Separated from AH
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 35
Separated from AH
Well, my AH moved out on Friday. He had cut his drinking down to binge drinking on the weekends but as soon as I said I wanted a separation he was back to nearly daily drinking. Just a few beers each night but I do see this progressing quickly now that he's on his own. The kids (9&10) will be with him one night a week and every other weekend. I've opened dialogue with them on alcohol abuse and have purchased a book to help them as well. I have gotten them cell phones so that they can call me without asking him. I'm worried for the kids but at this point am not sure what else I can do. He is very functional at this point and no one is really aware of the level of substance abuse (not just alcohol) he has done over the last 15 years.
As for myself, I don't know if it's because it's so early and the reality just hasn't hit me yet but I feel like I can breathe again. I feel peace and acceptance and ready to move forward. I am in a state that requires one year of separation before you can file for divorce so he still has the option to address his addiction if he should choose but either way, I am moving forward with my and my children's lives.
As for myself, I don't know if it's because it's so early and the reality just hasn't hit me yet but I feel like I can breathe again. I feel peace and acceptance and ready to move forward. I am in a state that requires one year of separation before you can file for divorce so he still has the option to address his addiction if he should choose but either way, I am moving forward with my and my children's lives.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
He will drive drunk with the children in the car. It will happen. Alcoholics have no control over the amount of alcohol they drink and even when he intends to "control" the drinking on the nights he has the children, he will drink against his will.
So please talk to a legal expert about this reality and see if there is something more you can do to protect your children. I know it is very complicated when we know someone is alcoholic and an untrustworthy parent as a result and have no DUI's, etc. on record to back us up. But still do seek out some legal expertise.
I also suggest you get your children, both of them, into counseling. The children will not tell you the truth about their visits with their father and they may not call you if he's driving drunk with them (and, by the way, since alcohol never leaves his system--being that he's a daily drinker-- he's always operating with alcohol in his veins). Children of alcoholics learn not to trust either parent--the drunk one or the sober one. Children of alcoholics are afraid of upsetting people. They are afraid, period.
If your children are in counseling, however, something may be revealed to the counselor in the course of their sessions which could propel the counselor to report that they are unsafe when with their father unsupervised. The reason to send them to counseling is to give them a safe and private place to get support as children from a family of alcoholism. You will not be the person to whom they can turn. So they need the support. And, if they are experiencing fear when in the car with him, they might reveal that to the counselor.
I think all children who have alcoholic parents should receive professional counseling. If we have anxiety and depression and confusion in our interactions with alcoholics and drug addicts, imagine how the children are coping.
I'm glad he is out of the house. Keep him out.
So please talk to a legal expert about this reality and see if there is something more you can do to protect your children. I know it is very complicated when we know someone is alcoholic and an untrustworthy parent as a result and have no DUI's, etc. on record to back us up. But still do seek out some legal expertise.
I also suggest you get your children, both of them, into counseling. The children will not tell you the truth about their visits with their father and they may not call you if he's driving drunk with them (and, by the way, since alcohol never leaves his system--being that he's a daily drinker-- he's always operating with alcohol in his veins). Children of alcoholics learn not to trust either parent--the drunk one or the sober one. Children of alcoholics are afraid of upsetting people. They are afraid, period.
If your children are in counseling, however, something may be revealed to the counselor in the course of their sessions which could propel the counselor to report that they are unsafe when with their father unsupervised. The reason to send them to counseling is to give them a safe and private place to get support as children from a family of alcoholism. You will not be the person to whom they can turn. So they need the support. And, if they are experiencing fear when in the car with him, they might reveal that to the counselor.
I think all children who have alcoholic parents should receive professional counseling. If we have anxiety and depression and confusion in our interactions with alcoholics and drug addicts, imagine how the children are coping.
I'm glad he is out of the house. Keep him out.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 35
We do have a counselor who has seen both myself and my AH privately, jointly and has also seen both children. We have financial issues making ongoing continued counseling for any of us prohibitive and they are too young for Al-Ateen. I have an appointment with her this Friday and will bring all of this up and see if she maybe has a sliding scale or what my options might be for the kids.
Legal issues- I'm very lost on this. I have no proof. He has no accidents, no DUI's, not even any sick days. Would I just say that he drinks too much? Couldn't anyone say that about anyone?
