Jur123

Question for those who are no contact or little contact - did you detach emotionally before going no contact/little contact or after? I'm thinking of going very little contact with one of my sisters as the current toxic relationship is not doing any good for both of us. However, our relationship is very enmeshed and I feel guilty for going little contact, like I'm a bad person. I know that it would be the healthiest thing to do for both of us not just me, but still feel guilty. What I also want to achieve by going little contact is to feel like an individual rather then a part of our dysfunctional family, to start caring after myself instead of always being on the guard of "what happens next" in my sibling's life and playing variuos scenarios in my head about her life. I'm wondering what should I tell her? I want to let her know that I'm doing this because I'm fed up with her arrogance & manipulations, but I would be happy to renew the relationship if she gets professional help for her issues.

tromboneliness

No need to say anything -- in fact, my philosophy is that it's better not to explicitly state that you're doing... whatever it is you're doing, with this Al-Anon/ACA/CODA/etc. stuff. Telling someone, "I go to this program that says I need to take care of myself, so I'm doing that by detaching from you -- with love, understand -- and setting some boundaries. I'm going to be going no-contact with you, because I've found that our relationship is characterized by toxic enmeshment," etc., tends to backfire. They don't get it, they don't get why we're doing it, they think we're being selfish, that we're not allowed to do that because blood runs thicker than water, and yada-yada.

My approach is just... to stop calling them, not answer the phone if they call, don't call back until they've called several times, and then just say nothing of substance and be as non-committal as possible. Don't send them Christmas cards. Don't call them on their birthday. And so on. Eventually, they get the idea. (As for what I imagine they may be saying among themselves and other members of the family, I don't care. They're probably not saying a lot anyway, and if they are, so what -- that just means they'll call me less often, which is exactly what I want.)

As for what happens next in our relatives' lives, well, they're adults and can handle stuff. If they can't, well, enabling their irresponsibility hasn't done much for them up to this point, so maybe just not doing anything will actually have better results!

T

Intrepid

I went no contact with my mom almost four years ago. I struggled with feelings of guilt too, and to be honest, still do. The emotional detachment is something I have to consciously work on. I find myself obsessing about my mom at times. I have to consciously focus on other, more important areas of my life. I have to remind myself of the facts, and not spend time fantasizing about her miraculously changing one day.

Everything tromboneliness said is true. I have taken the approach he described with most of my family of origin. With my mother though, I had to say something concrete. Blowing her off would have never worked. She is the kind of person who, when I didn't answer the phone, she was at my front door ten minutes later banging the door and ringing the doorbell over and over. When I answered she would say that she had visions of me falling down the stairs and breaking my neck . If I would have just tried ignoring her, I am sure that the police would have ended up knocking on my door. The way that I handled going no contact with her was that I told her I needed to take a break. Just needed some distance and some space to work on my own issues. She still pushed the boundaries after that, but that was when I stopped returning phone calls, emails, etc. She still tests the boundary a couple of times per year, but I have learned to ignore her completely.

Good luck to you. It sounds like you are making healthy choices for you.

NWGRITS

Emotional detachment is by far the hardest part of going No/Little Contact. Being ACoA, guilt is a knee-jerk reaction. It's been implanted in us, and the toxic people in our lives know how to push the button to make it work. The physical stuff is easy. It's this emotional junk that gets us caught up in recovery and requires the most work. Time, therapy, working our recovery program. That's what it'll take. Just remember that you're worth all of it.

EveningRose

I guess I'm not clear whether you're asking if the emotional detachment came on its own before or after we went no contact, or if we consciously detached ourselves before going no contact or worked on detaching after going NC.

Maybe I'm overthinking the question, lol!

Regardless, I've gone NC with family members one by one as their behavior dictates the need. When I reached my limit, I simply quit calling. No need to announce it. It was better (at least in my case) this way, because by doing so, I learned that my mother just never called me, either, so clearly it wasn't a relationship she cared about, anyway.

