jenns

Hello,

I just am starting to feel a familiar insecurity and questioning my decision and could do with some other opinion...

My partner is an alcoholic and cycles between good and bad weeks - I joined this forum really recently because I feel so lost and lonely at the moment.

We had plans to go and see my mum this weekend (only a couple of hours drive) with our son. I am definitely still going and taking the little one, but procrastinating about my partner coming...

Basically after yet another cycle of sobering up for a few days and 'not going to drink again' promises, followed by the last few days of him being drunk, he has sobered up this morning and now wants to come with us. I was planning to pick up LO and go straight after work, and I told him I didn't want him to come and that it was because he had been drunk all week and couldn't just jump back into being this 'family guy' and continue the charade.

It is the first time I've stood up to this kind of thing and after initally feeling proud of myself for being 'brave' now I am questioning myself. I feel that it would just be easier for him to come and pretend all is fine, e.g. so my mum won't know etc etc. which is what I woudl have always done in the past - is this enabling? I feel sorry for him. But also, I feel like if he realises he misses out on these kind of things, instead of just letting him come along even though he's been drunk all week, and I've had an awful week (again) would be a good step forward. Very new to this, please help!!

Thanks.

outonalimb

Jenns...
It's so hard to figure out what to do sometimes.
The trick, I think, is to make this decision based solely on what's best for you and your son. If you're doing it to teach your ah a lesson, it's an act of manipulation.

What's best for YOU? What's healthiest for YOU and YOUR child?
When you answer that question, you'll know what to do.

Hugs...

dollydo

He has a progressive disease, if left untreated it will get worse, and, his disease has no cure. He will be an alcoholic all his life, it is just a matter of whether he is sober and workinng a strong recovery program or n ot.

A child should not be raised in a home where addiction is present, they will carry their childhood into adulthood. We children of this enviornment have a 50% chance of becoming an addict ourselves or marrying one.

We codies like to play "Lets Pretend", your mother needs to know the truth, we are only as sick as our secrets.

If you haven't done so read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie, the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs.

IMO letting him come home woud be a BIG mistake, if you can't stay strong for you, do it for you child, the true victim in this toxic situation.

Keep posting, keep reading, it will help.

jenns

Thank you both for your help!


I'm not even sure of the answer, I'm so confused. I think it's some of both to be honest. So in a way, perhaps I'm still trying to control things, by hoping that by me being different, my partner will be different (i,e, find recovery). It's still not truely focusing on me. :-(

what's best for me: I would like to relax with my son for the weekend, away from him (parnter) and the inevitable discussions - I don't want to listen anymore. (but will it even be stress free if my mum is worried!?)
what's best for my son: ideally, to have a fun weekend with his mummy and daddy I would have thought :-(((

jenns

Thank you - and you are right, I'm an expert at "lets pretend" !

It is easier to stay strong for my son than for myself I find. I am confused as to what is best, but I guess I need to keep thinking of a longer term goal rather than giving in this weekend so he can have both parents. We have fun on our own anyway (i.e. half the weekends of the year when OH is drunk!)

Tuffgirl

We all became experts at "let's pretend". And it made us sick. You've taken a big step coming here and sharing your secrets. Now try it in real life. You may be amazed by the responses you get. I still am.

Addictions are actually pretty common. And most people are far more aware of what is going on than we give them credit for.

Then go relax. Let your Mom worry. Again, you are trying to take responsibility for other people's actions and feelings. Your Mom's worrying is out of your control. Your man's feelings and behaviors are out of your control. What is in your control is how you choose to spend this weekend. Remember, what other people think of you is none of your business.

Sure - this is ideal, and if it is possible, then by all means, do it! But if you already know the chances are high for it being a bust, then don't do it. Your child deserves some stress-free time with at least one stable parent, don't you think?

jenns

Thank you for your advice. An update: Well I went just with my son, and the main thing is my son had a fantastic weekend, which is exactly what I hoped for and I dont know why I thought he wouldn't have fun just with me, perhaps I should give myself more credit :-). I managed to have a nice time but not really relax as still so much going on in my head. I spoke to my mum and she was worried, as I expected, but at the same time it was quite a relief to not have to hide things and to be able to just talk about it honestly. What was awful was the guilt and I also felt so scared of losing him - I felt so sorry for my A partner left at home. In the end I called him and wished I hadn't - turned out he had just been drinking all weekend. Why did I feel so guilty then?! Made me feel stupid and so sad.
I stayed an extra day at my mums as I was so exhausted. Came back home yesterday and my partner is sober and has cleaned the whole house (!) and seems to want to try to make things better, both of which are a novelty. Perhaps I should have made a stand sooner. He has also said he is going to AA tonight as he 'knows he has to'. I don't know what this really means (he has been before, but it was to save us not for himself and it didn't last) but at least it is more hopeful. There is a large part of me that can't help wondering how long it will be this time though till it all goes wrong again, which feels very cynical but can't help it. Lets hope he sticks to it.

CentralOhioDad

Glad you had a good time!

The bolded part: Honey, that's called survival and being realistic - not being cynical.

Peace,
C-OH Dad

redatlanta

Binged all weekend and then cleaned the house and decided to go to AA.

Sounds like quacking to me.

It also sounds like you are ready to start taking the steps to provide a stable home life for your child which never includes an Alcoholic. Try going to Al Anon it will really help you.

bless5

So glad you had a good weekend. Glad you made a thoughtful decision for yourself and then followed through. Please find an Al-Anon group and attend regularly. Also get the book Courage to Change. Both life changing, not necessarily for your A bit for you and your child.

jenns

Thank you for your replies. Redatlanta: what's quacking?! (sorry not very familiar with the lingo yet!) Have I fallen into a common trap ? (again!).

Yes, I'm glad I stuck with my decision, and myself and my son had a nice time :-) Even though it was hard, it was peaceful and gives me a tiny bit more confidence for the future. :-)

Thanks again for the replies - so appreciate having people to 'talk' to that can understand! !

LexieCat

"Quacking" is another word for b.s. Specifically, the b.s. that comes out of the mouth of an alcoholic not in recovery. It may be empty promises, it may be manipulation, blame-shifting, deflecting from the topic of alcoholism, whatever.

CentralOhioDad

That's why we're here, we "get it", and you can always come here and ask questions, vent, rant, etc., whatever YOU need to help you.

And, here's something you probably didn't realize yet - you're making progress!! How, you ask? First, you came here and found support and started telling your story. You are not alone. Second, you state that you have "... a tiny bit more confidence..." That, my dear, is what it's all about - little steps, one at a time. One day you wake up and say, "Wow, look how far I've come!".

Keep up the good work, keep moving forward, and you'll be fine. (And watch for the 'quacking'!)

Blessings,
C-OH Dad