Legal issues- I'm very lost on this. I have no proof. He has no accidents, no DUI's, not even any sick days. Would I just say that he drinks too much? Couldn't anyone say that about anyone?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, your goal is not to terminate his right to see the kids, your goal is to keep them safe. I believe anyone can go to family court and request an alcohol evaluation. The courts make decisions all the time based on the relative credibility of the parties. It isn't like a criminal trial where stuff has to be proved beyond a reasonable doubt.
The court might order initial daytime only visits, with the kids not spending the night until/unless he has stayed sober throughout the day, for example. If he is able to do that for weeks at a time, then maybe allow the overnights. That's just an example. I would talk to a family law attorney about what your options may be given your legitimate concerns about the well-being of the kids.
Nine and ten are pretty young to count on the kids to assess dad's condition and to accurately report it. It also puts them in an uncomfortable place of potentially getting dad "in trouble."
The court might order initial daytime only visits, with the kids not spending the night until/unless he has stayed sober throughout the day, for example. If he is able to do that for weeks at a time, then maybe allow the overnights. That's just an example. I would talk to a family law attorney about what your options may be given your legitimate concerns about the well-being of the kids.
Nine and ten are pretty young to count on the kids to assess dad's condition and to accurately report it. It also puts them in an uncomfortable place of potentially getting dad "in trouble."
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 35
"Alcohol evaluation" helps. I was able to google that to start getting a handle on what I needed to do, thanks!
Yes, I agree 9 & 10 are too young to assess and report. By "opening dialogue" with them, I meant more putting words to the behavior that they have seen from their father. It's been very unspoken and ignored and denied until now. It was a discussion about facts about alcohol, why people drink, why some people drink too much, what some of the effects of alcohol are, that sort of thing. This was recommended by our counselor. It was not in any way a, "You need to tell me when your father has been drinking." conversation.
Yes, I agree 9 & 10 are too young to assess and report. By "opening dialogue" with them, I meant more putting words to the behavior that they have seen from their father. It's been very unspoken and ignored and denied until now. It was a discussion about facts about alcohol, why people drink, why some people drink too much, what some of the effects of alcohol are, that sort of thing. This was recommended by our counselor. It was not in any way a, "You need to tell me when your father has been drinking." conversation.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
My AXH did not have a DUI, or rehab, or ER visits to prove his alcoholism.
I did have receipts. I had credit card receipts for booze. I had restaurant/bar receipts for booze. I was the family financial secretary. I had access to all the credit card and bank statements. I was able to show my lawyer the paper trail for booze.
This paper trail wasn't going to be much if he contested the allegations. But like most alcoholics ~ he wasn't going to spend precious booze money on hiring a lawyer and fighting the charges.
As far as visitation with an active alcoholic, this is what my experience has been:
An actively drinking alcoholic isn't going to voluntarily keep up their visitation schedule. They will have many, many excuses why they need to change plans.
My response is to allow all the changes requested. I get to spend more time with my children!
I did have receipts. I had credit card receipts for booze. I had restaurant/bar receipts for booze. I was the family financial secretary. I had access to all the credit card and bank statements. I was able to show my lawyer the paper trail for booze.
This paper trail wasn't going to be much if he contested the allegations. But like most alcoholics ~ he wasn't going to spend precious booze money on hiring a lawyer and fighting the charges.
As far as visitation with an active alcoholic, this is what my experience has been:
An actively drinking alcoholic isn't going to voluntarily keep up their visitation schedule. They will have many, many excuses why they need to change plans.
My response is to allow all the changes requested. I get to spend more time with my children!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
My AH is a functioning alcoholic too and I am just starting to get things in order to leave him. We have young kids, 7 and pre-k and I am really nervous aboout this because he has no DUI, no arrests, no sick days etc. Nothing to "prove" he drinks. He is a well-respected professional by day and drinks every night. Most of the time he is not "intoxicated" but occasionally 2-3 times a month, he is. Sometimes he controls his drinking well and occasionally not so well. My kids are too young to really notice anything yet. They love their Dad dearly which makes it hard to separate. I know I dont want to be with this man any longer but I'd be willing to stay to enusre my kids are safe and happy. I'm really torn as to what to do but figure I will get my "ducks in a row" so that if an when I am ready to leave, I can.
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