Is there a reason to tell my parents ?
Is there a reason to tell my parents ?
My parents invited me and my boyfriend to go away with them for the weekend on a ski trip. My parents know him, have spent time with him, and they like him a lot. They don’t know about his drug use. Ive never felt they needed to know since we are both adults. He is not actively using right now, but in the past when he was, it was controlled & I never worried about him stealing from them while visiting, or causing a scene. He has talked about telling them, and I have basically shot it down. Now that he is not using, and in treatment there is an issue about ‘honesty with the people in his life’ and he has been working with his therapist on this. I guess if he decides he wants to tell them this weekend, then I will support his decision. I will take whatever fallout there is from keeping this fact from my parents. Im not too worried about it, and I don’t think it will alter their feelings for him – but I could be wrong. I KNOW they will be worried about my future with him, and they will begin following his attempt at recovery, and will be always asking me questions.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I have no advice for you regarding telling your parents that your boyfriend is a drug addict. But one thing I want to point out - the last time that your boyfriend used coke was on Feb. 18. That was 4 days ago. What about that isn't "actively using drugs???
Just because he is not wired out of his mind at this very moment (that you know of) does not mean he is not an active drug addict! Many coke addicts go four days without using. Four days does not make a recovery from cocaine addiction. Or even the beginnings of one to be honest. Based on that, your parents have every reason to be worried about you and your future. Whether or not you tell them, is irrelevant. It isn't going to change anything.
Just because he is not wired out of his mind at this very moment (that you know of) does not mean he is not an active drug addict! Many coke addicts go four days without using. Four days does not make a recovery from cocaine addiction. Or even the beginnings of one to be honest. Based on that, your parents have every reason to be worried about you and your future. Whether or not you tell them, is irrelevant. It isn't going to change anything.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 267
He IS actively using - the fact that he is not using every day is irrelevant. He used 4 days ago.
I'm the parent of a RA and the parent of two daughters who are not addicts. One has not dated any addicts (to my knowledge) and one had a serious relationship with someone who she told us later on- had a marijuana and alcohol problem. She did not tell us about his issues while they were dating, because she didn't realize the extent of his issues at the time- although she did tell us that his father was an active alcoholic. Whether you tell your parents or not is a personal decision, and really connected to the kind of relationship you have with them, and how much about other areas of your life you tell them about.
I do think, however, that you may want to think twice about bringing your boyfriend on a trip with them for the weekend...bringing an addict into close contact with people you love is not really fair to them. If it's a good weekend, it will only deepen their relationship with him- increasing their potential hurt and distress if he doesn't successfully kick the habit...if it's NOT a good weekend, you are bringing your parents into the world of addiction and chaos without their knowledge...which is also not fair to them.
You have every right to make decisions for yourself, but I'd urge you to go on the trip alone, and just say he was "not feeling well" if you don't want to get into the gory details.
I'm the parent of a RA and the parent of two daughters who are not addicts. One has not dated any addicts (to my knowledge) and one had a serious relationship with someone who she told us later on- had a marijuana and alcohol problem. She did not tell us about his issues while they were dating, because she didn't realize the extent of his issues at the time- although she did tell us that his father was an active alcoholic. Whether you tell your parents or not is a personal decision, and really connected to the kind of relationship you have with them, and how much about other areas of your life you tell them about.
I do think, however, that you may want to think twice about bringing your boyfriend on a trip with them for the weekend...bringing an addict into close contact with people you love is not really fair to them. If it's a good weekend, it will only deepen their relationship with him- increasing their potential hurt and distress if he doesn't successfully kick the habit...if it's NOT a good weekend, you are bringing your parents into the world of addiction and chaos without their knowledge...which is also not fair to them.
You have every right to make decisions for yourself, but I'd urge you to go on the trip alone, and just say he was "not feeling well" if you don't want to get into the gory details.
My ex used cocaine for 20+ years and generally it was not everyday. He might go several weeks and not use but he definitely was still in active drug addiction. I agree....with a last use of Feb 18th, you certainly don't really know if he isn't in active drug addiction. I think that it's only going to be something that you know in hind sight.
