Seperation or Divorce?
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: San Diego
Posts: 88
Seperation or Divorce?
How do you choose between the two? How did you?
(promise the is my last thread for a few days
)
Since I'm now out of the house I'm pondering the separation vs. divorce question. AH has somewhat successfully been "trying not to drink" for about a month but refuses treatment/help (he's been twice already). On his last slip I vacated to premises as I set my boundary as "I cannot live with an active alcoholic not in active treatment". I've been out of the house just 4 days. We haven't talked once. We've been married 5 months.
Where do you go from there?
(promise the is my last thread for a few days
)Since I'm now out of the house I'm pondering the separation vs. divorce question. AH has somewhat successfully been "trying not to drink" for about a month but refuses treatment/help (he's been twice already). On his last slip I vacated to premises as I set my boundary as "I cannot live with an active alcoholic not in active treatment". I've been out of the house just 4 days. We haven't talked once. We've been married 5 months.
Where do you go from there?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
wow, five months huh? and you are already out of the house.
somewhat successfully trying not to drink. i presume that boils down to...STILL DRINKNG?
just for me, cuz that's the only experience strength and hope i can draw from, out means out, over means over. i just don't see a lot of promise the way things fleshed out here. maybe an annulment is in order??
wishing you the best. learn to trust your inner voice.
somewhat successfully trying not to drink. i presume that boils down to...STILL DRINKNG?
just for me, cuz that's the only experience strength and hope i can draw from, out means out, over means over. i just don't see a lot of promise the way things fleshed out here. maybe an annulment is in order??
wishing you the best. learn to trust your inner voice.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: San Diego
Posts: 88
He's been not drinking most days but last week got really drunk a few in a row. Also sniped some pain pills I had for a back injury. He had 5 months when we met and lasted three more while dating then launched into everyday drinking for awhile culminating in a withdrawel seizure on my moms kitchen floor when he decided to try and stop around Christmas. Even that didn't stop multiple drinking episodes since.
Such a mess. I do feel a little weak because I only made it 5 months. Maybe this will be the time he gets it? Or maybe not. He's gone dry for periods before and relapsed. Not sure I can invest in our future with certainty like I once thought I could. I just know I can't be in the house at the moment. Seeing him slip leads to pretty bad fights (hit a glass out of my hand last time and said insulting things).
Such a mess. I do feel a little weak because I only made it 5 months. Maybe this will be the time he gets it? Or maybe not. He's gone dry for periods before and relapsed. Not sure I can invest in our future with certainty like I once thought I could. I just know I can't be in the house at the moment. Seeing him slip leads to pretty bad fights (hit a glass out of my hand last time and said insulting things).
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 284
LadySage,
Your 5-months is not a sign of weakness on your part, so stop beating yourself up over that one. You are aware of the severity of the problem and you are doing what you need to in response to that. Maybe a bit later, you can try to figure out why you committed yourself to someone who is not willing to do the same. But, that is less important at the moment.
As for your question about divorce or legal separation... That answer will become clear to you through time and through discussions with an attorney. You don't need to make your mind up right away, but do make sure that you are protected from whatever financial or legal issues your AH may incite.
Take care,
Fathom
PS There is no posting limit, so feel free!
Your 5-months is not a sign of weakness on your part, so stop beating yourself up over that one. You are aware of the severity of the problem and you are doing what you need to in response to that. Maybe a bit later, you can try to figure out why you committed yourself to someone who is not willing to do the same. But, that is less important at the moment.
As for your question about divorce or legal separation... That answer will become clear to you through time and through discussions with an attorney. You don't need to make your mind up right away, but do make sure that you are protected from whatever financial or legal issues your AH may incite.
Take care,
Fathom
PS There is no posting limit, so feel free!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I wasn't in the house much longer than you when I was married the last time. Got married in May, moved across the country to join him (he had moved in advance before we got married), lived with him until February, and then I was out of there, having concluded he was going to continue to drink after nearly dying of it once. So I lived with him 7-8 months.
At first we just separated--my reasoning being that there was no rush about getting divorced. That changed when I heard he was considering moving to Africa to live with his sister. The thought of having to divorce someone no longer in the U.S. lit a fire under me and I got the divorce in a matter of months (he never did move to Africa, but he moved to another state shortly afterward).
