Lavender520

I got it into my head on Tuesday that I could get away with drinking again. I was meant to meet my boyfriend on Friday to try and work things out, but I drank too much and couldn't make it. I didn't let him know either as I was asleep so didn't answer my phone. Any hope of us getting back together is gone, I love him so much I can't believe I acted this way. Why do I keep doing this? I'm letting everyone down, I've made such a mess. He won't even talk to me, I can't imagine my life without him, how can I have done this?

Dee74

as long as I thought I could get away with it, I drank Lavender.

The 'trick' to recovery for me was to challenge those ideas that it was 'ok' to drink, and to reach out for help.

You can do it

D

Starbaby928

Lavender- I think most folks, if not all, on SR have hurt someone they love at some point just by the nature of the fact that we're alcoholics.

I'm in a similar boat, only riding the wave a little further behind you. My partner didn't reach out to meet... Others have said, and I believe they're right, we have to focus on us in this moment. I know in my heart of hearts I'm not ready to be a partner to anyone until I have balance through a sober life.

Today is only Day 2 for me.... it's a roller coaster... hang in there... It hurts badly but I truly believe it will get better for us.

Lavender520

You're right, I can't get better unless I focus on myself. Right now it's hard to be positive when I just miss him so much. I had to force myself to eat something today because I know I should but I didn't want to, I just feel so depressed. I know this is part of withdrawal too, but I just feel so sad.

Starbaby928

Hey- trust me- I totally understand. I spent my afternoon crying my eyes out and nearly having a panic attack.

But when I step back, I don't want her to go through this with me... I want her to heal from what I did. And, if she calls me, and I'm holding out hope she will, I will be in a better place to have a dialogue with her.

This is hard stuff... But you're not alone!

Take care Lavender.

SB

soberlicious

But have you gotten away with it? The price is high...too high. You can make a change if you want to.

FeelingGreat

Lavender, focus on being the best person YOU can be. Do you have an 'ideal' Lavender in your head? How would she live her life?
It's devastating when you lose someone you love, all my best wishes for your future.

artsoul

I'm sorry for what you're going through. It has to hurt a lot. If you can turn this into motivation and take advantage of having time to yourself, it can be the beginning of something positive.

I used to ask myself "why" a lot, too. Addiction is baffling.... I used to make promises to myself not to drink and break them the same day. I also used to drink more when I knew I had an obligation the next day. It made no sense.

You're not alone in this. It took a lot of regrets for me to finally accept I wasn't going to win the battle. I had to give up the hope that could be a moderate drinker.

Give yourself some TLC and know that we're here for you.

CrossFox

This is/was me. It took me being too hungover to drive down the street to accept a blank check for my dream career for me to finally get serious about - and look forward to - getting real help in addiction support groups.

Lavender520

That's exactly what I do, it's so stupid but at the time it always seems like the best idea. I've done this so many times, you'd think I'd learn.

Drinking just causes so many problems. I didn't picture my life this way, I wish I could go back in time to my 14 year old self and talk sense into her. It's funny, I used to hate it when my mum drank too much, now look at me. I'm so much worse.

soberlicious

Many many times I have wished for a do-over. None of us can go back, but all of us can move forward. Lavender, you can decide that you will not give away any more of your precious life to alcohol. Many here have successfully done the same.

Lavender520

I'm back again, lower then before but I'm back. Things have ended up worse, my boyfriend and I have broken up, he couldn't stand to see me destroy myself, and why should he? I'm staying with family but I ended up raising their alcohol cabinet while they were out - why did I do that? They were only trying to look out for me.

They've now taken all the alcohol out of the house and there aren't at shops nearby - I though about ringing for a taxi to go and get some - I guess right now it seems like staying drunk forever gets rid of my problems.

I haven't drunk today though and I know I'll feel better in afew days. It's funny how I drink to feel 'normal', I think it's been so long I don't know what 'normal' is, like even when I'm not drinking and I'm sober for a time, I still feel awkward round people, like I can't sit with myself.

The only time I feel better I was with my boyfriend - but if I can't be comfortable being me, how the hell can I maintain a relationship.

I think I need to learn how to just be me, start to like myself and look after myself. Stop worrying that I'm not pretty enough or I'm too fat or I'm not clever enough, or that I'm not worth anything if my hair is different or my nails aren't painted, or f I don't say the right things or anything else. Because drinking doesn't fix any of these things it just switched my head off - and there's nothing wrong with these things if only I'd just stop drinking and see that.

