LoveMeNow

I was suppose to go home last Friday but I canceled my flight! I just didn't want to go back although I really miss my dogs!

I had a wonderful visit with my father. Even as he lays there dying from cancer and was barely recognizable, he was still the star of the show. He is truly a charismatic man with such an amazing (and sick) sense of humor! Later, his wife called to tell me he was so happy to see us and it really lifted his spirits. If it is my last time seeing him, I am at peace with it.

I have been having a great time with my Godchild and her 2 1/2 little girl. I forgot how tiring kids can be, lol. But no one can put a smile on my face like she can. My Godchild has been such a source of inspiration to me. I am amazed at how healthy, independent and strong she has become.

My husband is not doing well. I knew my leaving would send him into a tailspin. Although my recovery has been judged by some and I know I have back slid a lot......I accept that I can not control his choices and that I am powerless! In many ways, I have already lost the man I fell in love with and although I continue to struggle with coming to terms with that....I am closer to acceptance! It is what it is!

He is hurt and angry at me for not coming home to "help" him stay clean for his vivitrol shot, which he had already rescheduled. My reply was I can not control YOUR choices and I can not rescue you. Get clean or don't, the choice is yours and yours alone! I refuse to engage in his manipulation tactics anymore and he really doesn't like it.

I feel very comfortable with my decision. I am getting some needed clarity, strength, and peace of mind! It has become painfully obvious that my "support" was just more enabling on my behalf.


P.S. There was nothing spiteful about my current or previous actions. I view active addiction as evil, and I don't want it in my life or near me! I feel no need to verbally express my boundaries. I want to be a person of action, not words and reactions! I know I must get off the fence and stop allowing his choices to decide MY future but just for today.... I am happy and enjoying my life! The rest will come!

ZiggyStardust91

Thank you for sharing this. I felt like the hardest part so far for me has been accepting that I am powerless to someone else's addiction. All I can do Is cast it out of my mind.

Thanks again, you've brightened my day.
Ziggy

Ps- enjoy yourself, you deserve it!

dollydo

I am glad that you have this time to spend with your father. I lost mine on 2/28/2010, although it was sudden, I was able to spend 5 days with him before he passed. Take your time, your hubby "should" be able to take care of himself.

jerect

LoveMeNow I'm glad you cancelled your flight.. Spend as much time as you can with your dad because those are days that you will never get back... I lost my dad when I was 24 and I spent the last week of his life at his bedside and would do it again in a heartbeat

Your not responsible for your husbands recovery or his non recovery and you know that... It sounds like to me he's just manipulating you so that he will have someone to blame if he relapses.. Take care of you right now and enjoy this time with your dad

Anaya

So good to see your post. You sound very positive, and I wish you continued strength.

It's five years this month since my dad passed and I do miss him; I am ever grateful that I had a chance to spend time with him before he moved on from this world.

Nice to hear that you and your dad enjoyed your time together. Prayers to you all for peace and comfort during this challenging time.

crazybabie

LMN, I can feel the excitement in your post about the time you shared with your Goddaughter and her daughter isn't it wonderful when we do something that makes us feel that way? I can also feel the love you have for your dad even after everything and you seem at peace I am glad for you about that. You also know the games hubby is trying to play and your not playing your recovery continues to shine.

Ann

I see remarkable recovery in your decision and your post.

Sometimes we just have to grope as we go and do "the next right thing".

What is awesome here is that YOUR recovery doesn't depend on how he is doing. That's huge. We cannot live in their addiction and our recovery at the same time, and once we get strong in our own recovery, letting go of their lack of it becomes easier.

Enjoy your vacation. Take your time and do what is right for you.

Hugs

bluebelle

I'm glad you had this wonderful time with your father. What a blessing! You sound really good. Good for you for not running back to "rescue" your AH. I think it is good that you clarified that it is his choice.

Vale

LMN,

You are strong,you will endure. I agree with Ann,it is remarkable how
far you have come-----helping so many others (like me!) in the process.

We all want to say yes.We'd all like to believe yes is better than no.But it is not
so.Like ying and yang,one is meaningless (and purposeless) without the other.

So whether our stories end in triumph,an obituary,or just a long drawn out
meaningless stretch of pain.......WE are the ones who decide what words cross
our lips.

Sometimes,that word must be NO.

No,I will not volunteer to be mistreated anymore.
No,that is not OK.

Because YES,I am a human being who deserves dignity and respect.
And if you do not give it to me......I will take it.

And I do not care if that agrees with you or not.
I ask no ones permission to live my life.

supportforme

LMN -
I know I haven't posted in a while but wanted to give you support. Stay as long as you need. One of my biggest regrets was not making the effort I should have to see my dying father - I lost him over 7 years ago and I regret it every day. You have come such a long way in your recovery. Miss you ---

broken101

Enjoy the time you have with your dad. I lost my dad on 01/07/12 and I did not get to see him before he passed I miss it by a week as I was so caught up with my ex, i feel like I did not go through the griving process for my dad as of yet as I have been so consumed by my life with my ex. As everyone said he can take care of himself. I will do it all over if I was given the chance unfortunetally I will not get that chance.

laurie6781

Yes, enjoy the time with your dad. My dad died on Friday Oct 13, 2000, yep Friday the 13th and if I had not had an old friend that sent his personal plane for me I would not have been able to be with him. As it was I arrived on 10/12/2000 and was able to spend the last 18 hours or so with him. He knew it was me, and even Mom said she could see a change in him, when he realized I was there. I still miss him to this day and it is particularly hard for me on his birthday, on fathers day, the day he passed and on Xmas.

I am glad you have decided for you to stay longer. You sound strong!!!! Your recovery is SHINING!!!!! And once again you have made my heart smile!!!!!

Love and hugs,

LoveMeNow

Woo hoo!! I just got off the phone with my sister and she is coming up this weekend so now i must stay longer. LOL My sister is without a doubt the funniest person I know so I am looking forward to a weekend of being doubled over with laughter! Humor is always so healing for me and I have missed it so much in my life lately!

I know they still love my husband and feel compassion for him but I get the feeling there is a conspiracy to keep me here. Who knows, maybe I may never go home.

cangel2

LMN, I love the lightness in your tone through these last couple of posts! Isn't spending time with positive and caring people wonderful healing.

I don't post much here but I always make a point of reading your posts; they provide me with much comfort and hope.

About not going home.....maybe you are home?

Thank you for sharing all that you do!

Vale

It is good to hear you happy!

lightseeker

I'm really glad that you've gotten to suspend time with your father.... And now to get to see your sister! Not only is this a gift to you in the here and now it's also a gift to your future... You will always look back in gratitude to taking this time.

Appreciate the updates!