Parent of a Pot Addict

Old 02-23-2013, 11:41 AM
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Parent of a Pot Addict

I am hoping for some advise from kind people here. My son (21 yo) is a pot addict. (very severe addiction). As far as I know he has been smoking since he was 14 or so - though I became aware of his addiction about 21/2 years ago. He has in rehab once and goes to AA but keeps on relapsing. He has not been sober I think more than 2 weeks. He is a university student - but is making no progress. His grandmother left him some money for University but he has blown through it all. His only goal in life seems to be smoking pot, hanging out with his pot addicted friends and watching downloaded video's in his room.

We have stopped giving him money and after his last relapse kicked him out of the house. He is now staying with his younger brother who goes to University in another town. He is coming back home this Monday as he says he has an exam on Tuesday. I told him he can stay for a night in his room but has to leave in the morning.

I don't know if this tough love is the right thing to do or not. He is now stealing to support his habit (he has stolen from us as well as his brother).
Its heart breaking for me and his mom to kick him out of home, but our lives are becoming hell with his using. I am afraid that some harm may come to him if he is homeless but leaving him alone is not working either. Any advise will be welcome.
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Old 02-23-2013, 03:33 PM
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Hi

Thought I'd stop by offer some support ,addiction of any kind can be traumatic for everyone involved . At the moment I'm also practicing some thought love with my son who is addicted to pain meds, no one knows if the Decisions we make are the right ones I know that sometimes its the only ones left to make .
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Old 02-23-2013, 05:06 PM
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You are doing the right thing.
Addicts have to hit bottom..and by being
Helped all the time this takes longer and the addiction
Won't stop..
My boyfriends parents took him back in the house
After rehab, two months later they found out he never stopped using and was stealing
again.
He got kicked out of the house..and is never allowed to go back
He's starting to hit bottom.and finally made it thru 36 days clean.
He relapsed again but he wants to be honest and called to let us know.

I wish you the best..
And don't fall for "I learned my lesson I won't do it again"
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Old 02-23-2013, 07:35 PM
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I'd just like to welcome you to SR and hope you find the forum is helpful to you in your goal to avoid enabling your son.

At the top of the page you will see "Blogs" in the blue bar. If you then search for the blog of "Cynical One" you feel find a wealth of articles about addiction and perhaps feel more empowered in the reading to continue to do the right thing....namely, refusing to rescue your son from the consequences of abusing pot.

Addicts do not hear what people say, they hear what people DO. It is common for loved ones of addicts to talk talk talk to the addict, lecturing, pleading, threatening, cajoling, bribing, bartering, on and on. For years.

But when the loved one ACTS in different fashion, when the loved one of the addict stops with the talk,and instead, matter of factly--without fanfare or drama-- sets boundaries, sets standards of relationship or standards of household behaviors which are non-negotiable, and holds those boundaries no matter how much the addict fights, pleads, begs, guilts, shames or threatens to kill himself--that is what stops the endless loop of the addict exploiting the loved one as a means of getting high without consequences.

You might think more about whether you want to invite an active drug addict who steals from you to spend Monday night in your home.

Are there any support groups for family members of addicts in your area? Going to meetings will help you feel more comfortable with the word addicts hate most: "No."

I'm sorry for your pain and sadness about your son's addiction. And your fears. He can find sobriety. Refusing to enable him could hasten that event.

Post here anytime. We have a lot of parents of addicts here with years of hard-earned wisdom and growth.
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Old 02-23-2013, 11:51 PM
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You sound like you could be my EXBF parents! My ex is also highly addicted to marijuana (started around 13, is now 20), has been to rehab twice, and has relapsed several times. His parents used to enable him sooo badly. They believed all of the lies. However, things are now different. His mom has gotten really into Al-Anon (which I would totally recommend for you all... it is a great source for support.) Since then, she has learned to set boundaries and not accept unacceptable behaviors. He was living with them, paying rent, but there were rules...one of which being, no smoking, whatsoever. Well, he broke that rule and they kicked him out. I also have learned to set boundaries, and since he broke my rules and trust, I broke up with him. For real this time.

