Just spending time with him while I can...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Just spending time with him while I can...
My AS is hanging by a thread and....I don't know....call it a gut feeling, mama-instincts, whatever you want to call it, but I don't believe he will be on this earth much longer. He suffers with deep depression and, of course, constantly struggles with his various addictions. No matter how much he tries, he can't seem to stay on a path to healing so that his depression can be properly addressed. He's always suicidal. My experience with psych hospitals don't give me any faith at all that he can be helped there, so I don't even bother to call 9-1-1 when he talks that way. He's been like this for 7 years and he's still here.
I'm just posting because even though I struggle with detaching, I still am driven to spend time with him often....I never know when it will be the last time. I can't allow him to fall quite...all....the....way...down.
When I hear certain songs, I often think "that will be a nice one to play at his memorial service..."
This is painful. Very, very painful.
Thanks for letting me share.
I'm just posting because even though I struggle with detaching, I still am driven to spend time with him often....I never know when it will be the last time. I can't allow him to fall quite...all....the....way...down.
When I hear certain songs, I often think "that will be a nice one to play at his memorial service..."
This is painful. Very, very painful.
Thanks for letting me share.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Big hugs tjp, I am sorry your feeling this way I have heard songs and thought the same thing with my oldest AS in the past it is a terrible feeling.
I will be saying extra prayers for you and your precious son.
I will be saying extra prayers for you and your precious son.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Breaks my heart to read your pain, TJP, because I know that feeling...It is a really painful place to be. Sending giant hugs and prayers your way. Spend as much time with him as you like and don't judge yourself for it. He's your boy. Peace.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 72
tjp....I don't quite know what to say other than "I'm sorry." I fear that one day my parents will call and say my brother is dead. It is a feeling that no one can understand unless they have walked a mile in your shoes. I watch how the same fear grips my parents and it is devastating to watch. I will keep you and your son in my prayers. May God grant both of you the peace you need.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
I'm so sorry. My addict mom and stepdaughter are also dual diagnosis of mental illness and drug addiction. They are both bipolar. It is so hard to watch those you love who are in pain. My mom has had such extreme unhappiness throughout her life. As a child, I always tried to help her. I realize now that I can't help her, but I try to pray that her HP will watch out for her. I give her over to God, and what else can I do?
I felt frustrated over my mom's first hospitalization. They didn't keep her long enough to help her. After her most recent suicide attempt, she was more willing for help at the psych hospital. She learned some coping mechanisms and got referrals for outside help. It's amazing, but she is now doing better than I would expect. I think her medication balance might be a good one now. However, I never know when she will have an extreme down, and the possibility of suicide is real.
My thoughts are with you. Take care.
I felt frustrated over my mom's first hospitalization. They didn't keep her long enough to help her. After her most recent suicide attempt, she was more willing for help at the psych hospital. She learned some coping mechanisms and got referrals for outside help. It's amazing, but she is now doing better than I would expect. I think her medication balance might be a good one now. However, I never know when she will have an extreme down, and the possibility of suicide is real.
My thoughts are with you. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Caucasian;West Coast; Husband sometimes breathes fire; hence his nickname Dragon & mine Mrs. Dragon
Posts: 176
Your post touches my heart. Im so very sorry that you are experiencing this type of situation with your son. My thoughts are prayers are with you both on this day.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
I'm so sorry for the pain you are both going through. Everyone's situation is different with addiction and while most people find it helpful to detach, that doesn't mean that it would be the best option for you. Spend as much time as you want to with him and do what you feel is best for your situation. I hope that both of you can find some peace, I can't even begin to imagine what either of you is going through.
sending huge hugs and prayers your way
Maylie
sending huge hugs and prayers your way
Maylie
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Dearest TJP, I feel the pain and sorrow in your post and I just want you to know that I care so much. Our stories are very similar in that we are powerless in the ability to save our boys, but we are just as powerless to not love them with ever fiber in our being.
Please never feel guilty of the time you spend with your son.
I am praying for your family.
Hugs
TT
Please never feel guilty of the time you spend with your son.
I am praying for your family.
Hugs
TT
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
My heart hurts for you, TJP, I know your pain. I have mentally buried my son many times...not as a giving up measure, but to prepare myself for what may be a reality one day and if I am not ready to face it I don't think I could stand the pain.
Our sons are lost souls that we cannot save, no mama should ever go through this. But the good part is that as long as we have a breath left in our body, there is always hope for them, that one day they will save themselves. This hope is a candle that burns in my heart right next to the candle of love.
Let's say a prayer for both our sons and then take a deep breath and go outside and look at the full moon...and let the universe and God see us and smile down and assure us that all will be well. If we see a shooting star I shall let you make the wish.
Hugs from my heart to yours.
Our sons are lost souls that we cannot save, no mama should ever go through this. But the good part is that as long as we have a breath left in our body, there is always hope for them, that one day they will save themselves. This hope is a candle that burns in my heart right next to the candle of love.
