Starbaby928

I'm very anxious today. I lost my partner she to my drinking due to about 4 separate occurrences spread over a 5 month period.

I miss her support. I just want to crawl into her arms and cry or sleep. But she's not here. And I know it's my doing... But I'm angry, and I'm anxious, and I'm alone.

It's only Day 3 for me. I'm going to a Beginner's Meeting after work tomorrow.

Right now though- I feel overwhelmed I supposed. I have no idea how I got here... I lost the one person I felt totally comfortable with... I didn't lose her so much as push her away I guess.

I feel guilt, shame & regret. And I feel guilty for engaging in this process now... Why couldn't I have done this sooner... Knowing how much I hurt her... I feel guilt when I feel positive about this process... Like I don't truly deserve this...

I don't know... Maybe this will pass. I feel like I'm fixating on her.

ClearLight

You might consider a meeting today. Why wait until tomorrow?
Or maybe even the chat room here?
Something to think about.

sugarbear1

Metro Area Maps and Meeting Directories

Today is a great day to start!!

Starbaby928

Thanks y'all... The meeting tomorrow is for beginners... Is there a difference? Can I just go to any meeting? I have a center picked out already that embraces other certain aspects of my life so that I can focus on the task at hand.

The fall-out from this has cast a wide net & decimated my familial ties & social circles... So I'm struggling in this moment... I know I'm focusing on the right thing but I'm anxious to "fix" those other relationships.

Coldfusion

Please go to ANY meeting, Starbaby.

You will likely find a "home group" or favorite meeting, but any "open" or "closed" (alcoholics only) meeting will welcome you.

We had a woman show up at our men's meeting recently, and we welcomed her because she needed a meeting.

Starbaby928

It's not even that I want a drink in this moment. I'm just so emotional... I can't quit crying and I feel a deep sense of loss & guilt.

Lavender520

Starbaby I completely understand what you're going through. I've just lost my partner and I'm at a loss of what to do. I know that even though we're not together though its still important for me to get better, for myself, not even for anyone else. I want to be happy, but there's no chance of that until I get better and am happy with myself.

I know its not going to be easy, but we can get through this, we will feel better, as hard as that is to see right now. Hang in there, and I'll do the same

Starbaby928

Hey Lavender- thanks... I saw your posts yesterday & know we're riding the same wave. Appreciate the solidarity. It's nice knowing people here have my back.

Starbaby928

I didn't go to a meeting but I did meet someone for dinner that's in recovery. She also knows the backstory of how I got here. She listened, prepared me for what to expect tomorrow. I'm going to sleep much more centered than I was earlier.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. Thanks to all for your advice & caring!

I'm learning that reaching out here, to people where I live, to family isn't a bad thing. I was so afraid of the stigma.

janiebluebird

Good luck tomorrow, let me know how it goes. Losing a parter in love in one of the most painful things to go through. I am going through something similar. I have my good days and my bad days. I keep reminding myself that no matter what, the more I improve myself, the better off I'll be...regardless of what happened. Try to keep your spirits up.

Dee74

hey starbaby

yeah it's hard to go through this without the one you want to be with and to know you basically set it up this way....been there.

The thing is we have to deal with the now - and the now is about you getting yourself together and into recovery.

Everything else comes after that - recovery's like the hub and axel of the wheel - nothing else works without it and we can't get anywhere.

Things will sort themselves out one way or another, and you will feel better in time - I promise

D

Starbaby928

Thanks y'all! Realistically I don't want her to go through this with me. She deserves her space to heal and deal with her feelings about what I've done.

I just get caught in these moments of panic sometimes...

I truly appreciate the support!

SB