Cocaine is an extremely difficult drug to quit using once you've developed a penchant for it. It is very psychologically addictive.
I think that if your BF decides he wants to tell your parents that he has had a history of drug abuse it would be nice for him to include how recently he last used.
I'm not sure if you could do this or not, but can you step outside of yourself and hear what you are saying? What would you tell your sister or close friend if she was telling you this story? It has a lot of red flags all over it.....anyone that is dealing with a loved one that is seeking sobriety and recovery needs their own sources of support (meetings, counselling, sponsor, working the steps, etc - whatever your choice is). Not many people can survive this sort of relationship intact without working their own program of some sort.
Cocaine is an extremely difficult drug to quit using once you've developed a penchant for it. It is very psychologically addictive.
I think that if your BF decides he wants to tell your parents that he has had a history of drug abuse it would be nice for him to include how recently he last used.
I'm not sure if you could do this or not, but can you step outside of yourself and hear what you are saying? What would you tell your sister or close friend if she was telling you this story? It has a lot of red flags all over it.....anyone that is dealing with a loved one that is seeking sobriety and recovery needs their own sources of support (meetings, counselling, sponsor, working the steps, etc - whatever your choice is). Not many people can survive this sort of relationship intact without working their own program of some sort.
We have already confirmed with my parents, and my boyfriend got someone else to cover him at work on Saturday, and he is working their late shift tonight. I guess I will just let things unfold naturally with my boyfriend and my parents. They are already fond of him, but I also know that they would support my decision to end the relationship if I felt it was unhealthy for me. I don’t think they would learn this information and immediately want me to end things with him. Ive never had any friends/boyfriends that have had drug or alcohol substance issues, and as far as I know my parents have never had to deal with it in their lives, or other family members, so its not something any of us know a lot about personally.
I have thought about counseling. I think Im doing ok right now. I thought about alanon, but I really dont feel like I am very much codependent. I have not been trying to fix my boyfriend, I dont obsess over him, I dont feel like he uses drugs because of me, or wont stop because of me. I know the issue all lies within himself. I do realize what several people have told me - there is a risk I will at some point begin to accept what I know consider unacceptable if he keeps using. I know that i have to be diligent about this, and make sure that I do not neglect myself, my hopes, dreams. I also know that I am somewhat naive because I have no other experience with addiction of any kind. I could wake up tomorrow and realize I have been lied to in some really horrible way. I know I may end up hurting if/when this relationship ends. I think that right now I am focused very much on my own career. It is the biggest goal in my life and will be for several years. I protect this similar to the way I think an addict protects their using. I think this I should be proud of. Im going to keep learning. I think that is the best thing I can do for me right now.
Thank you everyone.
I have thought about counseling. I think Im doing ok right now. I thought about alanon, but I really dont feel like I am very much codependent. I have not been trying to fix my boyfriend, I dont obsess over him, I dont feel like he uses drugs because of me, or wont stop because of me. I know the issue all lies within himself. I do realize what several people have told me - there is a risk I will at some point begin to accept what I know consider unacceptable if he keeps using. I know that i have to be diligent about this, and make sure that I do not neglect myself, my hopes, dreams. I also know that I am somewhat naive because I have no other experience with addiction of any kind. I could wake up tomorrow and realize I have been lied to in some really horrible way. I know I may end up hurting if/when this relationship ends. I think that right now I am focused very much on my own career. It is the biggest goal in my life and will be for several years. I protect this similar to the way I think an addict protects their using. I think this I should be proud of. Im going to keep learning. I think that is the best thing I can do for me right now.
Thank you everyone.
think about that twice DaisyDoc. It wont help neighter your BF or you, but it might make your parents worry a lot as well and get them involved. Aslo i am careful with telling people in general. Addiction got very negative stereotype and conotations, most of people will see junkie under the bridge not a sick person. they dont see it as an illness. i didnt know at the same begining, i have learned about it.