I think it's probably simpler to divorce sooner rather than later. I'm not sure what the property laws in California are, but you could wind up having to share your properties or assume his liabilities incurred after your separation.
The thing is, you can always get re-married later if you were to decide to do that. It might be smart to cut your ties now, though, before things get too complicated.
At first we just separated--my reasoning being that there was no rush about getting divorced. That changed when I heard he was considering moving to Africa to live with his sister. The thought of having to divorce someone no longer in the U.S. lit a fire under me and I got the divorce in a matter of months (he never did move to Africa, but he moved to another state shortly afterward).
I think it's probably simpler to divorce sooner rather than later. I'm not sure what the property laws in California are, but you could wind up having to share your properties or assume his liabilities incurred after your separation.
The thing is, you can always get re-married later if you were to decide to do that. It might be smart to cut your ties now, though, before things get too complicated.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Indiana
Posts: 147
Personally, I chose a separation over a divorce. (Been married for 4 1/2 years, together for 7.)He is an alcoholic /opiate addict. Asked him to leave 1week ago.Please feel free to read my other posts. Good luck!
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
I was married to my addict husband for about 5 months when I found out about his drug problems and how bad the problems really work.. I tried to make to work for 5 years.. Filing for divorce once and backing out when he went to rehab.. Of course the rehab didn't work because he went in order for me to stop the divorce and not for himself..
You've only been married for 5 months.. This is not a way to start a marriage.. Trust me.. Your trust is gone and your foundation is cracked before your marriage has even had a chance to start..
When people are married I try not to encourage divorce but in your case I would file.. Things will only get worse... You haven't been married very long so like Anvil said maybe and annulment
You've only been married for 5 months.. This is not a way to start a marriage.. Trust me.. Your trust is gone and your foundation is cracked before your marriage has even had a chance to start..
When people are married I try not to encourage divorce but in your case I would file.. Things will only get worse... You haven't been married very long so like Anvil said maybe and annulment
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
I found myself pondering this question myself....in our situation, I am looking to either divorce or separate to keep my finances/assets clear of his. In my state, a legal separation does NOT provide this; only a divorce does. Not all states are the same.
We have no kids to take into consideration and no religious issues w/divorce.
I eventually arrived at the same conclusion as Lexiecat posted at the end of the post: If things change, we can always remarry, so there is really no reason for me to not divorce.
Don't know if any of that helps you in your thought process.
We have no kids to take into consideration and no religious issues w/divorce.
I eventually arrived at the same conclusion as Lexiecat posted at the end of the post: If things change, we can always remarry, so there is really no reason for me to not divorce.
Don't know if any of that helps you in your thought process.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I am in California and I looked at both options. The way the attorney explained it to me, the result is exactly the same either way, except legal separation means you cannot marry someone else. Also, if you choose a legal separation and later decide you want a divorce, you have to file again, pay the filing fees, etc. (which in this state are not cheap!)
So, even though I had no plans to get married ever again, I went ahead with the divorce just because I didn't want to have to have another court proceeding later on down the road.
L
So, even though I had no plans to get married ever again, I went ahead with the divorce just because I didn't want to have to have another court proceeding later on down the road.
L
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
We had been separated for a little over 2 years & he had moved back in for about 6 months BEFORE I found out about the secret drinking & realized that THAT had been such a big part of the problems during those 2 yrs of separation.
We were together for 13-14 very happy years before things started to fall apart & things got complicated, and that was a big part of why I chose to stay & work on it. In early recovery I did sometimes wish that we hadn't already been separated because I could see the benefit of having more distance; but by that point we couldn't afford it & I knew that *I* couldn't handle it emotionally. (I didn't know as much as I do now about codependency & addiction
) All I saw was that in the time he had lived out of the house we went from having reasonable marital problems to him becoming a secretive, raging drunk. When he moved out we were actually in an ok place & he was supposed to take time to work on him & his issues but he never actually did until he hit his rock bottom moment AFTER moving back in.
It's weird - everything in our scenario always seems backward. I do have a snarky friend who is very much enjoying how we have struggled through this & she has told me in no uncertain terms that we had more stress-free happiness in those first 13-14 yrs than many people ever get in a relationship so the fact that we've had 'a few bad years' is overdue & somewhat 'deserved'. Wow.