Let's say a prayer for both our sons and then take a deep breath and go outside and look at the full moon...and let the universe and God see us and smile down and assure us that all will be well. If we see a shooting star I shall let you make the wish.
Hugs from my heart to yours.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I also want to send love to you, and hope, tjp. Hope that things will shift for him soon, just enough, just enough to create an opening for his healing.
My son does not have addictive disease but he had a long descent into clinical depression which took him "away", for a while, as he isolated himself in his apartment night and day, let hygiene go, let housecleaning go, let socializing go, let everything go except his cats. I paid for his visits to a good psychiatrist and for his medicines and hoped that if God wanted me to do anything more, He would show me what and when.
I read all the books on depressive illness, and came away with a profound respect for those who suffer it and survive it. I know addiction complicates its treatment. But still, perhaps, even with addiction, your son's depression will cycle the way my son's did, the way most depression does, and eventually cycle out. My son struggled for three years. Some cycles last two. And others ebb and flow over 5 years or more. Even with the addiction, I pray it will be so for your son, the cycling out of depression, that he will hold on through this and then cycle out and can then find his way to recovery.
You do not know, cannot foretell, your son's future and his purpose, and while things may feel and seem very dark right now, you do not know God's design in this nor for what greater purpose He has made your son's soul for this life right now. So have faith, pray, and try to believe that your son does not walk this life alone, even if he seems alone and seems to have lost his way. He is not alone, he is loved by the transcendent Creator who made him and he will never be forsaken. He will never be abandoned, for angels surround him every minute of every day. There is love all around him, invisible to see. And your love is eternally imprinted on his heart and it goes with him wherever he is. He knows this. He is most blessed.
May you find all the lovingkindness you need to help you through this painful time. May you find relief and release.
My son does not have addictive disease but he had a long descent into clinical depression which took him "away", for a while, as he isolated himself in his apartment night and day, let hygiene go, let housecleaning go, let socializing go, let everything go except his cats. I paid for his visits to a good psychiatrist and for his medicines and hoped that if God wanted me to do anything more, He would show me what and when.
I read all the books on depressive illness, and came away with a profound respect for those who suffer it and survive it. I know addiction complicates its treatment. But still, perhaps, even with addiction, your son's depression will cycle the way my son's did, the way most depression does, and eventually cycle out. My son struggled for three years. Some cycles last two. And others ebb and flow over 5 years or more. Even with the addiction, I pray it will be so for your son, the cycling out of depression, that he will hold on through this and then cycle out and can then find his way to recovery.
You do not know, cannot foretell, your son's future and his purpose, and while things may feel and seem very dark right now, you do not know God's design in this nor for what greater purpose He has made your son's soul for this life right now. So have faith, pray, and try to believe that your son does not walk this life alone, even if he seems alone and seems to have lost his way. He is not alone, he is loved by the transcendent Creator who made him and he will never be forsaken. He will never be abandoned, for angels surround him every minute of every day. There is love all around him, invisible to see. And your love is eternally imprinted on his heart and it goes with him wherever he is. He knows this. He is most blessed.
May you find all the lovingkindness you need to help you through this painful time. May you find relief and release.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Thank you all for taking the time to share your comforting thoughts and especially all your prayers. I don't have to tell you how much they mean to me -- I think you know. I honestly don't know where I'd be without the support of my friends here. There's a whole lot of sh** out there on the internet, but this little slice called SR is a gift from God.
I went and picked him up after work....yes, he is actually working now for the first time in over a year...and he was happy to see me. We went out to a funky little place in a funky part of the city, enjoyed coffee, music and good conversation about the cosmos. Then we poked around a couple of antique shops and a cool bookstore. Then we went back to my house and spent time in my hobby room/art studio and he was on fire with creativity...started work on a mobile that I think will turn out really cool when it's done.
It turned out to be a good day and I am so grateful for it. I guess we can't ask for more than that. Today was a good day. I think we will both sleep well.
God is good all the time.
Thank you again -- so much -- for being here. I love you all.
I went and picked him up after work....yes, he is actually working now for the first time in over a year...and he was happy to see me. We went out to a funky little place in a funky part of the city, enjoyed coffee, music and good conversation about the cosmos. Then we poked around a couple of antique shops and a cool bookstore. Then we went back to my house and spent time in my hobby room/art studio and he was on fire with creativity...started work on a mobile that I think will turn out really cool when it's done.
It turned out to be a good day and I am so grateful for it. I guess we can't ask for more than that. Today was a good day. I think we will both sleep well.
God is good all the time.
Thank you again -- so much -- for being here. I love you all.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Originally Posted by tjp613 
It turned out to be a good day and I am so grateful for it. I guess we can't ask for more than that. Today was a good day. I think we will both sleep well.
Hugs and many prayers for you and your son.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Wow...just checked in to this thread and became tearful from the pained words in your original post as I could relate to them so very much.....and then more tears as I read the gentle, caring words as you described your lovely day with your son.
You and your dear son will be in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke
You and your dear son will be in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