Speaking as a mother.....please......don't tell them. They have no control of the matter, no influence over you (apparently) and this news would only be a source for GREAT concern and worry. It most definitely will color the way they think about him. Period. Let them enjoy their lives free of this madness.
That's my $0.02.
That's my $0.02.
A ski trip for the weekend sounds like a
fun relaxing time to spend together away
from work and home life. A time to take
a breath, relax and have fun. That is what
get aways as for. Relaxation and enjoyment.
Right?
It's a special time to leave the worries of the
world behind even if its just for a few days. That's
why we have those get aways and vacations.
Do we take vacations or get aways to add more
drama to our lives. Do we bring our worries and
work with us on these trips?
A ski trip, which ive never gone on one, sounds
awesome. Just to see the beauty of the white
snow and hear the laughter around one or the
bright smiles on folks acting like kids. Admiring
all the wonderful gifts provided to us to enjoy.
Since the trip is already planned and set in motion,
id go and when i return i would take care of business
of working on my recovery. Honesty while come when
we admitt me have a problem with addiction and
do something about it. Then honesty will continue
when the lies and false fronts stop with ourselves
and others.
fun relaxing time to spend together away
from work and home life. A time to take
a breath, relax and have fun. That is what
get aways as for. Relaxation and enjoyment.
Right?
It's a special time to leave the worries of the
world behind even if its just for a few days. That's
why we have those get aways and vacations.
Do we take vacations or get aways to add more
drama to our lives. Do we bring our worries and
work with us on these trips?
A ski trip, which ive never gone on one, sounds
awesome. Just to see the beauty of the white
snow and hear the laughter around one or the
bright smiles on folks acting like kids. Admiring
all the wonderful gifts provided to us to enjoy.
Since the trip is already planned and set in motion,
id go and when i return i would take care of business
of working on my recovery. Honesty while come when
we admitt me have a problem with addiction and
do something about it. Then honesty will continue
when the lies and false fronts stop with ourselves
and others.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Daisy -
You write that he is in recovery yet he was using just 4 days ago. Sounds like you aren't trying to fix him but are instead busy denying he has a real problem at all.
Knowingly bringing an addict on vacation with your parents seems like quite a bad idea to me. I'm obviously don't know your parents but can't imagine anyone reacting well to the knowledge that their beloved child is seriously involved with an addict. I agree, they do not need this information.
This entire post doesn't leave me with the impression that you are handling things as well as you think. Your BF is dealing with a problem that could easily lead to his death one day. You're concerned about what your parents think and determined to go on a ski trip. It doesn't sound like you have quite grasped the serious nature of this disease.
Co-dependence is not the only problem that Friends and Family
go through when dealing with an addict and not the only topic that alanon addresses.
I hope the trip goes well and that he truly does find recovery. Until then, keep posting!
Peace,
Hanna
You write that he is in recovery yet he was using just 4 days ago. Sounds like you aren't trying to fix him but are instead busy denying he has a real problem at all.
Knowingly bringing an addict on vacation with your parents seems like quite a bad idea to me. I'm obviously don't know your parents but can't imagine anyone reacting well to the knowledge that their beloved child is seriously involved with an addict. I agree, they do not need this information.
This entire post doesn't leave me with the impression that you are handling things as well as you think. Your BF is dealing with a problem that could easily lead to his death one day. You're concerned about what your parents think and determined to go on a ski trip. It doesn't sound like you have quite grasped the serious nature of this disease.
Co-dependence is not the only problem that Friends and Family
go through when dealing with an addict and not the only topic that alanon addresses.
I hope the trip goes well and that he truly does find recovery. Until then, keep posting!
Peace,
Hanna
Thanks everyone for your shares. It is good to hear from parents on here regarding the situation also. I appreciate that. Worry is the only reason I didn't tell my parents.. Wanted to spare them worrying about me.
I told my boyfriend that I would support any decision he made regarding informing my parents of the situation he is going through. We also talked and he admitted having a lot of conflicting, confused emotions swirling around in his head. He said he felt mentally exhausted. So I suggested maybe he should just try to relax over the weekend, and stop allowing the addiction & treatment thoughts to overpower him. He is so much more than a man with an addiction, and it's like all that negative is overshadowing his own perception of himself !
