuses why aa wasn't really working for me. I know why, cuz I wasn't working it. I understand.