Time4change22

I don't know how this all creeped up on me. I've been aware of it, but I've been losing control and have somewhat stopped trying to fight it. I just seem to have given in to drinking, just because it's easy and makes me feel good. It makes other things more enjoyable for me.
I'm embarrassed about it and I don't want to talk to anyone about it.
I'd say i'm functioning. I feel like I've stopped noticing hangovers, unless they are super severe, and I just feel so overwhelmed. There is so much to do,and I just want to focus on getting sober. Since I'm trying to hide the fact that I've been drinking so much, I can't even really tell people why I just feel like staying in. I fee like I need to get away and reboot or something.
I'm feeling so sad today. I drank all morning and stopped around 1pm because I have to go play basketball tonight. I'm nervous I'm going to smell like booze.
I don't even know what I need, I don't even like the idea of not drinking, because it seems to be the only time when I actually feel good.

SoberForMySon

I relate well. You sound just like I was only 11 days ago. You will fit right in here. Welcome.

Time4change22

I just burst out crying and I don't know why.
For some reason, that meant so much to me. Thank you.

nomis

Crazy isn't it? This disease really knows how to play tricks on us. Because the truth is, in the end, alcohol makes us feel guilty, embarrassed, depressed, sick and overall horrible. And sobriety, if you stick with it, makes all of those feelings disappear.

It's almost as if alcoholism makes us see the world upside down through an inverted lens.

Yep know that feeling well. This being Sunday, I would usually start my binge on Friday night. Sundays and Mondays were not my friends.

The bad news is you might very well stink of booze and even if you don't I can guarantee you won't be any fun to be around. The good news is you don't have to live this way anymore. Sobriety IS an option for us all.

Anna

If alcohol is causing problems in your life, then it's probably a good idea to stop drinking.

I hope that you continue to read and post here.

Hevyn

Welcome Time2change. Don't be sad - you have all of us, and we understand what you're going through. You'll find support, good suggestions, and a lot of hope here. Glad to have you aboard.

Time4change22

I don't even know where my head is at right now. I'm just really thankful for the posts you few have put here already. It gives me a little hope.
I'm definitely more of a binge drinking and I get more emotional hangovers than physical.
What can I expect to go through? I know it will be different. But maybe being prepared for what I will be facing will help me..Can anyone give me some advice on things I can do to help myself?

kizzy40

Does anyone know how you feel, family or friends?... You sound like you really need to reach out to someone, nobody is going to guess theres a problem, you have to tell them
What are your thoughts on counselling or AA?
You did the right thing logging on here it's a wonderful support, no judgement no pressure.

vegibean

You know Time, if you can give sobriety a chance, you may find that after you're sober, you go "why have I been doing this to myself???" You'll fee so much better. Alcohol did so many things to me that I thought was helping and when I got sober I found out what a big devil's advocate it really was. It caused me anxiety, stress, sleeplessness and made me feel sick and tired all of the time. Being clean totally is wonderful. Your days while may be challenging at times you'll feel how good you feel and that's the best part. Alcohol is a horrible drug. :/

Time4change22

You're right Kizzy. I think about counselling and that a lot and know that it would help. I just find it so hard to reach out. I don't know what it is. I think maybe it makes me feel weak. I have tried to make appointments before, I just seem to never follow through. Or I will sober up for a bit and feel like its all fine, but then I slowly get back to binging and then when I push too far is when I start to feel like this.
I don't understand what it is that just makes me want to drink so badly. I find it really hard to just relax and always think that just one drink will make whatever it is I'm doing that much better. I actually really prefer to drink alone too.
I seem to be in some sort of cycle where when things get good, I almost feel bored or something..
I guess for now, I'm going to start by posting here and see where it takes me. I feel like I'm not ready to take the step of really telling other people my dark secrets.
I'm going for it vegibean. My first goal is to stay sober tonight. Then tomorrow. Then for the whole week.
Day 1 here I come..

Hevyn

How's it going for you today, Time4change? We're thinking of you.

nigey1

Nearly 9 months ago I was anxious, depressed and couldnt for the life of me figure out how it went so wrong. A 20 year progression from fun to hell.