We had a good weekend with my parents. Came home feeling more relaxed. He thanked me for helping him turn his attitude around a bit, giving him this time to work on the problem and for always being so cool headed. He asked if I was doing ok, if I needed to talk about my feelings about how it's affecting me. Told him I was a little confused too cause it's all new, but I was ok.
I've been very busy with work since we got home. Haven't had time to think about things a lot. I do however feel a little tinge on guilt over not talking to my parents myself. Don't know why, maybe my boyfriends honesty thing is contagious? I am thinking about talking to the pastor of the church. Not the one I go to with my parents, but one closer to where i live and I go to sometimes. My boyfriend goes with me sometimes also, so this too makes me uncomfortable. He is obsessed with privacy concerns. So I don't know, feel stuck in who I can talk to.
I told my boyfriend that I would support any decision he made regarding informing my parents of the situation he is going through. We also talked and he admitted having a lot of conflicting, confused emotions swirling around in his head. He said he felt mentally exhausted. So I suggested maybe he should just try to relax over the weekend, and stop allowing the addiction & treatment thoughts to overpower him. He is so much more than a man with an addiction, and it's like all that negative is overshadowing his own perception of himself !
We had a good weekend with my parents. Came home feeling more relaxed. He thanked me for helping him turn his attitude around a bit, giving him this time to work on the problem and for always being so cool headed. He asked if I was doing ok, if I needed to talk about my feelings about how it's affecting me. Told him I was a little confused too cause it's all new, but I was ok.
I've been very busy with work since we got home. Haven't had time to think about things a lot. I do however feel a little tinge on guilt over not talking to my parents myself. Don't know why, maybe my boyfriends honesty thing is contagious? I am thinking about talking to the pastor of the church. Not the one I go to with my parents, but one closer to where i live and I go to sometimes. My boyfriend goes with me sometimes also, so this too makes me uncomfortable. He is obsessed with privacy concerns. So I don't know, feel stuck in who I can talk to.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
I think it would be good for you to talk to your pastor. You could start by saying you want to talk to him about something you want to remain private. It is good for you to talk and get it out in the open. It was a long time before I shared with my friends anything about abf's drug usage. When I did, they weren't all understanding about why I had stayed.
If you talked to the pastor, it could be about you and your concerns. It does not need to be about "outing" bf. it's harmful for us to keep this stuff inside.
When I read your post, it was all about you helping bf, comforting him, and helping him through this rough time. I want to let you know that no matter what you do (or not do), bf could use. You can't make him so comfortable that he won't use. When my abf first started recovery, I tried to be the perfect understanding gf. It didn't help him. It just helped me lose myself. It pushed me further into depression and anxiety, and kept me involved in him--not taking care of myself. When I was focused on abf, I was not taking care of my own needs. It was all about thinking that everything would be better if he wasn't using.
This time around, I am more focused on meeting my own needs. Whenever I start worrying about abf's needs, what he should do, etc., I ask myself what I am ignoring about myself. What issue am I not facing? Abf is my drug that I use to take myself off of my issues. If I'm focused in him, I'm numbing myself from my issues. It's like using alcohol to escape from life. I use abf to escape from life.
Take care. That's the most important thing. Did you have a good time with your parents? What do you need to do for yourself? Do you need to talk to the pastor? Do you need to tell your parents?
Remember FOG--fear, obligation, and guilt. Are you making decisions based in that? It sounds like you are in the middle of trying to please your bf and your parents. I understand that need.
If you talked to the pastor, it could be about you and your concerns. It does not need to be about "outing" bf. it's harmful for us to keep this stuff inside.
When I read your post, it was all about you helping bf, comforting him, and helping him through this rough time. I want to let you know that no matter what you do (or not do), bf could use. You can't make him so comfortable that he won't use. When my abf first started recovery, I tried to be the perfect understanding gf. It didn't help him. It just helped me lose myself. It pushed me further into depression and anxiety, and kept me involved in him--not taking care of myself. When I was focused on abf, I was not taking care of my own needs. It was all about thinking that everything would be better if he wasn't using.