With my father, I was sort of forced to say something. His words one day in my hallway were the last straw. But his birthday was the next week and my sister wanted me to come with the kids. After the very lengthy earful he'd given me on all my failings, I said, no, and told her why, including that he made it very clear just the previous week that he 'didn't like me' and 'couldn't stand being around my kids.' (Because they're loud when they sing happy birthday! )

I think the less said, though, the better. Announcing it and telling them they're toxic only adds fuel to the fire.

ETA: as to the emotional detachment, it's a continual work in progress. It's hard sometimes not to be angry and upset that they've made it clear 1) they'll treat me as they please and 2) if I don't like it, they'll just go right on having a good time without me. It's hard to know that I'm always the bad daughter and bad sister in all their eyes. My twins are currently being evaluated for autism, and I DO struggle with anger that my own parents sat in judgment on me--while I was dealing with a lying, cheating husband, a large family, and two autistic (though undiagnosed at the time) boys--rather than helping me. Rather than noting that none of my other kids behaved like that and maybe I should look into what could be behind it, they just kept lecturing me on how I wasn't a good enough parent and obviously didn't discipline them properly.

So...I feel about 89% detached. Not quite 90, lol. Certain moments bring it rushing back (like when I get called to school to deal with my boys). But it didn't happen immediately.

VickiACA

Jur123,

I don't think no-contact and detachment are the same thing. I see lots of folks that are no-contact but still seem very reactive and attached. I think it's mostly and inner job and a work in progress.

Guilt is a whole other matter. I think it's come up before in your posts. Are you working with a therapist? Sponsor?

Best wishes.
Vicki

Kialua

Vicki has a good point. Emotionally detaching and going no contact are two different things. In my case I found I was so detached it didn't matter seeing them and I never had to go no contact. For some reason unknown to me, I emotionally detached when I was just 3 or so. I remember being in my bedroom, probably after some normal chaos, and just thinking, "These people are NUTS. I will never be like them, I will never treat kids like this when I grow up, I can't wait to grow up and leave this place." I don't remember ever wishing they were nice to me or caring. I got beat daily and was molested as a teen. But I never had the desire to please them or care at all about them. I married young, (worked out too) and had normal relationships with them for some holidays and birthdays but when they created too much chaos we stopped all holidays as a family group and each sibling has their own holiday with the parents visiting one a year.

Here is a good blog I found about HOW to detach:

Sanctuary for the Abused: Boundaries & Detachment

Kialua

Here is another one

How to Be Emotionally Detached
How to Be Emotionally Detached: 6 steps (with pictures) - wikiHow

dollydo

I am no contact with my mother...yet again. We always end up doing it in the same manner, she starts screaming at me, calling me names, we are always on the phone, weird...I say "Goodbye Mother" and I go no contact.

Seems like a strange way, but, she manufactures a senario, a setup and I react, although, no contact with her is the very best situation for me.

I then become emotionally unattached.

Jur123

Thank you for your replies guys. I haven't spoken to my AS for over 3 weeks now. We had a big argument last time we spoke and neither of us have been in contact since. I suspect that she wants to go little contact herself as she mentioned something between the lines, which would be good for me.
Vicki - I was seeing a councellor, but I didn't find her helpfull at all (I was seeing a good councellor a few years ago when my AM was still alive, but she moved to a different city) . Next week I have an appointment with a new councellor so fingures crossed this time I'll be more lucky. I don't have a sponsor in Al - Anon yet and I still don't understand how the sponsorship works. Is it that we meet up with a sponsor outside the Al-Anon or we swap numbers and I can contact her/him when I feel low/need support?

VickiACA

Jur123,

Different sponsor work differently. A sponsor can be helpful working the steps and you will need someone to help with step 5. If you like what someone has to say in the meetings then you might talk to them after the meeting and ask if they could help. I'd look for someone with solid recovery that has worked the steps and has a sponsor. Maybe someone familiar with "from Survival to Recovery" and ACA issues.

Sponsorship and fellowship outside meetings has been important because
1) This helps break me out of isolation and "compulsive self reliance."

2) A recent speaker described sponsorship as learning to "Talk, trust and feel." This really resonated for me and I try to keep it in the back of my mind.

Mostly I asked because although I think it helps to post here - we don't know the whole story. And a sponsor, fellowship, a counselor can help with the big picture.

Best wishes.
Vicki