To look back now is to remember a different person, its not all beer and skittles at the moment (pardon the pun) but is pretty damn good.

Although you are telling yourself "thats fine for them but it couldnt happen for me" do me one favour and just believe it can.

Then take the first step, you know deep down what it is.

Best of luck

wiscsober

Common facets about alcoholism is guilt and shame, isolation and loneliness. Embarrassment can lead to these four things.

If you can put down the bottle to play basketball...find other things to do without drinking.

If you are an alcoholic or severe problem drinker you need help beyond yourself...be it a GP, contacting AA members for a visit...It may seem safe to be alone but isolation and loneliness is what we arise from to lead sober lives.

Time4change22

Thanks again to everyone for posting to me. I'm up and ready to go. I feel anxious, and depressed, like anything could set me off. I've been through this dread before and I know it will only last a couple days
The hard part will be to not go back to the booze once I feel fine sober again.
I'm going to play sports tonight so hopefully that will help.
Thanks so much for the support.

Dee74

great advice here - welcome to SR

D

Time4change22

Scary to wake up this morning and think. OH MY GOD, this is only day 2?!

I felt 'okay' throughout the day yesterday, later in the day I was a bit up and down and got pretty tired. Just general instability of emotions I guess. Sunday night I was pretty bummed and then couldn't sleep. Start of Monday was kind of rough, but once I got into the swing of things it was okay.

Not the greatest sleep last night, bit of night sweats and vivid dreaming. Better than the night before though.
I find I wake up more tired when I haven't had any drinks than if I do. The difference is that I feel clean energy coming through me in the day when I haven't been drinking. If I have been, my easier wake up leads to feeling like crap all day.
I've been here before and I know I'm going to go through some false elation of feeling like I don't have a problem and that I'm going to feel this fantastic all the time! But I know it's an up and down ride and that after the couple days of feeling absolutely great, I'll be battling the urge to drink again.
Thanks again for the support.
I'm just really starting to write to get my thoughts out. I hope it doesn't bother anyone and please don't feel pressure to reply or feel bad for me!
Thanks!

AshleyNickel

Once again, exactly like me...it's like I get bored when I start feeling better physically. Also me, I hate, hate, hate, talking to people about it. I went to AA and it did not help whatsoever. This site is good because it is truly anonymous.

I will keep an eye on you to see how we're doing.
Ciao!

nfijules

I was at your point at one time...miserable and didnt know how to function in life w/out a drink or any other substance. I finally had enough....booked myself into treatment and have continued on an awsome road of recovery for the past 2 years. I am a member of AA and CMA and have found new friends and a completly new life. I had to do all the work and be WILLING - no half measures for me. For if I do, I will slip into my old ways. It takes work and determination...but you can do it! I am not saying you have to do it my way, this is just what worked and works for me. Goodluck and keep coming around! You're so worth it!

TrixMixer

Hi TFC,

I was just like you, never wanting to share or reach out.People came to me to tell me their problems and I went to the bottle for mine. The thought of letting people know my deepest thoughts was deeply disturbing to me, that is why AA did not work for me.

However Counseling was my savior. We meed to be accountable to someone. We need to face them each week and report on our progress. The counselor did not bother me, because I knew they were being PAID to listen, and it would always be confidential.

Try the counseling before you get bored, and are back to drinking. Perhaps this will work for you.

In the meantime, please keep posting and

TrixMixer

Sasha4

I don't think I ever really talked about 'it' to anyone about it.
If I did talk about it, I shared here or at AA with people who understood.
I saw it as my battle to fight no-one else's.
I also wanted to figure things out in my own mind, without the input of well meaning people who really had no idea of addiction.

I read a lot here. I learnt about addiction, things I had no idea about.
I went to some AA meetings and listened.
I found a lot of the things they did and thought were similar to my thoughts and actions.

I started with a day one.
I never planned how long I was going to go for.
I just woke up and thought today I won't drink.

At first it was not straight forward, but I can honestly say it was not really, really difficult.
I kept extra busy and that helped.
I spent time here too.

We are all rooting for you and we all understand some of the fears you might have.

Take care xx