This time around, I am more focused on meeting my own needs. Whenever I start worrying about abf's needs, what he should do, etc., I ask myself what I am ignoring about myself. What issue am I not facing? Abf is my drug that I use to take myself off of my issues. If I'm focused in him, I'm numbing myself from my issues. It's like using alcohol to escape from life. I use abf to escape from life.
Take care. That's the most important thing. Did you have a good time with your parents? What do you need to do for yourself? Do you need to talk to the pastor? Do you need to tell your parents?
Remember FOG--fear, obligation, and guilt. Are you making decisions based in that? It sounds like you are in the middle of trying to please your bf and your parents. I understand that need.
I think it would be good for you to talk to your pastor. You could start by saying you want to talk to him about something you want to remain private. It is good for you to talk and get it out in the open. It was a long time before I shared with my friends anything about abf's drug usage. When I did, they weren't all understanding about why I had stayed.
If you talked to the pastor, it could be about you and your concerns. It does not need to be about "outing" bf. it's harmful for us to keep this stuff inside.
When I read your post, it was all about you helping bf, comforting him, and helping him through this rough time. I want to let you know that no matter what you do (or not do), bf could use. You can't make him so comfortable that he won't use. When my abf first started recovery, I tried to be the perfect understanding gf. It didn't help him. It just helped me lose myself. It pushed me further into depression and anxiety, and kept me involved in him--not taking care of myself. When I was focused on abf, I was not taking care of my own needs. It was all about thinking that everything would be better if he wasn't using.
This time around, I am more focused on meeting my own needs. Whenever I start worrying about abf's needs, what he should do, etc., I ask myself what I am ignoring about myself. What issue am I not facing? Abf is my drug that I use to take myself off of my issues. If I'm focused in him, I'm numbing myself from my issues. It's like using alcohol to escape from life. I use abf to escape from life.
Take care. That's the most important thing. Did you have a good time with your parents? What do you need to do for yourself? Do you need to talk to the pastor? Do you need to tell your parents?
Remember FOG--fear, obligation, and guilt. Are you making decisions based in that? It sounds like you are in the middle of trying to please your bf and your parents. I understand that need.
If you talked to the pastor, it could be about you and your concerns. It does not need to be about "outing" bf. it's harmful for us to keep this stuff inside.
When I read your post, it was all about you helping bf, comforting him, and helping him through this rough time. I want to let you know that no matter what you do (or not do), bf could use. You can't make him so comfortable that he won't use. When my abf first started recovery, I tried to be the perfect understanding gf. It didn't help him. It just helped me lose myself. It pushed me further into depression and anxiety, and kept me involved in him--not taking care of myself. When I was focused on abf, I was not taking care of my own needs. It was all about thinking that everything would be better if he wasn't using.
This time around, I am more focused on meeting my own needs. Whenever I start worrying about abf's needs, what he should do, etc., I ask myself what I am ignoring about myself. What issue am I not facing? Abf is my drug that I use to take myself off of my issues. If I'm focused in him, I'm numbing myself from my issues. It's like using alcohol to escape from life. I use abf to escape from life.
Take care. That's the most important thing. Did you have a good time with your parents? What do you need to do for yourself? Do you need to talk to the pastor? Do you need to tell your parents?
Remember FOG--fear, obligation, and guilt. Are you making decisions based in that? It sounds like you are in the middle of trying to please your bf and your parents. I understand that need.
I know most all of that is from the psychological loss of the drug and the changes he is experiencing with dopamine iin his brain and all that. And now also seeing the counselor he is beginning to have emotions that are coming out; regret, self pity, self doubt, fear, anger at himself. And so it is impossible not to sense what I will call the negative energy coming from him. You replace a happy, confident, playful boyfriend with one that is tired, grumpy, and crying then you feel that. In a way I do want to just comfort him and tell him it will all be ok. I do that some as a girlfriend, but I also know he needs to feel some of this and cope with it, face it, and overcome it in order to get well.