I can't imagine how it must feel to be a parent in this situation. As moms and dads, you want to protect your children. But there comes a time when you just can't. His addiction is literally ruining your life...You don't deserve that. He is a big boy, and he can handle the world. You had rules, he chose to break them, and now he is dealing with the consequences. Simple as that. Don't feel bad... you gave him enough warnings.

I would encourage you to keep posting here and really check out some Al-Anon meetings. I think they could help you greatly.
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Old 02-24-2013, 05:18 AM
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Thanks - this is extremely useful. This boy (my boy?) has gone through tens of thousands of $ of wasted money on education, treatment and other resources through no avail. I wish some-one had told this to me before - but I probably would not have listened. One is hard wired to trust one's child. This is something every parent of an addicted child learns the hard way ..
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Old 02-24-2013, 05:47 AM
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Originally Posted by lonelystar View Post
Hi

..... no one knows if the Decisions we make are the right ones I know that sometimes its the only ones left to make .
Amen to that statement. The decision to move my AS to the fringes of my life is heartbreaking, but whenever I entertain anything else I just cannot do it. There was a local psychologist in this area a while back who made the statement, (and I am paraphrasing) "Sometimes being an adult means making decisions that make us happy while making others unhappy."

Just yesterday I listened to the conversation of a friend whose approach to her family is never to back off but always be there to help in whatever way she can. Even though she is not dealing with anyone in her family with drug/alcohol addiction, listening to her is difficult for me because I am so NOT doing that with my AS.

So for today I will repeat, "no one knows if the Decisions we make are the right ones I know that sometimes its the only ones left to make."

Thanks Lonelystar. Your on-the-fly statement has helped me today. For me, that is the gift of SR.
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Old 02-24-2013, 06:16 AM
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Welcome to SR....although I'm sorry for the reasons that bring you here. My son is an addict currently in recovery.

We all do what we feel is best at the time. And as we know more, we do better, so I'm happy to see you reaching out for the experience, strength and hope that others can share with you.

20/20 hindsight I wish I had done many things earlier in my son's addiction but there is one thing that I truly wish more than anything.

I wish I had treated him as the adult he was and stopped protecting him from the consequences of his drug use and poor decisions. My interference in his learning process crippled him. I spent a lot of time trying to correct his mistakes and lessen the impact of the poor decisions. Wow.

Once I stepped back and allowed him the opportunity to lose everything (and I do mean everything) and become homeless and unemployed for about four years, he finally reached his very low bottom and sought long term treatment on his own. It was very difficult and I didn't do it perfectly but I allowed him the dignity to make his own decisions and feel the full impact of those decisions.

It is really hard to be the parent of an addict. Really hard but I am so very grateful for the lessons I've learned and the people I've met as a direct result of my son's addiction.

You are not alone.

gentle hugs
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Old 02-24-2013, 07:33 AM
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. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your experience and kind words. I have known this in my bones for a while, what to do, and its good to hear from other parents who have been through a similar catastrophe. We have to confront our fears. Fear that our son may not be able to survive the mean streets. Fear that he gets locked up and gets a criminal record. Fear that his addiction get's worse and he gets addicted to harder drugs. We have to weigh these imagined fears against reality and then act. I don't know if I am ready to act - but I am getting there.

Last edited by pravchaw; 02-24-2013 at 07:37 AM. Reason: Typo
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Old 02-24-2013, 04:15 PM
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Question Son coming home tomorrow

My son is coming home tomorrow after a week with his brother (as explained above I and his Mom (my wife) asked him to leave when we found a large bag of marijuana last Sunday morning). He says he has to take exams next week. I am willing to have him stay for a few days but am unsure how to proceed.

I don't want to get back into I making multiple rules, which he then promptly breaks and we go back into the dance of addiction and enabling. He knows what to do - his AA sponsor is still willing to help him and he has access to addiction counselors or detox centers. He is pathological liar so I cannot trust him with anything.

