Fed up...again

Old 02-22-2013, 10:39 PM
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Fed up...again

Wow here we go again...wife shows no willingness or desire to get help, now up to me to get up and get out..very sad can't imagine life without her but cant live this life anymore..of course been saying this over 10 years..has anyone else busted out of toxic marriage..how did you do it.the booze keeps coming in the house..have tried to say none allowed but if ifind some its " old" or "hardly worth mentioning" want to leave but afraid shell show up at my job acting crazy or something..embarassed ive not left yet..insulated myself from family & friends no one really knows my situation besides my mom & she let go/ let god awhile ago..why can't I do the same?
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Old 02-23-2013, 12:30 AM
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I am in your situation as well. You need to care for yourself and figure out why you allow yourself to be treated in such a way. I have been asking myself over and over that. The answers hurt but need to be dealt with.

Life is too short.

Any successful relationship requires a willingness to work on it. Look at her actions, that speaks volumes...
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Old 02-23-2013, 02:57 AM
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Hey Sam; you can't remove yourself from a 10 year relationship without trauma. Make your plans and don't feel you have to force yourself faster than you can handle.
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Old 02-23-2013, 03:14 AM
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Hi Sam, I'm sorry you are having to go through this. My first marriage broke up, and there really is no way for it not to disrupt your life in some way or another.

If you do decide to leave, it is probably best to make a secure plan before going. Get all your 'ducks in a row' so to speak. This might even be as simple as beginning to let your friends and co-workers know what is going on--you may be pleasantly surprised at the amount of support and caring you receive.

Securing your individual finances is probably the next step. Then make sure you have copies of important papers stashed away in a safe deposit box or at work.

But...not all decisions have to made today--right now. Take your time, and decide on a course of action that will be best for you! Oh, and come here and vent away as often as you need. We'll leave the light on!
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Old 02-23-2013, 04:01 AM
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Sam - have you been to Al Anon? If not I strongly advise going. It will help you in many ways including figuring how the where/when/how of leaving a long term relationship. Sorry this is happening to you.
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Old 02-23-2013, 04:14 AM
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Sam, I am on the other side of the fence; I was to leave the end of this month if I didn't do something about the drinking. It was absolute, and it forced me to get help I badly needed.

I have found that one thing has helped and that is that I have a mental "three baskets": in one I put my problems, in the second, his problems (he has plenty that I used as a backlash against accusations of drinking-he smokes etc., but it has kept me focussed on getting "me" better), and the third basket contains "our" problems. Haven't attacked that one yet.

I am only 9 days sober but it has made me a stronger person already, able to deal with things in a more rational way. I do not know if we will stay together, but we are for now...

You have my sympathy and I think Al-Anon is a great idea.
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Old 02-23-2013, 04:50 AM
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Sorry you are struggling Sam. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Pamel- while I don't know you, good for you! What you are doing provides inspiration for us that have been living with the bleakness and desperation that comes with being in a relationship with an alcoholic. Thank you.
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Old 02-24-2013, 10:06 AM
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I have been exactly where you are Sam. I isolated myself from friends and family, they for the most part had no clue what I was going through. What a horribly big responsibility it was to bear that all alone. The more isolated I felt, the more I isolated myself, it was a vicious cycle. For me I finally couldn't take any more & I remember saying out loud to myself, "I want off this ride". I found my way to an Alanon meeting and there I found a group of people who lived through everything I was going through. I was a very broken man at that point, It took everything I had inside me to walk through those doors. I don't really remember much of the meeting except trying to keep it together long enough to make it through the meeting. What I do remember is the feeling of peace I had when I left.

I began to focus on making myself better, as I did, things became clearer for me. I began to see there were many more options than I ever thought I had. I chose to try & work on my relationship with my AW. I had to try everything I could so if I had to walk away I knew I tried everything in my power to make it work. She did not want to have any part of it, refusing to do any work in the marriage. So I started preparing myself for a divorce. I did it a step at a time, planning carefully & thinking through every step as best as I could. One step at a time is how I did it, it would have been overwhelming to just decide one day to file for divorce. Step by step I came closer to making the final decision and one day I knew it. I knew it was time. I had reached a point where I was comfortable with the decision. There was little confusion and in my head, my heart and my gut and I knew it was the right decision. I got there by taking steps to save my marriage and end it. Had I not tried to save it, I couldn't have felt the peace of mind I had when I decided to leave. Sure I could feel the heart strings pulling me, after all we were together for 18 years, but I was able to keep them in check by knowing I was at peace with my decision.

None of this was easy and halfway through my divorce it has at times been very difficult. But for me, it is easier than living with an active alcoholic. There will be an end to it. All this being said, I could just as easily made my decision to stay had she chose to try, but I couldn't, and didn't have the right to make her. I think I would have been at peace with that decision as well, but it didn't work out for me that way. Keep the focus on yourself, it is the only thing YOU can do. You can't control the actions and attitudes of an alcoholic, but you can change how you react to them and for me has brought great peace even during chaotic times.
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