As for me, I do tend to talk about him, and some of the things he does, or says on this forum because I don’t talk about it to anyone anywhere else, and this is my only outlet. Plus it helps to see how others view situations that he is in, that I am in, as I have never been in this type of thing before personally. I am very grateful for so much insight here. The big thing in my life right now is my work, my continued effort to learn and grow and pass certifications and such. I think about work a lot, and it helps keep me very centered on my goals and not drifting too far. Like I feel bad that my boyfriend is having trouble sleeping, and he seems to rest better when I am there with him, but at the same time he tosses and turns and wakes up and keeps me awake, and so I cannot stay with him every night or I will be too tired for the things I have to do. I do feel somewhat guilty about putting myself first like that, but I have no choice and he does understand.
With my parents, I had decided a long time ago that since his drug use was not really affecting me, and it was his issue , then I had no reason to tell my parents. Now since whatever is going on with his counselor, he feels the need to be honest with the people who care about him. And Im thinking its ok if he tells my parents, and I know they wont be angry with me, but they will be shocked and will ask why I didn’t tell them. Since we have a good relationship and are close Im feeling like maybe now I should tell them. And then I start thinking; have I been lying to them, keeping it secret for other reasons of self? Im trying to sort that out, and thinking ok maybe I could talk to a moral expert of sorts; the pastor who should I hope have compassion about my boyfriend and understand about parent /child communication. I guess it is a little bit of the “G” guilt you mentioned. But is it coming from God, myself, lessons learned from my parents? I don’t know. Its not from the boyfriend at least.
I had a great time on the weekend trip. I love to ski, and it was beautiful outside. I love spending time with my family, and I enjoyed time with my boyfriend and how we all talked and laughed. I let work go also, and just relaxed. Came home appreciating life, and being healthy, and having the chance to feel so free while skiing.
Ok sorry for all the ramblings in this long reply. But it is good to get some of it out like you said!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
I'm glad you had a good time! It is good to get away from work and be outdoors. I don't ski, but I enjoy the beauty of the snow.
I understand the focus on work. It sounds like you have a priority for your life. I am also at a point in my life where I am focused on my career. I feel good learning new things, and I believe that financial independence would help me be less dependent on what others do.
Whether or not you tell your parents depends on your relationship. It was not an issue for me, because my parents are mentally unstable and are addicts. My best friends know, and that is it other than my counselor/psychiatrist.
My abf is very open with his friends about his addiction and recovery. When he used to use, I would hide it from other people. I got where I was making excuses for his behavior or trying to hide that there was a problem. Do you find yourself making those excuses or explaining his moods/behavior?
The moodiness is normal, and it can be very frustrating to those her are around them. I'm glad you have your own place so that you can have space from that.
I understand the focus on work. It sounds like you have a priority for your life. I am also at a point in my life where I am focused on my career. I feel good learning new things, and I believe that financial independence would help me be less dependent on what others do.
Whether or not you tell your parents depends on your relationship. It was not an issue for me, because my parents are mentally unstable and are addicts. My best friends know, and that is it other than my counselor/psychiatrist.
My abf is very open with his friends about his addiction and recovery. When he used to use, I would hide it from other people. I got where I was making excuses for his behavior or trying to hide that there was a problem. Do you find yourself making those excuses or explaining his moods/behavior?
The moodiness is normal, and it can be very frustrating to those her are around them. I'm glad you have your own place so that you can have space from that.
My parents didnt ask me anything about him being sort of down. He seemed to be in a better mood once we got away from home, and I think skiing helped him. Exercise seems to help him in general.
Yes, I am lucky that I have my own place. I had it before we started dating. We do spend a lot of time together now however. Sometimes at my place, or at his. Lately he has been saying it helps him to get out of his house because it has memories of drugs. Well Im not sure what he can do about that. I did offer to redecorate for him. I could have a lot of fun with that... that made him laugh and smile really big.
I call (not to him, but to myself) his moods like extreme PMS. He cant help all of it I know, and it helps me understand a little of why he is on edge.
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