I want to put up a few basic boundaries. He can stay the night but leaves in the morning before we leave for work. I have changed the code to the locks and the security system - no he has no access. He cannot be in the house by himself. He can come back in the evening when we are back home from work. He has to be sober. He cannot steal. I have not given him any money for months (just bus tokens, doled out by the day).

I understand, I am probably still making life tolerable for him - but at this stage I cannot seem to be able to completely cut him off .

Any advise or comment would be most appreciated.
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Old 02-24-2013, 04:41 PM
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We all do what we can live with at any given time. There is no absolute right or wrong when it comes to addiction. It is a baffling and cunning disease. So as a parent, I do what I can live with and no more than that. Although sometimes people are quick to give advice, they don't have to live with the consequences or outcomes but I do (as you do in your situation).

Your son has earned your distrust. Trust must be earned back and it's not up to him what it will take to do that, it's up to you.

I try to take things one day at a time and make decisions one decision at a time and most importantly, I take care of me first (not in a selfish way but in a self caring, loving way). I don't make a decision in favor of my son at my own expense. I look out for the greater good....what is good for the family as a unit.....not what is exclusively for my son's benefit. I try to remember that my husband comes before my adult son because he is my life partner....my son isn't.

I try to give time...time....and not force solutions.

I try to remember that anger is the illusion of control and the absolute worst thing I can do is to lose my temper....even if my son is losing his. He (or in my case "she") who maintains emotional control "wins".

I try to remember QTIP (quit taking it personally). My son isn't using "at" me or in spite of me.

I try not to lay out a consequence (or boundary) without being prepared to follow through because each time I give in....addiction wins.

I try to remember F.O.G. If my son is using words that make me feel fear, obligation or guilt, it is probably manipulation. I need to separate myself from the situation, not make any decisions or take any action.....until the F.O.G. lifts.

Those are a few of the tools I use when dealing with my son. I hope it helps you too.

The boundaries you have set out are good. Sticking to them is what is really critical.

Keep posting, ask questions, read carefully, brace yourself to hear what you may not want to hear, but keep coming back. Addiction is tough on parents, tough on a marriage, and tough on the entire family--no member goes unaffected.

We'll walk with you.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 02-24-2013, 07:16 PM
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Everything KindEyes wrote is spot-on great advice. And the only thing I'd add is that you figure out what you are going to do after the exam time is over. Maybe you have already.

Although it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, telling my AD that she could not live at home, even after 28 days in rehab, was one of the hardest and yet best things I could have done for all of us. Not having to live with my own bogus rule-setting, her breaking, her sister's anxiety, my husband's frustration--wow, what a different feeling in our home. She was one of four people here, making life really hard for all of us, even when we tried to make it work.

I got the best support around this decision here on SR. And I began attending weekly NarAnon meetings in my community. What a great combination for my own recovery & quality of life. It is not easy facing any of this, but it makes a huge difference having company along the way. Take care. Please keep us posted.
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Old 02-25-2013, 03:11 AM
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What is our goal?

Thank you to you both for your advise. I get it, that a major goal for us parents in to let go of our addiction to our addict. I think after nearly 3 years of this fruitless dance, I am starting to get there intellectually and emotionally. I have yet to come to grips with the possibility that things can get a lot worse before they can get better.

One of the issues I am struggling with is what is my goal vis a vis my addict? - it is to help our addicted one find recovery? or do we just detach and let them find their bottom and hopefully recovery whenever it comes.

Last edited by pravchaw; 02-25-2013 at 03:17 AM. Reason: Typo
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Old 02-25-2013, 04:26 AM
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Welcome, pravchaw! I have a son the same age as yours. As a parent, I understand your concerns and fears.

I feel what I did to help my son during past years of using and struggling with life in general was well intended and, at times, necessary.

Unfortunately, I was stuck in a vicious cycle, our home was a battleground, and I didn't begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel until I let go and let him move on to face consequences; I also began to work my own recovery (codependent).

But ... all this didn't happen overnight. I actually needed some prodding and lots of convincing and reassurance.