We were together for 13-14 very happy years before things started to fall apart & things got complicated, and that was a big part of why I chose to stay & work on it. In early recovery I did sometimes wish that we hadn't already been separated because I could see the benefit of having more distance; but by that point we couldn't afford it & I knew that *I* couldn't handle it emotionally. (I didn't know as much as I do now about codependency & addiction
) All I saw was that in the time he had lived out of the house we went from having reasonable marital problems to him becoming a secretive, raging drunk. When he moved out we were actually in an ok place & he was supposed to take time to work on him & his issues but he never actually did until he hit his rock bottom moment AFTER moving back in. It's weird - everything in our scenario always seems backward. I do have a snarky friend who is very much enjoying how we have struggled through this & she has told me in no uncertain terms that we had more stress-free happiness in those first 13-14 yrs than many people ever get in a relationship so the fact that we've had 'a few bad years' is overdue & somewhat 'deserved'. Wow.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Originally Posted by FireSprite 
I do have a snarky friend who is very much enjoying how we have struggled through this & she has told me in no uncertain terms that we had more stress-free happiness in those first 13-14 yrs than many people ever get in a relationship so the fact that we've had 'a few bad years' is overdue & somewhat 'deserved'. Wow.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad
Not much of a friend, in my opinion. No one deserves to be in a bad marriage.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: San Diego
Posts: 88
Originally Posted by honeypig
I found myself pondering this question myself....in our situation, I am looking to either divorce or separate to keep my finances/assets clear of his. In my state, a legal separation does NOT provide this; only a divorce does. Not all states are the same.
We have no kids to take into consideration and no religious issues w/divorce.
I eventually arrived at the same conclusion as Lexiecat posted at the end of the post: If things change, we can always remarry, so there is really no reason for me to not divorce.
Don't know if any of that helps you in your thought process.
We have no kids to take into consideration and no religious issues w/divorce.
I eventually arrived at the same conclusion as Lexiecat posted at the end of the post: If things change, we can always remarry, so there is really no reason for me to not divorce.
Don't know if any of that helps you in your thought process.
STBXAH has continued to drink since I've been gone (each time I would collect belongings I would notice whiskey bags/bottles/wrappers) and he has said some of the most awful things to me. He told me our marriage was a joke, our relationship a mistake, that he would come out of this better than I, that my feelings didn't matter to him and that he had a lot of great qualities to offer a better woman than I. STBXAH now wants a divorce too!
It really hurts, I feel like the whole process has been very callous and a deep violation of the trust I had that he was a loving and kind man.
As soon as I can afford the filing fees I'm going to try to get the paperwork done, hopefully since I'm such an awful woman he will have no problem cooperating with the proceedings.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Originally Posted by LadySage
How do you choose between the two? How did you?
(promise the is my last thread for a few days)
Since I'm now out of the house I'm pondering the separation vs. divorce question. AH has somewhat successfully been "trying not to drink" for about a month but refuses treatment/help (he's been twice already). On his last slip I vacated to premises as I set my boundary as "I cannot live with an active alcoholic not in active treatment". I've been out of the house just 4 days. We haven't talked once. We've been married 5 months.
Where do you go from there?
(promise the is my last thread for a few days
)Since I'm now out of the house I'm pondering the separation vs. divorce question. AH has somewhat successfully been "trying not to drink" for about a month but refuses treatment/help (he's been twice already). On his last slip I vacated to premises as I set my boundary as "I cannot live with an active alcoholic not in active treatment". I've been out of the house just 4 days. We haven't talked once. We've been married 5 months.
Where do you go from there?
No one here can give it to you just like you nor anyone else can
Answer the question of sobreity vs sobreity in a program for your ah.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
I'm so sorry you're dealing with such horrible treatment this early in your marriage. I think I would go for an anulment as well, sounds like he never entered into a marriage contract. I think you can claim that there was fraud on his part. Wouldn't hurt to get a legal consult and find out how things work in your state.
He doesn't seem to be doing anything to stop. You have to ask yourself if this is how you want to be living 5, 10,20 years from now. Don't forget, Alcoholism is a progressive disease. However bad it is now, it will get worse moving forward.
Good luck, and take care of yourself.
He doesn't seem to be doing anything to stop. You have to ask yourself if this is how you want to be living 5, 10,20 years from now. Don't forget, Alcoholism is a progressive disease. However bad it is now, it will get worse moving forward.
Good luck, and take care of yourself.
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