And I don't have to be happy go lucky all the time, if I'm not I should tell someone about it not just drink. I want to be happy and spend time with my family and actually be useful and reliable, not just a drunken mess. I want to be trustworthy and be able to have a family. I can't have the life I want by drinking. And I shouldn't just expect all of this to fall in my lap, it's going to be hard but I have to work for it. I need to stop myself morning an evening, as thank for every day I'm not drinking. I wish I'd just feel better today at least my head is spinning, I jar want this week to be over.

Sorry this is rambling abit, I just wanted to get some of this stuff out, stop it racing around in my head like a washing machine.

sparky78

Things ALWAYS ended up worse for me. I have yet to meet someone with an alcohol or drug problem who resumed their DOC and things got better. Do you want to make a real effort to stop drinking? If your not entirely sure/ready, why not commit to 30 days and see how you feel then?

I remember losing a boyfriend over drinking too, then drinking over the loss of the relationship. It's a slippery slope, and just lead to more and more losses for me. Eventually I decided that I was no longer willing to give up everything I cared about for a drink. Glad that you are hearing posting!

DisplacedGRITS

you know, there's a big group of people who will like you for you and help you to learn to love yourself. ever consider AA? it's scary at first but you make friends fast. there are even AA groups for young people in many areas. it's hard for us to make those first few steps in sobriety. so much of our self worth is wrapped up in how alcohol makes us feel. we've forgotten what it's like to be sad or stressed or upset and how to feel those feelings and let them naturally pass. remember, just because you feel bad now doesn't mean you will feel bad forever. make a list of reasons you don't want to drink anymore. make a list of goals you want to one day accomplish that you can't if you continue to drink. keep these lists somewhere where you can easily view them if you get the urge. i have a note to myself on my bathroom mirror that reminds me to do my best every day and that my best is good enough. consider AA. there is a lot of sobriety there and they will love you as you learn to love yourself. i know i feel a lot happier just knowing that i have a ton of phone numbers in my phone if i need to talk to anyone. it makes me feel a lot less alone.

glad you're finally giving up the fight with alcohol. remember, the only power you have is the power over that first drink. once you drink alcohol, it wins. it wins by a landslide. if you choose to engage it, you will lose and it will continue to run riot over your life. keep coming around, hon. it always feels better to post here before you drink rather than after!

ScottFromWI

Actually, it's not funny at all ( drinking to feel normal ) I understand you probably didn't mean that literally, but it reminds me that the main reason I quit was just that - drinking was no longer to feel good, but just to feel normal.

And the next phase after "drinking to feel normal" is drinking helplessly because you can't stop and you still feel bad, no matter how much you drink. And after that comes liver disease, heart problems, ulcers, and eventually death. All of those things can, and most likely will happen - the only question is when.

But you probably know all that already, right? So the million dollar question is how do you quit - is that your goal? At some point you ( and all of us ) just needed to make the decision to stop. To want sobriety more than alcohol. Until that happens most stay stuck in the cycle you are in right now. The good news is, you can do it. And there are plenty of people here to help. You just need to make the choice and committ..are you ready?

Lavender520

Thank you - just glad this is here and I can't talk, I really do appreciate it.

I do what to stop this has to be the last time. I just can't see how things can get worse for me, but I know they can and I need to stop this. I need to remember this day, and never forget it. And how quickly all this happened, and how I didn't think it could but it has. I can't let this happen anymore - I hate who I've become, but I can change who I'm going to be. I have to. I just want to be happy.

Lavender520

Crap this seems so daunting right now, just looking people in the eye again, and how much I've got to apologise for.

It can't be harder then how I'm feeling right now is though.

DisplacedGRITS

don't worry about making a ton of apologies just yet. perhaps, make them for the immediate stuff you've done but don't make any promises. it's better to just start doing the sober thing and letting people see that rather than make promises early that don't have any action behind them yet. you're making the right moves, hon. i'm glad to see you here.

sparky78

It is the hardest! As you get more sober time under your belt, you will get physically and mentally stronger everyday. Your guilt and shame over things that you did the night before also dissolves and becomes replaced with happiness that you now have x amount of days sober and didn't drink yesterday or today. No one would stay sober if it didn't get better!

ScottFromWI

Actually it can - a LOT harder. You are still alive, you aren't in jail or the hospital, you still have the ability to read and write, and so on ans so forth.

Out of curiosity, how have you gone about trying to quit previous times? Have you followed any recovery or detox programs? AA is always a good first choice, or any of the other secular recovery programs. Your local area most likely has counceling or outpatient/inpatient prorgrams as well.

Bottom line, you have to pick a program and committ to it. Hating yourself won't help anyone, especially you. Pity won't help either - you have to make the conscious descion that YOU are going to quit. And then make CONCRETE plans on how you are going to quit. SR can be a big part of that.