SR has been a great place for me to come, as far as providing good information and support. I hope you've had a chance to read around here. The "sticky" threads are very helpful.

Wishing you and your family the best.
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Old 02-25-2013, 06:58 AM
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Pravchaw- We chose to detach and let our addict work on her own issues. However, she knows we love her and will point her to available resources and support should she choose recovery. She does not expect nor would we provide any extraordinanry financial support for her in or out of recovery.
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Old 02-25-2013, 07:34 AM
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Pravchaw, you've received a lot of good advice so far. I can empathize with your situation - having a child who has become "infected" with this disease of addiction is horrible. Here are a few things I've learned in my journey of the mother of an addict:

1. Support is critical - both the 24/7 virtual support provided here at SR and the face to face support of AlAnon meetings.

2. All decisions should be based on what's right for you - not what you think will help the addict to get better. I've been advised by counselors that my son was a high risk of suicide, so we shouldn't throw him out on the street and reinforce he feelings of worthlessness, and I've been advised to go "no contact" and totally separate from him. In the beginning, I was very concerned with doing "the right thing" that would "heal" him. Well, there is no one right thing - love doesn't fix them and going NC doesn't force that magic "bottom" we all pray they hit. These kids die in their warm loving bedrooms, and they die on the streets. So, basing decisions on "outcomes" won't work. You need to carve the path that feels right to YOU- and that will probably change over time.

3. Boundaries are not rules. A rule is: You can't stay in my house if you're using. A boundary is: I won't live with active addiction. The difference is important- a boundary is something you do for yourself...a rule is something you try to enforce on someone else.

4.While thoughts of addiction and recovery are all consuming at the beginning of the process, there is a path to serenity that means your feelings and emotions will not always be dictated by what the addict is experiencing. It's not easy- it takes time- but, if you work the program...it comes.

5. Things change. Always. The crisis passes, something new comes up, the good times disappear...whatever the circumstances...the wheel of life turns. So, sometimes it's best just to do nothing - and wait to see what comes next. You can decide not to decide...and that's ok.

Welcome to SR- but I am so sorry about what brings you here.
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Old 02-25-2013, 07:42 AM
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Thank you Anya & EJC. I agree, detachment with love is the only realistic course left open to us. I read somewhere that they have to want recovery more than us.
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Old 02-25-2013, 09:32 AM
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Sunday'sChild, Thank you for your thoughtful response. It struck a chord with me. There is no magic bullet and each situation is different and we need to flexible. Your advise on the difference between boundaries and rules is very useful. My approach in the past was more "rule" based. I have to change my thinking. I don't want to lose my compassion and love for my son.
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Old 02-26-2013, 05:49 AM
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My son came home yesterday evening showing no remorse after a week. He was in the house before I and my wife came home from work. (His brother had, against our request, given him the security system code). He refused to talk to us, took food and drink from the fridge and went to his room. I calmly told him that he is not welcome in our house if he is actively using as we do not feel safe and secure and the only way we will support him is if he shows us that he pursuing recovery. The time for promises and broken promises is over. He shouted obscenities at me and was leaving the house.

While he was leaving his AA sponsor (who was worried about him and was trying to get in touch with him over the week) pulled into the driveway. He calmed down a bit to talk to him. His AA sponsor told us that he had agreed to call him tomorrow and feels that he has left a door open. Apparently he was planning to crash at a friends home.

Anyway he is out of the house again. His brother is glad to have gotten rid of him. I hope he finds his bottom sooner than later. Perhaps we are naive but time will tell. His sponsor tells us that he does not sense he is ready to change - as he is still under some illusion that he has control over his use, he can still use and go to school, socialize with his friends etc. but feels that he is getting close to the bottom. He has to admit complete defeat over his addiction and turn himself over to a higher power. Whether that happens tomorrow, in a week or a year - he does not know.
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Old 02-26-2013, 06:12 AM
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When he says he is "ready", consider paying for his first month in a sober living environment instead of moving him back in.

If he freaks out about it, he isn't ready.
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